Hey! It's 9 minutes to Christmas in my time, and this story was kind of supposed to be completed by then. Oh well. I'll ty harder next time. If ever.

Originally a one-shot, until my imagination got out of hand and it had chapters that exceeded 1.

This story is dedicated to my myserious Beta Reader, Lord Kelvin, who reminded me of Artemis Fowl th first time we...um...conversed.

Merry Christmas everyone! And have a happy new year.

Artemis Fowl was bored. It was as simple as that. Or maybe not.

It was such a frighteningly rare occasion that the heir to the Fowl empire be bored that Butler was, well, frightened. Butler was Artemis's bodyguard, and did not make it a habit of being frightened. As it was, he was probably more shocked—and worried—than scared, though he didn't show it.

Butler didn't make it a habit of being emotional or showing expressions on his face, either.

Artemis took a sip of Earl Grey, set the teacup down, and got up to pace the room. The newspaper he had been browsing for the third time fell from his lap to the carpeted floor of the study.

"I'm bored, Butler," he stated, a little obviously. His hands were behind his back, his figure framed by the bay window. His face was drawn. Usually, if all else failed, Artemis had his thoughts and schemes and plots to contend himself with. But ever since Holly Short the LEPrecon Captain—and his mother, to be honest—guilt-tripped him into rethinking his morals, Artemis felt obliged to be good. And not being able to plan dastardly deeds severely limited his things to do, at least in Artemis's opinion.

Aside from reading the newspaper thrice, Artemis had also skimmed through his collection of classic literature, psychology novels—this was very unusual, as Artemis had a photographic memory and never had to read anything twice—played at least twenty of his own piano compositions—twenty-three, actually, but who's counting?—and checked his bank accounts several times. And he was bored out of his mind.

In his entire extraordinary life, this had to be the most mundane day ever.

"Butler," he said, staring at the white clouds scudding across the sky that were rapidly turning gray, and the cerulean blue sky that was quickly being eaten up by the gray, and rolled his eyes.

"Get me a line to Holly," he said.

"Holly?" the giant manservant asked, confused.

"Yes, Holly," Artemis snapped impatiently. "The fairy elf: short, red hair, even shorter temper. Surely you remember her?" Artemis raised a thin eyebrow, knowing he was being unfair and irrational, but he was just so bored. Restless. His fingers twitched.

Butler nodded, acquiescing to Artemis's strange demand instantly. He was used to that.

"And another line to Police Plaza as well," he murmured, turning back to observe the scenery outside.

Butler paused at the door, looking like he was about to object, but seemed to decide against it. All he said was, "Yes, Master Artemis. But Holly was still on a recon mission the last time we checked, and—,"

Artemis didn't give him a chance to finish. "Holly should be done by now. She's the best and brightest. An hour is more than enough time for her to complete a simple mission."

Butler disappeared, the door sliding close. 10 minutes later, the door opened again, and Butler strode in. "Foaly says Holly's still occupied at the moment, but he'll pass on the message the instant she gets back." Foaly was a centaur, and the technical genius of the LEP—Lower Elements Police.

Artemis sighed in exasperation. Was there really nothing to do at all? What with Mother and Father off to Venice with the twins, Juliet doing her semi-finals for some pro-wrestling competition, and Holly back in recon. Even Mulch Diggums, that old reprobate, was somewhere in Boston, doing a little black market business of his own. He drummed his fingers into his arm and poised himself on the armrest, muttering, "If Minerva were here, she and I would have a nice long chat about the history of history."

He exhaled in a huff, just as invisible hands covered his eyes, and a voice in his ear whispered, "Boo!" just loud enough to make him start.

And start Artemis did. He nearly fell off his armrest, but quickly becoming visible hands grabbed him in time to save his Armani suit from becoming crumpled. Thank goodness.

"Holly!" he exclaimed happily. His dark blue eyes danced with mirth; contacts, Holly was certain. One of his eyes was actually hazel brown, like hers.

"First time I must have startled you, Mud Boy." She grinned.

Artemis sniffed, merriment replaced by his competitiveness instantly. "I saw you, Holly. Or rather, I heard you. You were buzzing right beside my ear," he lied perfectly through his flashing teeth.

Holly could pick up an Artemis lie from a mile away. "Liar," she declared. "Otherwise you wouldn't have fallen of your chair."

"I did not fall off. That was an acci—" Holly pressed two fingers to his lips, knowing that Artemis knew that she knew that he knew full well that he did not fall off only because she caught him.

"Shh. The great Artemis Fowl doesn't cause accidents."

Artemis arched an eyebrow. "Your proof?"

Dang, the ace in the whole. "I just know."

"Just knowing doesn't qualify as evidence, Holly. You should know that." He sounded smug, and Holly threw herself onto the chair, scowling.

"And what's all that talk about Minerva?" Her voice soured further. "Explain yourself."

"I don't have to explain myself. Butler does, however." Butler glanced at Artemis while he poured tea. "Butler, why didn't you tell me Holly was here?"

Butler shrugged his massive shoulders. "She wanted to surprise you. Was I supposed to stop her?"

"Yes. I dislike being surprised, because the most surprises come from people trying to kill me."

Butler acknowledged the point, and returned back to the tea.

"So," Holly said, stretching like a cat on the sofa. "What's this huge important urgent meeting that made you have to call me in the middle of a mission?"

Artemis looked down. "I was bored," he mumbled.

Holly looked up in surprise. "Bored? That's what this is about? You're the least person in the world who should be bored."

"I know. I'm just bored." He met her mismatched eyes. "What do people do when they're bored?"

"Oh, you mean normal people, or geniuses?" She sounded irritated. It was difficult to get a visa above land, in the middle of the day too.

"Both," Artemis looked distant. "Minerva would've known what to do."

Holly glared at him from under her auburn fringe.

"Fine." She positioned herself on the back of the chair, wings and eyes closed. At last, she opened them and smiled.

"You have an idea!" Artemis said, pleased.

"Yes," she smirked. "We're going to organize a Christmas party."