Disclaimer: You know how it goes. Fushigi Yuugi doesn't belong to me, neither do the characters.
Summary: Nuriko can't stand the pain of loving Hotohori anymore and tries to kill himself. But much to his surprise there is another one who knows the same pain.
AN/Warnings: This is my second fanfiction I dare to show other people. I hope there are not too many mistakes because I am not a native English speaker. This story is probably AU and there will be shounen ai between Tasuki and Nuriko. Oh, and it's Nuriko's POV, as you will see. I think that's it and please tell me what you think - constructive criticism is always welcome.
Can You Feel Like I Do
I was lying on my bed, like I did every night. The more days passed, the more hopeless I became - if that was even possible. Every night there was only one question in my mind: Why can't he love me? Unconsciously, I knew the answer but I didn't want to admit it, I just hoped that one day, he would notice me. But since that, nearly two years had passed and the only one he ever loved was the Suzaku no Miko, Miaka. And I can't stand it anymore. I thought this over a thousand times, but today I was sure: I would end my life here and now. I was sure that no one would come, anyway, because who would think that the strong and always cheerful Nuriko would kill himself? I snorted. They were going to be surprised if they found me the next morning. They would probably ask why, and maybe notice that they did know nothing about my realf self at all.
I rose from my bed, slowly walking to the table where the thing lay that would end my misery. I took the knife into my hands. The sharp metal felt cold, like my body would in the next few hours. But it didn't bother me. I had, indeed, nothing to live for anymore. With one swift move, I slit my wrist and allowed myself to sank to my knees. So, this was the life of the courageous Suzaku Shichiseishi Nuriko. How pitiful.
I felt myself weaken more and more and lay fully onto the floor. It was just then when someone shook me fierce and cursed.
"Damn ya! What the hell happend ta you?"
I heard the voice, but at first couldn't figure out who it was. The sounds were all so far away from me and I felt sort of dazed. I didn't feel the wound in my wrist either, I felt nearly empty. I tried to focus on the voice and when I made out some more curses I knew it could only be Tasuki. I smiled weakly. I knew he would be angry but I couldn't take it anymore. My pain was nearly unbearable and I was simply not that strong. I know everyone thought I was, but they don't know me, they know nothing about my real self. How could they if even I didn't know?
"I ain't let ya die! I'm gonna get Mitsukake!" I've never heard Tasuki that worried before, but I didn't care at all. Mitsukake wouldn't make it in time. Why did Tasuki even care? They all pretended to be my friends, my fellow warriors, but it is all just a lie. No one really cares about me, no one understands me. I am sick of being teased about my feelings for Hotohori-sama. He loves Miaka but she doesn't love him. I love him and he doesn't love me - it hurts me as much as him! But why am I the one they make fun of? Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been born. I want to die. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to be with Kourin again.
Suddenly I heard a sound near the door and quick steps coming near me. No! He can't be back already! But when I heard Mitsukake's calm voice I forced my eyes open. My vision was blurred, though, but I saw him kneeling right in front of me, Tasuki on the other side. The doctor gently took my hand into his and then I felt the sensation of his healing powers. The power flooded trough my veins, stopping my bleeding and preventing me from dying. I was alive. I had been saved.
"He's going to be okay, if he rests.. and does not try to do something stupid again!" Mitsukake stated. I still wondered why they cared if I lived or died. Mitsukake, in the meantime, was on his feet again. "Tasuki, would you mind to have a look after him? He may feel a bit weak because he had lost so much blood already.. but make sure he rests and does not strain himself." With those words he left the room, leaving only me and Tasuki. I tried to rise, because I was still lying on the floor. I felt dizzy and I think my arms would have given out if it were not for Tasuki, who wrapped his strong arms around me and steadied me. My vision was fading but before darkness could overcome me, I thought it felt nice to be held like this.
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I moaned when I felt waking up. The sunlight seemed so bright and I opened my eyes only half. It was already morning and I still felt a bit weak, but more like I had slept a very long time. I was bothered by the sunlight, somehow - it was such a contrast to me: bright, sunny, friendly, almost happy. That were feelings I felt none of at the moment.
"Nuriko?"
That was Tasuki's voice! I forced my eyes the whole way open and was startled when I found myself in Tasuki's arms. I was seated in his lap, sitting on my bed, one of his arms supporting my head, the other one circled around my waist. I couldn't help myself but blush in this, somehow, weird position.
"You're... you're still here?" I asked, unsure if this was a dream. Had he been with me all night?
He snorted. "Did you think I would leave ya alone, after what happened last night? And now the hell tell me what happened! Ya scared the shit outta me, ya know!"
Somehow, I felt myself getting angry. I knew I couldn't blame him, knew he wouldn't understand my reasons, but I wanted so badly for someone to understand. And why not him, since he found me in the first place, anyway. I had to get it out.
"I... I can't stand it anymore! Everyone is always teasing me about my feelings for Hotohori-sama and they never notice how much it hurts me! I tried to forget him, to stop loving him, but it's not that easy, so I decided it would be best if I weren't here anymore! I'm just a burden and no one really understands me. I don't have anything to live for and I don't want to suffer any longer." I felt the tears built in my eyes but didn't heed them. I've never spoken to anyone about my pain and now it all came out and even if I wanted, I couldn't stop speaking anymore.
"And just when I had enough courage to end my life you came and saved me! It's just not fair...Why didn't you let me die?" I sobbed.
Instead of answering, Tasuki just embraced me more tightly. I was confused, but somehow felt relieved that I told him about my feelings and I clutched onto him, letting my tears flow freely and crying all my pain out on his shoulder.
Tasuki began rocking me, like a little child in the arms of its mother and the first time in my life I felt warm and comfortable and protected. But I was afraid to let him go, to be alone again, to see disgust in his eyes for something like me and anger that I clutched onto him for so long. I knew I should let go of him, knew he hadn't had the time to care about me all day, but I just wanted to be held like this for a bit longer, because it was the first time someone embraced me that loving, that caring. But then I told myself that I wasn't a baby, that I could handle this, like I always did. I tried to shift and to back away from him - and was startled when he wouldn't let me.
"...Tasuki...?! Would you.. let go of me, please?" What he said instead surprised me.
"How dare ya do such a shit! How dare ya tried ta leave me..." his words were very quiet, leaving me wondering.. what did he mean? I was getting more and more confused. "What... what do you mean?"
He took a deep breath. "I wanted ta tell ya... but I didn't have the courage an' I knew ya still loved Hotohori... so it was pointless, anyway. But when I saw ya might die.. I was afraid I would lose ya forever an' never havin' told ya 'bout my real feelings for you..."
What? He couldn't mean...? No, that was impossible. No one loved me, it had always been like this and I never expected it to change. Maybe I misunderstood him, maybe he just wanted to make me feel better.
"Tasuki, what are you talking about?"
He gripped at my shoulders and pushed me away from him, so he could look into my eyes, which were still glistening with tears. "Are ya really that oblivious? I simply... love you."