"Life is like a Hurricane Here in Duckburg."
by Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
Hurricane Zelda (1)was heading towards Duckburg. The Weather Bureau had reported it and the Coast Guard was tracking it. The citizens of Duckburg were all preparing for it in their own fashion.
Gizmoduck was moving all of Mr. McDuck's valuables from the mansion to the Money Bin, which took even HIM quite some time. He quad-triple checked the Money Bin to make sure it was as storm-proof as possible. He checked on Mr. McDuck's other places of business, banks, factories, etc and made sure they were safe, too. Then he returned to the Money Bin for further instructions.
"I'm sorry, Gizmoduck, but you are going to have to stay by your post at the Money Bin during the storm." Mr. McDuck began.
"You fly too slowly to be much help during a storm like this (2) and wheeling there is out of the question. How could you keep your balance on a unicycle during a hurricane? Especially with all that weight on you." Mr. McDuck continued.
"But most of all, this hurricane has lightning in it(3)and with all that metal you're a living lightning rod- I don't want you to get electrocuted." finished Mr. McDuck.
"But sir- the rubber wheel on my unicycle..." Gizmoduck began.
"Won't protect you from lightning." Mr. McDuck said.
( I INTERUPT THIS STORY FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Bicycle tires will NOT, N,O,T, NOT protect you from lightning, even if they are made of rubber! And your sneakers won't, neither! Do NOT stay on your bike during a lightning storm thinking its tires will protect you because they won't! Go HOME! Get INDOORS! If necessary, ditch the bike! I now return to the story.)
"I'm sorry. This is a direct order from your boss: stay at your post at the Money Bin. Some of the Beagle Boys are on the loose and they might just be crazy enough to try to use the storm as a distraction to rob the Money Bin." Mr. McDuck said.
Meanwhile, Launchpad also had his hands full. He was delivering bottled water, emergency food supplies, generators, first-aid kits, etc. to schools that would be used as shelters if need be, to hospitals and places of worship. He airlifted people out of low-lying areas that might be flooded by the on-coming storm.
Many times he had to fight the hopefully understandable urge to pick people up and MAKE them go if they insisted on staying with their home. Launchpad usually managed to talk them into at least sending their kids to stay with relatives in safer areas till the storm past.
Finally, Launchpad came home and collapsed into bed with me (We're married, remember? Of course we sleep in the same bed, what do you think this is, a 50's sit-com?)- fully dressed. I laughed, kissed him and made him comfy.
Earlier in the same day, Mr. McDuck was also very busy, making sure all his stores had plenty of supplies to sell to all who needed it: plywood, nails, etc for hardware stores, bottled water and canned goods for super markets, etc.
Mr. McDuck also made sure all of the gas stations he owned had pumps that could be pumped manually and/or a generator on hand to operate the pumps should the power fail. (4)
Mrs. Beakly was preparing the mansion's storm cellar for use: airing it out, making sure it had plenty of bottled water and canned goods, flashlights, batteries, toys, books and games to keep the kids busy and NOT worrying or getting into trouble.
Finally, the storm hit. Everybody who wasn't already there ran for shelter. Duckburg hung up for dear life as the rain and wind pounding it sans mercy. For a whole day and a night, nobody went anyplace but the nearest shelter, anybody who was working when the storm hit soon had to find someplace to be indoors until the blow was over.
When the storm finally ended, people started venturing outdoors to survey the damage. Naturally, the first place Mr. McDuck headed was his Money Bin. To find out the Beagle Boys had taken over the joint. Gizmo-duck was no place around, but that was because the Beagles were holding some innocent people hostage- including Fenton Crackshell.
"What's he doing out of his Gizmo-duck suit? I told him to stay on duty at the Money Bin- as Gizmo-duck!" said Mr. McDuck.
Mr. McDuck spoke quietly to Launchpad when he got there. Launchpad, being the only other person, except Fenton himself (or Fenton's Mom, who went to visit her sister rather than risk missing her soaps due to the storm) who knows who Gizmo-duck is.
"You told him not to leave the bin as Gizmo-duck, right? I bet I can guess what happened. Some workmen most of got trapped by the storm near your bin- and he went out as FENTON to bring them to shelter." Launchpad said.(5)
"Oh, god. And the Beagle Boys must of pretended to be innocent workmen, caught in the storm- and he brought them into the office part of the Money Bin- and now they are holding the real workmen- and Fenton- hostage.
But why on earth doesn't he just say "Blabbering Blathersnipe" and change into Gizmo-duck?" Mr McDuck asked.
"In front of the Beagle Boys? So they can see it fly onto him and know who Gizmo-duck is? So they could kidnap him when he's Fenton, like they kidnapped me when they thought I was Gizmo-duck?(4)"said Launchpad,who isn't above answering a question with a question.
"Great. So what do we do NOW? The Beagle Boys are holed up in the office part of my Bin- with hostages- and no Gizmoduck!" said Mr. McDuck.
