Fear is a funny, funny little thing. It makes our heads say 'Run, you idiot!' but our legs stuck like glue. It makes our hearts thud in our chests until it feels like they'll burst. It's what makes me sweat no matter how cold it is outside, the thing that mocks me and stabs at my pride. It makes my fingers tremble, another reason I'm thankful for my gloves. But fear also makes me think, it makes me just want to lie down and recollect my thoughts about why I am afraid and how to solve the problem. But when you're in a fight, you're pinned against a wall streaked with your own blood, there ain't exactly time to just lie down and think. It's fight or flight, and I choose fight.
I've been dreaming for
So long
To find the meaning
To understand…
I'm sorry; it was a bit random of me to start with my fears. I just needed to rant about how frickin' scared I am right now. I mean, it's not like I can admit it aloud! Rarely even Alphonse knows when I'm afraid, and that's saying something there. I've been through a lot of fights, I've been banged up, chewed up, spit out, cast out on the road to die. But I didn't. And I don't intend to! Before, my excuse used to be 'I'm not dying until Al has his body back' but now that his body is flesh and blood again, I need to live because Al has his body back. It was weakened at the Gate, sitting there for so long, and the poor kid can hardly walk down a flight of stairs without feeling faint. So I've been taking on the dangers we have to face, shouldering the responsibilities we're supposed to share. But even if I tell my little brother that I'm sharing the burden, I'm really smuggling more onto my back at the same time. I don't want him to worry for nothing; he has enough on his mind. And so, that's how I came to be in this pretty little pickle.
The secret of Life
Why am I here
To try again?
About that little fear thing from before, it's pretty easy to figure out why I'm scared. I mean, I'm fighting for my damn life here! But it's not just because of that, it's not just because of the sweat trickling down my cheek or the blood dripping down my shoulder from a gash, it's not just the fact that my legs feel like Jell-O, it's the person I'm up against, the person who's tormenting me: Scar. And that my friends, brings us to why I'm fighting like this. It's a long story, but to sum it all up in a cute little description, the guy hates my guts. Hates 'em. He must, seeing as how he tries to blow my head off my shoulders every time we make eye contact! In my opinion, the guy's kinda off, but I think that about just about everyone around me, so it's not surprise. I'm surrounded by loons sometimes. And this just happened to be one of those random coincidences that seem to spite me at every turn. He just happened to know where I was, and just happened to attack me, and I just happened to fight back. But I also just so happened to be getting my royal ass kicked, and badly at that. This guy was tougher than I remembered. And in spite of everything I believed in, no matter how much I hated the military's prejudice, I couldn't help think: Damn Ishbalan. And shame washed over me, but unfortunately left the fear on the shore. Thanks a whole lot, Fate.
Will I always
Will you always
See the Truth when it
Stares ya in the face?
That dreaded hand of his made a lunge at my head and with a quiet grunt of pain, I ducked down, quickly rolling out of the way. But we both knew I couldn't dodge forever; the steadily dripping wound to my shoulder was proof of that. My stamina was running low, and all I could think of was 'Get your scrawny butt in gear or you're screwed!! DO IT!!' And there's the irony of that whole fear thing again, the fact that it won't let you 'get your scrawny butt in gear'. So I'm stuck there, staring up at him with wide eyes as the tan silhouette approaches me. He's not smirking like I usually do when I think I've won. Now that I think of it, I don't recall any emotion on that guy's face except shock and anger. What a joyous man. And yet I still felt a pang of sympathy for him. It must really suck, I thought, to have your people killed before you and your brother sacrifice his arm for you—and then it hit me: I had done that for Alphonse. In both of our cases, the elder brother had sacrificed for the younger. But in Scar's case, his brother didn't live to tell the tale of it, and looking back, I was lucky I had. I could have easily died that night, and then Alphonse would have too. I didn't mean to, but I yelped in surprise as Scar lashed out at me again. Thinking fast, I pretty much head-butted the guy in the stomach, but except for an 'oof!' of surprise, there was no reaction. That is not the way to get my enthusiasm up.
