Socom and SkoolHackr: Final Resident Filter Fantasy VII Solid: Director's Cut
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They either belong to Capcom, Konami, Square, 989, George Gund, Dallas Stars, Colorado Avalanche, or New York Rangers. I did not make any money off of this so get over it! Thank You.
Prelude: CAPTURED, again..........
Tifa owns a bar in San Jose called "Stover's Pub" in the corner of Cahalan and Santa Teresa. The time 1:00 AM she is wearing her usual clothes. She walks to her Chevy Lumina and takes out her keys. Then two men in suits pop out they take out duct tape
Tifa: Help! Man I wish Cloud was here.
(Tifa yells, but no one responds.)
Reno: You bitch!
Her mouth is taped and she is gagged.
Rude: Uh, be careful.
Reno: Oh shut up with your little wet dreams.
Reno throws Tifa into the back of the Crown Victoria.
Reno: Heh-Heh-Heh Rufus will give us a raise!
Rude: Hell yeah!
Meanwhile in Mountain View Surplus on Bascom Avenue in Campbell. Meryl is
locking up the store for closing. Elena pops out of the shadows and bashes Meryl's head with a lead pipe
she falls onto the ground. She drags her into the Crown Victoria .
Elena: I love lead pipes.
Elena:Were done throw'em into the damn truck!
Reno: I should say that! I am the leader you know!
Eleana: Shut your piehole!
Tifa and Meryl are dragged into the truck. They both wake up and Tifa's arms are jittering.
She looks at Meryl.
Tifa: I am freeziiin'.
(Tifa shrugs her arms)
Meryl: Yeahhh....
Tifa: My metal knukule glove.
Meryl: My .50 cal.
Tifa and Meryl: This suxs!
Tifa: Brr..(cough)
Tifa: Can't move.
Meryl: Yeah.
Tifa are strapped to two stretchers stolen from a hospital.
Tifa: Stereotypical. Just stereotypical.
The truck parks into the San Jose Arena
Reno: Shut up!!
Screen Fades out
The next day a condo in Santa Cruz. Cloud walks around and look supisious. He takes off his ray-bans.
Cloud: Tifa?!
Cloud looks into the room.
Cloud:Baby?!
Cloud:Tifa!!
He looks around the bedroom empty nothing.
Cloud:TIFA!!!(Yell is heard dogs bark, car alarms sound,and window breaks)
Cloud:Oh ,oops.
Meanwhile at the Arena Tifa and Meryl are escorted to the cat walk. Tifa looks down at the hockey rink.
Liquid pushes both of them next to the scoreboard.
Tifa: Gulp!
Meryl: Uhm man I am scared.
Tifa: Hold me,Cloud.
Meryl: Stop hallucinating.
Tifa and Meryl are chained to the scoreboard.
Tifa: Cloud!
Meryl:Snake!
Tifa: I'll try something!
A red glow flows over Tifa.
Tifa: Uhh can't.
Rufus:Heh-Heh-Heh You're not able to use your limit breaks here!
Tifa: Man!
Rufus laughs while Liquid has a camcoreder in his hand.
Rufus pulls out cue cards to read his lines. the Turks to
a few seconds later.
Reno: You must challange us to game of hockey!
Rude: Yeah,you spikey assed prick.
Rufus: Or will make your girls fall into the rink and smash them if you lose ha-ha-ha-ha!
Liquid: There blood splattered below.
(Turks and Liquid Snake laugh along with him. The english bad ass and the Turks stop laughing.)
Rufus:Ha-Ha-Ha!
The only one laughing is Rufus
Rufus: Oh!
Liquid and Rufus drive to Cloud's home and throw the tape into his condo. There faces filled with
happiness,EVIL happiness.
Meanwhile at Muni Stadium. Solid Snake is living out his dream doing play-by-play for San Jose Giants game (Minor Leauge team). The crowd is almost filled to capacity. The crowd walks out because the game is over and Snake drives down the Alma Avenue toward Highway 87 in his Shelby Cobra.
Snake: Meryl I thought we were going to have a night on the town.
He presses the intercom and keeps pressing the button labeled Meryl.
Snake: You drunk? You high?! What the fuck?!
Snake walks the Apartment's stairs which look very clean. He tries to open the door, but it's locked.
