**This was written in answer to the Fanfic Fanatics Facebook page 600 member challenge (that's a mouthful). The challenge was to write a 5+1 story (Five times there is one outcome and one time the expected doesn't happen). Anyway, this is just a little story about our favorite body wash, told from Morelli's POV, but it's not Cupcake friendly.
Rated M for some crude language (Joe's inner dialogue isn't pretty sometimes), some nasty sexual content (I refuse to call it smut, because it's not romantic), and just generally being inside Joe's head (it's a scary place in there). Not for the squeamish, it's dirty and raunchy and Joe's pretty awful. So that's your warning.
Of course this all belongs to Janet, I'm just playing with her characters again. Thanks for reading, and as always I'd love to hear what you think about this one.**
The Bulgari EffectDay 1
I just got off work and my ass was dragging. I pulled another seventeen hour shift thanks to some gangbangers that shot each other earlier in the day. Honestly, days like these make me think I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm thirty-six now, not the young rookie cop I'd been when I got out of the Navy fifteen years ago. Then again, I'm not driving straight third shift patrols anymore either, so there is that.
I'm a detective now and thanks to some big cases there's a good shot I'll get another promotion before too long. Really, besides the hours I can't complain too much. I get a decent salary. It's enough to support a house, a dog, and a girlfriend. The last should probably be my wife, but neither of us were ready to go that far, yet.
It's not that I don't love her. She's a great girl. It's just that I'm not sure she's really the wife type. She can't cook…anything, though she is really good at ordering pizza. She doesn't want kids, but she's great with my dog. She'll never be content to sit home cleaning the house while I'm working. No, she'd be out trying to catch criminals herself, playing bounty hunter. The only thing I could say is ideal about Stephanie is that she's a fantastic lover. She really knows how to take care of me, plus, her sex drive is almost as strong as mine. That would definitely be a nice quality to have in a wife. Then again, why marry her if I'm already getting what I need from her?
Thinking of Stephanie reminded me that it'd been more than a week since we'd had sex. So I changed directions and pulled my car into the lot of her apartment. Her light was off, but her car was in its spot by the dumpster, so I knew she was home. I parked and went up to her place. She'd given me a key a few years ago and I let myself whenever I wanted, so I knew she wouldn't mind tonight.
The only sound inside the dark apartment was the squeak of the wheel her hamster was running on. I tapped his cage as I walked by, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and swigged it down before going into the bedroom. Steph was asleep, lying on her stomach with a baggy black tee shirt riding halfway up her back. Her ass was covered in tiny black panties that showed off her cheeks to perfection. The view made me harder than a rock, but I was in a gentlemanly mood tonight. I figured it wouldn't be nice to put the boys in her face when they were so sweaty. After a shower, though, those rules would change.
I went into her bathroom and peeled off my clothes, then dropped them into her hamper. Steph or her mom would have them washed for me. Secretly I hoped it was Mrs. Plum. I love when she irons my boxers. They feel so nice on the boys. It's like she really knows how to take care of a man. Sometimes I wish Steph would be more like her mom, not that I'd ever tell her that though. She'd kill me.
I reached into the shower and turned on the water. Her apartment building was older than me, so the water took a while to heat up, but once it was there you couldn't beat the water pressure of the old massage nozzle. I picked up the bottle of Old Spice body wash I'd left there and tossed it into the trash. I'd used it up last week, but apparently she never noticed it was empty. I bet Mrs. Plum would have noticed. She probably would have bought me more too, so I didn't have to use…vanilla birthday cake. Jesus.
Not that Steph's body wash smelled bad or anything. On her it was delicious, but on a man, well, I wasn't going to walk around smelling like a cupcake. I opened her cupboard and rooted around, looking for something that wasn't so girly. I found a big bottle of green soap behind her tampons. Unisex. Hmm?
It was called Bvlgari au the vert, whatever that meant. I popped the lid and took a whiff. Not bad, not bad at all. I took the bottle with me into the shower and used a healthy portion to lather myself up. Hell, it smelled even better on me than it did in the bottle. This was some good shit.