" I can think of one possible solution. But you're not going to like it. YOU are going to have to become Gizmo-duck- for a little while." Launchpad said, quietly.
"WHAT? That's FENTON"S job!" Mr. McDuck roared, surprised- and a little scared.
"Even I know that even the office part of the Money Bin has alarms and booby-traps and Lord knows what else to prevent someone from getting from the office part to the inside of the Bin. And YOU know where they are and how to shut them off. I don't." Launchpad began.
" Besides, I stink as Gizmo-duck. I tried operating the silly thing like it was a plane, but I couldn't make heads nor tails of the controls. They are all numbered, with no indication of what the numbers mean- and in no order I could figure out." Launchpad said.
"That's because they aren't in any order- on purpose. The controls are as randomly placed as possible." Mr. McDuck explained.
"That way, unless you have the instruction book, you can't figure out what does what- the controls are in NO order-it's completely arbitrary." Mr. McDuck said.
"OH! THAT'S why I had such trouble with the silly thing! I kept trying to make SENSE of the controls-but there is no sense to where they are!" Launchpad replied.
"Then you know how to work the gizmo-suit?" Launchpad asked.
"Yes- I helped Fenton study the instruction book, when he got a second copy- and you've never seen that instruction book, have you? But Fenton was supposed to make a copy for you when you played Gizmo-duck on purpose." Mr. McDuck said.
"Huh? He left the g-suit in front of my plane with a note telling me what the words to put the stupid thing on are and that's it.(6) Wait a minute- did you let Fenton xerox that book on your xerox machine?" Launchpad asked.
" Of course not! You could choke a truck horse with that instruction book! I'm not letting him xerox that thing with my money- and I expected FENTON to xerox it with HIS non-existant money?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"I see. It has to be me, doesn't it? I'm the only one who can get past the alarms and the traps and who's read the instruction book." Mr. McDuck realized.
"But none of that does me any good if I don't know where Fenton hid the Gizmo-suit. Where could he hide something that big that the Beagle Boys can't find it?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"Simple. He didn't hide it, he left it in plain sight. In your collection of suits of armor, I bet. The Beagle Boys would mistake it for just another old suit of armor." Launchpad said.
"How did you guess that?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"Back when I was "side kicking' with DW, if we had to hide his costume, the easiest place was the nearest dry-cleaner." Launchpad explained.
" They thought it was for a costume party, didn't ask dumb questions and cleaned it, too. I could even buy him some clothes there, if I had to. I always kept clothes for him in the Thunderquack, but they were everyday clothes and not always appropriate for the occasion. People are always forgetting their clothes at dry-cleaners, who eventually sell them." Launchpad said.
"One problem- I don't know how to ride a unicycle." Mr. McDuck admited.
"Neither do I. But it detacts. Why not just remove the silly thing and walk around, like I did?' Launchpad asked.
"Not a bad idea." Mr. McDuck mused.
"Er- how do I put this delectely- you better not talk while you're Gizmo-Duck- or either you're give the whole thing away or the Beagle Boys will think Scrooge McDuck is Gizmo-Duck." Launchpad said.
"How is my talking going to give anything away?" Mr McDuck demanded.
"You're not aware of the fact that after all these years in the US, you still have a Scottish accent, huh?" Launchpad asked.
"I do?" Mr. McDuck said, who honestly didn't know that.
"It's as unmistakable as the English accent Duckworth still has." Launchpad said.
"I'll tell the Beagle Boys you deputied me into dealing with them. I'll try to keep them talking and keep their pointy little heads busy while you sneak in and become Gizmo-Duck." Launchpad said.
"I am NOT going to like this." Mr. McDuck said, remembering the last time he played super-hero. (7)
Mr. McDuck snuck into the office part of the Money Bin, turning off alarms and booby traps and turning them back on behide him. He almost didn't see the g-suit, Fenton had actually done something clever: he had put the g-suit atop a suit of armor meanth for a horse (8) and Fenton had put the breast-plate from another suit of armor over the g-suit.
The g-suit now looked like an ordinary suit of armor! (It's not how much brains you got that counts. It's how you use what you got.) If you didn't know the suit was in the area, had no reason to be looking for it- you could walk past it a thousand times and never notice it.
Launchpad was meanwhile, trying to keep the Beagle Boys busy. He told them that Mr. McDuck would NOT negotiate with them, but that he, Launchpad, had talked Mr. McDuck into letting him try.
Launchpad pointed out that they were as much prisoners as they would be in jail: they were indoors, unable to get out- there was nowhere they could go without the cops following them and finding them.
"There's no food in there. Mr. McDuck will allow no deliveries while you are in there. Sooner or later, you'll have to come out. Especially if Burger Beagle is with you today." Launchpad said.
Burger was there, and he started arguing with his brothers about if they should give up or not.
"Aw, come on, Burger- like we can't bribe someone to deliver food here once we break into the Bin?" Big Time asked.
