Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

The gang decides to kick their bad habits for New Year's, but it becomes even more difficult when they realize they're under contract to Manny.

1. Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017 Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 15

Airdate: December 30, 2016

"Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017" (cover of the American Dad! episode "Finger Lenting Good")

Segway Segment: 2016 - Year in Memoriam

Original teleplay written by Laura McCreary

#TYH516

SCENE 1

Space Needle Diner

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

Early in the morning, the gang, minus Buster, is having breakfast together.

JAYLYNN: I just don't understand why a writer would want to use someone's real name.

RK: Well, maybe they have a good reason for it. Makes the stories feel more personal or something.

JAYLYNN: I guess. But it's weird to me. Why can't they come up with something original?

Jaylynn briefly glances at the camera then goes back to eating her oatmeal. Buster comes in and starts crying loudly as he approaches the guys. Other customers begin staring at him.

SPARKY: Buster, what happened?!

BUSTER: Sparky, it's...*sniffles*...it's terrible.

WADE: What, did you lose your coloring book again?

BUSTER: I bought a new one! This is about Frankie!

Buster begins to cry some more.

RK: Wait, Frankie Zamboni was locked up?

JAYLYNN: Who the hell is Frankie Zamboni?

RK: Only the most ruthless killer to come out of the West Coast. Legend has it, he once stabbed 19 women in the throat in one night. Wait, why would you be crying over the conviction of a murderer? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME PUNCH YOU?!

BUSTER: It's not about him, it's about Frankie the school janitor! HE'S RETIRING!

Buster takes a napkin and starts crying in it, immediately making the entire napkin wet.

JAYLYNN: What's the big deal?

BUSTER: The big deal? Frankie's the only school janitor I've ever known! His pride in his work, his life lessons, his raspy voice. HE WAS A MAN'S MAN!

Buster continues crying, and at that point, some customers take out their money and leave the diner.

WADE: You know, there was a time when we said we were going to stop making fools out of ourselves in public.

RK: You make me sick crying over a dude who never even made paper like that. By the way, I thought you said you were going to give up crying.

BUSTER: I can't change who I am! I feel things! Maybe you should try it!

RK: Oh, I feel things, alright. I feel like I want to kick your ass IF YOU DON'T STOP YOUR BLUBBERING IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE!

WADE: The irony is killing me right now.

SPARKY: RK, I thought you said you were going to give up screaming. You know, for your New Year's resolution? That you made last year?

RK: I know I made it last year, Sparky, I'm not a dumbass. And anyway, I regret making it. Screaming is good for the soul. How else would Michael Jackson have been able to stand up to his haters?

SPARKY: You know, you two are something else, I swear. You're just as stuck in your ways as Grandpappy MacDougal. Not race wise, more like in terms of gender equality. Wasn't really big on the whole feminist movement. Come to think of it, Grandpappy MacDougal was actually a big fan of civil rights. I think he knew Martin Luther King, Jr. for a couple days. Or was it a couple hours? I forget, but anyway...

RK: Stop. Please. You're giving me diarrhea. I thought your New Year's resolution was to stop rambling.

SPARKY: I don't like being pressured.

Cut to Jaylynn opening a pack of M&M's and pouring the candies on her oatmeal.

WADE: Jaylynn, what are you doing?

JAYLYNN: Being hassled by some little boy?

SPARKY: I think he means your M&M's. You said you were going to cut down on junk food.

JAYLYNN: That was my clone that said that. She was impersonating me.

WADE: I'm pretty sure it was you. At the New Year's Eve party last year.

JAYLYNN: I only said that because Demi was performing and you guys were blocking the TV. I had to get you out of the way!

WADE: Yeah, it seems like you guys have more problems than you're willing to admit.

SPARKY: Oh, like you're a saint. Last year at the party, I know for a fact that you promised to stop slamming people.

WADE: I don't slam people. I just politely point out the ignorance and idiocy that goes on around here.

RK: Let me guess. Are you going to follow that up by asking us who else will do it, if not you?

WADE: What did you say? I didn't hear it. Maybe you should scream it.

RK: Oh, you son of a...

SPARKY: Okay, okay, this breakfast has been a complete disaster. I think it's time for an intervention.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That same day, while the others are sitting down on the couch, Sparky is lecturing them with the help of a whiteboard and several different drawings on it.

SPARKY: In the past 18 months, we have agreed multiple times to get rid of our bad habits...and we've failed multiple times.

RK: Well, I know the reason why: We all suck.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm starting to think we're kinda wack myself.

SPARKY: I'm pretty sure there's more to that, guys. The problem is we say we want to change, but we're never willing to make the sacrifice. We can't commit to anything. I mean, look at the October 17, 2015 example on this whiteboard. We all agreed to set a world record for the largest pizza ever made. None of us even went out to get ingredients.

RK: That's been done before.

SPARKY: Oh, so what you're saying is because Arthur and his friends did it, we couldn't do it? Are you saying they're better than you?

RK: They're not better than me, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

JAYLYNN: Look, Sparky, I get what you're doing here, but we're just not the kind of people to change like that. We like the status quo.

BUSTER: Yeah, we can start doing stuff like that when we're grownups.

RK: Wait a minute. I just figured out the next cool thing we can do. We can make pizzas for people who can't afford the high prices at competing establishments!

WADE: That's a superlative idea!

RK: Isn't it...superlatively? Anyway, we should get on that. Then again, it might take a while to get the supplies and business cards. Plus, we're going to have to advertise really hard. Also, if we don't have a license to handle food, we'll get shut down with the quickness.

BUSTER: Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do it.

JAYLYNN: I was with you a second ago, but that license, I don't know.

RK: Yeah, I'm not into the idea anymore. Sorry, guys, it was fun while it lasted.

WADE: At least we tried to make something out of it.

SPARKY: See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. We didn't even get the business started and already, we're giving up. That's not the Testicular Sound Express I know.

