She stands in Rockefeller Centre Plaza looking up at the twinkling Christmas tree, with its crowning Swarovski crystal star shimmering down at her, the light breeze causing her hair to gently lap at her face.
Oh how she used to love coming to see the tree when she was little. Her whole family, her mom, her dad and baby Erik. They were such a happy family, or so she thought. Where had it all gone wrong?
Her mom, god! Where did she start? She couldn't even contemplate what she had done, sent a man to jail, ruined his life just so she could go to Constance? And now stab Chuck in the back and rip his company from under him. She realised that she really did not know her mother at all. The warm and loving woman of the last couple of years had been an act. She really was a cold-hearted shrew who only looked after number one.
Her dad, he left her for 15 years thinking that she was inadequate, that she had done something wrong, only to come back and devastate her family with his lies, to hurt her again and to destroy the best thing going in her life, her relationship with Nate.
Looking back now she could see that Nate was only looking out for her. That he was trying to protect her from the heartache he knew her father would deliver. But like the selfish little girl she was, she threw all his love back into his face, she cheated on him, broke his heart and left him. She was just like her parents. Cold-hearted, selfish and nasty. She didn't deserve Nate, heck she didn't deserve anyone never mind Nate who always saw past her faults and loved her for who she was. That didn't mean she didn't miss him every minute of the day, that she didn't regret her decision to leave him every heartbeat. But somewhere along the way she had convinced herself that it didn't matter how much she missed him, how much she wanted him. He was better off without her and she would leave him alone. That is why she drove the knife in even further by becoming closer to Dan. She tried to brush aside the crushing pain whenever she had seen him with Juliet. She put on a good show but deep down she knew that she would forever be in love with him. That he was the love of her life.
A snowflake fluttered down onto her nose breaking her from her revere. Looking around she noticed that the Plaza was empty. The people who had been milling about had probably gone home to they're families. But who did she have? Blair had gone to Paris to spend Christmas with her father, Ramon, her mother and Cyrus. Erik was at his boyfriends. Chuck was in New Zealand. The Humphrey's were back in Brooklyn and out of the question and she no longer cared where her mother was.
Sighing, she turned to make her way home leaving the magnificent tree behind her heading for 5th Avenue. As reached the corner of 5th she became aware of the masses of people heading up the steps of St Patrick's Cathedral, she realised it was nearly midnight. She was never one for religion, in fact the last time she had been in a church was for Bart's funeral but what did she have to loose. The snow was coming down thicker now. She pulled her coat tighter around her and headed for the Cathedral.
The church was packed with worshippers full of Christmas joy. The choir was already singing, candle light flickering off their faces. She managed to find a seat towards the front. Settling down in the pew she looked up at the grand chandelier and the stone carvings.
As the service started she was swept up, alone in her thoughts, not really noticing her surroundings simply enjoying the feeling of being amongst people filled with joy and happiness, something that was severely missing from her own life.
All the sudden the congregation rises breaking her inner musings. The person next to her turns offering her their hand "peace be with you" they tell her. She smiles and shakes their hand. The white headed man in front of her turns around, his blue eyes so very familiar, a warm smile stretches across his lips as he recognises her, "Serena, darling". There has always been something about this girl, this so called party girl that he has found endearing. She went against the grain. She was a free spirit and the love of his grandson's life.
Serena try's to mask her surprise and rising panic as she greats him "Mr van der Bilt", her upper east side breeding serving her well. Her eyes immediately searching for the blue eyes she so loves.
Nate sees her as he turns around. Blonde hair cascading down around her beautiful, if somewhat flushed face. To anyone else she would look the picture of serenity and calm. But her knows her. He can see the panic thundering in her azure eyes and it bothers him. What has her so worried? She peeks at him though her long eyelashes for just a second as their hands touch for the briefest moment but she lets go too quickly, turning to shake hands and share a warm smile with his mother. And it bothers him. Why can she not stand to even look at him, to touch his hand? What has he ever done to her but love her unconditionally?
He turns back forcing a smile onto his face as he shakes hands with those around him. But his mind is fuming. The service continues on around him. He stands when he is supposed to, he sings the carols along with everyone else but he is on autopilot. His head is full of the blond haired, blue eyed goddess behind him and that alone makes him angry. It's been 6 months since she left, since she made it abundantly clear that she was over him. So how dare she still invade his mind, how dare she sit behind him in church? Why, even on Christmas Eve could he not have any peace from her? Yet really all he wants to do was kiss her, hold her in his arms stroke her cheek and kiss her and if he thought that she would allow him that is exactly what he would be doing, church or no church.
As soon as her eyes land on his handsome chiselled face she feels like running. Running into his arms or as far away from his as possible? It's the internal battle that rages on inside her and has been so years.
