The Bishounen Theories
by Jukashi
A/N: Hey, peeps. If you've read this before, you may notice that it's changed. I hope it's changed for the better, but the only real change is the addition of an actual plot. There is now (hopefully) an element of mystery underlying the crazy antics now, and a plot that will be revealed later. As before, this fic spans a great many book and game universes that I am interested in, so it's very unlikely that you'll get all the references. There will be many spoilers for those universes, and SERIOUS OOC-ness (That's Out-Of-Character-ness for you untutored types.) None of these characters belong to me, except myself, Katelin and Eyani'ela in this chapter, and other characters noted at the beginning of every chapter they first appear in. I'm doing this for myself, so I can practise my writing, but I hope you'll enjoy it.
DUN DA DA DUN DA DUN DUNN!!
/THE BISHOUNEN THEORIES\
Narrator: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a production by Ori Studios, to a show studying the varieties and mysteries of bishounen. We hope you will enjoy. Now, for your first easy primer:
(Katelin pulls in Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy (ff7)
Katelin: This is a bishounen.
(Katelin pulls in George W. Bush)
Katelin: This is NOT a bishounen.
Narrator: WASN'T THAT EASY!?
By definition, a bishounen is a "long-haired pretty boy". HOWEVER, to be a true bishounen, they must be capable of placing their walking limb to a certain amount of posterior. They must also look somewhat like a girl. If they have any overly manly qualities (bulging muscles, square jaw, chest hair, etc.) They are NOT true bishounen, with a few exceptions.
Now, let's meet some of the different breeds of bishounen! First, the famous Silver-haired breed.
(Katelin lines up Sephiroth, Kuja (ffIX) and Ramirez (from Skies of Arcadia) and sits them on seats in the centre of the studio)
Sephiroth: Are we on?
Ramirez: DIE!!
Kuja: Does he have to be here?
Katelin: I think so... Dilandau might be more capable of holding conversation, but I can't find him.
Sephiroth: (Sits silently, twiddling his thumbs)
Ramirez: DIE!!
Katelin: (Looks suspiciously at Ramirez, then walks over to him)
Ramirez: Die?
Katelin: (Grabs Ramirez and pulls his mask off)
GASP!
Kuja: GASP!
Sephiroth: GASP!
Ramirez/Dilandau (Escaflowne): Curses!
Katelin: I thought so!
Kuja: Same hair, same swordsmanship, same obsession with certain words...
R/D: BURN!
Kuja: ... We should have known!
Narrator: Um... Anyway. Let's have a look at this fascinating breed of bishounen! How many here have tried to destroy the world?
All bishounen: *Raise hands*
Nearly all Silver-haired bishounen try to destroy the world. If, in Escaflowne, Dilandau found some way of doing so, he would probably have destroyed the world too. Probably to see the pretty flames of Armageddon.
R/D: Fire is good!
Narrator: Indeed. Silver-haired bishounen are the most powerful breed of bishounen, and it may be possible to gauge their power by a quick glance at their hair. First, we look at Sephiroth, the acclaimed "Most Powerful of All Bishounen Ever", _Silverus Kickassus_
Sephiroth: Jenova?
Katelin: Look at the hair. See how straight and free-flowing it is. Note its length. All the way to the hip.
Sephiroth: Uh...
Katelin: This bishounen is particularly tall and well formed, and is an excellent example of a more powerful individual.
Sephiroth: ... Excuse me, but...
Katelin: Hmmm? Oh, right. (She gives Sephiroth a bishie treat)
Sephiroth:!!!!! (Eats it, then curls up and purrs happily)
Excellent, Now we move on to the second most powerful of the group, Kuja, _Silverus Girlius_. How ya doing, Kuja?
Kuja: Fine... Are you going to study me the same way you did him?
Katelin: Yes.
Kuja: I won't do it.
Katelin: We'll give you a bishie-treat.
Kuja: Uh... no!
Katelin: We'll give you TWO bishie treats. One now, one when we're done.
Kuja: Oh... okay. (Eats the treat she gives him and purrs happily like Sephiroth did)
Katelin: Now, this bishounen's hair is wavy, and reaches midway down his back. Also, he has feathers in it. See the amount of makeup he wears, eyeliner, lipstick, the works. This bishounen carries no weapon, but unlike the others, wears armour. Not that you could really call it armour, since it's too skimpy to be any use. Lower, he wears little but boots and bikini bottoms. Note the curve of the hips, body and shoulders. This one cares a lot about how he looks. Many would think he's gay, but actually, most gay men look quite normal, and an individual such as this, while not being quite straight, is not likely to be wholly homosexual. Easily the most girlish bishounen I've ever seen.
(Kuja starts to complain, but Katelin gives him his other bishie-treat)
Finally, we look at Ramirez/Dilandau, _Silverus Insanitus_, a very interesting specimen!
R/D: DIE!!
Katelin: Of course. Does he know any other words?
Maybe. You'd have to ask one of Escaflowne's cast.
Katelin: Right. HEY HITOMI!
Hitomi: (In the audience) WHAAAAAAT!?
Katelin: DOES DILANDAU SAY ANYTHING APART FROM BURN AND DIE?
Hitomi: YEAH! (Turns more towards Dilandau) WASUUUUUUPPP!?
R/D: WASUUUUUUPP!?
(Katelin knocks them both unconscious before it can go any further. She goes to Ramirez/Dilandau and examines him)
Katelin: Right. This bishounen's hair goes to his shoulders, and he is the weakest of these three. He wears military clothes, and a sword at his side. A simple sword, which just shows that he, has no need for fancy ornamentation. (She opens one of his eyes) More of an icy expression than the others. He rose to power in some armed forces or another. Altogether, it indeed seems the longer the hair, the more powerful the Silver-haired bishounen is. Back to you, Narrator Guy!
Narrator: All right! That's the Silver-haired bishounen done with. With them out of the way, lets move on to the blonde bishounen! These were a bit harder to find, but we have found three that are bishounen-like. Instead of examining them, we will be interviewing them, since they're less likely to go crazy and homicidal. Please welcome the first, from the Sword of Truth series of books, Darken Rahl!
(Darken Rahl walks in to the tune of that song by Chumbawumba that goes " I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down", I forget it's name, and sits in the first seat.)
D. Rahl: I'm evil, yet sexy.
Sephiroth: Wha- HEY! (Sephiroth and Kuja stand up indignantly) Why do they get a flashy entrance and we don't?
