A/N: This is based on the scene from JDeppIsMyLovely's A Little Priest and A Little Sweeney where Sweeney says he's going to write Mrs. Lovett a very strongly worded letter on proper grammar. This is that letter.
All characters belong to Tim Burton, not me – I am just a humble minion.
Mrs. Lovett,
I believe I have spoken with you on this matter before. However, it would appear that you have disregarded any and all comments I have made, and now I am writing that letter I threatened you with – surely you remember.
The strongly worded letter?
This is it.
First off, I would like to point out that "wot's," much like "an'," and "bus'ness," is not a word. I don't care if this is an, as you say, "rhaeeginal accent,"* but you cannot use such ridiculous language in everyday conversation! It makes you sound even more uneducated than you actually are!
Second of all, you need to speak in complete sentences. I cannot stress this enough. IT MAKES YOU SOUND (expletive) STUPID, AND YOU NEED TO STOP, OR ELSE I WILL BE FORCED TO AVOID BEING SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH YOU EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO. Honestly, Nellie, you cannot do this. You're embarrassing me to no end. You do not want to do this, or you will end up in one of your own pies. I swear you will. I will make it so.
Thirdly, you need to make sure that you use the correct conjugation of EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU EVER USE. Do you know something, Nellie? "All them," is not proper grammar. In fact, it's not even CLOSE to proper grammar. I can't believe you would say something like that. "All them pies." Really – not only is it improper grammar to begin with, but it's a sentence fragment on top of that! Oh, if I had my way I would –
I have to leave now, before I do something I will regret.
Please think over the contents of this letter, Nellie.
Yours sincerely,
Sweeney Todd, Esq.
*Regional. I spelled it the way you pronounce it, and if there's one thing I can't stand, Nellie, it's loose vowels. I'd like you to fix that, IMMEDIATELY. – S.T.