DISCLAIMER-None of these characters are mine. Obviously.
Chapter 1
"Dariaaaaaaa", The nasal voice called down the stairs, "Have you seen where my hair curler is?"
"Um no Quinn, have you looked in your hair?"
"Never mind, I found it"
"Such beauty and intellignce" quipped Jane
"Dariaaaaaaaaaa, have you seen my briefcase?"
"Now look honey, about tonight's business dinner.."
"Not now Jake, can't you see I'm busy?"
"Do you wanna go to my house?" asked Jane
"Sure" I replied
Walking past the football field the school football team were hard at practice
"But babe.."
"No Kevin, you can't wear my jumper" squeaked Brittany
"But it's got the team colours and everything!"
"AND GO TEAM!"
thud
"Oh that glorious bone crunching sound, it gets me every time" said Jane "Do you think the entire football teams IQ reaches the substantial level of 80?"
"I doubt it" I replied
We walked into Janes house, strangely soothing sounds coming from the resident philosopher, songwriter vocalist and guitarist of Mystik Spiral, Trent, reached our ears.
"I bought a rabbit, you wanna see?" asked Jane
"Um suuuure, ok"
"Her names Mixie"
"As in myxomatosis?" I asked
"Yeah, hey the Mystikal Spirals are playing in a pub in town this weekend"
"Really? They got a gig?"
"Yeah, they were more surprised than I was"
"Is it for a funeral?"
"Very funny"
"Quinn's sleepover will be starting about now, I bet they're doing something in the bathroom"
"Don't you just know it"
"This mirror makes me look fat!" exclaimed Stacy
"No, it's your butt that makes you look fat" explained Sandi
"Sandi don't be mean! We'll help you to lose that extra weight Stacy" Quinn smiled
"Hey Quinn it's that weird girl that lives in your house again"
"What did you say Tiffany?"
"You know, that weird girl, the one you said wandered in off the street"
"Oh um her..yeah, we found out she was, uh a, distant relative, a 7th cousin 4 times removed or something"
"So that would make her your…"
"Does this skirt make me look fat?"
"Just a bit" said Tiffany, distracted "I bet if you pin it here and…"
"Oh look, it's the future contestents for Jerry Springer, right here in my house, I should be honoured"
"Oh Daria, your home already…so early? Didn't you know that we were having a slumber party here?"
"I was hoping it wasn't true"
"Well can you, you know go out again, just until were finished?"
"What would you like me to do Quinn, wander the streets and scavenge like I did last night?"
"Ewwwwwwww" chorused the Fashion Club
"That's right, I ate out of bins, and I slept in a bus shelter, like I do every Friday night, because I have no life"
"Daria is seeing someone.."
"Except he couldn't deal with my manic depressive tendencies and he hung himself after I took all of his antidepressants to sell on the black market"
"..A professional..psy..psyco…psyco…psycopathic…um.."
"..Do you mean a psychic, Quinn?" asked Stacy
" A psychic is one of those people who talks to dead people Stacy" explained Sandi
"Does Daria talk to dead people? That's so weird!"
"Um hello, I am standing here, and nice as it is of you to waste the limited cerebral functions of your brains, you should think about something worthwhile, like abolishing famine, or deep cleansing or something equally meaningful."
"Daria's right" said Quinn
"I am?"
"We really should deep cleanse, I mean it's been at least 3 days since I refined my pores.."
Walking upstairs to the sound of giggling and the click of lipstick being opened, was the first time I seriously considered
seeing a psychiatrist.
Next Morning
"Jake honey, where's the high powered, energy enhancing, super vitamised, healthy, 3-meals-in-one, dietary suppliment?"
"You mean these things I've been drinking all morning?"
"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!"
"What! I thought these would reduce my stress level. Oh good morning Daria"
"Good morning, that's a contradiction in terms. What is good about this morning, oh wait, you didn't pick up on my obviously subtle and manipulative hints did you?"
"Morning Dariaaaaaaaa" said Quinn
"No…obviously not"
"Uh mom"
"Yes Quinn?"
"I'm going to the library to study tonight"
"Study what?"
"Um, stuff"
"Like what?"
"Stuff you study!"