BUSTER: You better not know other people behind my back.

WADE: What do you suggest, Sparky?

SPARKY: Well, last year on New Year's Eve, we all said we were going to kick our bad habits to the curb, and none of us kept our word. This year, it can be different. New Year's Eve is on Saturday, and we're going to try again to stop doing the shitty things we do.

JAYLYNN: That sounds like a lot of work I don't really wanna do.

RK: Yeah, Sparky. You know how hard it is for me to improve myself. I like who I am deep down inside. Doesn't that count for anything?

SPARKY: No, it doesn't. Guys, this is our chance to follow through on something. Prove to ourselves that we're not quitters and we haven't fallen off. Mardi Gras is in February. If we can last from New Year's Eve until then, we passed the test.

WADE: Why don't we just wait until Mardi Gras to do this, and then spend the Lenten season getting rid of our vices?

BUSTER: I like that idea. Let's do that.

SPARKY: NO. We're not running away from this, we're not putting this off, and we're not cracking under the pressure this time. We're going to see this through. No screaming, no crying, no junk food, no sarcasm, and no rambling. Understood?

Beat.

SPARKY: I'm not talking to myself here. UNDERSTOOD?!

BUSTER, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: Understood.

SPARKY: Thank you. You know, it's not that bad. We still have the rest of the week to do whatever we want until the ball drops.

RK: You know what? You're right. I can't wait until the New Year's Eve party. I'm going to scream my little head off.

JAYLYNN: I'm going to bathe in Hershey's syrup and vanilla ice cream tonight. Don't ask me how.

SPARKY: That's what I like to hear. Get it all out of your system so you can be clean for two months.

BUSTER, RK, AND JAYLYNN: TWO MONTHS?!

SPARKY: Well, yeah. The period between New Year's Day and Mardi Gras is two months. Then there's Ash Wednesday, which is the first day of Lent, and a couple weeks later, there's Easter...

RK: Yeah, I get the rest of that, but two months? I don't know if I can make it that long.

Buster raises his hand.

SPARKY: Yes, Buster?

BUSTER: Yeah, can you please explain to me what the hell Lent is? Is that when you learn about the true meaning of sharing?

WADE: If you didn't know what Lent was, why did you agree with me?

BUSTER: I was just doing that to look cool.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays in the background)

On New Year's Eve, the kids are all dancing and blowing streamers while wearing top hats. RK runs around screaming while being shirtless and wearing suspenders.

RK: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! GAAAAAHHHHHH!

RK proceeds to run upstairs while continuing to scream. Cut to Buster and Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Well, dude, this is our last chance to get those bad habits going.

BUSTER: Let's get cracking then.

Buster immediately starts crying while Jaylynn pulls out a Snickers bar and starts eating it.

JAYLYNN: That's really impressive.

BUSTER: Thank you. But it's nothing, really. All I have to do is think about that time I got snuffed at Build-A-Bear.

Cut to Manny talking to Sanna and Ashley.

MANNY: So Sanna, what's your New Year's resolution? Hoping to be a little less Muslim in 2017?

SANNA: What are you talking about? My religion is part of who I am.

MANNY: Yeah, I respect that. I just love the guys who wear the little turbans and smell like food all day.

ASHLEY: You don't know much about Islam, do you?

MANNY: Never said I did.

Cut to Wade, Sparky, and Halley.

WADE: Well, at the end of the night, there goes another Pagan holiday that most people are too self-indulgent to acknowledge.

HALLEY: You know, Sparky, I hope you save me a dance at midnight.

SPARKY: Of course I will. You and I are dating, it's a requirement. Come to think of it, it's not necessarily a requirement. But when it comes down to certain things, certain requirements are necessary in certain situations. I guess Grandpappy MacDougal should have known that before he got married. He always said that a prenup is like keeping your balls uncut.

HALLEY: You are way too interested in the life of your grandpa.

SPARKY: I just miss him a lot, is that so hard to understand?

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all gathering around the TV just before midnight.

SPARKY: Guys, the ball is going to drop any second now! I know because this is when Ryan starts to ramble!

Cut to RK and Anna.

ANNA: Hey RK, can you promise me something?

RK: Sure, what?

ANNA: That in 2017, we'll stay together.

RK: Of course I can. Unless this is a trap and you're planning to leave me first.

ANNA: I love it when you get all paranoid.

Anna kisses RK on the cheek.

RK: COWABUNGA!

Cut to Wade and Adriana.

WADE: You know, that crystal ball looks so beautiful. It almost makes you want to go see it for yourself.

ADRIANA: You want to go to Times Square next year?

WADE: No, I've heard way too many horror stories. Buster can relate, he's been there before. Haven't you, Buster?

The camera pulls back to reveal Buster crying over a picture of Frankie the janitor.

BUSTER: No one can ever fill your shoes.

WADE: It's going to be hard not to comment on stuff like this for two months.

SPARKY: Okay, everybody, count it down!

KIDS: TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

RK: YEAH, QUEENSBRIDGE, MOTHERF***ER!

Beat. All the kids stare at RK.

RK: I always wanted to say that.

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Bitch Clock wakes up on the floor with a confused, glazed look in his eyes.

BITCH CLOCK: Wait a minute? Am I dead?

Bitch Clock's gaze turns over to Sparky.

BITCH CLOCK: OH MY GOD, I AM DEAD! SPARKY'S TEN FEET TALL!

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, calm down. You got crazy drunk last night and now you have a hangover. Wait, why am I saying that like it's a new thing?

BITCH CLOCK: Ugh, I feel weird. I feel lightheaded, a little dizzy, somewhat coherent. Something's wrong here.

SPARKY: What, that you're not sober?

BITCH CLOCK: No, man. I'm not feeling the hangover I'm used to feeling. Wait, pardon me a moment.

Bitch Clock runs into the bathroom and comes back seconds later.

