Summary: Two lost souls, wondering where they had gone wrong and why everything seemed to be dim. They only realized that their mistake was within themselves. Toko. Continuation of "Perfect Unreality". (Summary subject to change)
Note: Hey! It's awesome to be writing again after such a difficult writers block. Also, a HUGE thanks to all the reviews I got on Perfect Unreality! Though few and sparse, I appreciated them tremendously! Thank you! Also, there wasn't intended to be a… 'sequel' to Perfect Unreality, but I am deeply disappointed with the lack of Toko on here! ): So anyway, here is some for you Toko fans.
I recommend listening to "Brackett, WI" by Bon Iver and "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens as well, and also not entirely for the lyrics, but mostly for the vibe and sound.
Anyway!
A Thousand Days in Heaven
She was so beautiful.
Every word she spoke he worshipped like a scripture, bowing to her every whim.
And especially now, oh, especially now, he couldn't control her beauty. She was throwing her flags and splashing ink and paint over the canvas of his body, sighing against his skin with the most beautiful sound. Her hands were slight despite her headstrong nature and it felt like she was weaving silk. But she wasn't always this way. At first she gripped at his back, pulling his hair roughly in her pain, but she had a high pain tolerance and eventually she relaxed and began to enjoy the pleasure he gave her.
He could recall the taste of her mouth perfectly, the taste of her skin, the silkiness of her hair, the feeling of her perfect pale body beneath him in the dark. He could remember the quiet sound of the river behind him and the smell the wind carried when it past them like a quiet doe.
It was one of the few memories he wished he could keep with him always. The way she made him feel despite her experience was tangible to him now. It seemed to exude from his stomach every time he thought about it. It was almost painful, but he accepted and welcomed it.
Pulling his head down to her to passionately kiss his mouth, her smooth leg running over his backside, she whispered into his ear, "I will wait."
And opening his eyes, he found himself looking at the canopy of the gently swaying trees above him.
The third time he had that dream in two months and everything from it flew away like dust in the wind.
"I will wait."
The three simple, complex, words echoed in his mind, rebounding and racing and making his head spin. I will wait.
Wait for what? Wait for a purpose, wait for reason, wait for him? Surely not. She was not the patient type to wait, so why wait for him if he only left her a note as a memory of their sacred, forbidden night? She couldn't even read. Her blind eyes had not use for ink splashed on paper in structured, picture-like characters.
Was he foolish? Did he truly believe he could take back his country, a one-man army? She pumped all her confidence and faith into him to make him truly believe so. But with a country scathed and rampant with riots, he was an honest fool.
Was a he a coward? Leaving her alone on a riverbank after their 'hush-hush' act, one could easily point a finger and call him coward. But at the time, so courageous and confident, he believed he could do no wrong. He thought that leaving her without a goodbye was something to be admired. And it was. She believed he was taking her heed and taking his birthright on the throne, and that was what he whispered into her ear while she was still half-asleep, and saying it again in the note she couldn't read.
But then after awhile, after months of no news, no nothing, it felt like, to her, that he had disappeared. Used her to take her virtue—used her plain and simple. Her heart ached behind its stone wall, waiting for him to show his scarred face, but he would never show. At least not for awhile.
00
Zuko's country was in ruins.
He had sent a secret letter through the underground to his confidant in the palace, an old friend named Zhuang, one that he could trust form his days as Fire Lord. Zhuang sent a letter back explaining to him in slight, coded detail about the council who had overthrown him. He told that the council was deemed unfit for power the citizens, coincidentally the same words they imposed on Zuko when they dethroned him. The palace was raided and the council murdered. A fight for position ensued, and many opted to place his sister on the throne but she was kidnapped in her sleep in the mental hospital and no one had heard of her since. Zhuang said there is no one on the throne and no healthy family member to take it for Ozai had come down with typhus, currently waging throughout the prisons.
Nobles were being murdered left and right for false accusations and fear they would claim too much power. Famine was beginning to plague and hundreds were dying. The Avatar had of course come to aid, but what could he do with no Fire Lord in place?
Zhuang's letter ended there and Zuko dropped the paper, shivering with absolute horror. He felt himself want to vomit on his empty stomach; he felt absolutely sick. He couldn't comprehend what destruction his country, his home, had gone through in so few months. It happened like the flick of a match.
However, Zhuang advised Zuko not to return until the Avatar had got a hold of the Fire Nation and settled its riots. So Zuko took the chance to shy away from his shame and wander like he had been doing for the past two months since he left the riverside. And to his shock, he thought nothing of her at all. For three weeks not a single image of her beautiful pale skin or pink lips dashed across his mind. Upon arriving to Ba Sing Se, however, that changed quickly.
"What have you heard of Toph? Or Sokka, if I remember correctly," Uncle asked casually, brewing a pot of white jasmine tea.