He looks through the peep hole. He sees nothing just like Cloud.
Snake: Does this have to do in what happned in Fox-Island?!
Snake: Meryl!!
Land Lord: It's you!
Snake pulls out his SMG and aims at the fat chunky Land Lord.
Snake: Here some bullets for you pudgy!
The SMG emitts a dart like sound due to it's slinencer
Land Lord: Ahh my legs.
Land Lord's knees bleed and he crys on the floor
Snake walks outside the apartment aparmtents office and crarrys him and chokes him in one hand.
Snake: Who payed you to do this?! Answer Me!
Land Lord: No!
Land Lord: Don't kill me!
Snake kills the land lord and drags'em next to the toilet. He walks out and drives his Shelby with a hint of anger on his face.
Snake: Does this have to do with Meryl? Were the hell is she?
Snake drives to Santa Cruz to Cloud's on highway 17. The car zooms at 100 MPH and stops and breaks right in front of the condo.
Snake walks into condo number 7 and sees Cloud drinking whiskey cup by cup like he was some drunk walking down the street not knowing what the hell he's doing.
Cloud: Hic! Hic!
Snake: Stop drinking,bastard!
Cloud begans to cough and runs the bathroom.
Snake looks around and sees a videotape on the ground.
Cloud: Oh your Snake from Escape from L.A.
Snake: No! I worked for goverment for a short time, but it was stressfull and made me depress.
Some piano music begins to play
Cloud: Stop making this melodramatic,and whats that in your hand?
Solid Snake puts the VHS Tape into the VCR and presses play on player.
The TV is turned on and a picture of Tifa and Meryl tied to the scoreboard.
Liquid Snake and Rufus stand up.
Liquid: Meet at the San Jose Arena or these two girls will drop and fall into ring and all they'll be is red mush on the floor. They're blood a deep contrast with the white ice.
The Turks enter and they are walking on the cat walks.
Reno: You must challange us to game of hockey!
Rude: Yeah,you spikey assed prick.
Rufus: Or will make your girls fall into the rink and smash them if you lose ha-ha-ha-ha!
Turks and Liquid Snake laugh along with him. The english bad ass and the Turks stop laughing.
Rufus:Ha-Ha-Ha!
The only one laughing is Rufus
Rufus: Oh!
The TV turns off and there is only static.
Cloud and Snake: Damn those motherfuckingsonofabitches!!!!!!!
Snake: Meryl!
Cloud: Tifa!
Cloud: Do you know how to play hockey?
Snake: Sort of
Cloud: SORT OF! Tifa and Meryl's lives are at stake and you SORT OF know how to play hockey!
I don't either.
Solid Snake drives away to somewere to think. Cloud decides to call SCEA(Sony Computer Entertainment) to send someone to investigate WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING. About and hour or so later The SCEA agent, Socom, has arrived at Cloud's condo. Snake has already arrived back from his mind clearing drive.
SOCOM: My name is Socom im the agent from SCEA sent to inveatigate WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE.
Cloud: I'll tell you WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE! Those goddamnmuthafuckinsunuvabitch Turks kidnapped our women.
Snake: Those bastards sent this tape.
(They show Socom the tape)
Socom: Holy crap! This is bad. I wish i knew someone who could help us.
(Socom stands there contemplating what he's gonna do. Then all of a sudden....)
SOCOM: Aghh What the!?
Cloud: What?
SOCOM: Why me aghhh!!
(SOCOM falls and dies due to a biological weapon. Foxdie. He's dead.)
(Cloud checks his pulse)
Cloud: Dead........it looked like a heart attack or something.
Snake: Heart attack my ass; i know Foxdie when i see it. The Turks are one step ahead of us.
(Socom is dead. But God seeing how Socom got screwed over resurects him back from the dead and also seeing how he needs to be in San Jo and needs a hockey expert. Puts him in the backyard of a hockey expert in San Jo.)
(Skool is sitting on is back deck feeding quail. Then all of a sudden up on the hill Socom's body materializes)
SOCOM: Whoa! I'm back from the dead! Thank God! But where am I?
Skool: (With a perplexed look on his face) Welcome to San Jo.
SOCOM: A forest what the?!
Skool: Nope, my backyard. Who are you?
