Once again Penny shredded to tiny bits the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own X-Men Evolution characters. This is just a fun one shot that came into my crazy head inspired by another fic I wrote. Like I have any other kind of fics.
Fun with Mr. Squirrel Head
"Man what a tough Danger Room session," Kitty sighed, she had just showered and changed into her civilian clothes and was in the kitchen getting a snack.
"You think Logan is pushing us extra harder or is it just my paranoia talking?" Rogue asked.
"There have been a lot of threats against us," Jean said. "He probably just wants us to be prepared for anything."
"For once I'd like anything to be a nice quiet day," Kitty opened the refrigerator and went into the fruit bin.
"Fat chance of that happening," Rogue grunted.
That's when Kitty's hand made contact with something that was furry. "Jean…Did you get any kiwi fruit or something?"
"No, why?" Jean asked.
"Because something in the fruit bin must have gone bad," Kitty wrinkled her nose. "It feels furry and…" She saw what she was holding. And then she made an ear piercing scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Kitty!" Ororo was startled as she walked in. "What…?"
"EWWW! I TOUCHED IT! IT'S SO GROSS!" Kitty dropped it on the floor and cringed. She ran to the sink and began to furiously wash her hands. "Oh my God, oh my God…I touched it! I got it all over my hands! Oh my god I have it's blood all over my hands! EWWWWW!"
"Blood?" Jean looked at what was on the floor. She recoiled. "Is that…?"
"A squirrel head? Yes," Ororo sighed. "Yes it is."
"What kind of sicko would put a squirrel's head in a refrigerator?" Kitty cried out, still washing her hands.
"Not just a squirrel's head…" Jean looked in and winced. "There are about five squirrel heads in there. Not to mention a few other rodent body parts…"
"But who would do something like this?" Kitty whined. "Who would do such a horrible gross and tasteless thing? Bobby!"
"No, I don't think he did this Kitty," Jean retrieved a broom and a dustpan from the closet. "I just can't picture him doing it." She carefully retrieved the squirrel head and threw it in the garbage. "Ew…"
"Yeah maiming small animals isn't exactly his style," Rogue agreed. "The Misfits?"
"No, they tend to use live animals," Ororo pointed out.
"Yeah you're right," Rogue amended. "And even when they do accidentally kill 'em they're more likely to have a funeral for 'em. But if it ain't them then who…?"
That's when Penny scampered in on all fours with a half eaten squirrel in her teeth. She lay it at Ororo's feet. "I believe the mystery is now solved," Ororo put her hand on her head and closed her eyes.
"PENNY!" Kitty screamed. "NO! BAD PENNY! BAD!"
"What's all the racket in here?" Logan asked as he walked in. Then he saw the squirrel on the floor. "Oh."
"Look what she did Logan!" Kitty pointed to the refrigerator bin. "Look what that little psychopath did!"
"Yup they're dead all right," Logan casually looked in.
"It is so disgusting!" Kitty shouted. "Now we have to clean and disinfect the whole refrigerator because of her!"
"Calm down, Half Pint," Logan said. "Don't tell me that dragon of yours never brought in anything."
"No, Lockheed knows better than to bring dead, dismembered corpses into the house!" Kitty screamed.
"Why would Penny do something like this in the first place?" Rogue asked. "Bad Penny! We don't kill squirrels and stick them in the refrigerator!"
"Sometimes animals do this as a sign of respect," Jean suggested. "You know, she's acknowledging that we are the leaders of the pack or something."
"Personally I think it's because she likes to see Kitty freak out," Rogue grunted.
"Mission accomplished, Penny!" Kitty snapped.
"Well at least she eats 'em," Logan shrugged. "And I'd rather she hunt squirrels than mailmen."
At that Penny innocently picked up the dead squirrel and dropped it on Kitty's feet. "AAAHHHHH!" She ran out of the room. "MY NEW SHOES! THERE'S SQUIRREL BLOOD ON MY NEW SHOES!"
"We seriously need to work on this child's social skills," Ororo felt a migraine the size of Portland Maine headed her way.
"Understatement of the year, Storm," Rogue gave her a look. "No, I don't want the squirrel Penny! Put it down!"
"What is going on?" Hank walked in. "Kitty's screaming about squirrel blood." Logan pointed to the floor. "Oh, I see."