It hit him like a wave from the ocean, suffocating and pressing down on his chest like a hundred pounds of weight. His throat went dry and his heart raced like a herd of elephant horses. He closed his eyes and it came rushing back to him again. Her sweet, quiet moans, her hands in his hair, the taste of her luscious mouth. The feel of her skin beneath his, the connection he felt. It was so powerful Uncle had to pull him out of his reverie.
"Zuko?"
"What?" he asked, discombobulated like he was just sleeping.
"Have you heard of anything from your friends?" Uncle poured some tea into white handle-less cups, steam rising from the clear, creamish colored liquid.
Zuko looked at how the steam rose, somewhat resembling what he imagined to be a ghost or a spirit. "No," he said simply, keeping his eyes away from his Uncle to the table.
Uncle Iroh didn't touch much more on the subject, gently blowing on his tea. "I've heard news about the Fire Nation," he said calmly but seriously. "It has disassembled quite a bit since you were overthrown, hasn't it, nephew?"
"More than I'd wish to think," Zuko closed his eyes again, the subject even making him feel queasy.
"You are extremely unsettled, nephew. Please don't hide it from me. I am old, but I know you better than anyone."
Zuko put his cup down shakily and Iroh didn't fail to notice the few drops that jumped out onto the table. Zuko bit his lips to find his composure, drawing his shaking hands into his lap to hide them, but he found he couldn't hide anything when it came to his Uncle. He brought his hands to face and pulled at his hair, wishing to cry but he felt sick.
"People are dying. Riots. Murders… Uncle. Nobles. Mai could be one of them. Oh—Gods," Zuko heaved a sob and Iroh was suddenly there to comfort him even though Zuko never shed a tear.
"Yes. It's horrible," Iroh whispered into his hair, comfortingly rubbing Zuko's shoulder.
"I-I need to go back. I need to go," Zuko sputtered, sitting up from Iroh and looking around disorientated.
"No, Zuko. You will be murdered right when you step onto that dock," Iroh took his nephew's shoulders and turned him to stare directly into his face. "People want your head—"
"For leaving them! Again! Uncle, don't you understand? I can't let myself be so dishonoring, much less sit around and watch them die," Zuko bellowed passionately, his eyes shimmering wetly.
"I understand what you must be feeling, Zuko, but to go back now is suicide!" Iroh responded just as well and Zuko had nothing to say. Iroh looked back at their still steaming cups and sighed slowly through his wrinkled nose. There was nothing that time or age could do to settle his nephew's brashness, and Iroh fully understood that and he never tried to change it, but sometimes he wishes he could knock some sense into him.
Zuko had gone through so much turmoil and pain Iroh was genuinely surprised he hadn't had a mental breakdown yet. Unfortunately, Iroh feared this could be the bend in the road to lead to that breaking point that he always knew would come some time or another. But Zuko soaked up Iroh's word like sponge, some not all true, but most coming from Iroh's own contemplations and reflections on life, and thankfully this was Zuko's salvation. Iroh would keep turning the wheel until someone else, a substantial figure, could keep it spinning for him. Iroh had hoped it would have been Mai because Zuko melted at her feet for months, but she was quite out of the question. So all he had to do was wait and pray some lovely woman would come around with Zuko on her arm to compliment his tea.
Feeling suddenly confined and strapped down like an anchor, Zuko muttered something along the lines of 'going out' and stormed down the stairs in loud thumps. Walking outside, it was already dark, but the humidity only dimmed a bit when the sun went down. He only arrived at Uncles a couple of hours ago, but he could already hear the crickets singing as the lamps were lit, all the owls emerging into the night. Ba Sing Se came especially alive during this time, bars and exclusive clubs starting to fill up with their nightly customers, street musicians playing their Tsungi horns and bamboo flutes, vendors shouting out quick fixes for sleepiness and some even carrying trays of liquor for two bronze pieces a bottle.
Zuko roamed these streets, watching people pass by him without so much as second glances; couples holding hands, children being pulled by their wrists to go to bed, some wild band of hippie musicians twirling and spinning throughout the street. It was a lively place, but Zuko received no special energy from it. Just memories he'd rather forget. Betraying Uncle here still stained his subconscious, being hounded by Jet, but there were some memories here and there that made his mouth want to twitch upward in an unfamiliar smile. Such as Uncle's teashop and how he enjoyed working there, one of the last get-togethers that also occurred there with the creation of Sokka's horribly portrayed 'art work' that was stashed somewhere in Uncles apartment to prevent further embarrassment.
"Lee!"
And her, of course.
Though it wasn't his name, Zuko had got used to that being his name for quite some time and he would respond to it sill when directed at him, such as this. Zuko turned around to search for the source of the voice, but upon turning around did he see one bushy-haired girl running his way. His memory was fuzzy, but she looked oddly familiar.
"Lee, is that you?" Jin came up panting, carrying a basket of last-minute shopping items.
