Internal Conflict

Chapter 1

Takes place right after Reformed.

Amethyst found herself laying on the head of the statue around the temple. She comes here sometimes to think and to be alone. She gazed up at the stars above her with her eyes half open, lost in her thoughts. Her mind was replaying the events from earlier in the day. She felt embarrassed and disgusted with herself for letting Steven and Garnet see her insecurities. Hearing Garnet's disapproval of her rushed regeneration made her feel ashamed of herself. She already knew she messed up when she came back with four legs and didn't need someone rubbing it in her face. In her usual Amethyst way she tried to play it off as no big deal, until Steven mentioned Pearl. Being compared to Pearl has always been something that set her off. She could never be like perfect Pearl. So after the Slinker poofed her again she tried to play it off as a joke by coming back as Pearl. Really though she was giving her family what they wanted.

They wanted her to be more like perfect Pearl, well that's as close as a monster from the Kindergarten could get. Steven found it funny but as usual Garnet disapproved of her actions, crushing her. She tried to give their leader, the person she looked up to the most, what she wanted. She couldn't even do that right. In her frustration she lashed out and started arguing with Garnet only to hear that she wasn't strong enough. Hearing that drained away any feeling of self worth she had left. The Slinker poofed her again and in an act of desperation for approval she reformed again only to come out as the monster she knew she was. The look of fear and concern on Steven's face and the look of frustration on Garnet's almost broke her inside. She failed them again. Not able to stand under the disapproving eyes of her family any longer, she took off in anger to find the Slinker. She tried to get Garnet to tell her what she wanted her to be but their leader said she had to figure it out herself. She growled in frustration not knowing what to do. Then Steven figured her out. She was caught off guard by his statement allowing the Slinker to poof her for a final time.

Amethyst blinked as tears started to flow freely. She remembered being in her gem the longest she has ever been because she was too ashamed to come out and face her family. The loving embrace they gave her when she finally reformed gave her a false sense of being wanted. Shortly after, Pearl was nagging her about the condition of her room. Something about keeping it clean and no monsters. Any positive feelings she had were instantly drained. She was barely paying attention and didn't even bother to argue back this time. She barely registered when they left her room. After Steven was fast asleep is when she found herself here gazing at the stars. She wasn't sure how long she had been laying here, oblivious to the world around her.

The pain inside of her was becoming unbearable. Feelings of being alone and unwanted consumed her, pulling her mind into a dark place. Thoughts of ending her pain filled her head. It would be easy enough to do, just have to break my gem. No body would miss me anyway. I'm just an unwanted Kindergarten mistake. I could just jump off right here and end it. The fall would probably shatter my gem if I landed right. Amethyst tried to sit up but her body didn't want to move. The stress of the day taking its toll on her body. She let out a pathetic laugh. Eh, oh well. I couldn't do it right here anyway. I wouldn't want Steven being the one to find my broken gem laying outside the temple anyway. I couldn't do that to the lil man, she thought to herself with a hint of amusement. Always looking out for the lil guy, even at my worst. Guess that's the only thing I know how to do right. Tears started to steadily fall again as Amethyst let herself go numb.

Garnet figured her purple teammate was in her favorite thinking spot when she couldn't find her in her room. Garnet was very concerned for Amethyst and wanted to discuss today's events. It took for Steven to point it out to her that something was wrong with their friend. Even Pearl became concerned when Amethyst had no reaction to her dirty room comment. "I should have noticed it." Garnet mumbled out loud as she jumped and landed easily on top of the statue. She saw Amethyst lying on her back, appearing to be asleep. Not wanting to startle her, Garnet walked over slowly and knelt down next to the prone gem. She reached her hand out to gently shake Amethyst awake but suddenly stopped when she saw her face.

The blank expression is what alerted Garnet at first. Amethyst's eyes where half open and unfocused. "Amethyst?" She relaxed a little bit when she saw her teammates eyes glance over to look at her. Garnet could tell she had been crying and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Amethyst turned her head to look at Garnet. Her eyes shot open the rest of the way as she finally realized Garnet was sitting next to her. She stared wide eyed at Garnet, a small purple blush appearing on her cheeks. She closed her eyes and pushed herself up into a sitting position, stretching her arms high above her head and letting out a loud yawn. She was trying to shake off the embarrassment of Garnet seeing her so vulnerable, again. She turned to Garnet then quickly averted her gaze back to the sky. "Hey G, what's up?"

Garnet studied Amethyst's face, noting how tired she looked. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the sky. "I think we need to talk." Garnet saw Amethyst twitch slightly out of the corner of her eye. "What's there to talk about G? Amethyst leaned back on her hands as well, head still turned to the sky. "I was just being me, ya know, reckless and all. I won't let it happen again."

Garnet sighed and looked over to Amethyst. "I know there is more to it then that." Garnet paused as she saw her tense up. "And I'm sorry I didn't notice it sooner."