Because I only just thought of it and I'm not going back and changing it! So quiet down!
(Sephiroth, Kuja, and the still-groggy bishounen fusion Ramirez/Dilandau sit down. Kuja crosses his arms and grumbles.)
Right. Anyway. *Ahem* All the way from the events of Escaflowne, comes Alan Shazaar!
(Alan strides into the studio to the tune of "Mambo no. 5", blows kisses to all the women in the audience, and sits down.)
Alan: I've had a romantic relationship with nearly every recurring female character in Escaflowne... Twice! Except Merle... (Cups his hands and shouts to Merle, who is in the audience) YOU WILL BE MINE, MY DEAR!
Merle: (shouting from a distance) DROP DEAD!
And finally, a man sought after by cinema-going women the world over, so much that we had to give him bodyguards, all the way from Middle-Earth... Legolas Greenleaf!
(All the audience turns to the door. Gimli (Legolas' dwarf friend, those of you who might not know due to living under rocks) pokes his head out, looks around, and then beckons to someone outside. Legolas comes out, flanked by Steiner (ffIX), Lulu (ffX) and, bringing up the rear, Boromir. Hey, that rhymed! Legolas peers about nervously.)
Legolas: ... N-no fangirls?
Gimli: Not that I can see! Let's go!
(Suddenly, a generic fangirl leaps out of nowhere!)
Fangirl: LEGOLA-
BOOOOOOOM!
(Lulu blows on her smoking finger as the girl's twitching body hits the ground.)
Steiner: Incredible! How did you gain such skills, Lady Lulu?
(As Lu opens her mouth to speak, a generic fanboy also leaps out of nowhere!)
Fanboy: LU-
BOOOOOOOOOOMM!!
Lulu:(Lowers her outstretched hand.) Need I say anything? Can we get some white mages out here?
(Garnet, Eiko, Yuna and Rosa (all from Final Fantasy games) run out with stretchers, load the charred fans onto them, and run out making "Huthuthuthut" noises.)
Boromir: And here was me expecting an army of fangirls after Legolas. How boring.
(An army of fangirls appears out of nowhere!)
Gimli: You HAD to say it.
Boromir: Oops.
Lulu: Go on, you deal with them.
Boromir: *sigh* Righto.(Faces the approaching army of fangirls) Hmm... Did I ever say I don't fight women? (Thinks for a moment) I don't think I did! YAAAAAARRGH! (Raises his sword and charges in).)
Bow-wielding elf fangirls:(Shoot him, riddling his body with arrows. Boromir collapses.)
Legolas: Oh Elbereth! They killed Boromir!
Gimli: You-
Boromir: (Suddenly leaps out and starts kicking ass again)
Gimli: ...Oh.
Machine-gun wielding Mafia Fangirls:(Fill Boromir full of lead. Boromir falls down.)
Legolas: Oh Elbereth. They killed Boromir.
Gimli: You-
Boromir:(Stands up, and once again starts dishing out merry hell.)
Gimli: *sigh*
FanCatgirl:(Steps out from the retreating armies of Female Fandom.) I am Eyani'ela the Swordscatgirl! And I shall have the object of my desires!
Boromir: (Stands sword planted in the ground, standing firmly with his legs slightly apart... apparently not noticing that he is bleeding profusely.) None Shall Pass!
Eyani: Then I shalt smite thee down! (Draws her sword.)
Boromir: I said, None Shall Pass! (Attacks her)
(The two swords clash repeatedly as the two opponents dance around each other, each searching for an opening. But the warrior of Gondor stumbles on a trailing cable, and the catgirl takes her chance, slicing Boromir's free arm from his body!)
Eyani: Ha! I win! Now, to- (looks up, and narrowly blocks Boromir's downward stroke.) Hey!
Boromir: (Bouncing energetically on his toes.) Well? Fight!
Eyani: I cut your arm off!
Boromir: ........ No ya didn't!
Eyani: Yes I did! Look!
Boromir: (Looks down at his shoulder as if seeing it for the first time)... I've had worse!
Eyani: ...
Boromir: Come on, ya pansy! (He attacks her. However, in his enthusiasm, he leaves himself wide open and Eyani easily cuts off his other arm. Boromir looks at it for a while.)
Eyani: NOW I win for sure! Nyah nya- ow! (Boromir has kicked her.)
Boromir: Come on! (Kicks her again)
Eyani: You've got no arms, you silly ****!
Boromir: (Pauses in his pathetic attack)... It's just a flesh wound!
Eyani: (Her tail lashes around behind her in annoyance. Her face shows disbelief.)
Boromir: I'll show you! I'm gonna WIN! (Starts kicking her again) I'm INVINCIBLE!!!
Eyani: (Shaking her head in disbelief, she cleanly chops his head off. His head lands just in front of the audience.)
Boromir's Head: All right. We'll call it a draw.
Aragorn: (Comes down from the audience and picks up Boromir's head.) Alas, poor Boromir... I knew him well.
Boromir's head: No you didn't, you liar!
Aragorn: YAAAAA! GETITAWAY!! (Throws the head as far as he can. It goes out the skylight, smashing it.)
Meanwhile...
Denethor: (Sitting, about to start on a bowl of soup) I wonder how Boromir is doing?
(Boromir's head flies thorough the window and lands in the bowl, splashing soup everywhere.)
Denethor: ........... AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!
(Beregond rushes in)
Beregond: What is it, Lord!?
Denethor: THERE'S SOUP ALL OVER MY BEST STEWARDING SUIT!
Beregond: Ooh... That's never going to come out.
Denethor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Back in the studio...
Legolas: ...Oh Elbereth... She's killed Boromir...
Gimli: ...You bastard...-ette...
Eyani: Finally! I claim my prize! (Looks over and sees that Legolas has already been seated and a protective glass screen put around him while she was fighting.) Aww... (Goes up, sits in the audience, and crosses her arms huffily.)
Legolas: Well... I'm Legolas... I'm a wood elf... and the author can't think of a catchy phrase for me.
(In the audience, hundreds of fangirls scream and wave banners professing their love for him.)
Well, they're all here! Let's get started on the interviewing! And don't worry blondes; the silvers have said they won't mercilessly slay you in their angsty way. Don't even THINK about how they've all been shameless liars!
(The silvers all glare in unison at the blondes, who lean back nervously.)