Oh, right. "You can call me Zuko." He wished he would disappear. His 'date' with Jin was humiliating. She kissed him and he just left like an idiot. Ugh.
"Zuko?" then realization dawned on her face like a blooming cherry blossom. "Zuko. You're Zuko," he could do nothing but nod. "Well, that would make sense. You didn't seem like a Lee anyway. It's kind of a dorky name," She laughed and Zuko smiled a bit. He actually felt himself relaxing.
"So what have you been up to?" He asked kindly, if not a bit awkwardly. She seemed delighted by this.
"Oh, nothing much, you know. Just hanging around, helping mom out. Same old, same old. But you," she poked him in the chest with the finger of the hand that wasn't holding onto the basket on her hip. "have to elaborate on what you've been doing."
"I haven't done anything."
"Yes you have! Saving the world, defeating the bad guys. Everybody knows. Unfortunately the recent stuff hasn't gone too hot."
It certainly hasn't. "No," and the pit in his stomach welled up all over again. It felt like a constant weight.
Jin furrowed her thin brows in a way that reminded Zuko of Toph. When she did that, her little nose would wrinkle on top, just as Jin's did. He felt time slow as he remembered it, but sped up again just as Jin began to talk. "Don't get all mopey on me, mister. Have you eaten yet?
Just as she asked this, and in perfect timing, Zuko's stomach growled. "No, I guess not. I just arrived here today and I haven't had a chance to eat," Zuko smiled bashfully and Jin laughed.
"Come on," She pulled on his sleeve and walked past him. "I'll make you some dinner."
Thoroughly surprised, Zuko followed along behind her, continuing to pull on his sleeve until they turned a corner, then Jin opted to walk beside him. Her little mouth had a ghosting of a smile, but bright enough to catch Zuko's good eye. There wasn't much of her that changed, he decided when his memories came back to him, but if anything she tamed her hair a bit. She was actually very pretty, but… she didn't seem like enough. Not as pretty as her.
"I had plans to pretty much do some rice and a stir fry if that's okay with you. My mom likes my cooking better than hers so she makes me do it every night. I don't mind it though. I like to cook," She said cheerily with a little bounce in her step.
"I can't cook at all. I can burn food. It's my uncle that's the cook," Zuko looked down and watched his boots pass under him as he walked.
"Your uncle is so sweet. He's nice to everyone. And he makes the best ginseng tea—ever. I still go there sometimes to say hi." She let out a tinkling laugh and readjusted the basket on her hip. "Remember that date? Gods, you were so funny!"
Zuko had to smile a bit, a blush creeping its way onto his cheeks. Remembering how awkward and strange he was, he joined in her laughter and they laughed all the way down the street.
"Your hair when you walked out, Zuko…" Jin couldn't finish, too wrought with laughter.
"I said no when he did it, but I was glad you messed it up." Running a hand through his thick hair, he noticed it was much longer now than it ever has been. There were strands tickling the muscle of the juncture between his neck and shoulders and some of his bangs got into his eyes, it was forever choppy and messy. No amount of shampoo would ever tame his mop of dark brown hair.
"Ohh, Gods, I can't even get into it. I'll wet myself." She sighed and let him down another street.
Looking at all the houses and the roofs, the green and yellow emblems, the paper screens, everything seemed so familiar. Actually, this whole area looked so familiar to him it felt like for years had never passed. He remembered walking down these streets in the second ring of Ba Sing Se, running errands for Uncle, doing all sorts of things. It was very nostalgic. It was before he turned against his uncle, before he joined Azula, before he ever betrayed the Fire Nation, his home, to join and aid the Avatar; so long ago when things were much simpler, but much darker as well. He felt so heavy all the time like there was a tangible weight on his whole body. Everything seemed dimmer, more bleak.
But at least he moved on from that emotional turmoil stage of his, and for that he was thankful. He just understood the way everything was in life than before, and he definitely now takes a much calmer approach. More Buddha-like. Without the belly.
Jin led him down a side alley and the first door on the right she slid open and welcomed him inside. Immediately when he walked in, the smell of ginger and jasmine hit his nose like he had never smelled anything else before. It smelled so good; it wasn't thick and heavy, just light, barely there. Now, in retrospect, he could see Jin's home smelling like this.
Zuko slid off his boots and Jin took her tiny shoes off and led him out of the small stone-floored entry way into a small but handsome house perfect for a small family. Shining dark wood covered the floors and beautiful rugs made up for carpet. Vases with some pretty pink flowers sat on a side table along with some books and scrolls, and in the living room he could stacks and stacks of books.
Jin must have seen him gape at the piles as they walked by because she laughed once they entered the kitchen, and she set the basket of food on a stone counter. "My mother's an author. She writes books for a living. But she's gone now at a friend's house and she won't be back until late, drunk I'm sure."
