A/N: Takes place sometime after Ellie's fight with Joel in Wyoming. Spoilers if you haven't finished the game yet, but nothing major. Joel & Ellie as friends, father/daughter.
EDIT: Finally beat the game! What an overall phenomenal experience, I can't wait to replay it.
Sometimes, when I look into Joel's eyes, I see emptiness. Like he's nothing but a shell of the person he used to be, though I never knew the 'old' him. I say the old him because I imagine he was a totally different person before the outbreak, before things went to shit. Before Sarah died. I know very little about Sarah, but Maria told me that Joel was a single father who worked long hours to support the two of them, and that he loved her very much. He was devastated after she died and he never really came to terms with her passing. I try not to bring her up because the last time I did, he really got angry, and I felt horrible after. I can't help but to be curious, though.
Joel has this hardened exterior and likes to pretend that nothing bothers him, but I can tell that it's all an act. Sure, killing the infected is easy. You don't think twice before putting a bullet between the eyes of a runner or a clicker. Killing survivors, though? That's a whole different story. I'll never understand why most survivors, hunters as we call them, are so violent and angry. The world's treated us all badly, but I don't feel the need to kill innocent people because of it. I'd rather have allies than enemies, but Joel reminds me that these hunters aren't looking for friends. They're out to kill other people for their supplies, and they're brutal. When it comes down to it, it's either you or them, and although that's incentive enough to kill them before they kill you, it doesn't make it any easier. These men and women have families and friends who care about them, too. And I know every time that Joel kills another person that it isn't easy for him because I can see it in his eyes. His eyes do most of the talking.
Sometimes, he slips up. His guard falters, though only momentarily, and he cracks a smile. Laughs at the shitty puns I tell from that joke book I picked up along our journey. This is the Joel that I enjoy being around the most. In those mere seconds he seems almost carefree, like he enjoys being with me, and I relish in those moments, however brief. As soon as he catches himself though, he pulls back into himself and puts on this façade of indifference. He doesn't always have to act so tough but he chooses to; it's like he feels too vulnerable when he's anything but stoic. In those moments though, I see the old Joel, the one Sarah knew and loved. I guess deep down I'm a little jealous of her, but I realize how selfish that makes me sound.
I'm jealous of her because Joel wanted to be a part of her life, because he cared about her. I don't really remember my father because I was so young when he died, but I'd like to think that he was a really great person, kind of similar to the old Joel. I feel like such a burden. At first I didn't care, he was going to deliver me to the Fireflies and that was it, a job well executed. But after you spend so much time with someone, the only someone in my life that has yet to leave me or die, you really end up caring about them. I think Joel cares about me, too. Deep down of course, because on the outside he expresses very little, but I saw fear in his eyes when Sam attacked me. I see fear in his eyes every time my life is put at risk. The fear is real, I can tell, and he isn't doing this job of escorting me for any sort of payment anymore. That ended back when Tess died. He has yet to leave me behind or let someone hurt me, so he must care, he has to care.
Joel is like the father I never had. I don't want to leave him, ever. Not now, not when we finally get to the Fireflies, wherever they are. I have yet to tell him that, though…maybe he feels the same way. The new Joel may find me irritating at times, but I can tell the old Joel sees Sarah in me. When it comes down to it, I want nothing more than to be Sarah. For now though, I need to worry about surviving. For Joel. For humanity.