Disclaimer: I do not own NOIR. This story is done in fun and is not meant to be serious at all.
-From the Cutting Room Floor-
(Scenes that you won't see in Noir; for obvious reasons)
Episode 1:-'Make a what to the where?' or (Mireille acts like her hair color)
Mireille stood silently by, and watched as Kirika stared out the window as she sat in her school desk for the last time. The girl would soon leave Japan and fly back to France with the tall, blonde woman.
The mood in the room was quiet and melancholy. Who knew what lay ahead as the two women began their pilgrimage?
Suddenly, the Corsican woman had an impulsive urge to quote something.
"My Humps, my humps, my humps, my humps - in the back and in the front."
"My lovely lady lumps. Check it out!" the blonde began to sing, as she began to move seductively.
Kirika looked over at the blonde woman in confusion. "Mm?" she wondered. (What the hell was wrong with this Mireille woman? Maybe she should just stay in Japan after all!) the Japanese girl thought to herself.
"CUT!"
The director yelled and strode over to the blonde angrily . "Of all the things you could have picked-why did you pick that stupid song?" he asked in bewilderment.
In response, Mireille just leaned over and stuck her backside in the air, and began to shake it back and forth.
"I'm gonna get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump." she continued to sing.
(Why me? Why did I decide to work with unbalanced women? And assassin's at that! Why?) the director thought as he walked away, rubbing the back of his neck.
Episode 2: 'Stale bread' or ( I went to France and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!)
Mireille watched as Kirika listlessly pulled at her piece of bread and put it in her mouth. The Japanese girl had hardly touched her plate tonight.
"You know, this is our daily bread, in other words, Heavens blessing. So why don't you eat it as if you're enjoying it?" the blonde woman asked critically.
"But I'm not enjoying it. This bread is stale, the potato's aren't very good and well...um..nothing" the Japanese girl trailed off.
"Well what? What are you trying to say?" Mireille asked firmly.
"You're not a very good cook. Sorry." The younger girl said softly and shrugged her shoulders.
"Hey! It's your fault! You're the one doing crazy knife and fork tricks in the kitchen when I'm trying to cook! I was trying not to get stabbed! Next time you flip a knife, or pull a cake fork or any fork on me-I will kill you!" The blonde assassin threatened the girl.
'CUT' the director screamed. Well, there goes the cozy domestic scene he planned...
Episode 3: – 'Black Leather Lady' or (Mireille has Bad Timing)
The tall lady was dressed in skintight black leather, but sadly, she lay on the floor dying. Mireille really liked her though, and wanted to ask her something before she died.
"What's your name? Do you like blondes?" the Corsican woman asked hopefully.
The black leather lady coughed and gasped. "What's the point in asking? Neither you nor I have a grave on which to carve our names..." she managed to sputter..
Mireille was disappointed. "Does that mean we can't have sex?" she asked, while Kirika looked on in disbelief.
"CUT!" the director screamed. ( Too bad the lady in black leather was dying...because this would have made a good porno movie..)
Episode 4: The Sound of Sexism
Kirika lay out in a dark red bikini that matched her eyes. Mireille sat next to her in a long pale green sundress, brown shoes and a straw sun hat. The women stared silently at the ocean waves crashing against the sand of the beach...
The director thought for a minute, then yelled "CUT!"
He turned to his producer.."I think we'd get more viewers if we let the blonde with the boobs wear the bikini instead of the girl!" he suggested as he eyed the two women critically.
"Hey! You there, blonde with the boobs! You have a wardrobe change! You'll get to wear the bikini, and the girl can wear the sundress instead, so both of you go change now!" he instructed firmly.
The Corsican woman didn't like this idea at all. "You male chauvinist pig, how dare you insult me..." she began to yell at the man, as he backed away from her.
Kirika just continued to look at the ocean while the director and Mireille fought. "Mm" she thought. She would have to have a little talk with the director later. She'd have to remember to bring sunglasses and a necktie if needed.
Episode 5:– 'Less Clothes' or (Hey Beavis! These two chicks are sharing a bed! heh he)
Mireille lay on her side and looked over at the plant. She knew the pocket watch was near the plant, but why were the plant and the pocket watch on the table together? 'What could it all mean?' she wondered.
Suddenly, the Japanese girl next to her stretched out in her sleep, and knocked the blonde woman out of the small bed. She hit the floor with a hard thud.
The Corsican woman sighed to herself as she tried to keep her temper.
This happened a lot since she started sharing her bed with Kirika. The damn girl just couldn't keep still! (No wonder I can never get any sleep! And she wonders why I'm cranky in the morning!) she thought irritably.
(That's it- she's sleeping on the floor from now on! It's not like we're ever gonna have sex or anything like that anyway!) Mireille though, as she got up off the floor.
"CUT!" the director yelled. "Re shoot!"
Episode 6: Damned Kitten
Kirika quietly slid into the black car that Mireille had rented for their mission to this cold European country. She was able to slip in the medium sized paper sack before her partner had noticed. They were getting ready to drive back home since their mission was now complete.
The blonde woman looked over at the Japanese girl. "You ready to go?" she asked, then she spotted the bag. "What's in the bag? Please tell me it's not another kitten?" she asked in an annoyed tone.
The younger girl shook her head. "Um-mm." she lied.
Mireille smiled. "Good, now let's leave this cold place!" she said, as she started the car and drove down the road.