I knew Steph had used this stuff before, I recognized the smell. I really wasn't sure why she didn't use it all the time. This stuff was way better than both the vanilla cake and my Old Spice. It smelled so good I think my dick twitched from the scent. I was certainly going to use it again, so when I got out of the shower I wiped off the bottle and put it back in the cupboard. Yeah, I know that was weird, but I didn't want to share it with her. It was too good to share.
I dried off, then hung the towel on the door hook where I kept it, before going back into the bedroom. Stephanie hadn't moved. I stared at her ass and my dick twitched again. I didn't blame him, he knew he was going to get some of the good stuff. I gave him a good squeeze to let him know I was on the same page, then climbed into her bed.
She stirred a little as I pushed her hair away and kissed her neck. She murmured something in her sleep that didn't sound like Joe, but I was going to pretend I didn't recognize the name. She turned and snuggled into me, nuzzling my neck like she was sniffing me. I smiled to myself. I knew this body wash was going to get me lucky. "Mm, I've missed you," she mumbled into my ear. "When did you get back in town?"
I wasn't out of town? She was probably just half asleep, plus it'd been a long week without seeing one another. "Just got in," I told her.
Her eyes sprung open as she rolled onto her back. "Joe," she whispered, with a look around the bedroom. "Hey."
"Hey," I answered, letting my eyes wander from her bare legs up to her face. Except I didn't make it that far. The tee shirt she was wearing said RangeMan across the chest. Now I was man enough to ignore her saying his name in her sleep, but the tee shirt was just too much. I was sick of Ranger Manoso coming between us and the best way to get him out of the way was to tear that tee shirt off of her. So that's what I did.
I pulled it over head, then captured her breast in my hand. I pushed her legs apart and slipped between them. "Come on, Joe. I'm not even warmed up yet," she complained as she pushed me away.
I frowned to myself. It'd been a long day, I worked all day, and I was frickin' tired. What did she want from me here? Christ, I wish she'd just stay at my place when I work late. I have some lube and a vibrator that can get her off in a minute there. Here I was going to have to go in.
Now, I don't mind going down on a woman. In fact, I'm an expert muff diver, but tonight I just wanted to get the boys off and get some sleep. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. She was never one for quickies. "Let me warm you up then," I sighed as I grabbed her panties and pulled them off her legs.
I saw the frown on her face. "What now?"
"I don't know," she mumbled. "Maybe I'm just not in the mood." Not in the mood? Was she kidding me here? "You never just kiss me and snuggle anymore. It's all about sex, and even then it's usually a quickie in between your shifts."
So, now that wasn't enough for her? How much more did she need from me? It's not my fault I have to work a lot of hours. I'm not a billionaire. I have bills to pay, including keeping her in Pino's subs. "And you suddenly need more?" I grumbled at her as I stalked off to the laundry basket and pulled out some clean boxers.
She watched me put them on, then got out of bed and wrapped herself in her grubby bathrobe. Great, so sex was definitely off the table for the night. "Maybe I do need more," she answered. "Maybe we should take a break from sex for a little bit."
"From sex? Or from us?" I asked for clarification.
"From sex."
I shrugged and grabbed clean jeans and a tee shirt from the pile. I wasn't staying the night. "Fine," I told her. "We'll meet for lunch, or something."
She nodded back and followed me to the front door. "You don't have to go," she told me.
I looked back at her and I knew that wasn't true. I couldn't control my dick in close proximity to her. "See you tomorrow, Cupcake."
"Night."
88888888888888
I should have known it wasn't going to be a good night. I went home to my empty house, since the dog was staying with my sister for the night. I watched TV. I drank a couple more beers. I tossed and turned. Then I got up and went to work, where I had to sit through a briefing that was sure to be the thing that finally put me to sleep.
