'Falling,
my steps are getting smaller.
Fear is taking over my mind.'

Take Me As I Could Be

"Oh for goodness sake Harry, do you actually try to be this annoying or is it just a talent that comes naturally to you?" Nikki half-shouts in frustration as she storms out of the changing room and into the main office. He's hot on her heels, just as angry as she is that she can't, or won't, come round to his view of things.

They both see Leo sit up straighter and take note of what's going on, prepared to diffuse anything if slides and samples start getting slung across the room or something else equally ridiculous. They both ignore him.

Most of the time their equally-matched intellect and passion for getting to the bottom of cases is a match made in heaven, they can work together and prove why they're two of the best pathologists Leo has ever met. Sometimes, when they don't agree about the evidence they're examining, World War Three erupts and Leo doesn't like the idea of the case, the office or indeed himself getting caught up in the carnage that surrounds the blitz of words that act like bombs to destroy the other entirely.

For two people who are so obviously in love, they're pretty darned stupid about it.

They're at the point where they're literally shouting at each other, so he emerges from his office.

"What in God's name is going on?" he asks calmly but it's enough to stop them both in their tracks, mid shout.

"Would you like to tell Leo how ridiculous you're being, or shall I?" Harry asked brusquely and Leo thinks he sees Nikki flinch a little now that she herself has calmed down.

"I'm being ridiculous? I'm not the one who can't see past my own prejudices, Harry!"

"I am not prejudiced, I'm simply telling you what the information is telling me, and should be telling you if you'd stop trying to defend that bloody woman!"

Nikki is whispering quietly, angrily, Harry is still shouting, his fists clenched, disbelief written all over his face.

"Am I going to have ask again?" not for the first time, Leo felt like a headmaster and the lab felt like a playground.

"The Underdown case, Harry seems to have gotten it into his thick head that Julie Underdown must have killed her 8 year old son through neglect or maybe something even worse, just because she didn't bow to your apparent good looks and charm and I couldn't possibly imagine why," she said, speaking at first to Leo, then to Harry directly.

In return Harry seemed to look right through her, ignoring that she was talking straight at him, addressing his boss instead.

"No, Leo, it is not because of that, but an ape could see that the marks and abrasions on his arms and legs are signs of neglect at best and abuse at worst!"

"There is no evidence whatsoever that Dylan Underdown's death was anything more than a terrible accident, that woman is distraught and so is her daughter, how can you say that she had anything to do with it? If you accuse her on some ridiculous pieces of evidence you think you've found then she's going to lose two children in one fell swoop! Could you live with that?"

"I don't know, will you be able to live with yourself when Emily Underdown is on the slab next?"

"Harry!" Leo said sharply, "that's enough. Seeing as you two seem incapable of doing an objective examination on this one, it looks like I'm going to have to go and give a second – third – opinion. One of you can phone Janet and tell her why I'm not going to be at lunch. And for goodness sake calm down and grow up."

He walked off hoping that the two of them would just leave it at that. No such luck.

"So I'm an ape now am I?"

"That's not what I said."

"No it's what you implied."

"No, I said even an ape could see what the evidence was showing them. You seem incapable of even that right now. Is it because it's a child that's dead or because the obvious suspect is a woman?"

"I beg your pardon?" her voice was rising again, his was still at a crescendo.

"You heard me." He was storming off towards the door, jacket under his arm, fumbling for his car keys.

"Where are you going now for God's sake?"

"Out, anywhere, I can't deal with you when you're being this stupid!"

He regretted the words and the actions the moment the door slammed behind him, but he couldn't seem to stop himself, he paused and wondered if he should go back in, but he heard her strangled sob and was too much of a coward to witness the upset he had caused.

The moment the situation had diffused, Nikki felt weak and drained on the other side of the door. She heard Harry's footsteps pause as if he were thinking. She steels herself for him to come in and say something else equally rude and horrible, but he appeared to give up on it and just walk away.

She dropped her head to her palms and blinked back tears of frustration and anger, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. Why did they always do this to each other? It was hard enough that for the past few weeks Harry had seemed to be oblivious to her at best and hateful towards her at most. But how in God's name had she let herself fall for him? He was her colleague and, sometimes, when they got on, they were best friends too. Ever since her mother had died, Nikki had made sure that she never needed anyone. You couldn't trust other people, they let you down. They disappeared when the next big thing came along or they betrayed your trust. So how did she come to need Harry so bloody much?

'Believe me,
never thought I'd be here.
Always such a strong girl inside.'

All of the guys she'd liked in her life, it had never felt remotely like this. She had never wanted to spend all day with them, or wake up next to them every morning or talk about marriage or kids.

Kisses and touches and empty words with other men were just for fun and sex was just what couples did . But she longed to feel his lips against hers, and bury herself into him and let him hold her close and kiss her hair and lose herself entirely.

So this was love, was it? This was how it felt?

Well in that case then, love was bloody crap and she never wanted to feel it again. But even Nikki wasn't able to tell herself that it was that simple.

Maybe if they worked at it, it would be in time, but they just weren't ready yet. She was still hooked on flings with unsuitable men and him on sex with women that were far too young and mattered far too little.

'Rejection.
is supposed to make me harder.
But still I can't avoid the darkness
that comes creeping in.'

And she wondered if he cared that he was breaking her. Or if he thought that it was okay for him to do so. But deep down she knew that he probably didn't know he was doing it. Did that make it worse that she was so angry at him?