Katelin:(Sighs, and sits in her chair in front of the three.) Okay, Darken-
D. Rahl: Please. Call me Father Rahl.
Katelin:... No. (Rahl crosses his arms and grumbles for a few seconds, then regains his icy smile.) So tell us about yourself. I understand you're a wizard, with the gift for additive magic and the knowledge of subtractive?
D. Rahl: That's right.
Katelin: .... And you also spend your time repeatedly returning from the Underworld in an attempt to wreak havoc, enslave the world to your Dark Master's will in return for immortality, and generally pester and agitate your son, Richard?
D. Rahl: He always forgets me on father's day.
Katelin: I believe you've tried to kill him on several occasions.
D. Rahl: ........ And? He's too melodramatic. You should hear him. "Oh no, me and Kahlan have been separated, we'll never see each other again, boohoo. Oh hooray, we're back together again against impossible odds. Oh no, we're separated again, and the usually misleading prophecies say bad stuff's gonna happen. Oh hooray, the prophecies were talking about good stuff really, and we're back together again. Oh no, we've been separated again and I'm going to die horribly for some reason..." and so on.
Katelin: Right. I really think you should be silver-haired, you know.
D. Rahl: Aww, thanks! I tried, but they wouldn't let me join.
Katelin: Oh? Why not?
(She turns and looks at the silvers, who are all nonchalantly twiddling their thumbs, whistling, and looking in other directions. Katelin glares at them, and they wince. They get into a huddle and talk in lowered voices to each other. The words "Die", "Burn" and "Jenova" are heard several times. They unhuddle, and Kuja is pushed in front of the group.)
Kuja: Uh... (Thinks: Dammitcan'ttellhertherealreasonmakeoneupmakeoneupshe'ssodamnSCARY...)
Katelin: Well?
Kuja: It's... because... er... well...
Katelin: What's the problem?
Kuja: Uh... People are going to get angry... (He turns to the other silvers, but they frown and gesture for him to continue.) ... um... it's because... weeellllllll... he's.... (His face becomes more serious) It's because he's not from an anime or video game, that's why!
Katelin: What!?
D. Rahl and Legolas: (Stand up) WHAT!?
(Kuja winces, but the other two silvers stand next to him and cross their arms.)
Legolas: THAT'S FLAGRANT DESCRIMINATION!
Gimli: Yeah! You tell him!
(Lucius Malfoy stands up from the audience in wrath, cane in hand.)
Lucius: Book and film bishounen are equal to those in anime and video games! Even if we're not originally Japanese!
Aragorn: You tell 'em, Lucy! (Gets hit on the head with the cane for calling him "Lucy".) Ow!
Sephiroth: Jeno- I mean, shut up! You're too old to be a bishounen now anyway, and you were never able to kick enough ass!
(Lucius, grumbling, sits down, but others stand up.)
Ep. II Anakin: I have a ponytail, a following of women and also kick much ass, but I was never allowed to be a bishounen! Now I know why!
Kuja: You're nowhere near pretty enough to be a bishounen!
(Anakin sits down grumbling.)
Anakin: This sucks. Don't you agree, Maul?
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.
Anakin: Is that all you ever say!?
Darth Maul: Soon... reveal... Jedi... will... ourselves... have... soon?
Anakin: Rrgh...
Navi (Zelda: Ocarina of time): Hey!
Anakin: What?
Navi: Look!
Anakin: (Looks around.) What!?
Navi: Listen!
Anakin: TO WHAT!?
Navi: HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!!!
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.
Random Black Mages (FFIX): KILL!!
NPC: *sigh* Times are tough.
Cornerian guard: Welcome to Corneria!
Fighter: I like swords.
Link (Zelda): Uaaaaagh!
Fina (Skies of Arcadia): Thank you so much...
Kirby: Hiiiiiii!
Anakin: AAAARRRGH!!!! I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! (Ignites his lightsaber and prepares to go psycho a la Tusken Raiders, but then Sephiroth drops out of the sky and impales him.)
Sephiroth: .... Damn! Sorry, my aim was off. Wait, I'm supposed to be arguing with people!
(He runs off, revealing the person sitting in the seat behind Anakin's, yep, you guessed it, Aeris, looking like she's having a heart attack from fear. Aeris is from ff7.)
Tifa (ff7): *sigh* Yuffie, get Aeris' pills.
Yuffie (ff7): Oops! Vincent said he had a headache, and I think I gave them to him!
Tifa: Uh oh.
Vincent (ff7): (Standing outdoors, next to the skylight broken by Aragorn.) YE'LL NEVAH TAKE ME ALIVE, MOOGLES! (Jumps through the skylight.) AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *Thump*
All: ............
(Garnet and Yuna come in, load Vincent's body on their stretcher, and leave.)
Legolas: ...... What were we talking about?
Kuja: ...I forget.
Katelin: Let's.... just get on with it. Alan, you're next. Tell us about yourself.
Kuja: (Thinks: Phew!)
Alan: Sure! I was a main character in Escaflowne, but now the plot's over I wander the planet looking for adventure. I'm one of Vaun's best friends, and when I'm not hanging out with him or my crew, I'm usually found helping my sister shop for clothes and shoes.
D. Rahl: Oh, you have a sister?
Alan: Yep! Look, there she is! (Points to Dilandau.)
D. Rahl: ........ Riiiiight. (Shuffles his chair away.)
Katelin: Well, Alan, you seem to have an interesting life. Any secrets you'd care to share?
Alan: Of course! I can now reveal that I'm actually a cyborg!
(Stunned silence)
Alan: I was originally designed with the purpose of being the most charming, attractive creature to women in the entire universe! Look... (Turns around and lifts the hair off his neck to reveal a small panel with a knob labelled "charm level". It is currently set to 1.) This is the normal level of charm. Level two, or "Lynx effects" level... (He turns it up. Two beautiful women appear out of nowhere and stand next to him. He puts his arms around them and grins.) ... You can see its results.
Legolas: Wow. (Looks at the dial, and reaches over to it.) So, what will level 5 be like? (He turns it.)
Alan: No, don't-
(the rest of his words are cut off as he is engulfed in a rampant tide of femininity.)
Random girl No. 1: I got his shirt!
R. G. No. 2: I got his pants!
R. G. No. 3: I got his arm!
Alan: AUUUGH! THE PAIN!
Legolas: Oops.
Kuja: We should help him...
Sephiroth: ... Then do so, Kuja-san. Geez... all the whaite mages are in there...
Steiner: And Lulu.
(There is an explosion in the centre of the mob.)
Lulu: STAY BACK, THE HAIR IS MINE!