"What kind of books does she write?" Zuko asked, helping Jin unload the basket, placing vegetables in the sink to be washed.
"Pretty much just research books. That's why she has so many. And biographies," Jin took a sack of rice and brought it over to a stack of shelves on the other side of the kitchen where they kept jars of sugar and salt and spices. "Right now, I think she's doing a biography on a retired Earth Kingdom General. I don't know, I don't really pay attention."
Zuko nodded and they both fell silent. Turning the tap on the sink, somebody had already pumped water for the clear water came spurting out onto his hands into the bucket. He washed the cabbage and the carrots, and getting to the beans a question popped into his head. "You don't seem bothered that I lied to you."
"About what?" Jin asked from the small pantry where she was rifling for a pot, clanking metal and pattering sounds almost overcoming her voice.
Zuko put down the beans and the small knife he used to cut off the ends and walked over to the pantry and put his hand on the frame of the sliding paper screened door. "That I lied to you about being an Earth Kingdom citizen and actually being Fire Nation. Lying about my name. Being in a traveling circus." He had to snort at that one.
Jin stopped making so much noise when he appeared, holding a pot in her arms while watching him talk. She smiled when he made his joke, but looked at the floor boards after. "I don't know. I kind of knew you weren't from the Earth Kingdom. Or a circus. And couldn't juggle because you sucked," they chuckled together before Jin started again. "It bothered me at first a little, but I don't really care. Everybody has things to lie about."
"You haven't lied."
"Yeah, actually, I have. I lied about being a good cook. I'm not the best, but I'm decent." She smiled bashfully and Zuko decided she looked cute holding that pot and looking like that, but he didn't say anything about it.
Then, suddenly, some pans started shifting and moving and one fell to the floor. "Aah!" Jin shouted, and in a panic, she turned around and put her arms up to stop any more pans falling, pushing the pot she was holding against the shelf with her stomach. Zuko jumped in and caught some more pans from falling.
"I'm sure we look like we're doing jumping jacks," Jin giggled and Zuko chuckled, taking some down to readjust.
"Here," He said and carefully wove his arms between Jin and the rest of the pots and pans to avoid grazing his arm on her chest. He took the edges of the pot she was pushing against the shelf and set it down, reaching up to take down the ones she was holding up.
"Thanks," Jin said and they began rearranging the cookware.
Zuko was tallest, so he was able to stack them taller without having to hop like a rabbit as Jin did. She handed him the pans and pots he asked for, but when it slipped it slipped his notice one began to slid and both Zuko and Jin reached up to catch it.
Caught in a suspended moment in time, they were almost cheek to cheek, and both blushed furiously. Neither moved, however. Jin's eyes averted to Zuko's mouth for a quick second and this time he didn't fail to notice. He pursed his lips together and searched her eyes, bright and sparkling, but she pulled away before he could read too much of her emotions.
"I should get… dinner started," and with that, she backed out of the pantry.
Zuko closed his eyes and sighed, laying his forehead on the side of a big pot. He was like that for a few seconds then he looked to move the pot back into place that had begun to slip. He finished stacking and rearranging the cookware so it fit all nice together and wouldn't fall over. When putting up one last big tray on the top shelf, he heard Jin shout from the kitchen.
"Ow!"
He turned and left the small room to see what was wrong, seeing Jin holding her hand in a spare rag, her brows angrily pushed together. Jin wasn't an angry type of person, so this caught Zuko's attention right away, seeing her leaning against the counter with her head tilted back. Zuko came up to her and reached out for her hand.
"What happened?" he asked quietly and pulled away the rag from around her pointer finger, bleeding from a cut near her nail.
"I cut my finger. Stupid me," she said with a whisper, little bit of the cheer in her voice gone.
"No…" Zuko took her hand and dipped her hand in the bucket full of water in the sink he had filled. She took a sharp intake of air in quick pain but he took it out dabbed at her finger with the cloth.
Her hand was somewhat limp in his but she tried keeping taut for him so he could wash some blood away. Zuko remembered doing much the same thing for the stubborn Earthbender so many months ago, and it brought back so much it was hard to concentrate, his stomach twisting in knots. His hands became a little shaky as he remembered her pale, smooth, soft skin that felt like silk. Zuko closed his eyes for a moment, and for a second he could imagine her looking over her shoulder, her arm holding her chest and her beautiful, long black hair falling down her back like a river. It shone even in the fire's light.
Opening his eyes, he saw Jin watching him, her dark eyes almost worried. "Are you…" she trailed off.
"I'm fine." He went back to tending to her finger in a more hurried fashion, ripping off a strip of cloth from the rag.
"Zuko…"
Just as he was about to tie it around her finger, Zuko looked up at Jin when she said his name. She whispered it, barely ghosting past her lips, and he realized it was very familiar—she said it in almost exactly the same way. His beautiful Earthbender he left alone with a note. But he wasn't thinking about that when he kissed Jin full on the mouth. He was thinking of his name her lips, and how beautiful it sounded when Toph said it.