When I got to the meeting room it was already full so I squeezed into the back corner, taking a seat next to Officer Russell. She smiled at me and handed me a paper that had the meeting notes on it. I scanned it and handed it back. Then she leaned over and sniffed my neck. What the hell?
Robin and I have known each other a long time, since grade school. She was never one of the girls I messed around with and now that we worked together I tried to keep things professional too, but there was no mistaking the look in her eyes. She wanted me.
She moved closer during the meeting. Her breast rubbed against my arm invitingly. The paper was dropped on my lap and her hand moved under it, stroking my cock. I was so hard and throbbing that by the time the meeting was done it was actually painful. First Steph last night and now this, I was going to die of blue balls.
Or was I? Robin gave my hard-on a final good squeeze before standing. "Joe, there's something wrong with the seat in my squad car. Can you come outside to fiddle with my button? Maybe you can get it in the right position?" she asked in a husky voice.
Shit. I knew I should tell her no, there was that whole professional relationship thing between us, plus there was Steph. Not that she should be a factor. We weren't exclusive and she did put us on a break, but still, it seemed kind of wrong. Unfortunately, wrong was a turn on for me. "Sure, I've been told I have the magic touch," I told her with an evil grin.
Fifteen minutes later we were parked down an alley a few blocks from the station. I was reclined in her driver's seat and she was riding my cock like a champ. I dug my fingers into her ass cheeks as I pumped up into her. God she felt good. It'd been way too long since I'd had bareback sex, Steph always forced a condom on me. This, here though, was the way to go.
There was something about the wet heat inside a woman that was lost with a condom. I hated using them, but Stephanie was terrified of pregnancy. Robin, on the other hand, swore she was on the pill. I wasn't a true believer in the pill either, so when I was close I pushed her off and squirted my load on her stomach. Of course I knew I couldn't be rude and leave her in the lurch, so I moved my hand between her legs and stroked her clit.
She was panting and moaning for what felt like forever. My hand was getting tired. I began thinking she'd never come, but then she leaned forward, pressed her nose into my neck and almost instantly started screaming and shaking. She finally collapsed against my chest with a smile on her face. "God, you smell good," she sighed contentedly.
I lifted my arm and took a whiff of the body wash from last night. That really was some good shit.
Day 2
Unfortunately, with the boys satisfied, I completely forgot that I was supposed to meet Steph for lunch. I was going to make it up to her, but the voicemail she left me said she'd be working late and she'd talk to me tomorrow.
I figured a night off wouldn't hurt me anyway. I got myself a meatball sub and watched the baseball game. Half way through the game, though, I started missing Steph. I was beginning to wonder if she was right. Maybe it was time we had something more. She said she wanted me to kiss and hold her. I figured that was her way of saying we'd let the romance die. I guess she wasn't wrong. I couldn't remember the last time I took her on a date. Hell, I couldn't remember the last time we got together without the expectation that we were going to fool around. Had I turned our relationship into some sort of booty call?
I figured I'd have to put some effort into the relationship too. Maybe I'd show up for a few more of Mrs. Plum's home cooked meals. Maybe I'd take her out to a movie, we could sit in the back and maybe if I was lucky she'd give me a handie. Shit. I was doing it again. How the hell was I going to keep my mind off of sex and focus on what she needed? I was a man for God's sake. A man with needs. It wasn't that I didn't like kissing and holding her, but if I wasn't going to get laid what was the point?
I drank another beer before cutting myself off, two was my limit when I was on call. It did help put things in perspective though. If I wanted a future with Steph I was going to have to go about it the old fashioned way. I was going to have to date her, woo her, and seduce her like a normal man. No more Morelli charm. No more late night booty calls. No more forgetting about our dates. I had to be focused on her and her needs for once, not the boys' needs.
With that in mind I raced over to her place and let myself in again. She wasn't home from her job yet, so I decided to pamper myself with another shower. Okay, so I just wanted to use her Bulgari body wash again. It's not like I didn't need a shower anyway, it'd be tacky crawling into her bed with another woman's scent on me.