Cecil (FF4): (Sighs, then stands up and starts wading through the crowd, preparing his own white magic as he does so.)
(Sephiroth turns to the camera.)
Sephiroth: We'll be right back.
-------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
-------------------------
GARLAND + ASSOCIATES
Trainers of Fine Villains
Garland (ff1): Hello friends. Have you ever felt that you were better than other people? Stronger? Smarter? More EVIL? Then maybe you should consider becoming... a VILLAIN!
Sauron (LotR): (Steps out) Once I was just a servant of the Dark Lord Morgoth. But now I raze, pillage, implement my plans for world domination and control a fine chain of Italian restaurants. EVIL Italian restaurants! And it's all thanks to Garland + Associates! (Accepts sack with currency- symbol-of -your-choice on it.)
Garland: Yes, for just a pathetic 60,000 Gold starting fee, you will receive our special expert training! Whether you want to destroy the universe or just annoyingly keep coming back to fight the heroes, we can tell you what you need to know! Meet one of our expert trainers; Ultimecia! She will teach you how to possess people and how to give evil speeches!
(Cut to Ultimecia (ff8) standing in front of a microphone, talking to a crowd of people.)
Ultimecia: I will destroy you all!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: Then I will hunt down your families!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: And burn them to ashes!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: Hello? Hello!? (Taps microphone) Is this thing on!?
(Back to Garland)
Garland: All the students who walk out of our school do so -Uckk! (Dies)
Garland (ff9): (Standing behind his namesake's corpse, bloody dagger in hand.) Fool. He should never have let his guard down. Un-escapable my bony old ass. (Notices his audience) Ahh! Uh... (Walks off camera...)
(...But is pushed back on.)
Garland: ...kill him, I get all his jobs!? I don't want... Eek!(Narrowly dodges several sharp instruments which fly past his head.) All Right, all right! *Ahem*(turns to camera) All the students who walk out of our school do so satisfied. Just ask Kuja, a graduate of our course!
Kuja: I used to be just a random genome. But now, I'm greater than that! And it's all thanks to the wonderful courses offered at Garland + Associates! (Accepts a twin of the aforementioned sack)
Garland: And you've never looked back?
Kuja: No. I never wanted to be a random genome. I had always wanted to be... a VILLAIN!
(Music starts, Garland stands behind Kuja, Rufus (ff7) and Seifer (ff8) join him on either side, forming the chorus.)
****** Kuja: Oooohh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
Chorus: He's a Villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory,
World Destruction down to robbing,
All evil pleases me!
Chorus: He burns down towns, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory.
World Destruction down to robbing,
All evil pleases.... he.
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, I kill and maim,
I study evil lore,
I take all power I'm offered,
And then try take some more!
Chorus: He burns down towns, He kills and maims,
He studies evil lore,
He takes all power he's offered,
And then he'll take some more!
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, laugh evil laughs,
For betrayal I have the knack,
I capture hero's love lives,
But they always get them back!
Chorus: He burns down towns, laughs evil laughs,
For betrayal he has the knack,
He captures hero's love lives,
But just stares at her ra- (They all get slapped in one smooth, pleasing motion.)
Kuja: Ahem. Ooohh I'm a Villain and I'm Okaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy...
Believe me when I say
I'M NOT GAY!!!
******
Enrol in Garland + Associates today!!!
------------------------
+++++++++++++++
------------------------
Are you getting tired of the USUAL adventuring fare?
Frodo (LotR): Ho hum, dried meat and bread for breakfast again.
Sam (LotR): And apples, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Sam, you used all our apples to cook pies for the pie-eating contest with Pippin, remember? That's why we had to take him to the hospital.
Sam: Oh yeah.
Frodo: I wish we had something else to eat...
Gandalf (LotR): (Jumps out from behind a tree) WELL WISH NO MORE!
Sam + Frodo: AAAUUUGH!
Gandalf: Yes! From the people who brought you Lembas (One bite will fill the stomach of a grown man) (TM) now comes the breakfast cereal with THE POWER OF THE OCEAN! (He holds out a box of cereal) Ulm-O's!
Frodo: (Suddenly eating Ulm-O's cereal at a table indoors) Wow! It's Valar- iffic!
Gandalf: And now for a limited time, specially marked boxes of Ulm-O's come with... (Holds out action figure) ... A FREE BEREN ONE-HANDED ACTION FIGURE WITH REAL SILMARILLION-STEALING ACTION! (He puts the action figure on the floor and presses a button on it's back. It walks mechanically out the door.)
(Pause)
Angry Elvish Voice: (Distant) AW CRAP! NOT AGAIN! CURSE YOU, VALAR!!
Manwe: Sigh... I hope he'll lay off the kinslaying this time.
(Author's note: Sorry, but you won't have got those jokes if you aren't familiar with the silmarillion.)
------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK END
------------------------------
Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you... plot foreshadowing!
Meanwhile...
Ansem (Kingdom Hearts): Muahahaha! Haha! And so on!
Riku (Kingdom Hearts): Why are you laughing maniacally?
Ansem: Because the powers of Darkness flow through me... I have to satisfy the cliche. Dark powers = maniacal laughter. Yes, the Darkness... My powers grow, and Darkness shall consume my enemies! YES, DARKNESS! SOON, MY PLANS WILL COME TO DARK FRUITION!
Riku: What plans are these, Ansem?
Ansem: All in time, Riku. We must be as patient as the Darkness, as it awaits, beyond the realms where light holds sway...
Riku: It's not the plan where we knock them unconscious and steal all their pants, is it?
Ansem: Wha... No!
Riku: Oh, then it's the one where the heartless replace all their clothes with copies exactly one size larger.
Ansem: No!
Riku: It's not the one with the cow and the pink paint, is it?
Ansem: NO, DARKNESS DAMN YOU! THIS IS A SERIOUS PLAN!
Riku: ...Really?
Ansem: YES!
Riku: Oh. That's a nice change.
Ansem: (Glares at him.) Come, Riku. You must meet our newest ally in Darkness.
Riku: Ally?
Ansem: (grins) Of course. We cannot do this alone...
(He and Riku turn towards the door, which opens to reveal the shape, dark even against the shadows beyond the door, of a man in a cape, with two eyes glowing red in his face. This is all that can be made out.)
Ansem: HAHAHAHAHA!
Riku: *sigh* Why am I still here?