As soon as the car began moving, Kirika realized that she couldn't keep the bag from shaking. Soon a loud wail was heard. "MEOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!"
"What in the world was that?" the blonde asked, turning to look at Kirika angrily.
"Eh? I didn't hear anything, Mireille." Kirika lied.
Suddenly, Prince Myshkin broke free from the paper sack and raced around the car in terror. He ran past Mireille and accidentally scratched her on the hand, also scratching up the leather seats in the process as he ran across them.
"Ouch!" The Corsican woman yelled, as she tried to keep the car under control. "Damn it, Kirika, you lied to me! You better hope I get my deposit back on this car!" she yelled. Then she pulled the car off the road and whipped out her Walther P-99 handgun.
"Mireille...NO!" Kirika pleaded, as the blonde looked around furiously for the cat.
"Here...kitty, kitty, kitty..." she called, hoping to draw Prince Myshkin out.
'CUT' (No Kittens were harmed in this story..)
Episode 7: The Black Sunglasses of Fate or (Proof that Kirika really isn't so quiet!)
Mireille stood in the desert sun. She looked beautiful and deadly in her khaki jacket and shorts with a red top underneath. She wore tall black boots and cool black sunglasses. Her blonde hair shone in the sunlight. She was a Goddess. She was a fatal beauty...
"WAIT! Why is it that she gets to wear cool things like sunglasses and boots? I have to wear these boring khaki pants, and this old tank top! I'm shot and bleeding in this episode too, and then I get beat up! I'm tired of having this stupid hair and I want cool clothes too! Even Chloe gets to wear that cloak! And why is Mireille's ass always hanging out of her miniskirt? Why don't I get to wear sexy clothes too? It just isn't fair!" Kirika argued angrily to the director.
"Who the heck is Chloe? I'm beginning to think that I should have shot you at the beginning of this episode! And everyone knows that I am the femme fatale of this series- not you!" the blonde woman yelled to the younger girl.
"Yeah right...bossy ass blonde is more like it! Okay, go ahead! and just try to shoot me! Everyone knows I am a much better assassin than you!" the Japanese girl taunted, then stuck her tongue out at the blonde.
"Why you little.!" Mireille screamed in anger, as she ran over to the girl with her gun drawn.
"CUT!" the director screamed. "I need you guys to stay alive until ep.26!"
(Damn crazy women! Why did I ever decide to direct a show with mainly women in it?) he thought to himself.
Episode 8: 'Uncontrollable Acts 1' or (Hey butthead! The blonde chick is naked in the bed! heh heh)
Kirika was eating her ice cream cone in a most suggestive way. Mireille tried hard not to think about it as she was trying to inform her partner of some important information. Suddenly though, she just couldn't help herself.
"Do you know any other tricks besides that popcorn one, and the way you are eating your ice cream?" the blonde asked curiously.
"Mmm...sure. I know lots of tricks." the Japanese girl said sweetly.
Later -
Mireille was lying naked in the bed, as Kirika sat beside her dressed.
"Mireille, don't you think it's time you got dressed? It's been fun, but we have a job to complete, remember?" she reminded her partner softly.
But Mireille had fallen asleep. It turned out that learning those tricks exhausted her.
'CUT' the director screamed. Then he walked over to the bed and shook Mireille by the shoulder to wake her up.
Once she was awake, he began to berate both women.
"This is not a Porno film! What the hell is wrong with you two?" he demanded.
Mireille was upset."Well, you should have stopped us before you took all that footage, you pervert! I think I'll kill you instead of her at the end of this show!" she yelled angrily.
The director sighed. 'Why?...Why did he get ever involved in this project?'
Episode 9:'Uncontrollable Acts 2' or ( Italian Women do it Better)
Kirika couldn't believe her eyes. That lilac haired hussy was kissing Mireille! And it looked like her partner was enjoying it.
'I thought they were supposed to be mortal enemies? Why isn't Mireille pulling away?' the Japanese girl thought angrily.
Silvana and Mireille kept on kissing. Soon a red shirt went flying by, followed by a purple dress...
Kirika started to get a crazy look in her eyes as she aimed her gun at the two women.
'CUT!' the director yelled. This part wasn't in the script! Only the Italian one was supposed to die in this scene. It seems that keeping the blonde alive may be a harder job than he thought...
Episode 10: 'The True Bitch' or (Sorry, Chloe fans! I mean...The best character ever to be in an anime series! )
"I am the true noir." the magenta haired girl told the blonde bimbo- who stood next to her beloved Kirika.
"And what does that' mean?" Mireille asked in annoyance.
"That I am much better than you'll ever be! Isn't that right, Kirika sweetie?"Chloe asked, as she stared with obvious adoration at the Japanese girl.
"Mmmm." Kirika mumbled. She hated to be in the middle of this.
"Well, aren't you little Miss Superior?" Mireille sneered, as she reached for her gun...
" You're just a dumb blonde!" Chloe screamed at the bothersome Daughter of Corsica, as she reached for her knives...
'CUT' the director yelled. He needed to make sure these three woman didn't kill each other before episode 26. 'Assassin women' he thought...'They're impossible to work with'.
A/n- I hope somebody find parts of this parody funny. Of course the song Mireille sings in the first ep. is 'My Humps' by the Black Eyed Peas. I do not own Beavis or Butthead. They belong to Mike Judge. The director in this story is of course made up and based on nobody! Review please ...be nice... this is probably made for flames...