BITCH CLOCK: My drunk driving test came back negative! I'm actually safe behind the wheel of a car! See?

Sparky looks at Bitch Clock's home alcoholic test, which shows one beer bottle.

SPARKY: One bottle? What does that mean?

BITCH CLOCK: Ugh. Every serious drinker knows that if two bottles show up, you're too drunk to drive. But if one bottle shows up, you're good.

SPARKY: So you should celebrate. You didn't wake up this morning puking or having a migraine or thinking I'm a giant pancake.

BITCH CLOCK: But I live for those moments. This means that I didn't get drunk last night. I got buzzed! I'm a failure!

SPARKY: A failure for not drinking yourself to death?

BITCH CLOCK: I can't believe that the last mark of my drinking career in 2016 is...getting buzzed. Sparky, you CANNOT tell anyone about what I did. If this gets out, I'll be the laughingstock of my friends. PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING!

Beat.

SPARKY: Have you ever had a job?

SCENE 6

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

That same day, the gang is at the table drinking apple juice.

SPARKY: Well, sports fans, the first day of the new year. How does it feel?

RK: Hopefully, things are less shitty in 2017 than in 2016. I can tell you that much.

SPARKY: That's great. You guys having any temptations?

JAYLYNN: Are you doing this to punish me? No, seriously, did I hurt you in a past life or something?

SPARKY: Of course not.

JAYLYNN: Then why am I here? Surrounded by ice cream and soda and other sugary stuff? I mean, apple juice? Seriously? God, I feel like I'm back in kindergarten.

BUSTER: Frankie's retirement ceremony is the first day back from break. But I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

RK: If you even think about crying that day...

Sparky clears his throat.

RK: I'll, um...give you the hug of a lifetime.

WADE: You know, Sparky, I think it's a tall order for all of us to remove our negative qualities cold turkey.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I mean, we had the idea, didn't have the idea. Why can't we just forget about it?

SPARKY: You have to be kidding me. It hasn't been a whole 24 hours yet and we're already throwing in the towel?

BUSTER: No, I don't think towels have anything to do with it. We just want to keep doing our things.

Sparky sighs. Cut to the guys leaving Ike's.

RK: Sparky, maybe for our New Year's resolution, we can change it into not having to be people pleasers all the time. Is that good enough for you?

Manny walks up to the guys.

MANNY: Hey dudes. How's your New Year's going? Keeping your resolutions?

RK: Oh yeah, we're so gonna forget about that. It's just not our thing to change.

SPARKY: We never agreed to forget about this.

RK: I don't know, it seemed obvious to me.

MANNY: Oh, that's too bad. If you do that, you won't be honoring your contract.

JAYLYNN: Contract? What contract?

MANNY: This contract.

Manny pulls out a contract that the five kids read.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, we did sign a contract. It says here that we have to stay away from our bad habits until Mardi Gras, no exceptions.

RK: I need video evidence. I don't admit to anything unless I have video evidence.

MANNY: Lucky for you, I have an obsession with recording stuff.

Manny takes out his phone and shows the guys the video of them signing his contract.

MANNY: Okay, guys. You sign this and you'll all have to follow through on your New Year's resolutions. Or else I'm going to shave the hair off the first person who cracks.

BUSTER: Are you going to get rid of all the hair on our bodies?

MANNY: Hell no, just your head.

WADE: Well, I can't say no to fine print.

RK: If I don't sign this, then I don't have to honor the contract. That means I'm above the law. Yeah, sorry, I'm not signing this.

SPARKY: You're signing this or else I'm kidnapping your cat.

RK: Okay, don't start pitching a fit.

Manny then turns the phone over to Bitch Clock hitting on Ashley.

BITCH CLOCK: So babe, how about we get a nice little Cheesy Gordita Crunch at the Bell? That's what I like to call Taco Bell because I'm smooth like that.

ASHLEY: Bitch Clock, for the last time, I'm not Ariana Grande.

BITCH CLOCK: I bet that hair on Sam & Cat wasn't even real.

Manny turns off the video.

RK: I need a lawyer present. I don't admit to anything unless I have a lawyer present.

MANNY: Look, the fact of the matter is, all of you signed the contract last night. So if I were you, I would keep your New Year's resolution. You know, unless you want to look like a chemo patient.

BUSTER: Oh no! This can't be life! Don't worry. I know how to negotiate with these types.

Buster starts dancing as he never takes his eyes off Manny.

MANNY: What the hell are you doing?

BUSTER: I'm dancing for my life! That's what you really want, isn't it? For me to look like a clown?

JAYLYNN: Buster, I think it's clear what Manny really wants.

BUSTER: He's just testing us to see how we take it. DANCE, ALL OF YOU!

The kids continue giving Buster bizarre looks as he starts voguing.

SCENE 7

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The scene picks up from the last one as the kids stare Manny down.

JAYLYNN: Great. We had a chance to get out of this but thanks to Manny's stupid contract, we have to do the right thing. This sucks.

SPARKY: You know what? This is exactly what we need.

WADE: What? Sparky, you can't be serious. We can't be under shady legal documentation!

BUSTER: Yeah. Who do you think we are, rappers?

SPARKY: The way I see it, we all had no problems signing it last night.

WADE: Well, yeah. But there's nothing wrong with a little lapse of judgment every now and then!

SPARKY: Look, all we ever do is say we're going to do this and that but we never follow through. We always give up halfway. And now that there's an actual punishment waiting for us, we have a reason to keep our word this time.

MANNY: See, this is why Sparky leads you guys. He knows what time it is.

RK: And I know an ass-kisser when I see one. By the way, why would you just so happen to have a contract for us anyway?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You're the ultimate slimeball. I'm pretty sure Katie MacPherson is still waiting for you to call her.