Shadowy figure: (Shrugs)
*CHAPTER END*
by Jukashi
A/N: Hey, peeps. If you've read this before, you may notice that it's changed. I hope it's changed for the better, but the only real change is the addition of an actual plot. There is now (hopefully) an element of mystery underlying the crazy antics now, and a plot that will be revealed later. As before, this fic spans a great many book and game universes that I am interested in, so it's very unlikely that you'll get all the references. There will be many spoilers for those universes, and SERIOUS OOC-ness (That's Out-Of-Character-ness for you untutored types.) None of these characters belong to me, except myself, Katelin and Eyani'ela in this chapter, and other characters noted at the beginning of every chapter they first appear in. I'm doing this for myself, so I can practise my writing, but I hope you'll enjoy it.
DUN DA DA DUN DA DUN DUNN!!
/THE BISHOUNEN THEORIES\
Narrator: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a production by Ori Studios, to a show studying the varieties and mysteries of bishounen. We hope you will enjoy. Now, for your first easy primer:
(Katelin pulls in Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy (ff7)
Katelin: This is a bishounen.
(Katelin pulls in George W. Bush)
Katelin: This is NOT a bishounen.
Narrator: WASN'T THAT EASY!?
By definition, a bishounen is a "long-haired pretty boy". HOWEVER, to be a true bishounen, they must be capable of placing their walking limb to a certain amount of posterior. They must also look somewhat like a girl. If they have any overly manly qualities (bulging muscles, square jaw, chest hair, etc.) They are NOT true bishounen, with a few exceptions.
Now, let's meet some of the different breeds of bishounen! First, the famous Silver-haired breed.
(Katelin lines up Sephiroth, Kuja (ffIX) and Ramirez (from Skies of Arcadia) and sits them on seats in the centre of the studio)
Sephiroth: Are we on?
Ramirez: DIE!!
Kuja: Does he have to be here?
Katelin: I think so... Dilandau might be more capable of holding conversation, but I can't find him.
Sephiroth: (Sits silently, twiddling his thumbs)
Ramirez: DIE!!
Katelin: (Looks suspiciously at Ramirez, then walks over to him)
Ramirez: Die?
Katelin: (Grabs Ramirez and pulls his mask off)
GASP!
Kuja: GASP!
Sephiroth: GASP!
Ramirez/Dilandau (Escaflowne): Curses!
Katelin: I thought so!
Kuja: Same hair, same swordsmanship, same obsession with certain words...
R/D: BURN!
Kuja: ... We should have known!
Narrator: Um... Anyway. Let's have a look at this fascinating breed of bishounen! How many here have tried to destroy the world?
All bishounen: *Raise hands*
Nearly all Silver-haired bishounen try to destroy the world. If, in Escaflowne, Dilandau found some way of doing so, he would probably have destroyed the world too. Probably to see the pretty flames of Armageddon.
R/D: Fire is good!
Narrator: Indeed. Silver-haired bishounen are the most powerful breed of bishounen, and it may be possible to gauge their power by a quick glance at their hair. First, we look at Sephiroth, the acclaimed "Most Powerful of All Bishounen Ever", _Silverus Kickassus_
Sephiroth: Jenova?
Katelin: Look at the hair. See how straight and free-flowing it is. Note its length. All the way to the hip.
Sephiroth: Uh...
Katelin: This bishounen is particularly tall and well formed, and is an excellent example of a more powerful individual.
Sephiroth: ... Excuse me, but...
Katelin: Hmmm? Oh, right. (She gives Sephiroth a bishie treat)
Sephiroth:!!!!! (Eats it, then curls up and purrs happily)
Excellent, Now we move on to the second most powerful of the group, Kuja, _Silverus Girlius_. How ya doing, Kuja?
Kuja: Fine... Are you going to study me the same way you did him?
Katelin: Yes.
Kuja: I won't do it.
Katelin: We'll give you a bishie-treat.
Kuja: Uh... no!
Katelin: We'll give you TWO bishie treats. One now, one when we're done.
Kuja: Oh... okay. (Eats the treat she gives him and purrs happily like Sephiroth did)
Katelin: Now, this bishounen's hair is wavy, and reaches midway down his back. Also, he has feathers in it. See the amount of makeup he wears, eyeliner, lipstick, the works. This bishounen carries no weapon, but unlike the others, wears armour. Not that you could really call it armour, since it's too skimpy to be any use. Lower, he wears little but boots and bikini bottoms. Note the curve of the hips, body and shoulders. This one cares a lot about how he looks. Many would think he's gay, but actually, most gay men look quite normal, and an individual such as this, while not being quite straight, is not likely to be wholly homosexual. Easily the most girlish bishounen I've ever seen.
(Kuja starts to complain, but Katelin gives him his other bishie-treat)
Finally, we look at Ramirez/Dilandau, _Silverus Insanitus_, a very interesting specimen!
R/D: DIE!!
Katelin: Of course. Does he know any other words?
Maybe. You'd have to ask one of Escaflowne's cast.
Katelin: Right. HEY HITOMI!
Hitomi: (In the audience) WHAAAAAAT!?
Katelin: DOES DILANDAU SAY ANYTHING APART FROM BURN AND DIE?
Hitomi: YEAH! (Turns more towards Dilandau) WASUUUUUUPPP!?
R/D: WASUUUUUUPP!?
(Katelin knocks them both unconscious before it can go any further. She goes to Ramirez/Dilandau and examines him)
Katelin: Right. This bishounen's hair goes to his shoulders, and he is the weakest of these three. He wears military clothes, and a sword at his side. A simple sword, which just shows that he, has no need for fancy ornamentation. (She opens one of his eyes) More of an icy expression than the others. He rose to power in some armed forces or another. Altogether, it indeed seems the longer the hair, the more powerful the Silver-haired bishounen is. Back to you, Narrator Guy!
Narrator: All right! That's the Silver-haired bishounen done with. With them out of the way, lets move on to the blonde bishounen! These were a bit harder to find, but we have found three that are bishounen-like. Instead of examining them, we will be interviewing them, since they're less likely to go crazy and homicidal. Please welcome the first, from the Sword of Truth series of books, Darken Rahl!
(Darken Rahl walks in to the tune of that song by Chumbawumba that goes " I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down", I forget it's name, and sits in the first seat.)
D. Rahl: I'm evil, yet sexy.
Sephiroth: Wha- HEY! (Sephiroth and Kuja stand up indignantly) Why do they get a flashy entrance and we don't?
Because I only just thought of it and I'm not going back and changing it! So quiet down!