Socom: The names Socom. I work for SCEA. I was in Santa Cruz investigating a kidnapping. The Turks kidnapped Tifa Lockheart and Meryl Silverburgh.
(Socom tells Skool about the whole predicament with the hockey game.)
Skool: Hockey illiterate schmucks getting their women kidnapped and then getting challenged to a hockey game. Unbelivable.
Socom: I'll have to show you the tape. Which reminds me, I gotta call Cloud and Snake. They're probaly wondering WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED to me.
(Skool gives Socom the phone and Socom precedes to call the condo.)
(The phone rings at the condo. Cloud picks up.)
Cloud: Hello.
Socom: Its me Socom.
Cloud: Dude WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
Socom: It seems somhow i was injected with Foxdie and I died, but God resurected me. He put me in San Jo. How bout that I've already got a head start.
Cloud: Really?
Socom: Yeah. And I think I 've found someone to help us. Get over here and bring the tape. (Socom tells Cloud and Snake the Skool's address and they head over to San Jo. About an hour later they arrive at Skool's House and preced to show him the tape.)
Skool: (Talking to Snake) Man, your brother is one crazy stiff ass brit.
Snake: Don't remind me.
(The four of them sit down at the table)
Skool: We have a 48-period to get our team together. Let's get to work.
Cloud: I know of some one who has dealt with bastards worse than this. The undead kind.
(Cloud calls SCEA)
Cloud: Hey is this Sony?
Sony: Sony customer service line how can i help you?
Cloud: yeah I am an employee from Squaresoft I need to contact Capcom.
Sony: Capcom? A joint operation?
Cloud: uhh... yeah sorta
(Sony operator pulls Capcom number from datatbase and gives it to Cloud. He calls Capcom.)
Cloud: Hello? is this Capcom?
Capcom: Yes it is. How may i help you sir?
Cloud: I'm from Squaresoft. I need to talk to one of your police employees from Racoon City. i need his help.
The call is being connected.
(Leon's House)
(Leon watching a baseball game because its summer and hockey season doesn't start till october)
(Phone rings)
Leon: o great, right in the middle of the freakin game! It had better not be more reporters asking if i'm THAT KIND OF KENNEDY. Zombies are more descent than some of those people.
(Leon picks up phone)
Leon: WHAT?!
Cloud: dude, Leon relax its cloud.
Leon: Cloud? Oh yeah your that dude from Squaresoft with that big Menudo Blade right?
Cloud: Buster Blade. Anyway we got trouble and we need your help.
Leon: Trouble? what kind of trouble
Cloud: The turks captured Tifa and Meryl. They're at the Arena in San Jo. The turks challenged us to a hockey game. If we win Tifa and Meryl go free, but if we lose Meryl and Tifa are gonna become cherry syrup on a sno cone.
Leon: ouch. Thats not a good image. Meryl? So im guessing Snake is with y'all too. Hmm... i'll help but we need some one who doesn't take crap from anyone.
(Leon thinking of someone)
Leon: Hmmm..... I got it! Gimmie a second I'm gonna put us on three way with someone.
(Claire's Cycle Center. Claire working on a motorcycle. Phone rings. Claire sets her stuff down and answers phone)
Claire: Hello
Leon: Claire this is Leon.
Claire: O hi wzup. I hope its not zombies!
Leon: Unbelivably, no its not. Someone from Squaresoft is in a jam. He kinda needs us for "joint project."
Cloud: Claire, this is Cloud.
Claire: Cloud? oh yeah the dude with the big Menudo Blade.
Cloud: Buster Blade.
(Cloud tells Claire the same thing he told Leon. Claire and Leon agree to be on the team.)
(Back at Skool's house)
Skool: We still need more people.
Snake: You're the hockey expert you tell us who we should use.
Skool: Relax i know of some off the top of my head, but you'll have to think of some too.
(Skool thinking of goalies; first string and back up.)
Skool: i got it. I know who we could use for goalies.
the other 3: Who?
Skool: EL ESCUDO!
Other 3: EL Escudo?!
Skool: El escudo; its spanish for "the shield" We could get steve shields. i would use Mike Vernon except he's a family guy and i wouldn't want him getting killed. But we need a back up for steve in case he gets hurt or sumthin.