I woke to the sound of my phone at twelve-thirty. "Hello," I mumbled into it.
"Got a body for you," Costanza told me. "Behind Vinnie Plum's office."
"Shit," I said looking over at the empty spot on the bed. Steph wasn't home yet. "It's not…"
"Nah, some dude," he answered, immediately knowing what I was thinking.
"Be there in ten," I told him as I pulled my pants on.
88888888888
Ten minutes later I was standing behind the bonds office Stephanie worked from, looking at a definite mob killing. His hands and his tongue had been removed before he was shot in the head, point blank range. It was an ugly sight, but what really got me was that I knew it was going to be another long day. Mob investigations took forever and usually didn't go anywhere, but we still had to do them.
That wasn't all. I knew this guy, he was the cousin of a girl I dated back in high school. Her uncle was a major player in Trenton's organized crime, but he'd always been somewhat helpful when we needed information. Actually, he usually sent Terri, his niece, she did the talking for the family. And Terri usually asked for me to be her police contact. She said it was because she knew she could trust me, but I had a feeling it was because she liked to take little Joey out for a ride every once and while, for old time's sake.
I was wondering if I'd get to see her today, when the guys called me over to look at the surveillance footage. "You find something good?" I asked.
Costanza laughed, "Oh, yeah."
I looked at the screen, the footage was from earlier in the day. It was still daylight. I waited, watching for whatever they saw. It only took a minute. Stephanie walked around the corner of the building, with Ranger. Ten seconds later he had her pressed up against the side of the building and five seconds after that she looked like she was trying to suck the tongue out of his mouth. What the fuck did she think she was doing?
I couldn't believe she'd make out with that thug in an alley. This made her look like a common whore. What was wrong with her? "Real funny," I bitched at them. "Did you see the killer?"
"Nah, just two guys in black dumping the body," Costanza told me, forwarding the video. He was right, the video was useless. "Heard Ranger just got back into town and came straight here to see her."
"Fuck off," I muttered as I walked away. Her words from the night before were rattling around in my brain. She asked when I'd gotten back into town…she obviously thought I was him, in her bed, kissing her. Fucking shit!
"Morelli," the captain yelled. "Get your ass over to Gilman's."
The guys were all laughing, but fuck them. Fuck Steph. She might have kissed Manoso, but I was off to see Terri Gilman and this time there'd be no guilt associated with her come-ons.
88888888888
Terri Gilman was a beautiful woman, tall, blonde, big tits, and long legs. I was used to her wearing short skirted business suits, tonight she answered the door where a white lacy negligée.
"Joe," she smiled, ushering me in. "Your call got me out of bed."
"Sorry about that," I told her as I took a seat on her couch.
She sat next to me and crossed one long bare leg over the other. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. "What did you need?"
"Someone executed Bobby Blue Eyes," I told her.
She shook her head. "I heard he was talking to the feds," she answered.
"You hear who might not have liked that?" I asked.
"No one liked it."
It was clear that I wasn't going to get any more information from her, but at least I had the confirmation that he was a nark. That'd take the heat off the department and make this fed territory. I was officially off the clock. "And how have you been, Terri?" I asked with a slow smile.
"A little lonely," she told me. I leaned in and pressed my lips to her shoulder. "I thought you were with Plum?"
"We're on a break," I told her.
She smiled and turned her face toward me. Her eyes widened as she moved her face closer, then she inhaled deeply. It was like a switch was flipped. She went from calm and cool to frantic in moments. Her fingers were in my hair, her lips against my neck, and her long legs wrapped around my waist. "You smell so good I could eat you alive," she growled in my ear before she bit the lobe.
I needed more room than the couch could provide if I was going to do all the things running through my head. So I stood, determined to do them all. She was still wrapped around me, so I carried her to her bedroom and dropped her onto the bed.