MANNY: Forget that bitch, have you ever heard her laugh? Sounds like a cat coughing up a rolled-up newspaper. But you guys are right. I'm sort of a scumbag. I like kicking girls to the curb, saying the wrong thing. And Lord knows there's nothing better than skipping school to cop the newest Jordans.

BUSTER: I bought a pair of Keds online that one time.

MANNY: But every year when New Year's comes around, I promise myself that I'm going to change my ways. I usually give up after a week or two, but during that time, I make sure I do one good deed. And this year, my good deed is making sure you guys keep your New Year's resolutions for the next two months. I'm helping you help yourselves.

RK: That still doesn't satisfy me.

MANNY: Well, last night, I was skulking around and heard you guys bitch and moan about your bad habits. So I wrote up a contract and now you guys have to do what you say you're gonna do. I mean, I wouldn't want any of you to lose your hair.

WADE: You're just going to shave the head of the first person who caves, right?

MANNY: Yup, the first person. Honestly, I'm really hoping it's Buster.

BUSTER: Why me?

MANNY: I always hated the fact that you have straight blonde hair and I don't. I COULD HAVE IT TOO!

BUSTER: So why don't you?

MANNY: See, this is exactly why I want you to be the first. Well, I'm off now. I need to tell Will all the reasons why his cousin can't stop thinking about me.

Manny whistles as he twirls the contract in the air and walks away from the guys.

RK: Well, I think I know what we have to do. We have to kill Manny.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That day, RK is writing on his notepad when KG comes in.

KG: Hey there, brother. What's going down?

RK: Ah, Manny forced me and the guys to sign this dopey contract and now we have to keep our New Year's resolutions for two months. If one of us cracks, we're going to have to get our head shaved.

KG: He can't do that to you guys. You want me to, you know, have a little man-to-man with Manny?

RK: No need. I have ways to take care of that chump. Besides, it's not all bad.

KG: How so?

RK: Well, to take my mind off screaming, I decided to channel that energy into something positive. I think there's something in psychology about that, but I don't give enough of a shit to look it up.

KG: And this positive thing is...

RK: Writing fake names for rock bands. Check this out. Electrical Arrogance, 10,000 Snakepit Junkies, Confusion of Chaotic Empowerment, and the Vagabond Brigade.

KG: The Vagabond Brigade?

RK: Yeah, I'm just putting words together that sound cool. You ever had a bad habit you couldn't break, bro?

KG: Oh, absolutely. You're talking to the guy who still drinks Juicy Juice like water.

RK: What's wrong with Juicy Juice?

KG: When you're 14 and you bring it to lunch, you'll understand. But my all-time bad habit was, um...well, it was about, um...updating my software.

RK: Updating your...oh, I know what you mean. You, um, enjoy downloading your floppy?

KG: No one uses that term anymore. So anyway, last year, it got pretty bad because my computer suffered a virus. So for a while, I couldn't update my software, you know.

RK: Understood.

KG: I tried everything to take my mind off it. But no matter what, I would go right back to updating my software a few days later.

RK: So how did you kick the habit?

KG: Well, instead of thinking about how much I wanted to do it, I just went ahead and did other cool things. The virus went away like that and I was able to go two months without a single update.

RK: So I just need to find other exciting things to do.

KG: Exactly.

RK: Well, what do you suggest I do to stop thinking about screaming?

KG: There are a whole bunch of things you could do. Like the stack of old magazines and newspapers in the kitchen. Someone could take that stack to the recycling center. You know, save someone else the trouble.

RK: Wonderful. I can't scream, and now I'm being asked to do chores. Welcome to 2017.

RK takes the stack and puts it in a red cart near the kitchen door, then wheels the cart towards the door.

KG: Wait, you can't just take them like that.

RK: What are you talking about?

KG: Some of those magazines still have my name and address on them. You have to cross them off before anyone sees it.

RK: If you knew that, then why didn't you cross them off yourself?

KG: It's part of my process. One day, you'll understand.

RK growls and wheels the cart back into the kitchen.

SCENE 9

Northgate Community Center

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn and Anja are leaving the community center.

JAYLYNN: I tell ya, Anj, I really don't know about this whole contract thing. I mean, it was fine before when I was just doing it for Sparky, but now? My hair's on the line, man!

ANJA: I thought I told you how I feel about you calling me that.

JAYLYNN: Would be nice if you actually had something to add to this conversation, Anj.

ANJA: Look, Jaylynn, staying away from junk food for two months isn't as hard as you make it. There's plenty of other stuff you can eat. And besides, you've been bald before.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but that time, I had no choice. This time, one slip up and my beautiful hair is going to Manny. There's no way I'm going to let that happen.

ANJA: Well, it's not going to happen. You need any guidance or support, I'm here for you.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Anja. As long as I have you to keep me grounded, this is going to be a slam dunk.

Jaylynn and Anja pass by a poster for cheesy tots at Burger King. Jaylynn stops dead in her tracks.

ANJA: Jaylynn, are you okay?

JAYLYNN: They have cheesy tots.

ANJA: Oh no.

JAYLYNN: THEY HAVE CHEESY TOTS! THIS IS A HUGE EVENT! GET THE MEDIA DOWN HERE, THIS IS FREAKING AWESOMESAUCE! LET'S GO EAT THEM!

ANJA: Jaylynn, don't fall for it. It's just a cheap marketing strategy. Those cheesy tots are going to ruin your chances.

JAYLYNN: But Burger King's always been there for me.

ANJA: Not this time. From now until Mardi Gras, Burger King is the enemy. And everything like it.

JAYLYNN: Alright, Anja. I hear you. I have to make the sacrifice.

ANJA: Come on, man. I'll feed you some nice apples and granola at my place.

JAYLYNN: I sure am looking forward to that.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, the guys are all together. Sparky is holding a big bowl of popcorn.

SPARKY: A nice movie night will definitely take our minds off this whole New Year's thing.

RK: I actually wasn't thinking about it until you brought it up. See, unlike you guys, I tried to stay sober by going down to the recycling center. And it felt good.