(Skool is thinkin)
Skool: Brodeur Chick
Socom: who the hell are you talking bout?
Skool: i'm talkin bout my friend Brodeur Chick. (This is not her real name or her screen name we are using an alias for privacy purposes) I met her in an AOL chat room. She's a goalie chick from Jersey. Jersey, i still think its the compost pile of the world, but that compost grows some pretty nice flowers!
Snake: yeah (wondering whats going thru Skool's head)
(Doorbell rings)
Skool: I wonder who that could be?
(Answers door. Leon and Claire are standing there with shotgun and machine gun)
Skool: How nice y'all remembered weapons. You got here kinda fast.
Leon and Claire: (looking at Snake) The people at Konami ain't the only ones who can open up a blue portal wherever they want to. (Snake smirks)
Skool: Yeah sure whatever. Anyway you two wanna join us we were talkin bout who we're gonna recruit for the team.
(Claire and Leon sit down)
Leon: Ok who we got so far.
Skool: Everyone here and we are gonna call El Escudo and BrodeurChick.
Claire: Anybody else?
Cloud: We were just talkin bout that.
Skool: The Granato's!
Claire: Both of them? O joy! Cammi Granato is just one of the women I look up to.
Skool: I can contact Tony and Cammi. (Turns on Speakerphone and Dials Tony's number)
(Somwhere in San Jose, Tony is polishing his Masterdon Trophy. The phone rings)
Tony: Hello.
Skool: Hey Tony, its Skool.
Tony: Wzup
Skool: Tony, we got a problem, a hockey problem, a BIG hockey problem.
Tony: Explain
Skool: Tifa and Meryl have been captured. There being held captive at The Arena. The Turks captured them. They Challenged us to a hockey game. If we win Meryl and Tifa will be let go, if we lose they're gonna be Syrup on a white pancake.
Tony: Ugh! i gotta skate on that. Lemme call my sister she can help us. (Tony calls home. Cammi's house in Downers Grove, Illinois. Cammi is polishing her Gold Medal. The phone rings.)
Cammi: Hello.
Tony: Sis, its Tony.
Cammi: Hi Tony, whats the dillio?
Tony: You remember my friend Skool?
Cammi: Yeah.
Tony: He has a situation down here in San Jose. Tifa and Meryl have been taken prisoner.
Cammi: Video game characters? Whoa. Its amazing how you can slam reality with fiction. I guess thats why they call them fanfics.
Tony: Anyway The Turks are holding them at the Arena. They challenged us to a hockey game if we win they go free if we lose Tifa and Meryl become a Splat on the ice. and i know what its like to get your brain bashed in. its not very comfortable.
Cammi: Thats not a pretty picture.
(Tony and Cammi agree to help. Back at Skool's house.)
Skool: ok. who do we have so far?
(Socom reads his list.)
Socom: Me, Skool, Cloud, Snake, Leon, Claire,Tony, Cammi.
Skool: I need to call our goalies. El Escudo and (sigh!) my little cracker with tabasco sauce, Brodeur Chick. (Everyone looks at Skool wondering if he's on something.)
(Skool places a three way call to Steve Shields and Brodeur Chick)
Shields and Brodeur Chick: Hello
Skool: Steve; Brodeur Chick (Skool not refering to Brodeur Chick by real name for Privacy Purposes). It's Skool.
Shields: Yeah What do you need?
Skool: the Turks captured tifa and Meryl. They challenged us to a hockey game.
Brodeur Chick: A hockey game, eh?
Skool: yeah we need goalies so i thought of you two.
Shields: Kewl
Brodeur Chick: How Sweet.
Skool: Not really since there is gonna be weapons during the third period. Anyway The Turks said if we win Meryl and Tifa will be released, but if we lose they're gonna become strawberry ice cream.
Brodeur Chick: ewwww!
Shields: Ack! i gotta skate on that.
(Though reluctant because of weapons the two goalies agree.)
(5 hours later everyone shows up at Skool's house)
Skool: Ok everybody listen up. I've taken a good look at all of us and i realized we need someone who can score.
Socom: I can score!
Skool: Not that kind of scoring. I meant in the game. Hmm.........Vinnie!
Cloud: Vincent?
Skool: Not your Vincent, the NHL Vincent. Vincent Damphousse!