She stares at him when he has turned to face the front, sees the rigid stance of his shoulders the stiffness of his posture, all so alien for him. He's normally so laid back and relaxed even in the most formal of occasions. Her shattered heart brakes a little further as she realises that she has done that to him. Her mere presence makes him uncomfortable. She managed to choke down the sob that tries to brake free. But all of a sudden she can't breath, she needs air, as the last few notes of "All Come All Ye Faithful" fill the vast Cathedral she excuses herself, pushing gently past people until the freezing air of the early Christmas morning hits her face. The snow is settling now and still falling. She reaches one of the pillars, leans against it hugging herself around her middle gasping for air.
"Serena." She whips her head around. There is standing in front of her, eyes steely face determined.
He had heard her leave behind him, had let out a snicker "how so very Serena" he thought to himself. Then he got mad. He wanted to know why she always had to leave, and why whenever she did, she had to take a piece of his heart with her. So he too excused himself and followed her, ignoring the confused looks of his family.
He saw her standing outside, snowflakes settling on her golden hair. "Serena" he demanded and she turned to him. As his eyes settled to her defeated form, her chest heaving for air the fight almost completely left him. All he wanted in that moment was to hold her. "Serena" he repeated again, more softly this time.
She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears a tired sad smile, almost grimace upon her lips. "I'm so sorry" she whispers.
Taking a step closer to her, his hands long to reach out for her, but he resists. "Sorry, for what?" he questions.
"For what I did, for hurting you, for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me." She turns away to look at the falling snow.
Nate is shocked into silent confusion. For the past 6 months he was under the impression that their relationship meant nothing more then a fling to her.
Only the distance organ melody fills the silence as they stand along upon the steps of St Patrick's.
"I wish…" she says after what feels like a lifetime. She speaks to no one in particular, as if she forgot that he was standing behind her. "I wish I knew how to love…"
He can stand it no longer, he walks in front of her, grabs her by the arms and ducks his head to look into her eyes. "What are you on about?" He questions, eyes filled with worry for beauty standing before him. His anger forgotten.
"I mean, I take your virginity, I screw my friendship up with Blair, I ruin a mans life, I hurt you with your own cousin, I finally get what I want only to brake your heart and my own, then I come back and hurt you, I hurt Dan by giving him false hope of something that was never going to happen. I'm just a whore, a selfish whore. I really am my parent's daughter!" By the end tears are rolling down her face.
Nate shakes her lightly, touches her face so that she is looking at him. He wipes a tear with his leather-gloved thumb. "Listen to me." He demands. "Firstly you are not a whore, don't you ever speak about yourself like that. I gave you my virginity, willingly" he tries to tease her. "You fixed your friendship with Blair, you didn't know what was happening with Ben, that is not your fault. And you've helped him now. Tripp and Dan, well who cares about them!" She smiles despite her tears.
"You are not your parent's daughter. Your problem is the opposite. You have too much love to give and sometimes you get carried away." He takes her head in his hands and watches for a second as the snow falls onto her nose. "And as for breaking my heart… yeah you did. I'm not going to lie it hurt, so much. But you know what, I don't regret a second of being with you."
The bells of the church start ringing. Nate smiles down at her. "It's Christmas." He whispers. "What do you want for Christmas Serena?" he questions.
"I…" she averts her eyes from his looking into the street but he coaxes her to look back at him. His eyes search her "Tell me." He demands, his voice is low, warm.
It's now or never she thinks. She can either finally go after the one thing she has wanted since she was a little girl or she can do what she always does…run.
"I… I want…" She looks into his deep blue eyes, his face so earnest. "I want us. But I'm scared that I'll mess us up again".
Nate feels as if his heart is going to beat out of his chest. He can scarcely believe that she is standing before him telling him everything he has dreamed of hearing for the past 6 months.
"It's ok. I won't let you mess up this time. I think I might hold onto you so tight that I never let go".
"That sounds perfect to me" she responds.
The two of them are so caught up in each other that they fail to notice the church bells ringing, the people starting to leave the church or the little girl who wonders up to them and tugs on Nate's coat. He looks down at the little girl not breaking his hold on Serena.
"You have to kiss her, your standing under mistletoe". She tells them sweetly.
The both look up to see a spring of mistletoe. Nates face becomes solom once more as he gazes into her eyes. "If we do this, you have to mean it. You'll have to stay and fight when things get difficult because I can't stand loosing you again."
She nods her head looking at the man before her "I love you Nate." That's all he needs to hear. He leans his head down and captures her lips with his own. Her arms reach around his shoulders hold him to her. They brake apart only when the need for air become too much. Resting his forehead against hers, hand caressing her face he answers her "I love you too."
She giggles and buries her head into his shoulder as his arms tighten around her. He looks around into the twinkling eyes of his Grandfather as he feels an arm settle on his shoulder. "I guess we're having an extra guest for Christmas, eh?" he says with a wink.