Bitch Clock comes out of the kitchen at that moment with a can of Budweiser.

BITCH CLOCK: What did you just say? Promoting sobriety while there are kids in the room?

RK: What? No, I was just saying that...

BITCH CLOCK: Because that's how it starts! Saying you're not gonna drink anymore. Promoting a clean, straight edge lifestyle. Then you stop getting drunk and you start getting buzzed. Pretty soon, you cancel nights at the bar, meet some hot dime a dozen gym instructor you met on Instagram, and THEN YOU GET MARRIED IN UTAH WITHOUT EVEN OFFERING ME THE POSITION OF A GROOMSMAN! Don't be that guy, RK. DON'T.

Bitch Clock groans and walks upstairs.

BITCH CLOCK: F***!

JAYLYNN: Your alarm clock has problems.

SPARKY: Trust me, I know it.

RK: Okay, why don't we just forget whatever that was and pick a movie? Hey, they're showing My Girl! I remember they played that in school.

BUSTER: Oh no. The waterworks are going to come down whenever I see that movie.

RK: Okay, how about Are We There Yet?

BUSTER: Nope. Too emotional to deal with.

RK: You're kidding me, right? You're seriously going to cry when you see that movie?

BUSTER: Of course I am. It just reminds me that the old Ice Cube died years ago.

WADE: As if the...um...

RK: As if the, um, what, Wade? Finish your sentence.

WADE: Well, no, I can't. I was going to make a sarcastic joke at Ice Cube's expense, but then I would lose and my head would get shaved off. So you know what? I'm just going to stay quiet as a church mouse.

SPARKY: Good for you, Wade.

Cut to RK looking at Buster flip through channels.

RK: Are you going to pick something or what?

BUSTER: I'm trying. There's nothing but tear jerkers on!

Cut to Jaylynn watching Sparky eat the popcorn.

JAYLYNN: So you're just going to eat that in front of me? You're trying to make me break, aren't you? YOU WANT ME TO BE THE FIRST TO CRACK!

SPARKY: I don't want anyone to crack.

JAYLYNN: THEN PUT AWAY THE DAMN POPCORN!

Cut back to RK looking at Buster.

RK: Buster, I'm not a very patient person. So if you don't pick a freaking movie within the next ten seconds, I'm going to grab you by your collar, take you to the backyard, and stuff that remote so far down your throat that your stomach will be used to record shows. Do you understand me?

BUSTER: I don't get it.

RK growls as Buster continues to flip through channels. Cut back to Jaylynn looking at Sparky eat the popcorn.

JAYLYNN: I can't take it anymore!

Jaylynn swipes the bowl of popcorn from Sparky and tosses it out the window, breaking the glass. Manny comes in at that very moment.

MANNY: I think Jaylynn's beating you guys. Taking away the temptation. I like it.

Wade runs to Manny and goes down on his knees.

WADE: Manny, please, this is inhumane! This is perverse! This is...madness! That third word didn't even perfectly slip into my rant! I'm losing my mind here, man, JUST RIP UP THE DAMN CONTRACT!

RK: So much screaming. I guess everybody's against me.

RK sees that Buster is still flipping through channels. He takes the remote and tosses it out the window.

MANNY: You know, if one of you wants your head shaved now, that will be more than enough.

RK: Eh, that doesn't sound good to me.

SPARKY: Then stop complaining. Look, guys, I know it's hard to quit something we're used to, but we have to stick with it. It's only been one day. We still have 58 more to get through.

RK: You're making it harder and harder for me to not black out on every single person I see. And anyway, how do we know Manny's really gonna shave our heads off? It's probably just to scare us.

MANNY: You really think so?

Manny reaches in his pocket and takes out several different locks of hair, slamming them all on the table. Everybody in TSE screams but RK.

RK: I'm still not impressed.

BUSTER: Why do you have those?

MANNY: Well, I got my hands on this razor when I went to Ashley's house for a project. I tried using it to get dates with girls, but I struck out every single time. So I had to go with Plan B and just...skip to shaving heads.

The kids all stare at each other in bewilderment. Cut to black.

SEGWAY SEGMENT

Fade back in. RK is shown in a tuxedo standing on the stage of an empty theatre.

RK: Good evening everybody. You know, 2016 was a great, um...it was a decent, um...it was a year, okay? And this year was a terrible year for celebrity deaths. We lost beloved icons and legends that gave everything they had to try and entertain us, or left an undeniable impact on the world. So tonight, we here at Thank You, Heavenly would like to pay our respects to those who left us in 2016. And we hope for a much better 2017. Happy New Year.

RK presses his remote and a slideshow of deceased notable figures starts playing on the projector.

("Everything I Am" by Kanye West featuring DJ Premier plays in the background)

Images of the following people are shown on screen: David Bowie (born 1947), Alan Rickman (born 1946), Glenn Frey (born 1948), Maurice White (born 1941), Joe Alaskey (born 1952), Vanity (born 1959), Harper Lee (born 1926), Tony Burton (born 1937), Nancy Reagan (born 1921), Sir George Martin (born 1926), Frank Sinatra Jr. (born 1944), Phife Dawg (born 1970), Joe Garagiola (born 1926), Garry Shandling (born 1949), Patty Duke (born 1946), Doris Roberts (born 1925), Prince (born 1958), Morley Safer (born 1931), Alan Young (born 1919), Muhammad Ali (born 1942), Kimbo Slice (born 1974), Gordie Howe (born 1928), Christina Grimmie (born 1994), Anton Yelchin (born 1989), Pat Summitt (born 1952), Elie Wiesel (born 1928), Garry Marshall (born 1934), Kenny Baker (born 1934), Jack Riley (born 1935), Gene Wilder (born 1933), Jose Fernandez (born 1992), Arnold Palmer (born 1929), Rod Temperton (born 1949), Thomas Mikal Ford (born 1964), Janet Reno (born 1938), Leonard Cohen (born 1934), Florence Henderson (born 1934), Fidel Castro (born 1926), Alan Thicke (born 1947), Craig Sager (born 1951), Zsa Zsa Gabor (born 1917), George Michael (born 1963), Ricky Harris (born 1962), Carrie Fisher (born 1956), and Debbie Reynolds (born 1932). Fade to black.