"It gets worse," Jean said. "Look inside the refrigerator bin."
"Oh my…" Hank winced as he peeked in. "I wondered what that smell was earlier."
"Why would you do something like this Penny?" Ororo asked. "Why! What you did was wrong! Penny…No I don't want the squirrel either."
"This is my fault I'm afraid," Hank sighed. "Yesterday I was trying to teach her the difference between hot and cold. I tried to explain what a refrigerator does. I didn't think she understood. Apparently she was able to grasp the concept."
"Oh Penny what are we going to do with you?" Jean sighed. "Besides renting you out as an exterminator."
"You sure you can't use your telepathy on her, Jean?" Logan asked.
"Even the Professor tried," Jean shook her head. "She has such strong natural shields. The only thing we could ever get was the word 'Penance'. So…"
"Maybe we should start whacking her with a newspaper?" Logan suggested.
"Bobby did, it didn't work," Rogue told him. "Not only is her skin so dense she doesn't feel it, her hair and body is so freaking sharp it shredded on impact. To make matters worse she thought it was a game and grabbed a newspaper herself…"
"Ah so that's where Iceman got all those cuts and why he needed to go to the infirmary this morning," Hank nodded. "Another mystery solved. All right, let's break out the sponges and disinfectant."
"I'll go round up a couple of kids to do it," Logan said. "With all the students around here someone's bound to have done something to deserve punishment."
"What about her?" Rogue pointed.
"Lock her up in her room," Logan shrugged. "We'll figure something out by the time Charles gets back from his conference."
"And if we don't?" Hank asked as he put on some rubber gloves and started removing several items from the refrigerator and throwing them into the trash.
"Then we lock 'em both up in the same room," Logan suggested. "One of 'em is bound to be punished either way."
"Works for me," Rogue grumbled as she grabbed Penny by her arm and started to drag her away. "No Penny, you can't bring the squirrel with you!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"I can't believe Logan made us clean the entire refrigerator twice!" Tabitha grunted. Amara, Bobby, Rogue, Kitty and Jubilee were walking upstairs.
"Personally I think we got off easy for having a silly string fight in the halls and accidentally using our powers during it," Jubilee said. "At least he didn't make us do a Danger Room session."
"I think I would have rather done the Danger Room session," Bobby looked rather green. "I am going to have nightmares about squirrel heads. I just know it."
"That's nothing! You know what I found when I brought Penny to her room?" Rogue told them. "Five squirrel tails, some dead rabbit skins, a couple of dead mice in a box, a shredded mailbag, two shredded police uniforms and a wooden leg!"
"I'm surprised it wasn't a real leg," Kitty groaned.
"That's what I thought of at first," Rogue said. "Until I got a closer look at it."
"Where would she…?" Amara asked.
"I don't know and I don't want to know," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"Well I had to like spend an hour in the bathroom washing my hands," Kitty winced. "Ewww…I can't believe I touched that thing!"
"You only touched one," Tabitha gave her a look.
"With my bare hands!" Kitty told her. "Gives me the creeps just thinking about it."
"Let's forget about it," Bobby said. "Anybody up for video games?"
"Count me in!" Jubilee agreed.
"I'll be there too," Kitty said. "I just want to get my sweater."
"We'll save a seat for you," Amara waved.
Kitty went to her room only to find someone already there. "PENNY!" Kitty screamed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MAKEUP?"
Penny then innocently lifted up her hand, revealing a severed squirrel head laden with lipstick and eye shadow on it. "AAAHHHHH!" Kitty screamed.
"Kitty!" Scott shouted as he and Logan ran to her. "What's wrong? We…" He then saw the scene in her room. "Oh boy…"
"PENNY YOU ARE SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK!" Kitty screamed. "YOU ARE A SICKO PENNY! A SICKO!"
A snort from Logan stopped Kitty in mid rant. "You think this is funny?" Kitty's eye twitched.
"Well," Logan shrugged. "A little."
"THIS IS NOT FUNNY LOGAN!" Kitty screamed. "NOT FUNNY! NOW I NEED NEW MAKEUP AND…STOOOOOOOOOOOORRRMM!" Kitty ran off. "SHE DID IT AGAIN!"
"Way to go," Scott gave Logan a look.
