So.. I've never actually written anything like this before.. With the whole letter thing, anyway. But there are some real life facts behind the happenings in this fic. Just a little fun fact. So.. I hope you like it, I suppose?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warnings: This is not your average "angst-turns-fluff". This story was never meant to have a happy ending, and I suppose that is the reality part of it making it that way. If you can't deal with that, I suggest you go read something else.
Conflicted
Hiei.
How pathetic I must seem, cringing at a name I've just written. Four simple letters, and yet, seeing them, I am washed over by a wave of emotions, my heart is overcome by grief and guilt. Forgive me, I know how little you care for anything so sentimental, but there are things I must tell you; things I must confess.
Hiei, you should know that you are not nearly as talented at hiding your emotions as you would like to believe. Then again, perhaps it is merely the emotion in question that you have such a problem with, but that is irrelevant. Hiei, whenever I am with you, it is as if your heart is screaming at me, desperately trying to be heard. I wish you would simply talk to me, but I realize that the person you are. Regardless, I know the truth. Of course, on my own, my first instinct was disbelief. It was a friend that really opened my eyes.
I talked to Yusuke. He is, surprisingly, a good listener, and tends to give good advice. Of course, you already knew that; you talk to him as well. Another bit of information I was never supposed to obtain.
He tells me what you say, what you reveal to him about yourself. He allows me into the world that you keep locked away from my eyes. A breech of your trust, one that would most likely cost the detective his life, but he deems it necessary. Yusuke simply wants his friends to be happy. I hope you can understand how he feels.
I'm sure that by now you have realized that Yusuke is more for blunt expression than the usual dance of words ningens take part in. Our conversation had barely began when he turned to look at me, a strangely serious expression on his face. "Kurama, Hiei's in love with you. Now what are you going to do about it?"
As I've said before, I already knew of your feelings for me, but chose now to believe what I knew was the truth. Of course, I questioned how he could ever come to such a 'ridiculous notion'. I'll admit that I was blind-sided when he informed me that you had given him all of the proof he needed with your words. After that, he told me about this dream you had about me. A dream of confession, of love. More troubling still, he told me of how much pain I was continuing to cause you.
Thinking back, I remember and realized just how many times I have drove a dagger into your heart. With bitter amusement, simple moments I had thought so trivial came flooding into my mind. So very many thoughtless words and actions. Such as when I told you that I wasn't interested in men.
Those words are truth. Never in my life have I felt a romantic bond with any person of the same gender. I find their bodies completely unappealing, not that I don't recognize beauty, of course. I am just not in to men, though I will admit that boredom has led to intimacy on a few occasions. Of course, there were never any emotions involved, especially on my part. If was merely for amusement, a youko's game.
Through these musings, realization occurred, though it was something I had known all along. I had refused to believe, afraid to face such a fault in myself. I thought that maybe it was only a nightmare, that it would all go away, but it didn't. I was to blame, I had caused this. That is, as much as an emotion can ever be caused by a person. Obviously, fate, or the gods, had something to do with it.
I caused you to fall in love with me. And I did it intentionally.
Often I wonder just how similar I am to Yoko; my darker side, my past, and, conceivably, my future. In so many ways I am still a thief, and I suppose this is proof that old habits die hard. Yoko, such a selfish creature, was never satisfied with stealing mere artifacts when he had the talent to steal things much more valuable. Yoko stole hearts, granting him the warped title of Makai's greatest thief and lover. The worst part, he cared nothing for the demons he wooed. He caught their hearts, simply to toss them away when he grew bored. He cared nothing for them. With recent events, it would seem that I am no better than he was.
I believe it first started at the Dark Tournament, as you showed everyone your dragon, and your strength. So many wanted you then, be it for your body or the raw power you possessed. I'll admit that I myself was rather envious of that power you held, the fear you invoked, all of the demons that suddenly lusted after you. I will also admit that I am a fool for feeling such envy.
You showed no interest in any of them, your first mistake. It seems as if I am blaming you, but I realize that it was not your fault. As I mentioned previously, the fault is mine.
The youko inside of me was suddenly presented with a challenge. Before me stood one of the strongest demons I'd ever met, one that could make so many tremble with a glance, a thrill in and of itself. Add a seemingly untouchable heart, and the challenge become positively irresistible. The game began.
My goal was to make you vulnerable, to achieve domination. I wanted to break down that hardened shell you insisted on hiding in. I wanted to see raw emotion, that fire of yours burning in passion. I knew I was the only one capable of such a feat.
The fact that you were my best friend became irrelevant.
I wanted, and so I took.
But I hadn't anticipated just how far my game would take me, and it turned out to be more than I could handle. I can only imagine how cruelly Yoko would laugh if he could see me now. The look in your eyes is forever burned into my memory. I had no idea that I would bring forth such emotion, or that I would care at all.
There was need, above all else, in those crimson orbs you possess. Hope. Fear. Trust. And then, Hiei, there was love. True and honest love.
