Brothers, Abbie Hoffman and Breaking And Entering
"Do you have to dress like you've stepped out of some gritty Muggle film noir?" Remus Lupin asked his friend Sirius Black. They were standing in Sirius' bedroom at the Potter's home, preparing to break into Sirius' parents' house. Sirius, having seen too many muggle films about breaking into banks or armoured cars, or teahouses, dressed the part, wearing khaki cargo trousers, a black ribbed A-shirt, and combat boots. His hair was tied back and a bandana, folded four times over itself, was tied around his forehead. He wore black grease paint under his eyes; he had told Mrs. Potter it was the height of Muggle fashion. All he was missing was a gun and he'd look like an extra from some film about the American war in Viet Nam.
"Admit it, Moony, I look absolutely dashing." He paused and walked over to the closet, which, somehow despite only having a meagre budget, Mrs. Potter had managed to fill with clothes in only four days. "You, on the other hand, look like you're going to your Grandma Mabel's Christmas Party. Put on this black jumper and rumple your hair a bit. That blue one you're wearing won't scare anyone. Do you think your dad has a black beret he'd let you borrow?" asked Sirius tossing the jumper to Remus.
"Yes, because my father is a Frenchman he definitely has a beret in the car at all times," said Remus sarcastically, sitting down dramatically on Sirius' bed. He quickly pulled off the blue jumper, placed it on the hanger next to him on the bed and then put on the black one. "Anyway, Sirius, are we breaking into your parents' house or into a fashion show in... I don't know, Milan?"
"Bet you, I bet you money your dad does have one in the car. What did your mother tell Mrs. Potter me, you, Pete and James, if his cold is any better, are doing tonight anyway?"
"Cinema; you don't know how excited she and Dad are to do this. Ever since they read 'Steal This Book' by Abbie Hoffman, they've wanted to do something like this.'"
"They know they're just driving us from here to the train station then back, right?"
"Yup, though mum did try to convince me to take her along. Says she wants to get your father back for things he's done to her by graffiting his home and egging it, but I told her it would probably be safer if she didn't come. Come on, we got to go downstairs, your uncle Alphard is taking them out to dinner tonight, we got to get there right after they leave if we want to do everything we want to do."Sirius followed Remus out the door and down the stairs to the Potter's kitchen. As he walked down, he tried to avoid looking at the crucifix that hung above the stairs. It was kind of creepy.
"Well, boys," Ferdinand Lupin greeted the two of them, "I'm afraid it will be just the four of us tonight. James' cold hasn't improved and Peter's dealing with a 'family emergency'. D'you got everything?"
"Sirius, you need a coat," both Mrs. Potter and Remus' mother, Josephine Drake, who was sitting next to her, said at the same time. Josephine, despite not being French, was indeed wearing a black beret.
"I'll be fine!" protested Sirius stubbornly.
Remus sighed; they were supposed to have left five minutes ago. "Sirius, just put one on, if you get hot at the theatre you can just take it off. Let's get going, the film will be starting soon."
"What fi- oh, yeah, the film." Sirius bent down and pulled Mrs. Potter, who was very short even when standing, into a hug. The coral lipstick she was wearing left a mark on his cheek. "Bye Violet. Make sure James eats his soup; see you when the picture is done!"
The four of them, Remus' parents Remus, and Sirius, all walked out the front door to where the family car, a 1970 Buick Wildcat in an odd shade of green, was parked. The Potters' gravel drive made odd noises under everyone's feet.
Once everyone was situated in the car, Remus dad driving, his mother sitting beside him, Remus and Sirius in the backseat, Remus' mother turned around, grinning like mad. "It was brilliant, absolutely brilliant for you to think of this Sirius, it's the biggest bloody fuck you we could give our patriarchal, oligarchical, chauvinistic xenophobic society and to people like your parents who support it. You have officially won my worship for about a week." She removed the beret she was wearing and tried to put it on her son's head as he squirmed, trying to get away.
"Darling," said Mr. Lupin thoughtfully, barely looking at his lover as he drove down the drive, "I don't think Sirius is doing this for a political statement, I think he's just doing this to get his things back. Am I right, lad?"