"Come on Cyke," Logan pointed. "You gotta admit it does look kind of funny. In a sick and disturbed kind of way."
"You should know," Scott groaned.
"What is Kitty screaming about this…" Ororo began as she walked up to them. "Time? Oh no…"
"She's becoming quite handy with those things," Logan snorted.
"You think this is funny?" Ororo gave him a look. Logan shrugged. "Oh you're impossible! And disturbed!"
"Obviously I ain't the only one," Logan motioned to Penny who was happily putting on more makeup on the squirrel head.
"We really need to do something about Penny," Scott groaned. "Preferably before Kitty has a nervous breakdown."
"And the entire squirrel population of Bayville becomes extinct," Ororo sighed.
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"So did you find anything?" Ororo asked Jamie. Logan and Hank were there with them in the kitchen.
"According to all the online articles on animal training the only surefire way to keep an animal from bringing dead animals into the house is to never let them out of the house," Jamie told her.
"Yeah that's a good plan," Logan said sarcastically.
"Well we could try putting a bell on her," Jamie suggested. "That way it could at least warn the prey and give 'em a fighting chance."
"It's worth a shot," Hank shrugged. "All we need is a bell."
"I got one," Jamie held it up. Just then Penny scampered into the room.
"Penny, here Penny," Hank called out. "Come here girl, I have a surprise for you. Look! Look at the shiny bell!" He carefully attached it to her outfit. "See it makes a sound."
Penny squealed with delight as she danced around listening to the jingling of the bell. "That's right! Listen to the sound it makes," Hank smiled. Penny happily scampered outside.
"Well that solves that problem," Logan grunted. "No squirrel will miss the racket that makes!"
TING! TING! TING!
"SQUEEEEK!"
SLICE!
"Don't tell me…" Hank put a hand over his face.
"She got another one," Jamie looked out the window. "She's pretty fast."
TING! TING! TING!
"SQEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"And another one," Jamie blinked. "Look how high that head sailed."
"I'd rather not," Ororo sighed.
TING! TING!TING!
"SQUEEEEE!"
SLASH!
TING! TING! TING!
"Quite the little hunter our Penance is, isn't she?" Hank asked.
"SQUEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Either that or we have a lot of deaf squirrels in this neighborhood," Logan remarked. "Soon to be a lot of dead squirrels."
"So much for the bell theory," Ororo sighed.
"What's she doing with the squirrel heads?" Jamie looked out the window. "Now she's climbing a tree?"
TING! TING! TING! TING! TING!
"She's getting up there," Logan looked out. "In fact she's almost to the second story. Say isn't that…?"
TING! TING! TING! TING!
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Kitty's room?" Hank sighed. "Yes, I do believe it is."
"PENNY! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Kitty screamed. Then she phased downstairs. "THAT LITTLE MANIAC DID IT AGAIN! LOGAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"When is Charles getting back?" Hank sighed.
"Tonight," Ororo sighed.
"Not soon enough for me," Logan groaned.
"Mr. Logan there are squirrel heads in my room!" Kitty wailed. "Get rid of them!"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Logan rolled his eyes.
"Pleeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasee!" Kitty whined.
"Oh all right! I'll take care of it!" Logan stomped upstairs. "Like I got nothing better to do than to clean up after these little…"
"I will get the disinfectant," Hank sighed. "Again!"
Later that evening. "Is Charles back yet?" Logan asked. Hank and Ororo were in the kitchen as well.
"Yes," Ororo sighed as she sat down.
"Did you talk to him about Penny?" Hank asked.
"I thought you were going to do it?" Ororo asked.
"Me? Why me?" Hank asked.
"Relax, I gave him a head's up about the situation," Logan waved.
"Really? What did you tell him?" Ororo asked.
"It's not exactly what I said…" Logan began. "I left him a memo about it."
"LOGAN!" Xavier shouted from upstairs. "WHY IS THERE A BOX OF SQUIRREL HEADS ON MY BED?"
"Oh he found it," Logan said cheerfully.
"Can you find me an extra shot of scotch?" Hank moaned.
Note: No squirrels were harmed during this insane fic. Honest.
Then Penny ran by with a wooden leg in her mouth. "COME BACK HERE!" An elderly man hopped after her. "COME BACK WITH MY LEG YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER!"
Human beings that's another story…