SCENE 11

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Buster is watching TV when RK walks in.

RK: Hey there, buddy. Have I ever told you how special you are to me?

BUSTER: Not recently.

RK: Well, you are. And as my very special friend, I think it would be dope if you let Manny shave your head.

BUSTER: It's a set-up! I'm not buying what you're selling, RK!

RK: Come on, man, you heard what Manny said. All he wants is to shave someone's head. Once he does, the contract gets ripped up and we can go back to being who we really are. So just let him have your hair.

BUSTER: Forget it. I think we owe it to Sparky to give this a shot.

RK: You're telling me you're falling for that rah rah mumbo jumbo? Buster, this isn't as important as Sparky makes it. The world is full of flaws. That's what separates the real from the fake. Don't you want to get your head shaved? For the real dudes out there in the streets?

BUSTER: The streets never did anything for me, so no. Why don't you get your head shaved?

RK: There's no way I'm letting Manny give me the Sinead O'Connor look. Dude, this no screaming thing is bugging the hell out of me. Someone in this group has to crack and if they don't, I'll make them.

BUSTER: Too bad you can't catch anyone cracking by mistake. Then we would all be off the hook.

RK: Buster, that's it! It's time for another RK Jennings signature moment. All I have to do is use someone's bad habit against them. But who's the right guy for the job?

Beat.

RK: The sarcastic one.

BUSTER: The sarcastic one.

SCENE 12

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The next day, joined by Buster, RK walks up to Wade's door with a book in his hand.

RK: It's time to set the trap.

BUSTER: RK, are you sure this is going to work? What if Wade catches on?

RK: Trust me, he's not. One thing I know is Wade loves being right. Once I say a couple of dumb things, he won't resist slamming me. I record it, show it to Manny, Wade gets his head shaved, and I can go back to screaming the way God intended.

RK opens the door and Buster follows him. Wade looks up from his book.

RK: Hey Wade.

BUSTER: Mister Wade.

WADE: Hey guys.

RK: You know, Wade, I was looking through this here book I picked up and it turns out that Pluto is a planet again. That sounds like pretty big news to me.

WADE: What? A huge scientific event like that wouldn't already be in a fully published text. Let me see that book.

Wade goes through the book and looks at one of the front pages.

WADE: A-ha. I knew it. This book was made in 2004. Pluto was still a planet then. You probably just got the year wrong. No big deal.

RK: It's not?

WADE: Why would it be? Although, I'm a little enraged for you getting my hopes up like that.

BUSTER: Wade, you're stupid.

WADE: I'm what?

BUSTER: You're stupid and you smell and your clothes are way better than your living room color scheme. It's like, come on, man. Work with what you have.

WADE: I happen to have a fine color scheme. In fact, I might go so far as to say that...

Jaylynn comes out of the bathroom.

JAYLYNN: WADE, DON'T!

RK: Jaylynn? Of course, just when we were about to clinch it.

WADE: Clinch it?

JAYLYNN: They're baiting you. They just want you to be the first to crack.

WADE: Of course they do. I should have known. It's a good thing I've been trying to keep my composure all day, or I would have been on the road to a head shaving in no time.

RK: What are you even doing here? Things are going from bad to worse now.

JAYLYNN: I'm here to hang out with Wade. And you should also know that as long as I'm breathing, I'm going to make sure you cave first.

RK: No way! This is a trap within a trap!

WADE: Exactly. And I have a couple tricks up my sleeve too. Wade clears his throat. Lucy Hale is the most entertaining, attractive, and intelligent woman in show business. When Pretty Little Liars ends, it's going to go down in history as one of the greatest television shows ever made.

RK: My brain...my precious brain.

JAYLYNN: Then again...Buster, you're a One Direction stan, right?

BUSTER: I'm an enthusiast, not a stan.

JAYLYNN: We all have our opinions. Anyway, enjoy my new favorite song that they made.

Jaylynn starts playing "I Wish" by One Direction on her phone. She has a sly smile on her face.

BUSTER: No. One of the most powerful songs known to man! This isn't right!

Jaylynn starts walking closer to Buster as he crawls away in fear. He then freezes up near the front door.

BUSTER: Those voices...I can't do this. RK, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO SOMETHING!

RK: Don't worry, Buster. The reinforcements are coming!

RK runs to Jaylynn's phone and increases the volume of "I Wish," making Buster scream in terror.

BUSTER: YOU SCREWED ME!

RK: Yes, I did. But remember, Buster. I gave you an out and you didn't want to take it. It's just the way the game goes, buddy.

RK then starts singing "I Wish" as Wade joins in with a lighter. Buster continues screaming when Sparky walks in.

SPARKY: What the hell is going on here?!

BUSTER: They were trying to make me break! The fix was in!

SPARKY: So why didn't you just leave?

Beat.

BUSTER: I dunno.

SPARKY: You guys are savages, you know that? I mean, this is only the second day of the pact.

Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn all groan in annoyance.

SPARKY: Like I said, savages. You know, I was going to check on you guys to see if you were keeping it cool, but now I'm just going to go home and text Halley until I fall asleep.

Sparky shrugs and leaves the house. Wade closes the door.

JAYLYNN: What a waste of time. We were so close to ending this until Sparky came through and killed it.

RK: I think it's time we admit to ourselves what the real problem is.

BUSTER: That you're a big fat bag of dicks?

RK: No. But I have a way to end this. It's time for the second RK Jennings signature moment of the day.