"And where are we going to go right after a hurricane hit town anyway? It'll take a quite a while before the streets are clear of trees enough for us to go anyplace regardless!" Bebop added.
"So we might as well stay here for a few days- break into the Bin,and get our brothers to bring us food- and a ride out of town for a share of the loot. Lord knows there's enough loot in that Bin for all us Beagles to get our fair share." Bicep finished.
Meanwhile, Mr. McDuck had gotten the g-suit down. The goggles and helmit were inside the chest cavity, with the . McDuck removed the unicycle. He took a deep breath. He hated to admit it, but he was getting a tad too old for the superhero shtick. But it has to be done:
"Blathersnipe!" Mr. McDuck said.
Mr. McDuck knew(has Fenton figured this out?) that "blathering" is unnessary, it's the word "blathersnipe" (9) that does the job.
Next, thing, Mr. McDuck knew, he was wearing the uit-say(10)- he was Gizmo-duck Which meanth HE had to tackle the Beagle Boys. All my himself.
So, he charged in ala Launchpad- like a blundering bull. Ever see a Sherman Tank in action? Same principle. A sherman tank doesn't get much arguement. Which is why Launchpad does that so often: IT WORKS! And when a strategy works, you tend to stick to it.
The Beagle Boys saw -er- GizmoMcDuck (Well, what am I SUPPOSED to call him?) and called out to their brothers, who were talking with Launchpad: "It's Gizmoduck! That clown must be stalling us!"
"Oh, good- I was running out of stall." said Launchpad, and he happily wailed into his fair share of the Beagle Boys.
GizmoMcDuck took care off the lion's share.
Later, after, the cops had carted off the Beagle Boys to jail, Mr. McDuck yelled at Fenton.
"You almost got my Money Bin robbed! But I would of done the same thing, had I seen "workmen" trapped by the storm. So I can't be too mad at you. But from now on, you wear this stupid suit. I'm a little too old for this sort of thing!" Mr. McDuck said.
The End
(1) The first hurricane of the season has a name starting with "A", the second with "B"...as far as I know, they've never gotten to "Z".
(2)That's why Gizmoduck shot himself out of a cannon in "Allowance Day", rather than using his built- in helicopter, otherwise he wouldn't of got there in time to move the cloud
3) I checked, and yes, it's possible. Hurricanes do tend to suppress lightning, but it's possible.
(4)Can I say: "I told you so?" After hurricane Sandy, NOW do you get why somebody should DO something about the fact gasoline pumps needs electricity to work?
5. I believe in trying to "do unto others". Since I would have Disney writers portray Launchpad as smart (or not an idiot, at least), regardless or wheiter THEY believe that or not, I am portraying Fenton as being brave enough to do that, regardless or wheiter I believe that or not.
And since I KNOW Mr. McDuck is very much brave enough to do that (and then some) and Fenton once palmed himself off as Mr. McDuck, I don't see how my doubts that Fenton could do such a thing on the best day of his life is based on his looks.
May I point out that if Launchpad DIDN'T know that Fenton is Gizmo-duck, there would have been no reason for Launchpad not to have told Fenton (politely) to mind his own business when Fenton objected to Launchpad pretending he was Gizmo-duck in "Mistaken Secret Identity"?
If Launchpad didn't know, then he should of thought it was none of Fenton's business and what made Fenton so sure that he, Launchpad was lying, anyway? WHY would Launchpad ADMIT to Fenton (while lying to others) that he's not Gizmo-duck unless Launchpad knew there was no point in trying to convince FENTON that he's Gizmo-duck?
(6.) Yes, Fenton IS dumb enough to leave the g-suit where anybody could of read that note and put it on!
And Ugly Twerp was dumb enough to give it to Fenton when he wasn't supposed to, assuming Fenton was to one Mr. McDuck chose to wear the suit (why exactly did he assume that, anyway?) and it was only dumb luck that Fenton is honest.
Can you imagine LAUNCHPAD being dumb enough to just hand over the Thunderquack to a snook off the streets because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? And LAUNCHPAD is supposed to be the stupid one here? But "Disney's Pet" can do something that dumb and a good deal dumber without anybody being allowed to critizize him because he's "smart". (Mumble, mumble, mumble...)
WHY does Disney INSIST on promoting every geek, nerd, dork and whiney little weenie to the skies wheither he sells or not? It seems to me the less one sells the more they promote him! Huh?
(7)"The Masked Mallard, I think, in the Ducktales episode of the same name-I think.
Mr. McDuck had done a good job, but he still wasn't happy at having to do it again. You never know when one of those super-hero gadgets is going to develop gremlins on you.
8)The unicycle was withdrawn within the chest cavity, where it usually is when not in use
(9) Has anybody ever read the story "The Fifty-first Dragon?" I think the magic word there was "blathersnatch", but since I think poor Fenton would get crushed like an eggshell if he tried being Gizmo-duck for real...
(10) Anybody ELSE remember "The Greatest American Hero"?