I got a hold of her foot first, then brought it to my lips so I could suck her toes into my mouth. She always loved that and now was no different. She was writhing and moaning on the bed, practically undone just from the foot play. It was fucking awesome. One thing I always loved about Terri was that I could get her off like that. It's seriously one of the hottest things I've ever seen.
Another thing I loved about her was how flexible she was. While I was working on her foot, she somehow she managed to spin herself around so her head was on the bed, between my legs. She pulled open my jeans, so I helped her shove them down. Then she grabbed my cock and guided it to her mouth. In that upside down angle I could thrust right down into her throat, so I did. Damn, this woman, she was amazing. She took every inch of me without gagging. Hell, she seemed to enjoy it. She was even massaging my balls.
I figured I owed her some reciprocation, plus she was in the right position for a little sixty-nine action. So I tore open the snaps that held the bit of lingerie together and parted her lips. She was so juicy and pink I just needed to taste her. Seconds later her hips shot off the bed and she cried out in delight. I always did like how easily she came. "Holy shit, Morelli. Fuck me, now," she demanded.
I wasn't about to argue, so I flipped her over and slammed into her.
Afterward, she snuggled up against my chest and purred, "What is that scent you're wearing? God, it's making my nipples hard again."
"Again?" I asked.
She smiled as she crawled over my waist. "Oh, yeah. Again."
Day 3
The next day I was positive it was the body wash that had gotten me so lucky. It was magic or something. I thought about it all day. I longed for it. I swore I'd only use it one more time, but in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't true. I'd become some sort of Bulgari junkie. I couldn't help myself. So after work I drove over to Steph's and snuck into her apartment. She wasn't home, but the hamster was watching my shame. That bastard.
I ignored his beady-eyed stare and went into her bathroom. I took the Bulgari out of the cupboard and slipped it into my pocket. I couldn't believe I was stealing body wash, especially from Stephanie. I felt like complete loser, but I had to have it. I needed to test out my theory.
So I drove home, showered with the Bulgari, dressed in some clean clothes, and headed down to Shorty's Pizza. I'd been in there a handful of times over the last few months and had my eyes on one of the waitresses, though she never seemed interested.
I figured she was the test I needed. If she smelled the Bulgari and wanted me I'd know for sure that I was sitting on a sexual goldmine. If not, then I'd just chalk the last two days up to my animal magnetism.
Once I got to Shorty's, I took my seat at a table in the back and ordered a small pizza and a beer. My girl brought the beer with a little smile. "Detective," she smiled. "Where are your friends?"
"I'm flying solo tonight," I told her, hoping she'd get the hint that I didn't intend to stay that way.
"That's too bad," she said. "You're pizza will be up in a couple minutes."
She walked away before I could get close enough for her to smell me, so I waited. I saw her coming back with a breadbasket, so I stood up and pretended not to see her. She ran straight into my chest. I caught her by the upper arms, so she didn't fall, and at the same time managed to get her face pressed into my chest. I felt her shiver in my arms. "You alright," I asked standing her back on her heels.
The look on her face said she'd gotten a good smell of the Bulgari. She was wide eyed and breathless. I was actually glad she wasn't walking, she may have walked into a wall. "I'm fine," she whispered. "I just need to drop this at that table, then I think I'm taking my break. Outside."
Message received. I smiled as I watched her walk away.
I met her outside the backdoor. It wasn't the most romantic spot, in fact it kind of smelled like the garbage dumpster, but I suppose that didn't matter. She didn't seem to notice. She hiked up her skirt and pulled off her panties with a smile.
After that she definitely didn't smell the trash. She had her nose buried in my neck as I fucked her up against the side of the building. Luckily, for us both, the angle was a good one and she clenched around me just as I was about to come myself.
I dropped her to the ground, but she was still clinging to me, smelling my skin. "I can't place that scent, but it makes me so horny I could just keep fucking you all night," she told me.
I smiled to myself. It really was the fucking soap. This shit was like catnip for women. Unbelievable.
