"I was never really close with my grandmother. I mean was never at odds with her either but I was aware of a distance she held from people. Don't get me wrong she can be warm and always seemed intrested in what I have to say. Sometimes she won't say much but she will brush her hand against my scalp. Sometimes she places a hand against my cheek and just look at me with the small smile.
"You look so much like her" she said so softly one night.
We were sitting out on her porch in the middle of the summer. It was hot but the air smelled so sweet and we both didn't feel like being in the house where mom's last breath still lingered. She had been sick for sometime and in a selfish way we were hoping for her death, at least so she didn't have to be in pain. I hated crying in front of people, so did my Grandmother. We arn't big on crying in the Janeway clan. But she caught me sitting on the porch weeping as quietly as I could. She sat beside me and handed me a glass of wine.
"You know I can't…"
"It's just one small glass. It's good for the baby."
I took the glass and stared into the deep red liquid. She sniffed. She shifted and she looked on. We sat in the silence as we stared out into the Indiana plain. I felt the bitter liquid glide over my tongue. I swallowed the wine down with my emotions.
"Grandpa?"
"Resting."
I swallowed again but almost immidiately regurgitated it. I groaned wiping my mouth. Grandma chuckled.
"Your mother had trouble with the sickness when she was pregnant with you" she stated before chuckling again "I did with her as well. The whole time."
"Ah so I know which side of the family to blame."
"Once I got sick right into a priceless vase when at a banquet on Vulcan. Grandpa Tay had to sneak us out the back door as fast as possible."
I chuckled.
"Maybe a plus I don't have to impress dignitaries on the daily."
My Grandmother shrugged and once again we stared into the expanse before us.
"I'm a monster."
"I don't see fangs" she replied lightly to a comment I hadn't realized I had voiced.
"I'm so furious with her" I admit turning to the aging matriarch "I'm furious at her for dying. Im so mad I'm about to have a kid and my mom isn't here. But that's so stupid and unfair and…"
I turn from her ashamed of my tears. But in a moment of perhaps weakness of her own, my Grandmother pulled me into her arms and I listened to her sobs shudder in her chest. It was then the floodgates broke loose and I couldn't hold it back anymore. We wept like children. I buried my face into her shirt and she into my hair. When the tears finally started to subside I heard her say…
"You look so much like her. It's hard to see sometimes but I never want to look away."
I sit up and place a hand against my child tumbling in reaction to my grief. My Grandmother did as well
"I guess we woke the kiddo up" I say tearfully
"Apologies" Grandma replied giving my stomach light pat before placing a hand against my cheek "I guess we are both monsters but you'll be fine honey."
"Will you be?"
She never gave me an answer in which I feel was an answer in itself.
"Kath! I can't get a wink if the damn Doctor keeps calling!" Grandpa Tay called from inside.
"That damn hologram" Grandma grumbled before standing and storming off, placing our tearful moment behind us.
The only other time I ever had seen my Grandmother truely cry was right along with the first cries of my son. She smiled so bright when my squirming infant was placed in her arms and Grandpa Tay thanks me for that still today. It's so bitter sweet now, watching her patiently listen to my boy telling her all his thoughts in his indecipherable babble while lounging on the porch.
I have never been close to my Grandmother but in these moments, I hold her dear.