Sleeping With Roaches
"You are a horrible man, Light Yagami." Near said with a sad smile, looking not at all like himself, and more like...
Light glared at the small albino dangerously, though curled closer to him.
"You killed the love of your life." He paused before adding, "What a sad man you are." It was sickeningly sarcastic, despite the truth Near knew it held.
Light said nothing, simply traced empty patterns on the other's chest, now choosing to look through him rather than at him.
Near continued speaking. "I wonder where he must be now. Heaven, Hell, some place between... You'll never see him, you know. You are going to Mu."
Light closed his eyes bitterly, ignoring the sting those words left, ignoring Near's disgusting fluids that had been sprayed onto both of their bodies, ignoring the fact that he'd have to change the bed sheets before Misa came back home.
Near cuddled closer to Light despite his harsh words. The heater was broken, and their bodies felt warmer together. "I wonder," He repeated, "If he loved you." The sad smile that had slowly faded was back. "Do I remind you of him?"
"Yes." Light breathed, not wanting to see Near as he shut his eyes tighter. He knew what pleased him, and positively comparing those two was one of those things.
It was quiet for a moment as Light continued drawing lazily on Near's chest.
"You want to know something?" Near said suddenly, interrupting the momentary silence.
Light looked up at him expectantly. He was so talkative after copulation, it surprised the brunette. It seemed that this was when he opened up most; a silent snicker at the idea that it broke the young detective...
"I know for a fact he must not have loved you."
Light's eyes widened, silently urging Near to explain. That cut deeper than the albino would ever be able to comprehend. But showing it would only satisfy his sadistic desires.
"He thought that if he had died, for once Mello and I would have worked together... Kira did not mean as much to him as his successor's welfare; he saw a chance for us to become a team, a unit if you will, and he took it. Unfortunately for all of us, he did it far too soon. Mello was not ready to accept me yet. He could have waited until the Kira case was over, but he probably viewed this as too good of an opportunity. And for that, he is a loser..." Near said, his voice that of a leader, until the last sentence where the volume dropped down to a whisper.
"You're only believing what you want to believe." Light replied, disguising the hope in his voice with pride. "He still could have loved me."
"No." Near declared sternly. "He did all of it for the sake of Mello and I."
The way he enunciated the word 'I', as though saying he was loved and Light was not, made Light sick. It made him want to rip out Near's hair and claw at his disgustingly pale skin. It made him want to bite him until he bled and tear him to pieces. It made him want to kill the little brat.
"You want to know something else?" Near drawled after another lengthy amount of silence. "He and I... Are completely different on the inside. I pretend I'm like him, but you know, I can never quite get it right." A raspy breath escaped him, as though he was choking. Light recognized it as Near's laugh. "I wonder if he was truly like that as well, or if he too, were copying someone else..." He trailed off, something rare for him.
Light didn't want to think of that, didn't want to think of how he'd killed the love of his life and how he regretted it anytime he got the chance. At this point he'd sleep with Near just for the sake of pretending to have something he could only imagine before. At first the albino was hesitant, but soon understood the game and became just as eager as Light himself. They met up every Tuesday secretly.
It sickened them both and yet was enthralling at the same time. Light wondered if Near had ever done this with anyone before him; he definitely had not acted like it. He wasn't sure if he should have been jealous about something like that. It left him with a feeling he couldn't describe; as though he just wanted to write down names in his notebook endlessly...
Light smiled at him, a disgustingly twisted and monster-like smirk, the face of Kira. "I love you Near."
Near smiled back, just as wickedly. "I love you too, Kira."
And on the day of Light's death, the 'official meeting between N and L', when he was revealed, Light wasn't sure exactly what he had wanted to say. Whether it was a teary scream, "How could you do this to me?" or a bitter smile, "Goodbye, Near.", Light wasn't sure. So instead he settled for absolutely no attachment, to act as though nothing between them had ever happened. A silent agreement between the two that was they would never tell anyone – not as though Light, or rather Kira, would have much of a chance to.
And yet, even though he never loved Near, even though Near never loved him... As it was only a disgusting game they played where the only proper and appropriate end was death, a game that would spiral out of control and could only be won by the last one standing, Light still found the tears rolling down his cheeks as he ran. He still found himself regretting, regretting everything – he wished he had never picked up that notebook, that stupid notebook, that he had never deviated from his everyday life, that he had never gotten involved, that he had never met L... Who knows, maybe someone else could have picked it up, used it once, and tossed it. But no, Light Yagami – he wanted to make a change.
In the end, the saying 'curiosity killed the cat' was true.
Light wondered, as he staggered into the warehouse, what Near was thinking of... And if he had regret anything as well. Light wondered if Near would cry over his death. He knew the answer was no.
When L had died... Light wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to be sad, but instead he found himself wrapping himself up in layers of Kira. Instead of feeling grief, he told himself it was spite and that he would now be able to become the God of the new world. But deep inside, where the original Light resided, he was sobbing for the loss of the only person he would ever want to spend the rest of his life with.
And L never even knew.
"Light Yagami..." Near whispered to himself during the car ride back to headquarters. "Light... You lost. I wonder if you're the only person I've met who believes in justice. I know for a fact that I do not care about it." He let out a soft, sad laugh that didn't manage to catch the attention of the other passengers. "To think you were beaten by an amoral person..."
He looked out the car window and stared at the setting sun. Near couldn't help but wonder if Ryuk would miss Light. Near knew that Ryuk too was an amoral being, a creature completely neutral to justice. Ironic that Light became Kira through someone amoral, and was taken away from Kira by someone amoral.
No, Near had not taken down Kira because he cared about justice. What a silly thing to get tied up in. He did it for L, because it was what L would have wanted, because in that way L would have won – and perhaps, from wherever L was, if an entity known as L even still existed, he was proud of Near.
A/N: So this is a pretty old fanfic I wrote, but I just figured I'd publish it anyway. I hope you liked it!