"Maybe some other night," I told her. "You gotta get back to work." She pouted a little so I handed her a fifty. "For the pizza. I think my hunger has been satisfied."
I buttoned my jeans as I walked away. "Thank you Bulgari," I whispered to myself.
Day 4
The next day I was confident that the body wash had some sort of mystical powers, but like any addict I couldn't resist the urge to use it again.
I went into the office, thinking maybe I'd see Robin again, but as soon as I got in the captain told me that I had a meeting with the FBI agent in charge of the murder I'd investigated a couple nights ago. Apparently, Agent Winterberg needed my statement about what Terri had said.
I smiled to myself as I drove off to the meeting. There was no way I could tell them everything Terri had said. I doubted the agent would want to know how she praised my dick, but it was an amusing thought.
Fifteen minutes later I was seated in a booth at a diner just outside Trenton. Agent Camilla Winterberg sat across from me. She was forty, stacked, and what I hoped was naturally auburn. I always loved redheads, now I was wondering how I could make the magic Bulgari do its thing so I could find out.
I tried to keep my arms on the table, waving them every so often to get the scent in the air. I still wasn't sure it was working. She didn't seem like she'd been affected at all. Finally, we finished going through all the questions for a second time. I figured we were about done and was slightly disappointed at the soap's failure, but just before I was ready to go she leaned over the table and put her hand on my arm. "You should come out to the van," she told me. "I have some evidence out there."
I smiled as I climbed into the back of the big utility van. It was clearly used for surveillance, not carrying evidence. I knew then that she hadn't been immune to the Bulgari. That was confirmed as soon as she slammed the door.
She hit a light on the little, makeshift desk, then pulled her shirt open and popped the clasp on the front of her bra. Her breasts were big, beautiful, and all natural. They were perfection. I wasn't sure if I wanted to suck them or fuck them, or perhaps both. But I soon found out she had other ideas. "Take your pants off detective, you're going to show me exactly how you interrogated that informant."
I smiled at her. "Yes, ma'am."
I moved closer to her as I took my dick out. She grasped it as she leaned in and licked the vee of skin that was showing by my open collar. "On second thought I think I'd like to taste you first," she answered. "Anything that smells this good, must taste delicious."
I wasn't one to argue. I leaned back as she took me into her mouth.
An hour later I pulled back into the station. Gazzara was at the desk. "FBI ride you hard?" he teased.
I smirked, if he only knew how hard. "You could say that."
"Steph was just in here," he told me. Christ, I'd forgotten all about Stephanie. Again. I was going to have to make a lunch date with her and maybe send her some flowers or something. Our breaks never lasted much longer than this anyway. "With Ranger."
Or maybe not.
Day 5
I'd spent half the day before getting teased by Gazzara and Costanza about Stephanie being with Ranger. I know I shouldn't have let it get to me. It's not like she's technically cheating with him, we are on a break. It was just the way Gazzara was needling me, he was driving me crazy, acting like I was an idiot and blind to what was going on between them. I wasn't.
I know they're friends and that they work closely together. I, also, know that they've slept together when we were in an off period. What people don't understand, though, is that I've never been too worried about her feelings for him. Hell, she could love him all she wanted, because there was no way he'd settle down with her. In the end she'd always come back to me, because she was only an amusement to him.
Besides, I wasn't going to complain about him keeping her busy this week. I had my magic body wash to keep me company. Which, speaking of the Bulgari, was why I was standing in the laundromat next to Shirley Gazzara. I had enough of Eddie's shit. If he wants to laugh at me about having a cheating girlfriend, I could do him one better by giving him a cheating wife.
Shirley was Stephanie's cousin and their looks weren't too different. They were about the same height, weight, same color hair, and eyes. She was what Stephanie would probably look like after she quit working and had a few kids. Not bad.
"How'd you get the day off?" she asked. "Eddie's always working."
