Dear Boy,
I saw you jump off the bridge last night. I knew what was going to happen, but something in your eyes told me not to stop you. They flashed so bright and blue when I saw them, just before you ended it all. I don't know why you did it, and I guess I never will. I know you are beautiful. Were, you were beautiful. You were beautiful when you were falling too. Nothing about it was graceful but somehow you managed to look like a dancer. It was like you were made to jump. Maybe you have before, maybe that's how you knew to keep your arms out like a sky-diver. I wish I knew you now. I wish I could have felt what it is like to be inside your brain. I wish I knew what it was like to be you. I don't know why I wanted to meet you so bad. But something aches inside me. I never even knew you and something inside me aches for you. How fucked up is that? I wish I knew your name, I wish I knew everything about you. I keep rambling, but I feel close to you right now. I'm at the spot you last breathed. I can feel you in the air, I can imagine you here. I wish you had lived, but this bridge is high and you were low and those things don't fit together. Fuck, I wish you were here.
Dear Boy,
I know your name now. You were on the news. Phil. Philp. Your mum was crying. Your dad was stoic. They didn't even know you did they? They said that you were always happy and full of life. They said you had a smile that could light up a room. But all the pictures of you that flashed up on the screen didn't have your bright blue eyes. They were so dull, like someone had put a fucking filter over them. They weren't the blue I saw. No one who is happy kills themselves. They're inquiring into your death, because your family doesn't believe you would leave them. How fucking blind are they? I'm so mad at them. I'm so mad at the world. I know how you feel I think. There's angry red lines up and down my arms but no one knows. If you would ask my parents they would have said the same thing. Fuck, Phil why is the world so messed up? Why are we the only normal ones?
Dear Boy,
Dear Phil, rather. There is a vigil for you tonight outside the school. Not my school, your school. You go to the other one on the west side of town. I wish we had have gone to the same school. Maybe then I could have helped you. Maybe then you could have helped me. They still think you weren't depressed. But the town is whispering about Prozac in your veins. There were so many flowers and pictures of you. Notes left by everyone. I don't want to leave you one. It feels like a lie to leave the truth around so many lies. I hope you understand. I went down to the bottom of the river where they found your body. The place is still covered in Police Tape. Yellow markers still marking out where your body fell, where your arms and legs and head lay for the last time. I feel you down here. I hear you too. The last breath you took before you sailed down. The way you looked at me before you jumped. People say you were a loner, yet everyone is pretending to love you. I wish I had of had the chance to love you. I saw you in my dream last night. I saw you falling and falling. I can't get the image of it out of my head. No one knows I saw you, I wasn't meant to. I don't think you want me to tell anyone. They'd ask me why I didn't stop you. But I knew you didn't want me to. So I guess I'll just have to live with the image of you falling. And falling. And falling. And falling.
Dear Phil,
Your funeral is tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to see what lies they dress you up in. Do they even know what your favourite shirt is? What songs you wanted played? If they did know, would they even comply? They're so caught up in trying to keep up your perfect image that they lost who you really are. The Police are trying to dispel all the rumours about you. But the town is tiny and everyone is a gossip. Maybe we could have got out together. Taken a train somewhere, made a new life for ourselves. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I wish my life wasn't about maybes anymore. I should do it. I should live my life because you couldn't.
Dear Phil,
I went to your funeral. You were in a suit. They played stupid classical songs even though you died in a Muse shirt. They fucking ruined everything. I'm getting out tonight. I'm going to live for you. I'm going to take a train out of this stupid fucking town and I'm going to live because you didn't have a chance to. Maybe in another life we would have met and fallen in love. Maybe in another life you could have saved me and I could have saved you. But I'm done with maybes, Phil. I want to live a yes and I want to live a no. I want to live because you couldn't. I want to live because I can.
Dear Phil,
It's been ten years since you killed yourself. Life is so fucking crazy. I've done everything you couldn't. I saw a shooting star tonight and I know it was you. I know you've been looking out for me these years. I know you're my angel. Fuck Phil, I love you and I miss you and I never knew you. But you helped me live your life. You helped me live my life. I can't thank you enough.
All of my love ever,
Dan.