English is not my mother language and I'm used to write in different language. I write quite lot and have quite complicated style… and translating it is more or less impossible for me – not enough skills in English… So I'm afraid that in some places I created grammatical chimeras. Unfortunately I don't have anyone who could do a beta reading for me so I've believed myself an MS Word… (sic!)
Still I hope that this texts is understandable.
Jeśli znasz polski, to po sieci pałęta się tego polska wersja… osobiście polecam w takim razie czytać ją, a nie tę tutaj.
What troubles Gilbert B.
- What the heck is it?!
Gilbert let out his curiosity accompanied by annoyance. In front of him, on a table, was something… Something, what not so long ago was nicely packed box. Even doubly packed, because under grey and typical postal paper was second one – very colorful and giftlike. After Gilbert had removed it, he saw box with very clear writing on it: DoppelHerz… What?!
Prussia started to nervously look for any clue who sent this… this… this… probably a gift. Slavs and company had a strange habit of giving him some gifts in anniversary of the time when he had gotten lands in Pomerania. De facto, of course, it was Poland's idea in a first place, but soon enough rest of Slavs started to practice it from time to time. Not all at the same time but there is skolko ugodno of Slavs in Europe.
Just in front of himself Gilbert was able to admit, that, in fact, it was nice even if presents were really stupid sometimes.
After long search he found two pieces of grey paper with some writing on them. One was probably a name of a street and it didn't mean anything to him. But the second one was far more important, because of word Rīga on it. In few long steps he got to his computer and happily found out that a grantor was on-line.
: What the heck is it?!
He typed and fixed his eyes on chat window.
: A gift.
He read very laconic answer, which made him even angrier. This much he was able to say by himself! What this small country thought of him!? Did he think that he was idiot or something!? That it was a gift, was obvious because of colorful paper… and Gilbert at the bottom of his ego was happy, that this year they remembered too, because Ludwig really didn't cared at all… or at least since Prussia disappeared from maps of Europe. But still, this gift was strange enough that Gilbert wanted to know WHY.
: OK. Thanks for your concern but that does not change the question: what the heck it means!?
A second window appeared on his desktop. There was only one message. No 'hi', 'go to hell' or anything like this. One link.
: OK. Is it some contest: 'make Prussia WTF?' or something today?! Because if yes, I do not want to play that game!
: It is an answer to your question. Right now Raivis is on a couch laughing so hard that he is unable to write anything to you. So I'm doing it in his place, because too long waiting could make you nervous and your blood pressure will jump… And it could be very dangerous for you.
Gilbert started to have some doubts while he was reading what even smaller country wrote to him. Gosh! How much he hated them from time to time. He had had to finish them off when He had a chance! But he hadn't done that and both of them survived him, Russia and now they dared to mock him and look down on him – what in case of Latvia was really metaphoric and even more irritating.
Full of concern about himself and his computer he opened the link.
It was a webpage. In majority it was in English, not in some funny language of those two. He started to read content and his facial expression moved from annoyance to astonishment and than even farther to pure dejection.
: What the hell is it?
: Random and cheerful idea of fandom.
: This much I see…
: Raivis is asking where you are able to buy trousers that you are able to hide IT or rather THAT MUCH inside of them?
: Tell him to fuck off.
: He wish you happy birthday. And he added something more, but he was laughing again and I was unable to understand him. Latvian is strange language.
: And who says it…
In front of his computer Eduard thought if he should be angry or not. Because sometimes language really different from others was nice thing. It was like some code. In the end he decided to come back to a main plot of his talk with Gilbert. Behind his back Raivis stopped laughing and was able to breathe normally again. He was looking at Eduard and smiling.
: But you know what? I think my cousin, Erzsébet, really cares about you.
Big willow-green neon appeared in Prussia's head. It consisted of five sparkling signs: WTF?! In front of his eyes he had a memory of a last time when Erzsébet had hit him with some rag or something else. Was that a proof of her care?! This freaking computer scientist probably had circuits in his head frozen or overheated.
: She nice to me?! Yeah… In my dreams.
: No. Really. Imagine it. If she would invite you to her place and you would have a chance to look at her more often, then sooner or later it would happen to you to become hard… Normal thing for a man, you know. And I think that such thing in case of 5 meters long cock could be dangerous. Your brain would not receive oxygen and you would die. Erzsébet really cares about you.
Gilbert took a big breath and stayed like this for a long moment. His hands were just above a keyboard and in his head he heard this full of self-confidence voice saying these words to him. How he hated Finno-Ugric countries! One of them was trying to kill him with frying pan, second was laughing at him. For full set only Finland was missing!
: You know what? Leave this computer and go outside. Let some fresh air cool your brain because there is definitely something wrong with it! And leave me alone!
: Do not worry yourself. It is nice Feather today In Tallinn, so we have windows open. Oh! And Raivis is reading over my shoulder and says he feels sorry for you.
: What?!
Oh yes! He really needed it. Some sympathy from Latvia, really…!
: Because, you know… We are thinking – me a computer scientist, and Raivis a humanist, that with such length climax is probably something you never had.
Prussia cursed long and with fantasy… Someone like Estonia was feeling sorry for him because of problems with climax…! Stop! He did not have any problems with that! Not even tiniest! He was 100% guy able to satisfy every woman!
: It is sad.
: I don't have any problems!
He typed still cursing.
: Raivis pointed out that even a trip to a beach is probably some problem for you. With such length it's probably impossible to pack it all into swimming trunks. So you can get arrested because of exhibitionism. Of course there are still beaches for nudists. Francis has some of them but you know? As a friend, I advice you: don't go there. If Francis would know about 5 meters he could get interested in it and you know how he is.