Her voice was a nasally whine that was barely tolerable, so I moved closer, hoping the body wash would kick in. I didn't want to prolong the conversation. "I'll probably be called in later," I assured her. "I just wish Stephanie wasn't running around with Ranger, maybe then she'd have time to take care of me like you do Eddie. I sure envy him."
She blushed and smiled at me. "Oh, Joe, she's crazy to run around on you."
"That's nice of you to say."
She moved closer and slipped her arms around me, to give me what I assumed was supposed to be a friendly hug. I felt the exact moment the Bulgari hit her. She staggered back a step and looked at me like she'd never saw me before. "Have you had lunch yet?"
"No."
She blushed again. "Would you like to come over? I can fix you a sandwich."
88888888888888888
A half hour later I had Shirley Gazzara naked on her marital bed. "You're a beautiful woman, Shirley," I told her as I trailed my fingers down her body. "I want to show you how beautiful you are."
She nodded her approval as I replaced my fingers with my lips and teased her body with my tongue. "Will you kiss me, down there?" she whispered. "Eddie doesn't like it."
I smiled at her as I pulled her to the edge of the bed and dropped to my knees. I spread her open and gave her a long, slow lick. "Oh, Shirley, your pussy tastes so sweet," I told her. "I'm going to enjoy this." Then I dove in and fucked her with my mouth.
She was so lost from the orgasms I'd given her, that she didn't refuse anything else I suggested. I used her in every imaginable way, then left her lying on the bed, happy and filled with my cum.
I smiled to myself as I got into my car. Next time Eddie started in on me about Steph, I'd be sure to ask him about the birthmark on his wife's upper thigh. Then again, she was so appreciative of my efforts maybe I'd gave her another tumble instead of provoking him. No sense ruining a good thing to soon.
Day 6
The following day I realized it'd been almost a week since I'd seen Stephanie. That seemed like an appropriate amount of time for a break to me. It was also time she left Ranger for me too. I was sick of all the gossip, and the phone calls, and the teasing. Plus, I actually missed hanging out with her.
The random sex I've been having was great. I couldn't complain about any of the time I spent with those other women, but there was something nice about laying around in my sweats with Steph. I realized she really had been right all along. I did want more than just sex from her. I could get sex anywhere, for all the other stuff, Steph was the only one I wanted to be with.
It was funny to think that this break had been a great idea. All the sex I'd been having was actually the best thing to happen to Steph and me, and I had my magic body wash to thank. Without the Bulgari I would have never figured out that an ordinary life with her was all I wanted.
I figured I'd use the Buglari one more time, just for good luck. So I got myself showered, shaved, and dressed in her favorite jeans. I figured the combination of the magic scent and the worn jeans would have her back in my bed by lunch.
I drove by her place, but she wasn't home. So I went down to Vinnie's, figuring she was eating doughnuts with her friends like they do every morning.
Of course, I was right. I parked in back and came in through the employee door. Stephanie and her co-workers, Connie and Lula, looked up immediately.
"Hey, Cupcake," I smiled at her before helping myself to a doughnut.
Connie leaned forward and took a sniff of my arm. "What is that smell?" she asked me.
Lula's curiosity got the best of her too, so she sniffed my other arm a moment later. This was nice. Maybe it'd show Stephanie that other women wanted me. Maybe then she wouldn't just toss me aside whenever she didn't feel like having sex.
"Seriously, what is that smell?" Connie asked Lula again.
Lula took another sniff, then turned and grabbed Steph. She sniffed her arm too. "What are you doing?" Stephanie asked her.
"You two smell the same," Lula told us. "That's what that smell is." Stephanie frowned at her, but Lula wasn't done investigating. "I thought you said you haven't seen him?"
"I haven't," she said moving closer, apparently ready to take a whiff herself. So I held out my arm. She inhaled and jumped away from me, almost like I burned her. "Is that Bulgari?"
"Yeah," I shrugged. "I borrowed your body wash."
"It's not mine," she huffed. "I use the vanilla birthday cake, you know that."
