Sometimes I wish I could just cut myself and bleed and bleed and bleed out until I die. I wish these little cuts would grow bigger, just like a hole in jeans, and leave me empty and dry. Empty. Like I've been feeling the past few years. Dry. Like I've cried all the tears I could, leaving me devoid of sobriety.
And then I found someone who could take my pain away. At first, they kissed away my invisible tears, and held me until the morning when I would wake up in their arms. Kissed my scars when I felt ugly, brought me back to reality when I was angry. Sobered me up when I was drunk off of some odd concoction. And I loved every bit of them.
No, scratch that. I don't know if I loved them. I never knew anything for sure. All I knew was there was some feeling in my heart, and I couldn't discern if it was fufillment or emptyness.
And then I had to wait. Waiting, waiting, wondering if they still loved me. When they told me so every night, did they really mean it? Or was it some trick to lure me into a false sense of security? Did they plan to fuck with me when they told me they would wait until I was ready?
Do you even still love me? Every night, do you cry my name in vain, or do I mistake my name for another's? Is it too fantastic a wish to be loved? Does it feel good, screaming his name during your lovemaking?
As I lay here, dying. Oh Gods, I wish to know how to end that sentence. I loved you. I think I even still do. How could you betray me like this? Why? WHY?
Well, I still retain some comfort knowing you will be looked after while I am gone. That you have his arms to fall into should you dare regret this, which I know you will. You'll wish you loved me more, but that is an impossible wish, now isn't it, Love? You'll wish you stayed with me.
Shigeru. Don't ever forget a dying man's words. I love you, and always will. But I swear to Gods that my spirit will haunt you until the day you die.
Love,
Saotshi