"Um..." said Sirius squirming uncomfortably in his seat. He really didn't know. Part of this was to spite his parents, that was for sure.
Still attempting to put the hat on Remus' head, his mother grinned again, "We need music for this historic car trip! The White Album, I think!"
Remus' mother finally was able to get the beret on her son's head. "You look absolutely... Enjolras-aic." she said, turning around in her chair and snapping a photo.
"Oh, great, I look like a dead idealist French revolutionary."
"No," said Sirius, butting in "You look positively fit, mate. Makes you look all dark and brooding and mysterious."
"Yeah," agreed Remus' mother, "gives you that 'I'm going to die for my beliefs right here, right now,' look. Rather debonair, I think."
Mr. Lupin put his two-knuts in, "Don't listen to a word either one of them says, son. The moment you have the chance, get rid of it. Don't trust your mother on men's fashion. She tried to convince me to buy a leisure suit, a green paisley leisure suit. I know they're terribly in fashion, but they're hideous, I don't get why one would wear something like that. And I know for a fact that Sirius thinks Mohican haircuts are the height of style."
"Oh, tosh, you're just jealous I have better taste than you do," she said, sticking out her tongue, crossing her arms and putting her legs up on the dash.
"Josie, honey, you're acting like a Hufflepuff first year on a sugar-high, stop it. You're a full-grown woman."
Leaving the 'adults' to their conversations and ceaseless flirting, Sirius pulled a crude hand-drawn map and a torch out of the small knapsack he had brought with him.
"So," he asked eagerly, spreading the map out so Remus could see it, "how should we get in?"
"What about the front door? I bet you your mother and father didn't change anything about how to get in."
Sirius looked slightly deflated at this suggestion.
"I know, Sirius, that you're going to say it's boring, but boring is sometimes practical and this is one of those times."
"Fine, but if that damned house elf spots us while we're wandering in the front door, you have to be the one to hex him."
"Done; now, let's make a list of all the things you want to gather while we are there."
Sirius whined, he didn't like making lists. "Do we have to?"
"We don't if the idea of going to Azkaban for breaking and entering because we took too long sounds like fun to you."
"The Dementors can't do anything to me, I bet. I'd just turn into a dog and escape."
"Yeah, and you'd leave me there alone; some friend, Padfoot. I thought dogs were supposed to be loyal."
"It isn't my fault you were too worried to try to become animagi with us. 'What if the wolf takes control? I can't do it, Sirius, sorry, no.' your own fault there, mate."
"List." Remus said again. "What do you want from your mum and dad's?"
"James' scarf"
"Not the fornicating deer scarf! What else?"
"Some clothes, my broom, pretty much everything else I can do without, after all, I got most of the things I needed at that meeting at James' house."
Soon they arrived at the train station. Giving both boys money for tickets and a big hug and kiss on the cheek, Josephine and Ferdinand left them at the station, saying they'd be across the way at a bookstore they both enjoyed.
Getting on the relatively empty train, Sirius and Remus soon found themselves with some unwanted company in the form of a small, blonde American girl, running up and down the aisles, while two people, who Sirius assumed were her parents, bickered in the corner.
Soon, she took notice of the two teenage boys who dared to enter 'her' compartment. Sitting in the seat in front of them, sitting so she was facing them, she asked, "Why do ya have long hair? Daddy says long hair on boys means they're queer." she asked. She spoke with an accent Sirius thought might be from Boston. But Sirius had never been good at placing accents. For all he knew, she could have been from Texas or Minnesota (wait... was Minnesota a part of the US or Canada? He wasn't quite sure.)
Remus, having had much experience with nosy, annoying children barely looked up from his book as he deadpanned, "We have long hair because it we're members of a cult. We sacrifice little girls to our G-d Sesquipedalian. He loves to eat them; especially blonde girls, from the States."
The child didn't seem to get the hint. "You have scars on your face," she noticed, "did Sus-Ses-Sesa- your G-d, give you them?"
"Sesquipedalian, and no, he didn't."
"How'd you get them then?"
Sirius, who had been trying to ignore the little girl's questions, finally spoke up, "None of your business leave him alone. Go bother your parents or something, kid, we're busy."
The girl started to cry and ran to her parents. Instantly, Sirius felt horrible.
