I have writers block so bad! So, I'm hoping writing this will help me. I'm not sure if it should be left as a standalone or I should continue it. So please review and let me know what you think!

Enjoy!

Maybe

What's the point of living if there is nothing to live for?

How selfish does that sound? Anyone who knows me will say I have a lot to live for; caring family, brilliant friends, a nice warm place to live, plenty of food and warm clothing…. There is more then enough people who can only dream of that…. So why do I want more? I should be happy and grateful for what I have, right? Well I should be anyway….

See, the thing is I've always believed that as I got older things would get more exciting, more challenging but I guess life doesn't always work out like that. I got 'set in my ways.' I'd hang out with my friends…I loved them all, they were like family too me…and I'd go to work…I loved my job…. But that all started to change when my friends change, well I guess they didn't change exactly, they just moved on, grew up.

First Chandler and Monica decided they wanted a family and I knew as soon as Chandler said 'okay' that day when we were in the hospital for Emma's birth, that things would be different. Chandler's been my best friend for 10 years, I knew what he wanted…even when he was so scared of commitment, I knew deep down he wanted to have a family, a house with a big back yard and a dog…(okay, he might be scared of dogs but he'll eventually give in to Monica) …I know that's what he's been saving up for all these years, way before he fell in love with Monica. I've always known that he wanted the family that he never had; now he's got that with, Monica, Jack and Erica…

Phoebe was the next one to move on, no one ever thought she'd to the stereotypical 'Soccer Mom' but underneath all that weird hippy stuff she really is. Everyone was surprised when she turned down quirky scientist dude, David to be with normal, musician Mike but by just looking at them you can tell they just fit. When they got married, I guessed that was the end of our special group. For nearly ten years it has just been the six of us…sure we've all had serious relationships but no one else came close to join our group…. But now its not just the six of us…. it's the six of us and Phoebe's husband…. Don't get me wrong, I like Mike, I think he's a great guy and I'm happy for him and Phoebe… it's just now its changed things….

For ten years, everyone's been wondering about Ross and Rachel's relationship…will they…won't they…will they…won't they…. Well, they have! After falling in love, a copy shop girl, a disastrous London wedding, a marriage in Les Vegas, an another divorce and a beautiful baby girl; they decided to stop messing around and get on with it. They're finally happy together but I still wonder what could have been if it wasn't for Ross…would Rachel and I been able to work together? We both agreed we're better of as friends but still deep down I feel jealousy towards one of my best friend because he won her heart all those years ago and never gave it back, leaving no else a chance with her…but I guess that how things are meant to be…. they're meant for each other…Or as Phoebe would say…they're lobsters.

Ever since that day Rachel and Ross got back together, Phoebe and Mike decided to have a family and Monica and Chandler moved…I've pretended I was okay with all the changes, that I was happy for them all…well I was happy but I was sad too…sad that things would never be the same again. For the first month it was easy, I just throw myself into my work… but I began to find that boring…the job I loved…maybe I had been listening to Chandler to much lately, maybe he had managed to convince me somehow that change is good…I decided that if everyone else was going to move on then so I was… I quit 'Days Of Our Lives'…probably should have thought it through first. It wasn't long ago my agent, Estelle died and I still hadn't gotten around to finding a new one…so I was jobless and friendless. Although things started to look up… I think Chandler noticed how unhappy I was and helped me find a new agent between work and spending time with Monica and the kids. Some things might have changed but I should have known I could always rely on my best friend. I eventually found a new agent, Bobby but she's based in Hollywood and has advised me that if I wanted to become a big star then I should move to LA…She's already got two shows lined up for me. Can I really leave this life behind?

So, that's how things changed…that's how I'm sitting here, watching a Knicks again alone. Ross and Rachel are celebrating their 3-month anniversary…Phoebe and Mike are trying for a baby and Chandler and Monica are busy taking care of the twins.

I want to move on and experience new things yet I'm still clinging onto the past, the one thing I so desperately want to out grow like everyone else has but that's the one thing I can't seem to let go of. Is it out of fear? Maybe…Maybe I'm scared that if I let go then it would make all the changes so permanent…I don't want things to change, I want things to go back to how they were. Maybe I don't want all my exceptions in life to be ruined…What if everything I dreamed of doesn't work out? That's what a dream is, right…a dream, a fantasy…is it childish to want to keep hold of that dream? To do anything to believe that reality is the dream and the phrase 'nothing is perfect' is just a myth…. Or is it adult to realise that no matter how long you sit and mentally plan your whiter then white future, you really know deep down it's never going to happen.

Maybe that's it…maybe…maybe…. Maybe…

When did life become just a big maybe?

Please review and let me know what you think!