Something I had never really expected, something I feared.
It ruined my game, because I discovered that I was already in to deep. It would have been different if you hadn't started as my friend. As it was, love was too much for me to handle. Lust was one thing, this quite another. And I cared. One small difference between Yoko and I.
I have always wondered what you may have seen in my eyes before I recoiled, before I could no longer stand to look at you. I wonder if you saw the guilt, or maybe you saw disgust. Disgust and hatred I suddenly felt for myself. My discovery that I was no longer Yoko, and that I had somehow obtained a human heart.
My brilliant solution to the problem that I had caused was to avoid you. Strange as it is, it would seem that I am still young, that I still have a lot to learn. This decision only made the problem worse.
I have never been able to stand seeing such sadness in my friends' eyes, so I began to essentially shun you. This was likely one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life, aside from the decision to begin such a stupid game, but I had good intentions. For all my intelligence, I was still convinced that you would move on. An idiotic belief, problems never disappear simply from being ignored.
But I thought my flawed plan had succeeded when I learned of your relationship with Mukuro, a woman you had been pursuing even before your heart was stolen by me. This said, you must realize how much time it actually took for me to come so close to winning my game. Your shell was hard to crack, Hiei, but I did it. I truly am the thief of legend.
Unfortunately.
Hiei, I would never claim that you don't love Mukuro, but I know that your feelings for me have not simply disappeared. I wonder how happy you can really be with her, when part of your heart belongs to someone else. I apologize for that; what little good it will do. I know that you must have a hard enough time opening your heart to your partner, and you never needed this added complication.
Hiei, I want you to open your heart to me. I want you to tell me how you really feel. I want to know the truth, and yet, I could never return your feelings.
As much as I want to.
You have no idea just how badly I want your pain to go away.
Hiei, I want to cold you close and tell you that everything will be okay. I want to kiss you, simply because it is the only way I can think of to truly express how sorry I am. I would be willing to pretend that I feel as you would like me to if it would bring you happiness.
But I know you would never settle for such a cheap imitation of the real thing. You deserve better, whether you choose to believe it or not.
Hiei, I do love you.
But I will never feel as you desire me to. I honestly wish that I could, but it is impossible.
As foolish Yusuke tells me that it is, I am still in love with the mate I had in my past life. Yoko was not always a heartless thief, and he was in love once. It was only after her betrayal of him, and her death, that he turned cold.
But I can still remember her. I can still feel her touch, the warmth of her love. I hope that you can forgive me for my obsession of the past, my closed-off heart. Though I cannot promise that I would ever had fallen for you had my heart not already been taken.
Hiei, never forget that I do love you, my friend. I can give you that, if nothing else. You have my love, even if it is not in a way that you would choose. I wish that things hadn't turned out as they did, but it is out of my power. What has been done can never be changed, and emotions cannot be controlled.
- - -
The pen fell from Kurama's hand and his fingers rose to run through the scarlet strands of his hair. The letter was sealed in an unmarked envelop before the fox left his apartment.
As Kurama walked, the envelop clutched tightly in his hand, he wish that tears would come to his eyes. He wished that his expression wouldn't remain so stoic, and that his body, at least, could reveal some of what he was feeling. He felt so over-burdened, but he knew he deserved it, that it was his own doing. He wished, not for the first time, that he wasn't so much like the heartless Yoko of the past.
As the fox reached the center of the forest, he summoned plants to relieve him of the burden that was his letter to Hiei. As the paper was carried away by leaves and petals, emerald eyes stared off at the sky. He didn't want to know where the letter would be hidden, it would only compel him to retrieve it.
With all his heart, Kurama hoped that the letter would never be found, that the truth would forever stay hidden. At the same time, though, he prayed to any gods that existed that Hiei would somehow discover the message written for him.
But as long as the letter stayed hidden, the fox's lips were sealed. He knew that Hiei deserved to know the truth, that he had no right to withhold such information, but it was his own heart involved, not just Hiei's. Kurama was a coward, and he was selfish with his heart.
The last thought in the fox's mind as he stared out into the woods, at the hundreds of places that his letter could be hidden, was meant for the fire demon he had wounded. "And I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell you."
So.. Yeah... That's pretty much it. Heh. I believe this is the longest letter I've ever written. And it's a fanfiction! Does anyone else find that rather sad..?
Anyway, I would love to know what you thought of my story, but there are a few things that I won't tell readers. I won't tell you what parts of this story are non-fiction, for example. I also refuse to reveal what people are represented in this story by the Yu Yu Hakusho characters. I also reserve the right to refuse answers to any other questions, but feel free to ask just in case I decide that your question does deserve an answer. Feedback is appreciated.
Just a fun-fact, I was listening to my Media Player while typing this and the last song that played was "Broken Road" by 12 Stones. It kinda fits with this fic, doesn't it? -shrugs- Whatever. It makes me think I should start coming up with soundtracks for my fanfics...