Raivis was standing next to Eduard's chair and was laughing not able to say a word. They were cruel. Gosh, they were! Or not really so cruel, because it was not their idea. They only used it… Everything was Finland's fault. It was all because he visited them in Tallinn few weeks earlier with some alcohol… and they were reading some websites… Internet plus alcohol lead to interesting thoughts – Raivis thought and started to laugh even harder.
: I do not have any 5 meters! I have exactly enough for a handsome guy to have! I do not know what kind of idiot created this! And leave me alone!
With these words he closed his laptop and moved from a desk to sofa. He took remote controller and started to jump from one channel to another looking for anything interesting. He was trying to forget about Inflates and gigantic snakes which parasite on human's body.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Riiiiiing.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Riiiiiing.
Click.
Click.
Click.
He gave an angry look to a corridor. In his had he was asking himself: who now wants to destroy his peace!? He has his birthday – non official but still – and he would like to rest a bit and they don't allow him! First of all: those two, and now someone else. For a moment he thought it could by Łukasiewicz and he really didn't like that idea. Because if Estonia and Latvia new about this stupid thing then Lithuania for sure knew it too… and if Lithuania knew then probably Poland too! Damn it!
Riiiiing.
But this someone was stubborn.
Riiiiing.
Riiiiing.
Prussia gave up. He decided that he will send to hell anyone who dared to disturb him. Or he will kick his ass.
„What?!" He spluttered. „I will kick…" and he didn't finish. Right in front of him was Saxony.
"I would like not to be kicked" said Johann. "It would hurt and probably I would not be able to sit after that. And that would be a big problem since I need to sit to drive my car."
"And what are you doing here?"
"Passing by. I was asked to give this to you" Johann pointed at the bag near his foots. "In exchange I would be really thankful if you could give me some café."
"Can't you go to someone else?"
Johann shrugged his shoulders.
"And why should I? And I think I earned this café by carrying this thing. Oh! Be careful, it's heavy."
"What it is?"
"Check. I only have promised Schlesien that I will bring it to you. He was asked to do so by Poland, but he was out of time and asked me. And since I owed him one and I had things to do in Kiel I agreed. Guessing after all these stickers from planes this bag has traveled a lot. And now, could we move inside or standing in the door is some kind of new Prussian tradition?"
Gilbert muttered something and took the bag. It was not just heavy. It was really heavy. Johann went inside after him.
They went to a kitchen, and Prussia was kind enough to make some café for them. Saxony with curiosity on his face was looking how Gilbert is approaching the bag. It looked like he was afraid that it could bite him. Johann, of course, knew what is inside – in any other case he would not allow to put it inside his car. But he kept it for himself and just observed Prussia's hesitation.
"Be careful… It will bite you" he joked.
"Go to hell" Gilbert sputtered and in one fast move opened the bag. There was something Slavic in this action and Saxony told himself to remember it… It could make a good story for others in the future.
For Gilbert thoughts of Saxony were unimportant. With hesitation he took out of the bag some old newspapers and rags. Under his nose he muttered curses addressed to some little country just on the opposite side of a balk. This river of curses stopped after some time with single: "oh shit!" at the end. Between rags and papers he found a bottle. It was brown and on the label was written Švyturys and Gilbert really didn't need to ask what it was. He knew! He was able to recognize a beer. He put the bottle on a table and started to more carefully remove rubbish from the bag. Next bottle had a label written in Cyrillic. With some problems he read: Lwowskie. Next was Żywiec and Gilbert was sure, that this irritating country had chosen it because of this strange latter at the beginning. He also found Aldaris Porteris which he was able to identify only after finding word 'Latvija' at the back label. There was also something named Saku and after seeing strange 'o' with wave over it he decided it's probably from Estonia. He felt something twist inside of him… He still didn't like them... still? He found also second Polish beer, which surprised him a bit but it was Piast and Saxony said something about Schlesien… Lower Silesia so it was quite understandable. He dug out one Pilsner and Zlaty Bažant. When he found Paulaner and Radeberger he gave Saxony an angry look but Johann was looking at his cell phone and didn't notice.
On the bottom of the bag he found a sheet of paper with short text on it: 'happy balto-slavic-finno-ugric birthday!' but he really didn't pay too much attention to it. All these beers he got… All this 'stupid' countries really surprised him this year and he felt something warm in his belly. Even if they were joking about this entire 'birthday thing' they still remembered about him in some way…
"I've get a sms" stated Saxony disturbing his thoughts. "I was told to tell you that Latvia says that you can't drink it all at once because of the size of you know what it could be dangerous for you… really I do not understand what they mean by…"
Gilbert howled!
Damned countries!
The end
Some comments not really important, especially if you live outside Europe… Or in West Europe.
Švyturys – Lithuanian Beer, as far as I remamber from Klajpeda. One of my favourite beers.
Lwowskie – Ukraninan Beer from Lwow. I like it too.
Żywiec – Polish one from Żywiec. Also good one in my opinion.
Aldaris Porteris – Latvia… unfortunately I've never had a Chance to try it.
Saku – Estonia… Same as above :(
Piast – Polish Beer from Lower Silesia (looong time ago Provintz Schlesien)
Pilsner – Czech Republik… Also my fave.
Zlaty Bažant – Slovakia… Also fave… even more than Pilsner and Lwowskie.
Paulaner – Germany, Bavaria.
Radeberger – Germany, Saxony. Not bad one, but if I could choose from Radeberger and for example Carsberg or Budweisser I would not choose Radeberger ^^"