(Sephiroth, Kuja, and the still-groggy bishounen fusion Ramirez/Dilandau sit down. Kuja crosses his arms and grumbles.)
Right. Anyway. *Ahem* All the way from the events of Escaflowne, comes Alan Shazaar!
(Alan strides into the studio to the tune of "Mambo no. 5", blows kisses to all the women in the audience, and sits down.)
Alan: I've had a romantic relationship with nearly every recurring female character in Escaflowne... Twice! Except Merle... (Cups his hands and shouts to Merle, who is in the audience) YOU WILL BE MINE, MY DEAR!
Merle: (shouting from a distance) DROP DEAD!
And finally, a man sought after by cinema-going women the world over, so much that we had to give him bodyguards, all the way from Middle-Earth... Legolas Greenleaf!
(All the audience turns to the door. Gimli (Legolas' dwarf friend, those of you who might not know due to living under rocks) pokes his head out, looks around, and then beckons to someone outside. Legolas comes out, flanked by Steiner (ffIX), Lulu (ffX) and, bringing up the rear, Boromir. Hey, that rhymed! Legolas peers about nervously.)
Legolas: ... N-no fangirls?
Gimli: Not that I can see! Let's go!
(Suddenly, a generic fangirl leaps out of nowhere!)
Fangirl: LEGOLA-
BOOOOOOOM!
(Lulu blows on her smoking finger as the girl's twitching body hits the ground.)
Steiner: Incredible! How did you gain such skills, Lady Lulu?
(As Lu opens her mouth to speak, a generic fanboy also leaps out of nowhere!)
Fanboy: LU-
BOOOOOOOOOOMM!!
Lulu:(Lowers her outstretched hand.) Need I say anything? Can we get some white mages out here?
(Garnet, Eiko, Yuna and Rosa (all from Final Fantasy games) run out with stretchers, load the charred fans onto them, and run out making "Huthuthuthut" noises.)
Boromir: And here was me expecting an army of fangirls after Legolas. How boring.
(An army of fangirls appears out of nowhere!)
Gimli: You HAD to say it.
Boromir: Oops.
Lulu: Go on, you deal with them.
Boromir: *sigh* Righto.(Faces the approaching army of fangirls) Hmm... Did I ever say I don't fight women? (Thinks for a moment) I don't think I did! YAAAAAARRGH! (Raises his sword and charges in).)
Bow-wielding elf fangirls:(Shoot him, riddling his body with arrows. Boromir collapses.)
Legolas: Oh Elbereth! They killed Boromir!
Gimli: You-
Boromir: (Suddenly leaps out and starts kicking ass again)
Gimli: ...Oh.
Machine-gun wielding Mafia Fangirls:(Fill Boromir full of lead. Boromir falls down.)
Legolas: Oh Elbereth. They killed Boromir.
Gimli: You-
Boromir:(Stands up, and once again starts dishing out merry hell.)
Gimli: *sigh*
FanCatgirl:(Steps out from the retreating armies of Female Fandom.) I am Eyani'ela the Swordscatgirl! And I shall have the object of my desires!
Boromir: (Stands sword planted in the ground, standing firmly with his legs slightly apart... apparently not noticing that he is bleeding profusely.) None Shall Pass!
Eyani: Then I shalt smite thee down! (Draws her sword.)
Boromir: I said, None Shall Pass! (Attacks her)
(The two swords clash repeatedly as the two opponents dance around each other, each searching for an opening. But the warrior of Gondor stumbles on a trailing cable, and the catgirl takes her chance, slicing Boromir's free arm from his body!)
Eyani: Ha! I win! Now, to- (looks up, and narrowly blocks Boromir's downward stroke.) Hey!
Boromir: (Bouncing energetically on his toes.) Well? Fight!
Eyani: I cut your arm off!
Boromir: ........ No ya didn't!
Eyani: Yes I did! Look!
Boromir: (Looks down at his shoulder as if seeing it for the first time)... I've had worse!
Eyani: ...
Boromir: Come on, ya pansy! (He attacks her. However, in his enthusiasm, he leaves himself wide open and Eyani easily cuts off his other arm. Boromir looks at it for a while.)
Eyani: NOW I win for sure! Nyah nya- ow! (Boromir has kicked her.)
Boromir: Come on! (Kicks her again)
Eyani: You've got no arms, you silly ****!
Boromir: (Pauses in his pathetic attack)... It's just a flesh wound!
Eyani: (Her tail lashes around behind her in annoyance. Her face shows disbelief.)
Boromir: I'll show you! I'm gonna WIN! (Starts kicking her again) I'm INVINCIBLE!!!
Eyani: (Shaking her head in disbelief, she cleanly chops his head off. His head lands just in front of the audience.)
Boromir's Head: All right. We'll call it a draw.
Aragorn: (Comes down from the audience and picks up Boromir's head.) Alas, poor Boromir... I knew him well.
Boromir's head: No you didn't, you liar!
Aragorn: YAAAAA! GETITAWAY!! (Throws the head as far as he can. It goes out the skylight, smashing it.)
Meanwhile...
Denethor: (Sitting, about to start on a bowl of soup) I wonder how Boromir is doing?
(Boromir's head flies thorough the window and lands in the bowl, splashing soup everywhere.)
Denethor: ........... AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!
(Beregond rushes in)
Beregond: What is it, Lord!?
Denethor: THERE'S SOUP ALL OVER MY BEST STEWARDING SUIT!
Beregond: Ooh... That's never going to come out.
Denethor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Back in the studio...
Legolas: ...Oh Elbereth... She's killed Boromir...
Gimli: ...You bastard...-ette...
Eyani: Finally! I claim my prize! (Looks over and sees that Legolas has already been seated and a protective glass screen put around him while she was fighting.) Aww... (Goes up, sits in the audience, and crosses her arms huffily.)
Legolas: Well... I'm Legolas... I'm a wood elf... and the author can't think of a catchy phrase for me.
(In the audience, hundreds of fangirls scream and wave banners professing their love for him.)
Well, they're all here! Let's get started on the interviewing! And don't worry blondes; the silvers have said they won't mercilessly slay you in their angsty way. Don't even THINK about how they've all been shameless liars!
(The silvers all glare in unison at the blondes, who lean back nervously.)
Katelin:(Sighs, and sits in her chair in front of the three.) Okay, Darken-
D. Rahl: Please. Call me Father Rahl.
Katelin:... No. (Rahl crosses his arms and grumbles for a few seconds, then regains his icy smile.) So tell us about yourself. I understand you're a wizard, with the gift for additive magic and the knowledge of subtractive?
