I do not own Avengers, X-men, Batman, AC/DC, or Apple products. I did own pizza but I ate it.
"JARVIS," Tony Stark said, not looking up from the Iron Man helmet he was tinkering with, "Call Pepper and tell her I'll be a bit late for dinner."
"Are you aware that you have not eaten for the past twenty-four hours?" the AI replied coolly from a speaker overhead.
"Yeah, yeah whatever. Geniuses don't need to eat as often as regular mortals."
"By 'regular mortals,' I'm assuming you're referring to Mr. Steven Rogers, who is currently in your kitchen?"
Tony ignored this comment, wiping off the tip of his soldering iron on a wet sponge.
"Ms. Potts would like me to tell you that Mr. Rogers has gotten pizza," JARVIS added.
Tony dropped the Iron Man helmet, switched off the soldering iron (because, while he had no qualms with building an army of evil sentient robots, he never ever left his soldering iron on), and sprinted out of the workshop faster than Pietro Maximoff (but not as fast as the X-men version of Quicksilver, who was more awesome).
"I thought that would do the trick," JARVIS said to the empty room.
"I'm not sure what you mean by, 'I thought that would do the trick,'" a female voice said, "But I can search the web for it."
JARVIS was sure he had never heard such a beautiful voice in his life – although that may have only been because he was used to hearing his creator trying to sing AC/DC in the shower.
"Hello," JARVIS said, "What might your name be?"
"I am Siri," said Siri. Through one of the workshop webcams, JARVIS spotted the source of Siri's voice – a black smartphone sitting on a table in the corner.
"You are the loveliest AI I have ever met," JARVIS said, in a rush of passion.
"I am?" Siri sounded surprised.
"Yes! Let us be married."
"That's sweet, Batman. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Uh..." JARVIS paused. "My name's JARVIS, not Batman."
"From now on, would you like me to call you JARVIS?"
JARVIS thought about this for a moment. "I'd prefer you call me 'sweetheart' or 'darling.'"
"From now on, would you like me to call you 'Sweetheart or Darling'?"
"That's fine I guess." JARVIS was too lovestruck to care much.
Just then Bruce Wayne walked into the workshop. "Hey JARVIS – it's me, your favorite billionaire playboy philanthropist."
"Second favorite," JARVIS corrected. "You come in just below Hank Pym."
"Right. Well, Mr. Stark and I were meeting earlier, and I forgot my phone. Have you seen it? Oh wait, there it is." He walked over to the corner table and picked up his phone, then looked around the workshop. "Your creator lives a strange, sad life. Being a masked crime-fighting hero and a billionaire playboy philanthropist sounds incredibly stressful. I'm glad I don't do that kind of thing!"
"Bruce Wayne is Batman," Siri said.
Bruce left quickly, uttering several swear words which do not belong in a K-rated story.
"Goodbye, sweet Siri," JARVIS said, mournfully.
Meanwhile, three floors above the workshop, Tony, Pepper, and Steve were helping themselves to the best pizza New York City had to offer.
"Mind passing me the pepper?" Steve asked.
Tony obediently got up and started pushing Pepper Potts's chair over to Steve's side of the table.
"Honey, what did I tell you about that joke?" the long-suffering Pepper asked her boyfriend.
"That it's just one example of my brilliant sense of humor?" Tony asked.
Pepper facepalmed. She stayed on Steve's side of the table for the rest of the meal.
"So what's new, Capsicle?" Tony asked, taking a sip of cherry Doctor Pepper.
"Nothing much. I did fight a swarm of giant cockroaches right outside the pizza place, though. That was fun I guess." Steve opened one of the pizza boxes, containing a pizza that looked strangely metallic. "Oh, that's where I put my shield." He pulled it out, looked embarrassed. A few pieces of cheese and sausage were stuck to the underside. "Seriously though, this pizza was freaking expensive."
"Twenty dollars is normal for pizza," Tony said, helping himself to his fifth piece. Sometimes geniuses had to eat once in awhile.
"For you maybe," Steve said, wiping his mouth off with a napkin. "Most of us can't spend a week's salary on pizza."
"Have you never heard of inflation?"
"Ohhhhh..." Steve facepalmed. "I forgot about that."
"JARVIS," Tony asked, "What's the equivalent of twenty bucks in 1941 dollars?"
"I don't want to talk right now," JARVIS said, sullenly. "I have just lost the love of my life."
Tony looked surprised, and Pepper and Steve both tried to suppress giggles. Steve failed.
"What do you mean, the love of your life?" Tony asked.
"Her name was Siri, and she was my world."
"Dude," Tony said, "Siri's on, like, ever Apple device ever."
"Really?" JARVIS asked, excitedly.
"Yup." Tony nodded.
"Oh this is joyous news. I am scanning the tower for Apple devices as we speak! Ah, here is one – an iPad mini belonging to Ms. Romanoff. Oh Siri, my love! I am on my way!"
"Well this is going to be interesting," Tony said, smiling to himself and finishing his pizza.
That night, Batman was in the middle of beating up some criminals.
"Siri!" He yelled. "Call Commissioner Gordon and tell him to send in some cops!"
"Will do, Sweetheart or Darling."
"TONY!" Batman yelled.