Will I ever
Will I never
Free myself by
Breaking these chains?
Hastily, I clapped my hands together, waving my left hand over my right arm, creating that little blade that I seemed to fancy so much. I wasn't sure why I liked it so much, maybe it was just because it was my first alchemy attempt after the accident, but I think more than anything, it just made me feel safe to have a weapon so close to me all the time. I lashed out, but Scar jumped back. Damn, he was agile! He glared down at me calmly, and all I could think of, besides how totally frickin' screwed over I was at the moment, was that he was so much taller than me!! It's because I'm on the ground, I thought defensively. Plus, he's just tall!
"If you want to defeat me—"
"--I have t' aim to kill, right?" I finished wearily. "Save me the lecture!" I snapped, lunging at him again.
Give my heart
Give my soul
I turn it back,
It's my fault
Slash after slash; punch after punch, Scar hardly wore down. He had much more stamina than me, apparently. He must be training a lot, even when he's wounded, I thought. And in the back of my head, I could almost hear Alphonse's teasing voice "Doesn't that remind you of someone, Brother? A certain someone we know?" And I would laugh and say "Yeah, wonder who that could be!" But this was no time for laughter. I screamed in pain as his huge, strong fist collided with my side. I heard a rib crack, and it may have been my imagination, but I could've sworn that I felt it, too, the feel of that bone just snapping inside of me. I whimpered in pain. I hate this! All of it! The fear I feel that holds me back, the wounds that hinder my path, and all this goddamn fighting! I want it to end! But as long as Alphonse is safe…My vision blurred and darkened as I slumped against the wall. If Al's safe…then I'm happy…
Your destiny is forlorn
Have to live till it's undone
Give my heart
Give my soul
I turn it back,
And then at last I'll be
On my way
It wasn't until morning that someone actually found me, unconscious, blood all around me, my limp hand by my stomach. Even when I opened my eyes to see a white room, my side still ached. It was bandaged, I had noticed, and I felt nauseous. The doctor's said that it was probably an after-effect of exerting myself too much, and they said that if I had to chuck it, they had a bucket by me. Whoop-dee-flippin-doo. That was the least of my worries. The only faces I saw around me were Winry's and Mustang's.
"Where's Al?" I had asked anxiously, my eyes flitting from Winry's face to even that bastard Colonel's, and no one responded. I noticed Winry had tears in her eyes. "Tell me!" I shouted desperately, my throat choked with the effort of not crying myself. I knew what they were trying to tell me, but I didn't want to believe it, and Mustang only confirmed it. Winry had been too busy sobbing to tell me. After I had been knocked out, someone had been coming near apparently, and Scar had fled the scene. But in his anger, he took it out on my little brother. My heart clenched. Alphonse had been helpless, and they had found his body, or what was left of it, in the hotel room we were staying at that night. "Oh God…" I whispered, and I hate to admit it, but I lost it right there. I pulled my legs up to my chin, wrapped my arms around them and sobbed horribly. The last time I had cried this badly was when I had just escaped Barry the Chopper. And eventually Winry came over and wrapped and arm around my trembling shoulders, and we both wept for the loss of Alphonse Elric. Never again would I see that smiling face that we had worked so hard to get back. Never again would I hear him say my name, or even to scold me. "Brother…!" Nothing…Fears are everywhere. All of my worst ones keep coming true…
I've seen the horrors
Seen the wonders
Happen just in front of my eyes
Will I ever
Will I never
Free myself by making it right?
Give my heart
Give my soul
I turn it back,
It's my fault
Your destiny is forlorn
Have to live till it's undone
Our dream ended long ago
All the stories
And all our glory
I held so dear
We won't be together
Forever and ever
No more tears…
I'll always be here
Till the end…