"Yes Quinn, I gathered that, but what kind of stuff?"
"School stuff?"
"Uh mom?"
"Yes Daria"
"Jane and I are going um, on a socially broadening experience to enhance and fine tune our musical listening skills"
"Okkkkk…"
Walking down the street it occurred to me how gullible my biological parents actually were, I mean do they really believe Quinn is going to the library? Maybe their aliens or something, I saw this program on Sick Sad World about aliens that inhabit out planet. They walk among us and act really normal so we can't tell them apart from the rest of us humanoids. The again, I guess that means Quinn can't be an alien, because she doesn't act normal, but then again, maybe she's a really stupid alien..
"Penny for your thoughts?" interrupted Jane
"Didn't you switch over the dollars and cents system like the rest of us?"
"Fine.." Jane looked in her pockets "How about a half chewed pen lid, a ball of lint and a gun wrapper for your thoughts?"
"Ohhh lint balls, just what I wanted"
"Ha-ha"
"I was considering the possibility of Quinn and my biological parents being the products of Alien infiltration and a plot to take over Earth."
"You were watching Sick Sad World again wern't you."
"It's bad for my mental health if I skip a day"
"Since when did you worry about your mental health?"
"Since I realised I was thinking up ways to send Quinn to Austria"
"Good point"
"So um, is Trent going to drive us?"
"Yeah, if he can drag himself out of bed"
"Hey Daria"
"Hi Trent"
"How are you?"
"Eh, ok"
"Ready to roll?" asked Jane
"Sure thing" I replied
Arriving at the pub we looked about as out of place as tofu in a butchers. It was worth it though, Mystikal Spiral were amazing on stage, it was so utterly depressing. What is this squishy feeling inside me? No, could it be..remorse? like that time when me and Quinn were little and I was pushing her on the swing, and I accidentally pushed her too hard and she fell off and broke her nose…I doubt it.
"Hey Daria"
"Yes Jane"
"That old bum man is looking at you"
"Which one?"
"The drunk one"
"Grandpa??? Wait, no. Never mind, my bad"
"These people are weird"
"Weird is good"
"No, not like us"
"Oh, bad weird"
"Yeah."
After being driven home by Trent Quinn and I decided to order out because our parents were at some business meeting.
"Hey Daria, let's get pizza"
"Ok."
"How about one of those…ones with the deep bases?"
"Mm ok"
"Without the fishy things"
"Anchovies"
"Yeah, they suck"
"Ok"
"And without pineapple and mushroom, their gross, and no red meat, I don't eat red meat"
"Since when?"
"Since Sandi told me it's the main cause for acne in teenage girls"
"Riiiiiiight."
"And no chicken"
"Why no chicken?"
"Because of that disease, you know the ones chickens get!"
"Chicken pox?"
"Yeah!!!"
"And no cheese because It gets all stringy and stuck in your hair"
"….Cheese…stuck in you hair..right"
"So do you want to call or should I?"
"Lets get this straight Quinn were getting a deep based pizza, with no sausage peperoni, anchovies, pineapple, ham, mushroom, chicken or cheese?"
"That sounds good"
"So were having a pizza base with tomato sauce"
"Ummmm…"
"Didn't mom leave something for dinner?"
After that refreshing conversation with Quinn I decided to start on my homework, a short explanation of my family.
Well in my family there my sister Quinn, and my parents, Jake and Helen.
Quinn is a popular, upbeat, apparently attractive (I don't see it myself) teenager who is vice president of the fashion club.
Apparently Quinn is a "people person" what that means, I will never know. Basically Quinn and I are opposites and if
anyone ever tells you that opposites attract they have obviously never been outside of their cage.
My dad is an overstressed marketing consultant, and together they believe the positive parenting is the way to go, which is possibly why Quinn is so screwed up, my mom is a workaholic lawyer who once told me "As long as theirs a will theirs a way"
After my homework I decided to go to bed, as I drifted off to the sounds of
"But mooom!"
"No Quinn, you cannot have $6000 to fix your nose, theirs nothing wrong with it"
"Remember that time Daria was pushing me on the swing and…"
Just another night in the Morgendorffer's.