I'm trapped in something I created.
Some people are working to get my out and I'm not sure if I want them to succeed or not.
If they (Including that creepy scientist woman) were to succeed I will be tortured beyond belief forced to give up my comrades and family then very quickly eliminated. But is that better than the alternative? At least it would be quick rather than trapped for all eternity conscious but unable to move for all time.
I crystallised myself so I couldn't be interrogated. Because if I were to be interrogated I know I'd crack. Hell simply looking on the faces of many of my former friends would be too much to handle.
I know the choice I made was for the greater good but that would matter little in their eyes all I'd done is betray them. I saw that look in Mikasa when I fell and I have no doubt I'd see it in all their faces. Especially Eren.
I saw what it looked like in his titan form but his real face would by too much to see it from the real him would be unbearable and asking for forgiveness would be pointless.
How I could explain why we killed so many? Could he forgive us who were really responsible for the death of his mother? Even though that was Bertholt who really let the titans do what they did that day, in his eyes I'm just as responsible. He'd probably also hate me for the deaths of his squad mates but in truth I know it's his mother's death is the one that he really feels for. He told me himself when he was trying to become a friend to me. Perhaps the truest friend I've ever had and he would be disgusted by the sight of me.
I did start to develop certain feeling for him before I had to do what I did. That's why I taught him to fight. Why I allowed him to see more of me than I ever showed anyone else. But now I see it was inevitable for that to end badly. I guess I was just kidding myself to think otherwise.
Even if they could forgive me though what would it matter? They would have all moved on with their lives or died as heroes unlike how I would end up. Some would even get married. Perhaps Connie and Sasha? Armin and Christa? Perhaps Mikasa would finally have got Eren in the end. Then again it doesn't really matter who they would end up with at least they would be able to live. Regardless if they do get me out I will never get to do those things. They wouldn't give me the chance.
I don't think it is possible for them to free me. As far as I know my crystal is unbreakable even for me but I have been wrong before.
Perhaps that would be the most appropriate way to suffer for my actions or is it better for me suffer as I do now. For all eternity caught in the mistakes I made unable to ever live, love or laugh again.
Do I deserve these tortures? Yes I do. Though I do believe my mission was the right thing to do, my failure made the people who died a waste, and mean that my failure will lead to more deaths than if I had done nothing.
All I know is whatever happened was my choice and either way I will suffer for those. I am trapped by them.