BUSTER: That's great. But I think it's time for a Buster Newman signature moment also.

RK: Really? What is it?

Buster knocks out RK with one punch, does the D-Generation-X crotch chop, and leaves while Wade and Jaylynn look at each other in shock.

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That same day, Sparky opens the door and finds a mysterious note on the table.

SPARKY: What is this? "We have your friends locked up in an abandoned warehouse. If you ever want to see them again, call this number for negotiations." OH MY GOD!

Sparky immediately pulls out his phone and dials the number written on the note.

SPARKY: Look, I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you better give me my friends back!

KIDNAPPER: You should have taken better care of them. They were just wandering around when we choked them and stuffed them in our van. Now we're going to cut their heads off.

SPARKY: YOU MONSTERS! What's it going to take for you to let them go?

KIDNAPPER: All you need to know is gaba bra gaba bra rackle rackle.

SPARKY: I'm sorry, what did you say?

KIDNAPPER: I said bugurba durba ticka ba gaba bra. BRACKA! BRACKA!

SPARKY: Could you stop that? You sound like my grandpa did the time he got a frog in his throat. Of course, it wasn't an actual frog, but damn, he sounded creepy. He couldn't talk right for three days due to some strange vocal condition. But boy, Grandpappy MacDougal could sing. Not like Michael or Freddie or anyone like that, but he could lay down a nice vocal. *sighs* He always wanted to eat a plate of frog legs.

At that point, the kids burst through the basement door.

BUSTER, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: A-HA!

SPARKY: Wait, what? How did you...

RK: It was a set-up. We used Bitch Clock's phone number because you apparently never learned it, and we have your whole rambling recorded.

SPARKY: Why in God's name would you fake a kidnapping?

RK: So you would break and we could stop this insanity. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have gotten in this mess in the first place.

Manny walks through the front door.

MANNY: Something feels wrong here. I didn't punch anyone in the face, so it can't be that.

JAYLYNN: Sparky rambled.

MANNY: Is that true, ese vato?

SPARKY: Yes, it's true. I caved, alright?

MANNY: Well, it looks like you're gonna have to get your head shaved.

WADE: Only the first person to crack had to go through with it, right? Just to be sure?

MANNY: Yes. That was the deal.

WADE: My cynicism returns!

JAYLYNN: We're off the hook!

Jaylynn takes out a bag of nacho cheese Doritos while Buster starts crying, almost on cue.

BUSTER: I feel like I can see the world for what it is again.

RK punches Buster in the arm.

RK: YOU SUCK FOR PUNCHING ME!

Buster continues crying while Sparky has a look of disgust on his face.

MANNY: So Sparky, when do you want to have the ceremony?

SPARKY: I guess we can do it on Friday. But I have a request.

MANNY: Sure, what is it?

SPARKY: I want to stick the razor up each of these guys' asses when we're done.

MANNY: Ohhhh, he just came straight for your heads and everything.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The kids are near Sparky's locker the next morning. Buster is crying, Jaylynn is going through a pack of Skittles, and RK is talking to Wade.

WADE: You know, RK, it's a miracle to me that your harebrained scheme actually worked.

RK: See, that's what you get for doubting the White Mamba. NO LOSSES TAKEN!

Sparky slams his locker shut and sighs.

RK: Sparky, you've been a little frustrated all morning. Is something wrong?

SPARKY: Oh no, I'm fine, RK. I'm just kinda bothered by this one tiny thing.

RK: Oh yeah, what's that?

SPARKY: THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO GET MY HEAD SHAVED BALD ON FRIDAY, YOU JACKASS!

RK: Look, if it means anything, I take 60% responsibility for what happened. And to be fair, you did seem the most willing to do this.

SPARKY: Yeah. If I ended up cracking under my own power. Not when you guys trick me just so you can go back to your stupid bad habits.

JAYLYNN: You know, when you think about it, we really did drop the ball on this one.

RK: Oh no. Sparky, you're right. We did drop the ball. But don't worry. We got your ass in the frying pan and we're getting you out. All we need are plane tickets to Canada, a getaway car, some fake ID's, and every flavor of Pop Tarts.

BUSTER: Why every flavor?

RK: We're going to be in Canada for a long time.

WADE: While that plan sounds just insane enough to work, I actually have something grounded in reality. All we need to do is dust off the old time machine.

SCENE 15

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

That same afternoon, the kids are standing around while Wade wipes off the time machine. Jaylynn is now eating an entire bowl of Skittles.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, how have you not gotten tired of that?

JAYLYNN: I'll do what I want!

WADE: Okay, that should take care of it.

SPARKY: What's the plan here? You mentioned the time machine hours ago but conveniently left out everything else.

WADE: Well, when you really think about it, most of our problems could just be resolved by going back in time and fixing them. So what if there was a way to prevent us from ever signing Manny's contract?

SPARKY: Go on.

WADE: RK and I are going to go back in time to the New Year's Eve party and get Manny kicked out. Once he does, it will change the timeline meaning that Manny's contract never existed, and you never have to get your head shaved.

SPARKY: I don't really know about this.

RK: Don't worry, it's going to work. I mean, it's a time machine. What's the worst that could happen?

WADE: All I have to do is put in the coordinates and we'll be set.

Wade goes inside the time machine and leaves the others standing around.

RK: I think this is going to work, don't you?

SPARKY: Honestly, I'm still pissed at you.

RK: Why just me? Everyone else went along with it!

Sparky then stares at Buster and Jaylynn, who turn away from him. Wade comes back from the machine.

WADE: Okay, RK, the machine's ready to go. Let's do this.

RK: Don't worry, Sparky, we have your back. But in my defense, most of it was Jaylynn's fault.

RK and Wade go inside the machine and a surge of energy comes through for a couple seconds.

SPARKY: Is it true? Was most of it your fault, Jaylynn?

Jaylynn opens her mouth in disgust.