Jin quickly absorbed herself into the kiss, something she never truly received from him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He kissed very well despite the cheap one they shared before, but she could too. Jin was no stranger to kissing, especially since her ex-boyfriend had a couple of girlfriends before her so he had taught her well. But Zuko, oh—he certainly almost overwhelmed her.
Jin pulled away and looked into Zuko's eyes, jumping between the slit one and the other, narrowed and shimmering. "What are you doing?" She asked in a hushed, heavy voice, her face full of question.
"I don't know," Zuko breathed out and pressed his mouth to hers again, pushing her against the counter.
It grew heated quickly. Jin unwound her arms and pulled at his hair gently, and Zuko lifted her up onto the counter. He planted heavy kisses on her neck, and opening up her dress a little he had access to her collarbone and upper breastbone to kiss. Her fingers were wild in his hair, rubbing his scalp and gently twisting the strands, pressing his head closer to her while she sighed into the air, arching her back and slipping her sleeves off. Underneath revealed a strapless, tight shirt much like Toph had worn without the straps of cloth.
Zuko lifted his head and swallowed, looking up into Jin's face as she looked down at his. Something past between them that swung the doors wide open to let the beasts roam. Jin pulled Zuko's shirt off his shoulders and he untied the belt holding her dress shut. He pulled the strapless shirt over her head and kissed in between her breasts as Jin fumbled to untie his belt. His pants pooled around his ankles and he stepped out of them, Jin hooking her ankles around his back as he heaved himself into her.
Jin pulled Zuko's head into her neck as he bit her lip, almost making a hole. Sex for the first time definitely hurt, and Jin actually let a few tears shed but she never cried out. Zuko simply kissed her tears as they fell down her olive cheeks, holding her so close and so tight to him that if he were to step away from the counter she would be attached to him like glue. He purposely squeezed her breasts harder than necessary so she could focus her pain on another part of her body because he imagined it very painful. Even her being so tight almost hurt him.
He was just as careful as he was with Toph, but now he knew some techniques for his second time around. Once he got her to moan his name, he pushed her backward so her shoulders rested against the wall. Jin's face was red and hot, her lips were slightly parted and eyes glazed over as he visibly saw the pain begin to leave her. He took her leg and tossed it over his shoulder and leaned in further to offer a lazy smile.
This was not making love. Mindless sex was what it was, and, honestly, Zuko could care less. He felt a bit of sympathy well up inside him for Jin because he was merely using her, and that was blatantly obvious. Jin was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to him. And he felt guilty for that. But he didn't know how else to let out his pain because everything failed him in the past. This was the only way he knew how to remind himself of her for she was gone now, lost to the wind. It could be called self-torture, but he oddly found comfort in it, although the real thing would send him going mad.
There was a loud laughter outside a quite bit later, and Jin stopped smiling and directed her attention towards the front door. Zuko stopped thrusting and followed her gaze, letting go of her wrists and suddenly panicking. Shit! he thought as his ears seemed to move to pick up more sound.
"Xia! It was so fun…," a voice slurred not too far away, maybe just outside.
"Come on!" Jin said in a harsh whisper and jumped off the counter and gathered their clothes, and taking his hand, she led him up the stairs just as Jin's mother stepped inside.
"Jin!" she called, laughing at herself when she almost fell trying to take her shoes off.
"What!" Jin yelled back and giggled as she and Zuko jumped into her bed, Zuko hiding beneath the covers.
"Who's… who's here?" Xia tripped over Zuko's boots and caught herself on the doorframe leading into the hallway and started climbing the stairs. "You've got a boy here, Jiin…," Xia drawled on in a teasing voice, and at the top of the stairs she took a sharp turn to her left and hazily saw her daughter beneath her deep purple sheets, looking mischievous with a curiously huge lump next to her.
"Oh, yeah, Lee's here," Jin said once she saw that her mother was mindlessly drunk and wouldn't remember a thing by morning.
Zuko peeped his head out and used the tips of his fingers to wave at her and Jin burst out laughing. "Well, don't have too much fawn!" Xia laughed too and stumbled down the steps.
Zuko and Jin giggled before continuing like nothing had happened. Zuko rolled on top of Jin and pulled her hair loose of it's bind, her hair laying over the pillows like a fan.
What an asshole. What an inconceivable, lying asshole. If there was anybody she wanted to punch more in the face, smash to the ground, it had never been as strong as it was now. Right now, she could probably kill him, or at least have him hang onto life by a thread and then kill him. But either way, he needed a good punch to the face.
She gave herself to him. Everything she had, she handed it over to him on a silver platter and he accepted it heartily, ravishingly. And it was so incredibly, incredibly hard to do, but she had trust for him. He was a good man. At least until a couple months after, now, he was a lying piece of shit. A waste of space. Somebody she didn't even need to think about—but she found her self doing just the opposite.