Recently, she'd been wondering when she'd let things go downhill so badly. All she'd ever tried to do was be the best that she could be. She'd tried to be the best at school in science class, then at university, then later as a pathologist. She was a perfectionist and had never, ever settled for less. At least, not when it came to the standards she set for herself to adhere to. And yet she had no-one, nothing but her job and some washed-up feelings for a colleague that probably didn't have the first clue about the things he did to her, both good and bad. Why had her own achievements never been quite enough?

'Perfection,
is all I've tried to reach for,
just leaves me disappointed each time.'

Just as she had started gathering some papers together to try and muddle a report out of the brain that currently felt if it had been rattled around her skull she heard the door open and turned around to find Harry standing there, looking pale and slightly shell-shocked. He couldn't have gone far.

"Nikki, listen I just wanted to say something about before."

"No."

"I just came back to – what?"

"I said no Harry. I'm tired of this, of us being at each other's throats, of everything. I've heard what you had to say and it's been a truly eye-opening experience, and I have to say, it's nice to know what you really think of me."

"You know that's not what I really think of you, don't be –"

"Stupid? You've already said that."

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry. I didn't mean any of it. It just, came out, I wasn't thinking, I never think when I'm that angry and it –. Well, it doesn't matter."

"What?" she asked softly and could have kicked herself. So that was it was it? She'd forgiven him already. Idiot.

"It scares me, Nikki," he replied plainly and his voice was so honest and true that it caught her off guard a little. "It scares me that I have literally never, ever thought anything of the like about you and I don't expect you to believe me right now, but it is the truth. It scares me that I wasn't aware of what I was saying or how I was acting or that I was shouting like a little kid. It scares me that no matter how often I try not turn into him, I do." It was his turn to bury his head in his hands and sigh. He dragged his fingers through his hair and looked at her beseechingly. "Be angry at me, ignore me for a bit, give me all your worst reports to type up, punch me in the face. Do whatever you like Nikki, but please don't believe a word of what I said."

She sighed. She was having a mental dilemma right now. She was really, really angry at him for taking out everything on her and for still thinking that he was turning into his father but she felt bad for him. She hadn't behaved much better herself. And before they had left the changing room, she had said some pretty horrible things to him. She was pretty ashamed of herself now she came to think about it.

'Take me,
take me as I could be,
not how I'm acting lately,
'cause it's not me.
It's not me.'

"Oh for goodness sake, what the hell?" she shrugged and he looked confused. "I'm sorry too. We were both acting like little kids. Leo was right, we need to grow up."

You'd catch more flies with honey than with vinegar after all.

He moved slowly over and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and kissing her hair. She blinked back another frustrated tear at the way her heart skipped when he held her. She knew she was probably wrong but it felt like it was going to be this way forever. And it felt like every time he got angry or found someone else to date and fill his time with and she was put on the shelf, she broke a little bit more. And every time she swore she'd had enough – that she'd give it all up. But she just forgave him every bloody time. She wondered if it made her weak, but there was something nicer and kinder in the back of her mind telling her differently. This was love, it was meant to be blind.

Get the landing net and take her home for tea. She was his; hook, line and sinker.

But then again, she didn't know that he was thinking exactly the same thing.

"You gonna forgive me at some point?" he asked and she could tell from his voice that he really, really needed this.

"Of course," she felt him sigh. "At some unspecified point in the future. After much grovelling. Woman's prerogative." He chuckled slightly.

"Friends?"

"That's pushing your luck a bit don't you think? But yes," she replied and she meant it.

"Best friends?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

'Forgive me,
just listen to my story.
'Cause anything I should be,
I will in time,
I will in time…'

-/-/-

A/N: Hello :-) I just wanted to write a couple of quick disclaimers about this fanfiction. Firstly, it's come about as me always noting down ideas I've had for SW fics, usually from songs or quotes, which is why they'll always have some kind of lyric or passage in them at some point – start, middle, or end – or maybe all three like this one. But basically, I'm going to compile them into a multi-chapter fic, rather than having loads of little oneshots dotted around. So it'll be like a little journey through moments of Harry and Nikki's lives, with a fair amount of Leo dotted in too. Or at least, I hope it will. The chapters will vary in length and subject with some more angsty and some more fluffy. So, it goes without saying, this will not be a story with a continuous plot (though I hope to get one of those up too), so if that's what you're expecting then I'm sorry but this will definitely disappoint you.

Secondly, I can't say how regularly it'll be updated. I have uni exams at the moment so for the next three weeks it might be quite slow, but for the four after that, I'm totally free, so it might be quicker.

Thirdly, I don't actually know the last time I wrote a fanfic, and it's certainly been too long for SW. I've only written one other fic for this fandom and I'm not really that keen on it anymore, so I hope I haven't destroyed the good name and high quality of this fandom with my presence! This will be un-beta'd so all mistakes are mine alone. Also, I've not quite got through all the stories in this fandom yet (but I must be like ¾ of the way!) so if any of the oneshots resemble anyone else's then I'm sorry, it wasn't intentional!

And finally, I really hope you'll enjoy this, and I will say now that anything recognisable such as place names, characters, situations, quotes or lyrics are not mine, I'm merely having fun with them – no stealing intended! And the author's notes will never normally be as long as this one, I promise!

So yeah, please let me know how you felt about this and I would be up for maybe trying my hand at any song/quote requests so if you have anything you'd want me to put in to stop this from become utter mindless, mushy, angsty H/N drivel then do let me know! Also, this song is one of my current favourites and yet is relatively unheard of, so you should all check it out, it's beautiful and makes me think of H/N every time!

Thanks for reading, please drop me a review with some comments!