(Skool preceds to make another call on Speaker phone to Montreal, Quebec)
(At Damps' house. Damps is crying over the fact that he isn't playing for Montreal anymore. But he stops because he realizes how much he likes playing for SJ since there isn't as much media pressure. Phone rings)
Damps: Hello.
Tony: Hey Damps this is Tony. We got predicament here in San Jo.
Shields: Yeah man.This is some serious stuff.
(They tell Damps bout the kidnapping)
Tony: If we win we celebrate by drinking Bloody Marys. If we don't win we're gonna be seeing a Bloody Meryl.
Damps: Oh man! I gotta skate on that.
(Damps arrives at Skool's house.)
Skool: Listen here folks. It has come to my attention that besides Damps, Shields and the Granatos; we are SCRUB HOCKEY PLAYERS. We might not win this.
Snake: Is this some kind of motavation or something?!
Skool: Shut up and listen! During the game 17,483 screaming fans are gonna be concentrating on us.
All: yeah, So?
Skool: So, since no one isn't looking up at the catwalk wouldn't it be great if someone was getting Meryl and Tifa down from there?
All: YEAH!
Skool: We need someone who has a medical background becuase they're gonna be beaten and cold. LOGAN!
All: Who?
Skool: Gabriel Logan.
Socom: oh Yeah! That dude. Let me call 989 Studios.
(Socom places his call to 989.)
Socom: Hello 989?
989: yes this is 989 how may i help you?
Socom: I'm an agent from SCEA. I need you to connect me to CBDC. I need to talk to Gabe Logan. It's important.
989: One moment please.
(The call is being patched through. In a Government building Gabe is giving himself imunization shots and sucking down Vitamin Cs because the summer flu is going round. The phone rings.)
Gabe: Ack! (nearly breaks the needle while it is in his arm) Dammit! Why do they call me when im try to innouculate myself! I gotta take phone off the hook when I inject vaccinations!
(Gabe picks up the phone)
Gabe:(deep sigh)Whothehellisthiswhatthehelldoyouwantthishadbetterbeimportantoragoodlookingwoman.
Socom: SCEA agent smart ass. You had better calm the hell down.
Gabe: Oh, what do you want.
Socom: We have a Medical\Espinogue situation. We need you to bust out two hostages. So, get yourself over here to San Jo. And i know it'll only be 15 mins because you g-men have that secret underground train. So don't play dumb with me. Make sure you bring your medical stuff, too.
(Socom hangs up)
Gabe: Your welcome.
(15 minutes later)
Gabe: Ok im here. What is this situatuion you all are bitchin bout.
Cloud : Back down sunavabich.
Skool: Hey! Everybody freakin relax or I'll shoot you all!
(Everybody calms down. Skool tells Gabe bout the situation.)
Gabe: Gonna be dropped on the ice ,eh? I think I can get them outta there. You had better make sure everybody is paying attention to the game. (Pulls out his medkit full of needles.) Speaking of double checking things, we had better make sure we're all vaccinized for Foxdie. The Turks already got to Socom once before.
Claire: Where did you get that vaccine?
Gabe: I'm a medical expert who works for the government. They kinda have to give it to me. Even the government has SOME obligations.
Snake: Really? I didn't know that. All I got is a log cabin in middle of nowhere Alaska.
Claire: But isn't Foxdie a programmable virus? You'd have to program a vaccine.
Gabe: true. This isn't a true vaccine. But it will slow down the process.
Skool: Groovy, shoot me up.
(Everyone is vaccinized)
Meanwhile at the Kollmar apartments the Turks are creating there own team. People from San Jo may remember the Kollmar Apartments from the no roof incident back in '96 with EL NINO. The Kollmar Apartments are located on Kollmar Avenue right at the intersection of Story Road and Capitol Expressway.
Liquid: Listen up you scrubs we need a hockey team. The most evilest hockey team ever assembled.
Reno: (Eating a bag of pork rinds)"BURP!"
Liquid: Are you trying to help?!
Reno: Shut up you stiff ass Brit! Give me a minute to think. Let me put my light bulb above my head.
(After a minute the light bulb lights up above his head)
Reno: I got it! I know of somebody this whole city hates! BEL4!