She thought of him all the time. She thought of his beautiful face in her hands, his wonderful kisses all over her body, his rough, deft hands in her hair. He was so gentle and affectionate everything from that night stained her subconscious. She could even recall the smell of the wild flowers near her hair and the sound of the trees moving in the breeze. She could remember the way it hurt, but also the way he made her feel. Like she could fly, defy anything. She felt so wonderful, so beautiful, that he was giving himself to her, and only her, that single intimate moment.
Toph would quietly hold his letter to her chest when she was alone, feeling at once girly and lovesick, but she didn't care. The note was a small reminder of what they shared together, and his material promise written in characters of his return to her.
What a grand liar he was.
He left her on that riverbank with a faint whisper and a parchment she couldn't read, and nothing was heard from him since. Even another note would be better than nothing. He's chicken shit, she told herself for a couple of weeks, then it turned into He's a goddamn prick, or, What an asshole. It wasn't uncommon for her to become lost in thought and have her thoughts and emotions turn physical, often giant boulders smashed into nearby walls. Villagers were shocked at first, but once she passed through a town a couple of times everyone turned a blind eye.
Toph traveled much of the time. The longest she ever stayed in a single city or town was four days, and that was a major port to the Fire Nation and other faraway places. After Zuko's departure from the river she went here and there but she was drawn to this place in hopes she could catch him leaving for his country of when the time came when he called upon her she could leave in two seconds flat. But within four days her patience grew thin and she left. All she knew what to do was wander. There was nothing for her here, in her home country. She found no purpose. She only wanted to be with him for everything felt pointless.
Toph hadn't seen or heard from her friends in four months four months, one month after her and Zuko's get-together, until one day a hawk perched on a low hanging tree branch near her and squawked at her to take the package off its back.
"Hawky?" Toph said once she realized the familiar birds' presence. If anyone else was looking at it they would see only a regular Fire Nation hawk delivering notes and small packages. Toph knew it was Sokka's beloved bird she had used to send a letter to her parents. And, by the way, she got a small letter back but I was short and cold. Her parents clearly hadn't forgiven her yet at that time, two years ago. Toph hadn't thought of sending another one back.
Toph went up to Hawky and opened the small cylindrical case on his back and took out a rolled up piece of parchment with something holding it closed around it. She took off the beaded string that kept the parchment rolled and realized it was a bracelet made with tiny shells and small glass beads.
"Hm," Toph furrowed her brows as Hawky shook his feathers. So Sokka obviously hadn't sent this. "Katara." Toph whispered with a laugh, a warm feeling settling in her stomach for her closest friends' random act of kindness. She missed them.
Toph slipped the bracelet on her left wrist, clinking and jangling against the thick leather bracelet she wore on both wrists, and rolled open the letter. She traced her fingers over the paper and, with careful visualization, she felt the figure of Appa and some sticks sitting on top. Okay, that was Sokka drawing this. Toph laughed as she thought of different ideas for why her friends would send her this suddenly and randomly. And how could Hawky find her? Whatever. Toph could care less. She hadn't cared much about anything lately.
And then an idea popped into lovely head. She slipped off the bag that slung over her back and pulled it open, kneeling to dig through and toss out old things. "Of course it's at the bottom," she muttered when she found her hidden treasure after dumping out all the contents. She ran her deft hands over everything to find the paper flier she was handed a day ago.
Of course paper meant nothing to her, but she had an urge to keep it. It was a flier of a new play coming out that was an award-winner and the "Earth King's favorite!" as the person was shouting when he shoved it into her hands. She got it in the town of Guan-Lo, so she thought that would be of use to her friends.
Messily and hurriedly, she folded the already crumpled flier and shoved it back into the case on Hawky's back. "Go back to Sokka. Go!" and he flew off with a squawk.
As Toph heard Hawky fly away, an old feeling of hope swelled up inside her as she exhaled. Better.
00
"You know, I thought you couldn't see pictures," Sokka said as he observed the magnificent piece he drew for Toph to decipher a week ago. "But I thought this was the best way to find you."
"I've gotten better at it. I've always been able to feel pictures, I guess; if that makes sense." Toph laughed, then shoveled Katara's delicious cooking into her mouth.
"Well, we found you, and that's all that matters." Katara replied with a brief smile on her face, stooping over the broiling pot over the fire.
"You disappeared! We thought we almost couldn't find you at all," Suki said, sitting next to Sokka with her feet laid over his lap as he rubbed them. She could have almost perfectly balance her bowl of soup on her giant protruding belly; she was huge. It was a wonder she hadn't gone into labor yet.
"I think I made too much…," Katara whispered to herself , puckering her lips in thought, peering into the pot.
"You always do. And then you pour it down our throats." Toph said with a smirk.
