Sauron the Fortune-teller
This is just a little story expressing how much I hate slash.
Disclaimer: Sauron is the property of Tolkien, as are all the other characters in this story.
The fortune-telling part is MINE! YAY!
A/n: This is my first fanfic so be nice and tell me if I did something wrong when downloading or uploading, or whatever.
One day, Sauron decided to quit the life of an evil murderer and pursue his childhood dream. He went to the Middle Earth Clothes for Mystical-Yet-Evil Creatures store and bought himself a purple robe covered in stars and an electric fortune-telling crystal ball. Then he bought one of his favorite accessories: a ring (duh)!
A day later, he set up a fortune-telling stand. After fiddling with his newly bought ring for two hours, his first customers came. Merry and Pippin were strolling down the lane. "How much does this cost?" they asked. "Five cents!" said Sauron while he searched their pockets for rings. He found a carrot, two mushrooms, and a mug stolen from the Prancing Pony (a/n: is that what it's called? Unfortunately, I don't own any of the books).
He went behind his starry purple curtain, plugged in his crystal ball, and started to stare cross-eyed at the swirling lights. You see, he actually believed he was being mystical and predicting the future. "When will se steal more carrots from Farmer Maggot?" Merry and Pippin asked. They waited for some time. "Aha!" cried Sauron. "Even better! You two will get married!" They set off what was left of Gandalf's fireworks in Sauron's face. Then they demanded their money back and left.
Then Frodo and Sam came. They asked, "When will we meet again?" You see, Frodo was just about to leave his gardener to go on a little walk. They looked heartbroken. Once again, Sauron concentrated on his electric crystal ball. "Even better!" he declared, "You'll get married!" Then he searched their pockets for rings. Sam had a nice diamond wedding ring. Frodo had none. They painted Sauron's face in permanent red and green stripes. Then they demanded their money back and left.
On the second day in Sauron's newfound career, the Witchking came holding a squirrel by the scruff of its neck. "When will I get rid of this useless male rat?" he asked. This time Sauron stayed back because: a- the Witchking had no pockets to store rings and b- his breath was too bad. He quickly looked at his crystal ball. I'm getting good at this, he thought smugly. "Even better!" he shouted, becoming hysterical under the Witchking's horrible breath, "You'll get married!" The Witchking roared in his face. Then he demanded his money back and stalked off (poor squirrel!).
After only two days of successful fortune-telling, Sauron was chased out of his home, which was a dump, and forced to go into hiding with Ringy, his dog (who was made out of stolen rings). He then went broke because he ran out of food to feed Ringy and foolishly bought more.
Then he died. The End.
Please (see, I'm nice. I say please) review. If you like it I can write more stories like this one.