Luckily, she and her parents got off at the next stop, leaving the two boys alone.
Neither talked until they reached King's cross station. They got off the train and started walking to Number 12. It wasn't a very 'good' neighbourhood, so Sirius walked with his hand in his pocket, wrapped tightly around his wand, ready to hex anyone who even got close to he or Remus; especially Remus.
Soon they reached the front door. Something about it made butterflies appear in Sirius' stomach. Something about being back here made him nervous. He reached out to touch the bricks that would make the door appear hesitantly with his wand, as though they would burn him. He muttered the password, the family motto, under his breath.
He touched it and for a second, nothing happened. He worried that perhaps his parents had changed how to get in. Remus put an arm on his shoulder and started to guide him away, whispering platitudes into his ear.
Then, Sirius saw, out of the corner of his eye, the houses moving. He turned around quickly and saw that number 12 had appeared. He and Remus walked into the house, walking up the stairs quickly, to avoid being seen by Kreature. Soon they found their way up to Sirius' bedroom. It was so unusual; he had called this room home just five days ago. Now he was terrified to open the door.
"Are you going to go in?" asked Remus hesitantly, walking closer to his friend.
Sirius opened the door slowly. He had nearly expected a thin layer of dust over everything, but there was none. He stepped into the room. Remus, who had been following him, closed the door behind them.
"Let's get packing," he said softly, picking up a duffle bag off the very messy bedroom floor.
Together, they quickly packed everything on Sirius' short list, along with a few other things he had forgotten. At Remus' insistence, they also picked up the room, leaving it far tidier than it had been when they came. They were about to leave when Sirius pushed him down on the bed and kissed him.
Once the kiss broke, Sirius said, "I had always wanted to do that; kiss you here. Would have preferred to do it in front of my parents...and maybe Bellatrix, she'd totally go out of her gourd, not that she isn't already, crazy cunt, but this is fine too." Then he kissed Remus again.
There was a noise coming from the door. It opened with a squeal. They were screwed.
Standing at the door was Regulus Black. His nose was red and runny, his eyes (the one he wasn't rubbing) were droopy and his skin was nearly ghost white. He wore a green tartan dressing gown, grey flannel pyjama bottoms and red slippers. He probably had a cold.
"Sirius," he asked tiredly, his voice raspy, "you better hurry up and get out of here; mum and dad will be home soon."
"And if I don't?" Sirius snarled.
"Please, Sirius, I don't want Mum to send for the aurors. I don't want you to go to Azkaban. Not your...erm...friend either." There was a noise from downstairs, and a woman called that she was home.
"Go, come on, they're home," he said, herding his brother and Remus towards the window, bags in hand.
Had they been muggles, there would have been no way out, but they luckily had Sirius' broomstick. He helped Remus on it, saw it fly him to the ground and then turned to face his brother.
"Don't tell them we were here, Reg, please," Sirius whispered sadly, walking closer.
"I won't Sirius. I promise, cross my heart."
"Can you? Summon the broom from the ground for me, I mean. The ministry would be able to tell them I was here if I use magic."
"Sure," he said in a hoarse whisper. The broomstick was now hovering outside the window again. Before Sirius got onto it, though, he pulled his younger brother into a hug.
"See you at school," they whispered at the same time as Sirius climbed out the window and onto his broom.
Walking back to King's cross, it started to snow. This and the mask of darkness around them made Remus brave enough to offer his hand to his friend, who took it in his gladly. On the train ride, Remus got into an argument with an older man about the book he was reading and Sirius drew pictures in the frost on the window.
They met Remus' parents at the station around midnight. The car ride was quiet other than the quiet argument about the exact nature of the relationship between Grantaire and Enjolras in Les Miserables being had between the two adults in the front.
Once they reached the Potter home, Mrs. Potter insisted it was far too late for Remus and his parents to return home and that they could stay there that night.
Wearily, Sirius and Remus climbed the stairs and fell into bed not even bothering to clear the clothes off the bed or change into pyjamas.
The next morning, Remus was woken up by Sirius swearing loudly from the bathroom.
"THAT RUDDY BASTARD! He got me sick! He wasn't trying to show me he loved me, he was trying to use bloody biological weapons on me! Some brother."
-end