"Well—you've gotten skinny. I need to fatten you up." Katara retorted, and Sokka sniggered.
Toph rolled her eyes but couldn't resist a smile. She leaned back against the rock she was sitting against, turning her attention over to Suki and Lover-Boy. Suki had just handed Katara her bowl for the fourth time, completely polished. "Great Gods, woman," Toph laughed. "How much are you going to eat?"
"Appa," Sokka blurted, and then received a punch in the shoulder from his wife.
"I could eat all day; I am eating for two of us."
"Yeah… yup," Toph nodded, unable to fully comprehend the mass of food she was eating, and for two people. Well, woman and unborn child.
"Katara's gotten better at cooking, I'll admit. I remember when she used to overcook blubber jerky," Sokka said with a fuzzy-rimmed smile. Katara threw him a playful warning 'watch-your-ass' look.
"She burnt me breakfast a couple weeks ago," Suki chimed in and laughed when Katara threw the same look upon her.
"Let's all make playful, joking comments about Katara's horrendous cooking; sounds like fun!" she said in a mock-happy voice, but she couldn't fool anybody that she was hiding a smile.
"We're not making fun of you, we're just saying how much you used to suck," Toph grinned and they all laughed a little.
Silence set in for a little bit, and they all soaked up the energy of just being together again, minus Aang and Zuko. Two long years really takes a toll on everyone after awhile, and once they reunited about a day ago it was like a whole lifetime had passed, but it also felt like nothing had ever changed.
Tears and giant hugs were shared, Toph's utter shock at Suki's pregnancy (but then again, not really; she always knew she and Sokka would breed like platypus-rabbits), and how Katara was now only maybe a couple of inches taller than her now instead of almost a foot. Sokka, on the other hand, had definitely buffed up a bit. Not too huge, just a bit more toned, but he wasn't so scrawny and nerdy looking anymore, and he had arms to top Hakoda's. Sokka had let his hair grow out a bit after much pestering from Katara and Suki, but it was still closely cut to his head, but long enough to flip up a bit at the nape of his neck. He still had his 'wolf's tail', of course, and he often forgot to shave even though he touched his face only twenty times a day.
Suki didn't grow upwards—she grew outwards. She was in her ninth month and Katara said she was due very soon, but her baby did not want out. Toph had a feeling she was pretty and glowing like people said pregnant women do. Suki had grown her hair out a little as well, but just long enough to grace her shoulders just barely, however she kept it relatively short compared to Katara or even Toph. Suki generally seemed to enjoy her pregnancy, except for her throwing up in the earlier months, but she was fine and perfect as ever now.
As for Katara, she was as stubborn as she ever was. Her hair was still bushy and wavy, and all her attempts to tame it were feeble against the wild mass of it, but she kept it long down her back. She still had hair loopies intact, gathering at a round bun behind her head, and from that her hair almost went outwards. She grew a bit taller, gained a curvier physique, and her features became much softer, almost mother-like, but more mature. However, it was clear to everyone that Aang's absence was wearing her down, evident by the airy, distracted tone of her voice.
She told Toph almost immediately after they exchanged hugs that Aang was gone pulling the Fire Nation back together after almost imploding with riots. She told her that it wasn't good; that news back was getting worse and worse, and coming after longer stretches of time. She said that Zuko was nowhere to be found, and no news of his arrival in the Fire Nation had ever reached Aang. He sent word to all the nations to find the lost Fire Lord at all costs, and that was two weeks ago.
Toph just listened and nodded with quiet understanding. She didn't try to understand now did she think about it. She pushed it away, to the deep storages at the back of her mind, and focused her attention on everybody else. She didn't want to think of Zuko or anything Fire Nation, for that matter. She just needed to relax, but even that was hard to do.
Toph sighed and set down her bowl and crossed her legs, pulling them close. "So when did you two finally get married?" she asked in a quiet voice.
Suki furrowed her brows and looked at Sokka, her spoon still in her mouth. She pulled it out and said," I think like two months ago? Three, four?"
"It was six," Katara answered for her with a tiny smile.
"Oh. Yeah, six," Suki nodded in thanks toward Katara. "My memory's gone from me."
"Was it in the South Pole?" Toph asked.
"Nope. It was on Kyoshi Island. Suki wanted it quick and private, so we just did it there. It was also kinda rushed. Sorry we didn't let you know, Toph. Not even Aang or Katara found out until Katara picked us up on her way here," Sokka said, Suki's feet still in his hands. "I don't think even Aang knows."
"He doesn't," Katara said in a low voice, stirring the contents in the pot.
Nobody said anything in regards to her melodramatic response. Toph sighed and scratched her head. "None of us are good at communicating with each other." Yup, true statement. They still don't know I came across Zuko and slept with him—and they won't find out either.
