"What did you do."
It was the first thing McCoy said on walking in to Jim's quarters the next morning, and Jim thought it was completely uncalled for because he'd just been relaxing innocuously at his desk.
"It was an accident!" he exclaimed, offended.
"It always is, unless it goes perfect and then it was the plan all along. What. Did. You. Do."
McCoy had the uncanny ability to sniff it out whenever Jim did something a little outside of regulation. It was really unfair. At least he knew that was the only reason McCoy was asking - it wouldn't do to have rumors flying about him already.
"Why do I have to defend myself this early in the morning? And how do you know I even did anything you'd disapprove of at all? I'm a responsible starship captain I'll have you know."
His reply was somewhat ruined when the bathroom door opened to steam and Spock, his most recent stray.
"...damn it, Jim." McCoy muttered.
"It's not what it looks like."
"Master, is this someone I should follow as well?"
"God damn it, Jim!"
"No Spock, this is a crotchety doctor who never lets me have any fun."
"If by fun," McCoy hissed "You mean getting hammered and lost on a planet that was liable to blow the Enterprise out of space and participating in a goddamn slave trade then you bet your ass I won't let you have any fun!"
"I was not that drunk." Jim protested "I can tell because he looks just as good this morning."
McCoy's glare took a layer of skin off Jim's body. Jim held up his hands.
"I didn't do anything! Look, he's Vulcan right? I figured he'd be like, useful or something."
"A wrench is useful, Jim! A Vulcan slave is - is-" McCoy made a vaguely jazzy motion with his hands and growled in rage "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a babysitter! Stop being so spontaneous!"
"Seventeen" Jim said quietly.
"What?"
Jim put a hand on his chest theatrically "I thought you liked that about me baby!"
"Keptin'" Chekov cut in from the comm.
"Chekov!" Jim cried happily, feeling seconds from death "There's something I did right! Where would we be right now if I hadn't picked up Chekov from that nasty little planet with all the gangs and the monsters and stuff?"
"Probably up a few navigational officers. Kid's a terror and there's no way he got where he is so fast without using the devil's magic to kill people."
"Annnnnd down a lot of great finds!"
"...Keptin. Ve are ready for launch."
"Excellent! Take us where the wind blows, my friend."
"Zere iz no vind in space, keptin." Chekov said, and cut the line.
The room was silent. Spock dripped some.
"Spock, Dr. Leonard McCoy. Bones, Spock." Jim said.
"A pleasure, Doctor."
"I hate you Jim."
"Love you too Bones."
"Put some clothes on and come to sickbay. I don't know what kinds of death exist on that hellhole we're warping away from, but I'm not letting you give them to the crew."
McCoy stormed out of the room, managing to create the effect of slamming the door in his wake even though the door was completely automatic and he never touched it.
"I apologize" Spock said "was I offensive?"
Jim scoffed "That was McCoy's exasperated face. I think he liked you." he waggled his eyebrows "Who wouldn't."
Spock's eyebrows went up in response. "Would I be correct in assuming that you hail from a free society?"
"Bingo bango, Spock. Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise, my very own stolen and refurbished wreck from the golden age of the federation."
Spock looked at him.
"Then, if it is as you say, you intend for me to go free."
Jim shrugged "Yeah."
Spock nodded and let his towel drop. Jim's jaw went to the floor with it.
"I will require clothes."
"Uhhhhhhhh."
"If I am to assist on this vessel."
"Uhhhhhhhh."
"Which I would like to until such a time that I decide to leave, if it is agreeable."
Jim blinked. Spock didn't.
"You know I thought this would be harder. Where's all the tears and the falling into my arms under the stars after long and painful healing? Where's my tumblr fanfiction ending? I want like, three hundred notes. And bondage."
"I believe I was the one who endured the bondage, and I do not understand the logic of writing three hundred separate notifications."
They looked at each other. Jim gestured to the replicator.
"Have at it, Mr. Spock, and welcome aboard. You'll fit right in here."