Amethyst looked over at Garnet shocked. She couldn't see anything but the reflection of the stars on her glasses but she didn't need to see her eyes to hear the concern in her voice.

"Don't be sorry G. It's not your fault. I'm the messed up one. The mist..." Amethyst stopped herself before she could finish the sentence and quickly looked down at her feet. She leaned forward, hugging her knees to her chest. There was an awkward silence between the two. Amethyst's mind started racing. Oh crap, oh crap I said to much. Damn it I messed up. Now... Amethyst's thoughts were cut off when she felt a gentle but firm hand cup the side of her face, forcing her to turn and look at Garnet. Garnet removed her glasses showing her three eyes. Concern and worry evident on her face.

"Amethyst, you are not a mistake. I should have noticed you were having internal struggles. I am your friend...family and I should have noticed. It took for Steven to point it out for me to finally see. You were trying so hard to be what you thought I wanted. I didn't want any of that and I am sorry that I made you feel that way. I want you to be you."

Garnet studied Amethyst's face for a moment before removing her hand. Amethyst stared into Garnet's eyes for a little longer before her gaze went back to her feet. "Amethyst, I want you to know that you can talk to me. I want to help you. We all do. We love you Amethyst."

Amethyst couldn't stop the wave of emotions that hit her. She buried her face into her knees as the tears started to flow. She felt a comforting arm come around her back and squeeze her into the taller gem's side. Her body shook as she let it all out. Amethyst didn't like being so vulnerable and looking so weak in front of others, especially her family. Crying was something she normally did when she was alone but Garnet's words struck something within her and she couldn't hold her emotions back. As good as it felt to hear those words, she couldn't help but to feel guilty for worrying her friends. She felt something wet fall onto her shoulder and realized Garnet was crying too. She worried her friends and caused them pain. I'm nothing but a burden. she thought, as exhaustion started to take over as the whirlwind of emotions started to subside. She started to lean heavily into Garnet's side as she felt her self starting to drift off. I don't want to be a burden anymore, was the last thing on her mind before sleep took over.

Garnet had to resist the urge to pull Amethyst into her lap when she started crying. She didn't want to embarrass her further knowing that Amethyst was a private person when it came to her emotions. Garnet wrapped an arm around her back and leaned into her while she let it all out, trying to give some kind of comfort. She couldn't help but let a few tears fall at seeing Amethyst so vulnerable. She held Amethyst close and looked at the stars trying to think how to help her through this. Amethyst's body shook less as her sobs turned into sniffles. Garnet could feel Amethyst leaning more heavily into her as her body started to relax. She looked down at her friend and felt relieved to see the exhausted gem sleeping. She sat like that for a few more minutes before slipping her free arm under Amethyst's knees and pulling her up close to her chest.

Garnet waited a minute to make sure the movement didn't wake her, just like she used to with Steven when he was younger. Hearing a small snore escape from Amethyst, Garnet figured it was safe and stood up. She made her way carefully down the statue and walked through the front door of Steven's room. The room was dark but Garnet could see a worried Pearl jump off the couch and walk towards them. "Is she alright?" Pearl whispered so not to wake Steven.

Garnet nodded and looked down at Amethyst. "She is sleeping. I'm going to put her in her room then we can talk."

Pearl looked worriedly at Amethyst and then headed towards the temple door to open it for Garnet. Garnet started to walk forward when a small, worried voice stopped her in her tracks. "Garnet, is Amethyst ok?"

Garnet looked up at the the loft and could see Steven sitting on his bed looking down at them. "Yes Steven. She is just sleeping. I'm going to put her in her room so she can rest. You can go back to sleep." Garnet started to walk towards the temple door again when Steven spoke again. "Wait. C-can you put her in my bed?...I don't want her to wake up alone."

If Garnet had a human heart it would have melted at the small boy's words. Garnet smiled at the boy. Compassionate, just like his mother. "Of course Steven." Garnet made her way up the steps with Pearl right behind her. Steven pulled the blanket back and scooted towards the wall to make room for Amethyst. Garnet gently laid her down on Steven's bed. Steven pulled the blanket over both of them and laid down on his side facing Amethyst. Garnet could see the worry on Steven's face and reached over placing a hand on his head and smiled. "Don't worry Steven. Amethyst will be ok. Now go back to sleep."

Pearl looked at the two youngest members of their family in the bed and didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay and watch them sleep but she also wanted to talk to Garnet about Amethyst. She told Steven goodnight as she walked back down the stairs towards the temple. She heard Garnet do the same and they walked into temple.

Steven told his family goodnight and heard the temple door open and close. He snuggled into his bed and looked over to Amethyst. He couldn't help but worry about her. She was like a mother to him. He could see Amethyst twitching slightly like she was having a dream. He moved closer to her putting his arm over her to try and comfort her just in case it was a bad dream. He smiled when he felt her stop twitching and closed his eyes. "Goodnight Amethyst."