Suki yawned and Sokka sent her to bed, pulling her up to stand and to help her wobble over to Appa's tail where the couple claimed to sleep. Sokka shouted back that he was pitching in for the night with Suki to go to bed, leaving Toph and Katara alone to the fire. Neither talked for a long time, listening to the sounds of the fire and Sokka's faraway snoring. Katara stored the soup away for dinner tomorrow and washed all the bowls and spoons in the nearby river while Toph twirled the ends of her hair between her fingers.
"You know, sometimes I wish Zuko was just a big coward but I know he's not. He's the least cowardly person out of all us, except for you. You and Zuko are actually very much alike when you think about it, actually," Katara said quietly, sitting a couple feet away from Toph, holding her knees to her chest.
Toph's heart sort of raced, and her mouth went a little dry. Thanks, Katara, you dummy. "Are you saying you want to think of me as a coward?" Toph spoke even though she wasn't really thinking, her mind focused on Elsewhere.
"No, not at all. I just wished Zuko was so he would at least have a reason to not return to the Fire Nation," Katara then buried her mouth in her knees, her eyes still peeking over them to the fire.
Toph bit her lip and thought, still hazy, then just blurted it out. "When I saw him a couple months ago, I told him he needed to go back. He said he would, but obviously he can't now because of all the riots," Toph was an honest and heart-felt person and always spoke her mind despite her attempts to hide it, and she always ended up telling Katara everything anyways. She found it incredibly hard to hide anything from her. They shared so many secrets together and Toph valued her trust more than anything, so she felt like she was doing it wrong by hiding this vital secret from her. But, of course she didn't need to tell her everything.
Katara lifted her head and her eyes widened just a bit. She let her hands fall to the ground, her mouth almost doing the same. "You saw him? When?"
"Two months ago,"
"Did he say where he was going?" Katara would do anything to lighten the load on Aang, and the Fire Nation, even if it meant interrogating Toph.
"No. He left the next morning. I have no idea where he is," this pulled at Toph's heart a little and she felt like suddenly crying, realizing how weak and powerless she was to find him.
At this, Katara fell oddly silent. She wrapped her arms around her legs again and hid her mouth. "Gods," she said, defeated, and then buried her face away. "I just wish we could find him."
Toph sat there, feeling her best friend almost shrink, becoming so small. "Me too," Toph whispered and felt the fire's warmth on her shins, the wind blowing the heat away like dust in the desert.
Zuko looked onto Jin's sleeping form, her long and smooth back facing him, hair wild and messy on the pillows. He watched her slowly breathe; in… out… in… out; and he let his restless mind wander.
He knew he was an asshole. He knew he was being cheap and disgusting, and it settled deep in his stomach and he couldn't push it away. It was there, but he didn't fight it like most men would. In some ways, he didn't want to. It was becoming like a part of his being, much like how he wanted to hide his scar after first obtaining it, but after awhile he forgot it was even there at all.
Zuko felt horrible, but he pushed himself up to sit and threw the covers off himself. He made sure Jin was completely covered before walking over to the messy pile of clothes Jin had hurriedly tossed behind a folding screen before jumping into bed next to Zuko last night. He dressed himself quietly in the silvery light slipping past the crack in the window, making the rest of the room seem hazy.
He tiptoed out of Jin's room and shut the door behind him, creeping down the stairs like a ghost. Turning the corner at the bottom, he saw Jin's mother, Xia, passed out on the living room with an empty bottle of wine next to her, books all around her limp body. Zuko felt a little worse for deceiving her, but before he could think too much about it, he went into the entry way and slipped on his boots, and just before Jin sat up in bed, he disappeared outside and ran down the street from his shame.
Jin had the covers to her chest as she looked at the warm empty space next to her that she had hoped would be filled. With a deep pain in her heart, she got out of bed and threw a robe around herself and descended the stairs hoping to find him in the kitchen. But to her utter dismay, she saw only neglected vegetables from the night before and a torn up rag on the counter where they shared themselves together.
Jin wanted to cry, but she had a feeling he would do this; that he would leave her feeling empty and tossed away as he had done before. He was a flake, she knew, but she still had hoped that after their intimacy he would change.
He's a man. Of course he wouldn't change for me. I'm so stupid. I have no one to blame but myself. Jin leaned against the doorframe and looked at the hollow kitchen, bright from the open window that filled the room with a warm, early morning coldness. I let it happen. But who's to blame desire? Lust? It was easier said that done, but Jin was used just for that reason, but it felt so complex. It was like she handed him a string of one side of her heart and she had the other, and together they weaved a tangled mess that not even a spider could have created.
A moan to her right stirred her alive and she walked over to the living room where her mother was struggling to find purchase to sit up. Jin bent down and took Xia's arm to steady her. Xia squinted her eyes and held her head when a headache fell on top of her like a boulder.
"Who… who was here last night?" Xia asked, looking around the dusty room to find Jin.
"Nobody, mom. Just me. Come on, let's take you bed."
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