True Feelings
I was only mad Bluestar didn't make us warriors. I never wanted Swiftpaw to die, never wanted to lose half my face. It's my fault I agreed to go; I bet if I hadn't, perhaps Swiftpaw wouldn't have gone. I can never forgive myself. For anything.
Cloudpaw was the only one who kept me going. When I was injured, in Cinderpet's den, I could feel him next to me, encouraging me. It stung when he had to go, anywhere,anytime. I love him, always will. And he loved me.
I can only remember so much from the attack. I can remember only four words,"Pack, pack. Kill, kill." and everything else is a blur. I wish I could remember more, but maybe its best I don't.
Bluestar. Lostface. I suppose I never saw the real her, as the elders claim. They say she was a wonderful leader, so respected, so loyal. But...after Tigerstar attacked her; as I was told, she went crazy. She couldn't trust anyone except Firesheart, her deputy, Firestar now. I lost my respect for her when I was given the name, Lostface. But like the rest of the Clan, I still grieved for her death. I miss her. I just wish I saw the real Bluestar.
Every time I look in a puddle, I look away. I hate how I look. Cloudtail says I am still beautiful, but I know I'm not. The kits get a look of terror in their eyes when they see my face, and even the warriors look away. The only one who can look me straight in my eyes is Cloudtail. Even my daughter, Whitewing, was terrified by my looks, and can't meet my eyes. Sometimes in my dreams, I see my scarred face, and all the next day it stays in my mind. I can never stop feeling scared. Of myself.
I hope Starclan understands why I did it. I was ready to be a warrior, but Bluestar didn't make me one and I was determined to prove myself worthy. I just hope...when I die, I go to StarClan.
If it wasn't for Cloudtail, I would have killed myself by now. He is the only one who keeps me going, the only one that loves me completely besides my kit. If it weren't for him, what would I be anyway? The only reason I am not dead is because it would hurt him too much. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been through so much more. I mean, I think the only reason I lived is besides the wonderful care of Cinderpelt, is the love of him. How he never left my side and still doesn't. I know Firestar, Sandstorm, and a lot more of the warriors care, always will, but he really cared.
Swiftpaw. He would have made a wonderful warrior. It's not his fault, I hope the Clan understands. He fought like a warrior, died like a warrior. And now, he stays with StarClan, as Swiftheart. I will always honor him. Forever.
I know I am scarred for life, but do my best to not feel so sorry. I am a true ThunderClan warrior, will fight for my life to defend any of my Clan. And I know, as StarClan told me when they were deciding my fate, I will die as a warrior.