Liquid: I underestimated you. You are evil.
Reno: Hmm, I thought you were gonna tell me something i didn't know.
Rude: So what. I can think of someone just as evil. Ol' short stuff himself. THEOREN FLEURY.
Reno: Damn!
Rude: San Jo hates him as much as BEL4. That little freak is gonna freakin terrorize those freakin do-gooders. Freakin A!
Liquid: We still need more people:
(Eleana and Scarlett sitting on the couch. Eleana polishing her lead pipe)
Eleana and Scarlett: We know of someone.
Liquid: Whom would that be?
Eleana: She is from Russia.
Scarlett: She is known as "The bitch who won't die".
Eleana: No matter how many times you shoot at her she just doesn't die. Mara Aramov
Scarlett: I don't think she's human. Have you ever played Syphon Filter? I don't remember seeing her in direct sunlight once during that whole game.
Liquid: (Smiling) Perfect! She's just like the IRS; a relentless bloodsucker. Hahahahah! We need a complete bastard though. A French Canadian maybe? Its wrong to be French. Its even worse to be French Canadian. Unless, you're Vinnie Damphousse, Mario Lemieux, J.F. Quintin, Ben Wagnon, or Martin Brodeur.
(Something clicks in Liquid's messed up mind.)
Liquid: Speaking of Lemieux. How bout Claude! Tha man is a bastard. He'll fit in wonderfully. And we can afford the three NHLers because of my investments I made into a small software company which was then, in 1976, based in Alberquerque now based in Seattle.
Reno: You wern't born until 1979.
Liquid: This is just a fanfic it doesn't have to make sense. Anyway, we still need to fill up the roster though.
Rufus: Yoo-hoo. I got something that'll fill up the rest of the roster.
All: What?
Rufus: This here. (Pulls out a bottle. On it it says Eric Lindros-Tyrant Pills. Just add water. "Umbrella, we make genetic mutations for a better future.")
Rufus: Watch this. (Sets a pill down. Puts water on it. It starts shaking. POOF!)
Rude: Holy Crap! Its a tyrant! And it looks like Eric Lindros! We're sure to win!
Eleana and Scartlett: We love Eric Lindros! Too bad its just a tyrant that looks like him. But that probaly won't matter.
Liquid: Dont get too attached to theses things will you. I need to get Fleury. (Calls New York Rangers.)
NYR: Hello how may I help you sir?
Liquid: Get Me Theoren Fleury. I wanna talk to him about......advertisment deals.
NYR: One moment please.
Fleury: AD contract?! :)
Liquid: No I just said that to get your attention. You still hate San Jo?
Fleury: Yes! I hate those bastards! Those people never give up!
Liquid: Then how bout you play in a game for us in San Jo.
Fleury: No dough. No show.
Liquid: 2 million?
Fleury: You got yourself a hockey player!
(Fleury is now on team)
Rude: I'll call Dallas.
Stars: Dallas Stars hockey organization.
Rude: Belfour, now! I got sumthin thats gonna make his day.
Stars: Hold on.
Belfour: What?!
Rude: You hate SJ right?
Belfour: .......just because I left.
Rude: They really hate you. In fact one dudes liscence plate says BEL4SUX.
Belfour: Dammit, the next time im there im gonna kill them!
Rude: Why wait till hockey season when you can do it now.
Belfour: What?
Rude: We are gonna play them in a hockey game. We're gonna get to drop someone.
Belfour: Really?! I'll play, but I want some money.
Rude: 3 million?
Belfour: You got yourself a goaltender!
(Belfour agrees to tend the goal)
Reno: Now to get that French Canadian bastard. Gimmie that phone.
Avs: Colorado Avalanche
Reno: I need to talk to that Frenchy Cunuck, NOW!
Avs: Hold on.
Claude: Bonjour.
Reno: You wanna make some extra money?
Claude: Money?!
Reno: 2 Million?
Claude: WEE WEE! What do you want me to do?
Reno: Just play hockey for our team.
Claude: You got yourself a Freanch Canadian enforcer.
Rufus: Well looks like we got ourselves a team. Everyone get sum rest. We need it before friday.
(Back at Skool's house.)
Skool: Ok the immunization's are done. Everyone get sum rest. We need to be ready to play on Friday.