D. Rahl: That's right.
Katelin: .... And you also spend your time repeatedly returning from the Underworld in an attempt to wreak havoc, enslave the world to your Dark Master's will in return for immortality, and generally pester and agitate your son, Richard?
D. Rahl: He always forgets me on father's day.
Katelin: I believe you've tried to kill him on several occasions.
D. Rahl: ........ And? He's too melodramatic. You should hear him. "Oh no, me and Kahlan have been separated, we'll never see each other again, boohoo. Oh hooray, we're back together again against impossible odds. Oh no, we're separated again, and the usually misleading prophecies say bad stuff's gonna happen. Oh hooray, the prophecies were talking about good stuff really, and we're back together again. Oh no, we've been separated again and I'm going to die horribly for some reason..." and so on.
Katelin: Right. I really think you should be silver-haired, you know.
D. Rahl: Aww, thanks! I tried, but they wouldn't let me join.
Katelin: Oh? Why not?
(She turns and looks at the silvers, who are all nonchalantly twiddling their thumbs, whistling, and looking in other directions. Katelin glares at them, and they wince. They get into a huddle and talk in lowered voices to each other. The words "Die", "Burn" and "Jenova" are heard several times. They unhuddle, and Kuja is pushed in front of the group.)
Kuja: Uh... (Thinks: Dammitcan'ttellhertherealreasonmakeoneupmakeoneupshe'ssodamnSCARY...)
Katelin: Well?
Kuja: It's... because... er... well...
Katelin: What's the problem?
Kuja: Uh... People are going to get angry... (He turns to the other silvers, but they frown and gesture for him to continue.) ... um... it's because... weeellllllll... he's.... (His face becomes more serious) It's because he's not from an anime or video game, that's why!
Katelin: What!?
D. Rahl and Legolas: (Stand up) WHAT!?
(Kuja winces, but the other two silvers stand next to him and cross their arms.)
Legolas: THAT'S FLAGRANT DESCRIMINATION!
Gimli: Yeah! You tell him!
(Lucius Malfoy stands up from the audience in wrath, cane in hand.)
Lucius: Book and film bishounen are equal to those in anime and video games! Even if we're not originally Japanese!
Aragorn: You tell 'em, Lucy! (Gets hit on the head with the cane for calling him "Lucy".) Ow!
Sephiroth: Jeno- I mean, shut up! You're too old to be a bishounen now anyway, and you were never able to kick enough ass!
(Lucius, grumbling, sits down, but others stand up.)
Ep. II Anakin: I have a ponytail, a following of women and also kick much ass, but I was never allowed to be a bishounen! Now I know why!
Kuja: You're nowhere near pretty enough to be a bishounen!
(Anakin sits down grumbling.)
Anakin: This sucks. Don't you agree, Maul?
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.
Anakin: Is that all you ever say!?
Darth Maul: Soon... reveal... Jedi... will... ourselves... have... soon?
Anakin: Rrgh...
Navi (Zelda: Ocarina of time): Hey!
Anakin: What?
Navi: Look!
Anakin: (Looks around.) What!?
Navi: Listen!
Anakin: TO WHAT!?
Navi: HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!!!
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.
Random Black Mages (FFIX): KILL!!
NPC: *sigh* Times are tough.
Cornerian guard: Welcome to Corneria!
Fighter: I like swords.
Link (Zelda): Uaaaaagh!
Fina (Skies of Arcadia): Thank you so much...
Kirby: Hiiiiiii!
Anakin: AAAARRRGH!!!! I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! (Ignites his lightsaber and prepares to go psycho a la Tusken Raiders, but then Sephiroth drops out of the sky and impales him.)
Sephiroth: .... Damn! Sorry, my aim was off. Wait, I'm supposed to be arguing with people!
(He runs off, revealing the person sitting in the seat behind Anakin's, yep, you guessed it, Aeris, looking like she's having a heart attack from fear. Aeris is from ff7.)
Tifa (ff7): *sigh* Yuffie, get Aeris' pills.
Yuffie (ff7): Oops! Vincent said he had a headache, and I think I gave them to him!
Tifa: Uh oh.
Vincent (ff7): (Standing outdoors, next to the skylight broken by Aragorn.) YE'LL NEVAH TAKE ME ALIVE, MOOGLES! (Jumps through the skylight.) AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *Thump*
All: ............
(Garnet and Yuna come in, load Vincent's body on their stretcher, and leave.)
Legolas: ...... What were we talking about?
Kuja: ...I forget.
Katelin: Let's.... just get on with it. Alan, you're next. Tell us about yourself.
Kuja: (Thinks: Phew!)
Alan: Sure! I was a main character in Escaflowne, but now the plot's over I wander the planet looking for adventure. I'm one of Vaun's best friends, and when I'm not hanging out with him or my crew, I'm usually found helping my sister shop for clothes and shoes.
D. Rahl: Oh, you have a sister?
Alan: Yep! Look, there she is! (Points to Dilandau.)
D. Rahl: ........ Riiiiight. (Shuffles his chair away.)
Katelin: Well, Alan, you seem to have an interesting life. Any secrets you'd care to share?
Alan: Of course! I can now reveal that I'm actually a cyborg!
(Stunned silence)
Alan: I was originally designed with the purpose of being the most charming, attractive creature to women in the entire universe! Look... (Turns around and lifts the hair off his neck to reveal a small panel with a knob labelled "charm level". It is currently set to 1.) This is the normal level of charm. Level two, or "Lynx effects" level... (He turns it up. Two beautiful women appear out of nowhere and stand next to him. He puts his arms around them and grins.) ... You can see its results.
Legolas: Wow. (Looks at the dial, and reaches over to it.) So, what will level 5 be like? (He turns it.)
Alan: No, don't-
(the rest of his words are cut off as he is engulfed in a rampant tide of femininity.)
Random girl No. 1: I got his shirt!
R. G. No. 2: I got his pants!
R. G. No. 3: I got his arm!
Alan: AUUUGH! THE PAIN!
Legolas: Oops.
Kuja: We should help him...
Sephiroth: ... Then do so, Kuja-san. Geez... all the whaite mages are in there...
Steiner: And Lulu.
(There is an explosion in the centre of the mob.)
Lulu: STAY BACK, THE HAIR IS MINE!
Cecil (FF4): (Sighs, then stands up and starts wading through the crowd, preparing his own white magic as he does so.)