"Not today you didn't," Lula pointed out. "Or yesterday."
"Or the day before," Connie added. "I always notice when you use it, because it reminds me of…"
Lula's eyes got big at the same time Connie's did. "Well, shiiit. This should be good," Lula laughed.
"What?" I complained, but they both looked away, so I looked at Steph. Then it sunk in, how could she smell like the Bulgari if I took the frickin' bottle? "Whose soap is it then?"
Her answer was a glance out the front window where a brand new black Porsche sat.
Oh, hell no!
"Ranger?" I yelled at her.
"It's the body wash," she whispered back. "I kept smelling it in my bathroom, and in my bedroom. I think I even dreamed about it. I couldn't help myself. I had to see him."
Jesus. Was she serious? I was using the magic body wash and it sent her to Ranger's bed instead of mine? How fucked was that?
"I got a whole bottle at home you can smell," I offered, hoping she'd get on board the Joe Express again.
She crinkled up her nose and shook her head. "It smells weird on you," she said.
"What?" How the hell could that be? Women loved this shit.
"She ain't kiddin', it's funky on you," Lula agreed.
"It's the same scent," I argued.
Connie crinkled up her nose and shook her head. "I read about this, in Cosmo. A person's body chemistry can change the scent of a perfume from person to person." I frowned at her, but she just smiled. "And on you, that scent is kinda sleazy, like something Vinnie would wear."
The fuck? I don't smell like Vinnie!
Stephanie nodded her head in agreement. "She's right, Joe. On you it smells cheap, but on Ranger it's…"
"Erotic," Lula answered, making Steph nod again.
"Oh, yeah," Connie agreed, fanning herself from the memory.
"Women find it erotic on me too," I complained. What the fuck did they know anyway? They sat in this moldy office all day. Their sense of smell had obviously been destroyed. "That's right, Cupcake. Women can't get enough of me when I use the Bulgari."
Stephanie put her hands on her hips and lifted an eyebrow at me. "That's why you stole it? So you could pick up other women?"
Shit. I wasn't answering that. Besides, I wasn't the only guilty party here. She was banging Manoso. The Porsche outside proved that. "Why'd you have his soap in your cabinet?"
"He left it there," she shrugged.
When? That's what I'd like to know. I recognized the scent, I thought she'd been using this shit for years, but now I wondered what else she'd been doing for all that time, or more precisely who she'd been doing all that time. "I've smelled it before, you know?" I accused her. "And not just on you. It's been on your sheets and your clothes."
"He's stayed with me. You knew that."
"You still shower with it sometimes," I complained.
"Only when I shower at his place. Next time I'll bring my own soap. Will that make you happy?"
Happy was not what I was feeling. "Shower at his place?"
She shrugged again, grabbed her files off the desk, and then turned and walked out the front door.
I followed. "Cupcake?"
"Gotta go, Joe," she said fobbing open the Porsche.
"You leave and we're over for good," I warned her.
"Okay."
Okay? "Okay? Just like that, huh?" She just shrugged again. "Well, don't bother crawling back to me when he dumps you. I won't take you back again."
She just smiled at me. "That won't be a problem. You might have the soap, Morelli, but you are no Ranger."
"What?" She couldn't mean she was actually leaving me for that thug, could she?
She just smiled. "I think he's actually ruined me for all other men," she sighed. "He probably did a long time ago, I just didn't know it until I smelled the Bulgari on you. He's the one I should be with. No one else will ever do it for me like he does."
I didn't say anything. What was there left to say? Instead, I stood on the sidewalk and watched her drive away, out of my life.
8888888888888888
After work I drove home, determined to get rid of that Bulgari bullshit once and for all. I went as far as to hold it over the trash can, but as I thought over the week I just had I knew I couldn't do it. So what if it was Manoso's soap? Women that didn't know him loved this shit on me. And I was going to need it now more than ever. My boys hate to be lonely.
So I put it back in the shower where it belonged, then I went online and ordered myself another bottle.