Behind Closed Doors

The truth of the matter is, James and Sirius were in love. Then where did Harry come from, you ask? Well, that was just a small mishap that occurred when James had a little heterosexual fling with that hot redhead chick in his year.

James of course, then had to marry Lily. Could you imagine the scandal that would erupt if it came out that James Potter, son of the Minister of Magic himself, was actually gay and had yet fathered a child with a hapless Muggle-born girl? Lily and James agreed to make special arrangements regarding their newly married life- it was after all, merely a marriage of convenience.

Lily had never really loved James. She was desperately in love with his friend Remus. But unfortunately Remus refused to boink his girlfriend, as there was the unfortunate risk of werecubs. So Lily turned to her good friend James to 'relieve' her. It was to be a non-committal shag, they were both in relationships and James was gay, for Circe's sake. Unfortunately James little swimmers had hit their rather inconvenient mark.

James and Lily had a beautiful wedding. Lily was resplendent in her traditional white Muggle-style wedding gown, and James was dapper and dashing in his brand new formal robes. Remus sulked- he wasn't very happy with the 'arrangements'. Sirius laughed a lot though, because he knew that he wouldn't be left out of the wedding night boinking. Arrangements and all. Remus soon got wind that he wouldn't be left out as well, and did his famous booty dance getting jiggy with the wedding singer Kinki Carrot.

Peter just got drunk and kissed Petunia, poor guy.

James and Lily moved into Godric's Hollow, a beautiful little cottage on the outskirts of Wales. They lived together happily, as far as the rest of the world was concerned. When Harry was born there was great rejoicing. James' father distributed Chocolate Frogs to all of the Ministry Members. Sirius Black was made Harry's Godfather, and Peter Pettigrew was made Harry's Godmother. People were slightly confused at these 'arrangements', but James thoughtfully put them at unease by explaining that Peter was a transsexual with a bestiality fetish.

During the day, James played Quidditch for England. Lily stayed home and cooed over Harry. Everything was as it should have been. At night, the 'arrangements' came into place. James would spend the night at the flat Sirius shared with Peter, and Remus would come over to Godric's Hollow. The two mates would slap each other on the back as they passed one another.

Peter was the only one who had serious issues with the 'arrangements'. The poor guy worked hard all day being Voldemort's minion, and when he got home he just wanted to go to sleep. But the boinking sounds from the bedroom next to his never really allowed him to. Peter often pondered on the fact of how James seemed to never be satisfied. One would think that days of jerking off on broomsticks would be any pouffe's dream job.

One dark and gloomy night in September, Peter decided that he couldn't stand it anymore. He needed his sleep, dammit! So he threw aside his covers, kicked open the door, marched to the room next to his and pounded on the door with all his might.

"Oi!" he yelled. "Shut the hell up!"

Maybe he wasn't loud enough. Sirius just let out a very loud whoop and James giggled "Oh we're very tickly today, aren't we Mister Schnookums?"

Peter turned vaguely green.

"OI!!!" he tried again. "I'm going to go throw myself under the Knight Bus right now, so that I can at least get some sleep at St. Mungo's! I HOPE YOU TWO HAVE A NICE LIFE!"

There wasn't any response except for the bed creaking a lot more. Then Sirius's voice came muffled through the door. "All right Peter, don't wait up."

Furious, irate, snubbed, humiliated, overlooked, inconsequentialised and bloody pissed, Peter gnashed his teeth in frustration, tucked his pillow under his arm, and walked out of the flat in his cowboy pajamas.

He apparated outside Godric's Hollow, hoping that at least he could seek refuge with his good, sweet, kind, luffable, loyal, non-adulteress friend Lily who would most certainly help him out in his time of great stress. Obviously poor Peter hadn't known that the arrangements were two-way.

He paused and raised his hand to knock on the door, but heard unearthly howls coming from inside the Hollow. "Remus?" Peter thought. "But tonight isn't a full moon!"

At that moment, it was Lily's turn to giggle and croon, "Roll over, Mister Wolfy-Boy."

Peter burst into tears.

(Apparently Lily and Remus had decided : "What the hell, contraceptive charms weren't invented by leagues of fanfic writers for nothing you know!")

Right on cue, the heavens opened up an rain splashed down on poor Peter, soaking his cowboy pajamas and pillow. Deciding that he might as well get the hell inside, he dropped his pillow, transfigured himself into Wormtail, and scurried in through a crack on the door.

And PoorWet!Peter became Voyeur!Wormtail and all was peaceful with the world for a minute or so.

James and Sirius had meanwhile realised that Peter was, well, mad at them, to put it lightly. Shocked and appalled that they had slighted a dear friend, they immediately realised the need to apologise profusely to poor Peter, and apparated into Godric's Hollow.

Maybe they felt that they could express their sincerity better by apologising in practically  their birthday suits, but this story would have been a hell of a lot less crazy if they had remembered to put a few more clothes on.

Displaying a remarkable lack of navigation sense, James and Sirius landed right on top of Lily and Remus. Already geared up to apologise, they made several flamboyant gestures to convey their remorse while making no move to disentangle themselves. But before things could get even more interesting, Peter snapped. He was already fed-up with voyeuring (if Remus rolled over one more time he'd vomit due to dizziness) and was sick and tired of his pathetic, irresponsible, horny, so-called friends apparating into other people's homes practically nude and initiating orgies without even extending him an invite.

He transfigured back into his human form and told them so. "I'm sick and tired of you pathetic, irresponsible, horny, so-called friends apparating into other people's homes practically nude and initiating orgies without even extending me an invite!"

Pause.

"And James, those are MY tighty-whiteys!" he shrieked in frustration.

MPP/L were very ashamed indeed. They had been guilty in neglecting their friend. They gave him chocolate ice-cream in a bowl, hoping to appease him. Peter wanted to do more… innovative things with the ice-cream, but suddenly no one seemed to be in the mood.

Harry, the stalwart little toddler who had mastered the art of sleeping through midnight boinks (Peter was passionately jealous of him because of that), woke up suddenly because of the smell of chocolate ice-cream. He protested this unfairness loudly. To shut him up, Lily gave him a bowl of ice-cream as well. Harry threw it at Peter.

The Marauders laughed loudly at this. Peter, once again slighted and insulted, became consumed with anger, rage, fury, and hate, and was still bloody pissed about not having any underwear left thanks to James.

We could end the story at this point, but seeing how this fic doesn't fall into the 'angst' category, we must end it in the proper way that is


So James and Lily smooch Harry and dance around the living room, Remus and Sirius declare their eternal, undying love for each other, and Peter is conveniently deported to Spain, where Severus is of course waiting to boink him.

THE END, MAYBE.