(Sephiroth turns to the camera.)
Sephiroth: We'll be right back.
-------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
-------------------------
GARLAND + ASSOCIATES
Trainers of Fine Villains
Garland (ff1): Hello friends. Have you ever felt that you were better than other people? Stronger? Smarter? More EVIL? Then maybe you should consider becoming... a VILLAIN!
Sauron (LotR): (Steps out) Once I was just a servant of the Dark Lord Morgoth. But now I raze, pillage, implement my plans for world domination and control a fine chain of Italian restaurants. EVIL Italian restaurants! And it's all thanks to Garland + Associates! (Accepts sack with currency- symbol-of -your-choice on it.)
Garland: Yes, for just a pathetic 60,000 Gold starting fee, you will receive our special expert training! Whether you want to destroy the universe or just annoyingly keep coming back to fight the heroes, we can tell you what you need to know! Meet one of our expert trainers; Ultimecia! She will teach you how to possess people and how to give evil speeches!
(Cut to Ultimecia (ff8) standing in front of a microphone, talking to a crowd of people.)
Ultimecia: I will destroy you all!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: Then I will hunt down your families!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: And burn them to ashes!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Ultimecia: Hello? Hello!? (Taps microphone) Is this thing on!?
(Back to Garland)
Garland: All the students who walk out of our school do so -Uckk! (Dies)
Garland (ff9): (Standing behind his namesake's corpse, bloody dagger in hand.) Fool. He should never have let his guard down. Un-escapable my bony old ass. (Notices his audience) Ahh! Uh... (Walks off camera...)
(...But is pushed back on.)
Garland: ...kill him, I get all his jobs!? I don't want... Eek!(Narrowly dodges several sharp instruments which fly past his head.) All Right, all right! *Ahem*(turns to camera) All the students who walk out of our school do so satisfied. Just ask Kuja, a graduate of our course!
Kuja: I used to be just a random genome. But now, I'm greater than that! And it's all thanks to the wonderful courses offered at Garland + Associates! (Accepts a twin of the aforementioned sack)
Garland: And you've never looked back?
Kuja: No. I never wanted to be a random genome. I had always wanted to be... a VILLAIN!
(Music starts, Garland stands behind Kuja, Rufus (ff7) and Seifer (ff8) join him on either side, forming the chorus.)
****** Kuja: Oooohh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
Chorus: He's a Villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory,
World Destruction down to robbing,
All evil pleases me!
Chorus: He burns down towns, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory.
World Destruction down to robbing,
All evil pleases.... he.
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, I kill and maim,
I study evil lore,
I take all power I'm offered,
And then try take some more!
Chorus: He burns down towns, He kills and maims,
He studies evil lore,
He takes all power he's offered,
And then he'll take some more!
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,
I scheme all night and I plot all day!
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,
He schemes all night and he plots all day!
Kuja: I burn down towns, laugh evil laughs,
For betrayal I have the knack,
I capture hero's love lives,
But they always get them back!
Chorus: He burns down towns, laughs evil laughs,
For betrayal he has the knack,
He captures hero's love lives,
But just stares at her ra- (They all get slapped in one smooth, pleasing motion.)
Kuja: Ahem. Ooohh I'm a Villain and I'm Okaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy...
Believe me when I say
I'M NOT GAY!!!
******
Enrol in Garland + Associates today!!!
------------------------
+++++++++++++++
------------------------
Are you getting tired of the USUAL adventuring fare?
Frodo (LotR): Ho hum, dried meat and bread for breakfast again.
Sam (LotR): And apples, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Sam, you used all our apples to cook pies for the pie-eating contest with Pippin, remember? That's why we had to take him to the hospital.
Sam: Oh yeah.
Frodo: I wish we had something else to eat...
Gandalf (LotR): (Jumps out from behind a tree) WELL WISH NO MORE!
Sam + Frodo: AAAUUUGH!
Gandalf: Yes! From the people who brought you Lembas (One bite will fill the stomach of a grown man) (TM) now comes the breakfast cereal with THE POWER OF THE OCEAN! (He holds out a box of cereal) Ulm-O's!
Frodo: (Suddenly eating Ulm-O's cereal at a table indoors) Wow! It's Valar- iffic!
Gandalf: And now for a limited time, specially marked boxes of Ulm-O's come with... (Holds out action figure) ... A FREE BEREN ONE-HANDED ACTION FIGURE WITH REAL SILMARILLION-STEALING ACTION! (He puts the action figure on the floor and presses a button on it's back. It walks mechanically out the door.)
(Pause)
Angry Elvish Voice: (Distant) AW CRAP! NOT AGAIN! CURSE YOU, VALAR!!
Manwe: Sigh... I hope he'll lay off the kinslaying this time.
(Author's note: Sorry, but you won't have got those jokes if you aren't familiar with the silmarillion.)
------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK END
------------------------------
Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you... plot foreshadowing!
Meanwhile...
Ansem (Kingdom Hearts): Muahahaha! Haha! And so on!
Riku (Kingdom Hearts): Why are you laughing maniacally?
Ansem: Because the powers of Darkness flow through me... I have to satisfy the cliche. Dark powers = maniacal laughter. Yes, the Darkness... My powers grow, and Darkness shall consume my enemies! YES, DARKNESS! SOON, MY PLANS WILL COME TO DARK FRUITION!
Riku: What plans are these, Ansem?
Ansem: All in time, Riku. We must be as patient as the Darkness, as it awaits, beyond the realms where light holds sway...
Riku: It's not the plan where we knock them unconscious and steal all their pants, is it?
Ansem: Wha... No!
Riku: Oh, then it's the one where the heartless replace all their clothes with copies exactly one size larger.
Ansem: No!
Riku: It's not the one with the cow and the pink paint, is it?
Ansem: NO, DARKNESS DAMN YOU! THIS IS A SERIOUS PLAN!
Riku: ...Really?
Ansem: YES!
Riku: Oh. That's a nice change.
Ansem: (Glares at him.) Come, Riku. You must meet our newest ally in Darkness.
Riku: Ally?
Ansem: (grins) Of course. We cannot do this alone...
(He and Riku turn towards the door, which opens to reveal the shape, dark even against the shadows beyond the door, of a man in a cape, with two eyes glowing red in his face. This is all that can be made out.)
Ansem: HAHAHAHAHA!
Riku: *sigh* Why am I still here?
Shadowy figure: (Shrugs)
*CHAPTER END*