THREE MINUTES LATER...

RK and Wade return with widened eyes and a slow walk out of the machine.

SPARKY: Guys, what happened?!

RK: He had a gun. I don't know where he got it from, but he threatened to kill us if we didn't let him stay.

WADE: Yeah, now I know why we don't time travel anymore.

BUSTER: Wait, so that's it? Sparky's hair is donezo?

WADE: I'm afraid so.

JAYLYNN: Why can't Halley do anything about this? I'm sure she can kick Manny's ass like that.

RK: Trust me, you don't want it with Manny. Not after what we just went through.

WADE: I guess we're just going to have to figure out a safer escape plan.

SPARKY: You know what, guys? I'm not going to run away from this.

At that point, a blob of Skittles falls from Jaylynn's mouth.

JAYLYNN: What?! Oh, sorry, Wade.

WADE: I can always replace the carpeting.

SPARKY: Look, I signed the contract, I was the first one to crack, and I have to deliver on my promise. If I don't go through with this, I'm no different from you guys. I'm going to let Manny shave my head, no matter what.

Sparky leaves the room and the others bow their heads.

BUSTER: Well, there's no way I'm going to let Sparky go to school without any hair. I need wig suggestions from all of you by Thursday night. No extensions.

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

("Slow Chemical" by Finger Eleven plays in the background)

There is a mysterious red lighting in Sparky's kitchen on Friday night as he enters. Manny is waiting by the counter dressed in a black cloak. Buster cries as RK, Wade, and Jaylynn look on in disappointment.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe it's come to this.

RK: But you knew what was going to happen already.

JAYLYNN: I know, that's just what people say when they don't want something to happen.

MANNY: Sparky MacDougal, you were the first kid in your group to crack. Because of that, your head is getting shaved tonight. As for your friends, they get to keep their hair. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

SPARKY: Yeah. I do.

MANNY: Sparky, you not only broke your contract with me, you broke your contract with God. You're the weak link in your group, you're at the bottom of the pyramid, and you're the absolute worst. Now sit down, ese vato, I have some hair to cut.

SPARKY: Uh huh.

Sparky sits in the barber's chair while Manny does his final preparations. The camera cuts back and forth between the razor, Sparky's nervous expression, and the others' disappointed expressions. Manny turns on the razor, and he is just about to make contact with Sparky's hair.

RK: STOP! DON'T DO IT! IT WAS ME! I TRICKED SPARKY INTO CAVING!

MANNY: What?

RK: Sparky's an innocent victim in all this. All he wanted was for us to follow through on something, but we failed him. He's the only one that challenged us to do better. So if anyone's going in that chair tonight, it's going to be me.

BUSTER: No, don't take his hair, take mine! I'm Sparky's best friend and I didn't do anything to stop this. I'M AN ACCESSORY!

JAYLYNN: We used to be pen pals, I'm an accessory too! It doesn't even take that long to cut this off.

WADE: You can take my hair, my eyebrows, even my carpeting!

MANNY: Yo, this is mad cool. You guys being responsible and shit, sticking up for Sparky. I like it. You know what? Forget the contract.

Manny rips up the contract.

MANNY: You're even gonna make me cry.

BUSTER: Well, if only we had this idea four days ago!

JAYLYNN: Aren't you happy, Sparky? None of us have to get our heads shaved.

SPARKY: Yeah, you're right. But at the end of the day, it's just one more thing we didn't commit to.

WADE: Hey, where's RK?

The camera pulls back to reveal that RK is gone.

BUSTER: Maybe he couldn't take the emotion?

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bathroom

Seattle, Washington

("So Easy" by Chris Tait plays in the background)

RK takes a deep breath as he looks in the mirror, then turns on the razor and starts shaving his head. He feels the left side of his head, which is completely bald, and then combs the right side.

RK: Wait, what am I doing?

RK continues shaving his head and watches the remaining locks of his hair fall in the sink. Once RK completes shaving his head, he takes every lock of his hair and scoops them up into a grocery bag.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

A bald RK returns with the grocery bag. Upon seeing him, everyone screams in shock.

RK: Yeah, someone had to do it.

SPARKY: RK, you shaved your own head?!

RK: Of course I did. Look, Sparky, you were right. We promised hair and for once, we're going to follow through.

RK gives the bag to Manny.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe you went through with it. You always said your hair was a part of you.

RK: Eh, well, it looks like I'll have to start over. I kinda like it. Makes me look like a badass movie star who can't act, but he's good for promo.

SPARKY: RK, you didn't have to do this. The contract was ripped up.

RK: Doesn't matter to me. You just wanted us to commit to something and I almost made you pay for it. This time, I was gonna make sure we keep our word.

SPARKY: Ah, RK, you're the best.

JAYLYNN: We're sorry we couldn't handle the pressure, Sparky.

SPARKY: You know what? For once, it's okay. We may not have broken our bad habits, but in the end, we stuck together and kept our promise. And that's all that really matters.

MANNY: You know, that was all part of my plan to get you guys to learn what it means to stick to something.

Beat.

RK: No, it wasn't.

BUSTER: Yeah, you had nothing to do with this.

MANNY: Of course I did. I knew you guys were trying to do what you said you would, so I set up this whole thing and knew you guys would come together to save Sparky.

Beat.

WADE: No, you didn't.

JAYLYNN: You didn't give a shit what happened to us. You just wanted to shave someone's head.

MANNY: And that was all part of the plan.

Beat.

RK: You know what? I'm going to go call Ashley and tell her to get her razor.

JAYLYNN: Use my phone, I have her on speed dial.

RK and Jaylynn leave the kitchen. Manny gives Sparky, Buster, and Wade a nervous smile.

SPARKY: Manny, when did you get this red lighting in my house?

Cut to black.

("Greedy" by Ariana Grande plays in the end credits)

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NEW EPISODES RETURN JANUARY 22