IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
A collaborative effort
Between TacomaSquall and Astarte
All through childhood
Nobody wanted me,
No one seemed to care
Whether I lived or died.
Orphaned so early –
Growing up without
A mother or father,
Without any siblings.
My childhood is empty. Now that I remember my past, I realize that there never was anything to remember in the first place. Sad really, I find that I'm not that different than you, Squall. I was one lost soul in a huge world that didn't care about me. I was invisible and unimportant, some dead couple's kid.
My parents, I barely remember them. I seem to recall hazy faceless grownups, a hug, a kiss, a bloodcurdling scream. I remember flames and gunfire, red stickiness and dead weight. My earliest memories are too painful, the rest were hollow and worthless. I was there, I think, I must have seen my parents die, too small I guess to understand what was happening.
I was alone. I didn't have anyone left to remember that I had ever existed. I could have died with my parents and nobody would have noticed. Would my gravestone have said "Some dead kid…" or would it have had 'Seifer Almasy, beloved son of…" carved into it? Whenever that thought creeps up, I feel a horrible ache in my chest, that nagging belief in the former and not the latter. Yet, what I do remember makes me think that my parents, my mother, my father, died to save my life. At the least, two people in the world felt that I counted for something.
I swore long, long ago that I would not remain 'some kid'. I would be the Hero, I would never be a nobody. No one would ever be allowed to look through me again.
Raised in an orphanage
With bright Quistis,
And cute little Selphie,
And fraidy-cat Zell.
I was always there,
The only times they noticed,
The only attention they paid –
Was when I misbehaved.
The orphanage wasn't so bad. It had other kids like me, all orphans of war. A select group that I tried to make my own, trying desperately to recreate something of what I had lost. There were the girls that were replacements for the sisters that I had lost, or perhaps had never had. Irvine was like a combination of brother and thorn in my side; he kept trying to steal Selphie from me.
Then there was Zell. He was my favorite entertainment. He practically reeked of vulnerability, something I detest. His defenselessness made me angry, resentful even, and it became something of a sport to make his life miserable. I could punish his weakness where I was unable to punish my own. He hated me for it and I'll bet that he still does. Even now, with the best of intentions, I can't tell him that I'm sorry. One look brings back the old feelings, the old need to punish him for my own inability to do …some thing… way back then amid the screaming and the blood.
I still felt invisible, this terrible dread that people could walk through me, and it made me act out even more. I could not endure invisibility, not even for a brief moment. I would be seen no matter what the cost. Matron was my constant reward for my misbehaviour. Even as a child, I was desperately in love with her, she was my everything, my world. She had so many children to care for that despite her best intentions, some would get overlooked. I knew how to keep her undivided attention. I craved it.
Finally, there was Ellone. We all called her 'sis' but she was more like our mother. She was bright and cheerful and wise and everything else a little kid could want. Oh, how I adored her. I only had one competitor for her adoration, someone who monopolized all her attention. You.
You were there, too,
A wall toward the others –
The disdain you felt
Obvious in your manner.
You were like me,
But they paid attention
To you
Though you needed them not.
Squall Leonheart, you had possession of Ellone. What was she to you? I never knew, except that you came together. You followed her around like a puppy dog, something that both amused and aggravated me. She was forever half-dragging, half-carrying you about like a rag doll. You didn't mind the rough affection, you actually seemed to thrive on it. Picking her flowers, telling her stories, or planting wet childhood kisses on her, you were always just a hug away. As matron was the center of my world, Ellone was the center of yours. I already knew that worlds get torn away. Eventually so did you.
You became a living stone after she left, surrounded by walls too high for anyone to penetrate. Cold and aloof, you just gave up after she vanished. The others tried to involve you, make you join in their games, but you couldn't care less. You had lost the one thing that made you feel complete. I understood that pain even if I couldn't understand your response to it. You wanted to become invisible, where I wanted to be like a shining beacon. You wanted to be alone, where I needed to be surrounded by others. I still don't understand why you want to disappear when you should be forcing everyone to acknowledge your existence. Why wallow in helplessness?
It was so ironic. Everything that I desired, you had. Everything I had, you desired. It tied us together like strange brothers. What was it that drew everyone to you? I couldn't understand back then and it made me angry, more defiant and disobedient. Now I realize that your very inability to care drew them, like healers trying to fix an injury. It still annoys the heck out of me, watching gorgeous women throw themselves at you only to limp away, rebuffed. Still they come back, lapping up your indifference. I don't know which angers me more, your stupidity, or theirs.
I knew I had to
Prove myself better
Than you.
I'd show them all.
The years went by,
The orphanage
Became three Gardens.
I had nowhere else.
It became my goal, my driving need, to achieve what had been handed to you. I wanted that attention, that obsessive interest that always followed you wherever you went. I began to push myself and everyone else around me, trying to show them all that you weren't so special. What drove me mad was the burning truth that you were. So, I too, became just another obsessive follower of Squall Leonheart. I began to dream of seeing you fallen in defeat, broken.
When Matron sent you to the Garden, it was the one place I needed to go. I begged her and pleaded. In the end, she let me go because we both knew that there was no other place for me. The anonymity of the orphanage had become unbearable to someone who needed to shine. I was determined to best you so when I heard that you wanted to be a gunblade specialist, that was my choice too. I would defeat you on your own chosen terms. It became my goal in life to show you that I was better, that I was deserving of all that attention. You who had squandered all those years of admiration, would become the nonentity that you so desired while I, the knight-to-be, would bask in the adoration of millions.
As the years passed,
Always you were there –
Never conceding to me.
Us both, driven to excel.
Sooner or later
This will be settled.
Squall, my rival –
My best friend.
But you weren't one to easily bow down in defeat. You were more like a fortress, unyielding and undefeatable, than a mere stone. Natural skill made you the master of everything you set your mind to. Uncompromising ethics made you strive to be the best because that was what was expected of you. As always I was there, your shadow, your reflection, as we strode neck and neck towards the same goal. Your stubborn refusal to give way to me, to acknowledge that I was the greater of us, always pushed me further in my attempts to show you who was best.
One day, soon I think, we will arrive at a point where our competition will have to end. It can't go on forever, this must be settled between us. Are you my friend? You would be if I could let you, if you could let yourself. There is only room for one of us at the top, though. It has to be me. I will do whatever I have to in order to get there. Even if it means killing you.
My enemy. My rival. My friend.
Fin.
Author's Note: Full credit goes to Tacoma Squall. He wrote the lovely poetry for this piece. :)