Numb

Author's Note~ Okay, so I decided to rewatch 4.04. Apparently, I'm a masochist. But, I realized the problem that I had with it the first time. Klaine. That plot was so poorly executed, although Chris acted the hell out of it. There were a lot of loose threads, so this is basically my reaction-fill-in-the-blanks fic with a dose of Hummelberry because I love Rachel. By the way, the title comes from a Linkin Park song and I found it suitable for Kurt in this.

Also, I quoted this episode from the top of my head. Is that sad?

Warnings: Angst. Lots of angst. There isn't a happy ending either, so if you're looking for a fic where Klaine make up and the sun decides to shine, then you're at the wrong place. I got depressed while writing this.

Disclaimer: If Glee belonged to me, I wouldn't have kicked all the Klaine fans in the nads. I'm looking at you, RIB.

"I was with someone." Kurt's face immediately fell, and he could feel the tears rushing in. He should've known that Blaine would dump him for somebody better, eventually.

"It was Sebastian, wasn't it?" he choked out. Of course the slimy bastard would try to steal
Blaine away the moment he left. Blaine sighed resignedly.

"No!" he said indignantly, "It wasn't Sebastian," he admitted quieter. Kurt thought it couldn't get any worse. He was just proven wrong.

"Then who was it?" he demanded, trying and failing to keep his tears in. Blaine gave him a defiant look.

"It doesn't matter who it was with, Kurt!" he snapped, "What matters is that I needed you. I needed you and you weren't there!" Was he seriously blaming him? There was no way this was Blaine. This must be a horrible joke. "And I was lonely," Blaine shrugged. "And I'm so sorry."

"And you don't think I was lonely?" he asked, his voice raising, "You don't think I had temptations? But I didn't act on them because I knew what it meant! It meant something horrible and awful." He gasped for breath. It was as if someone just stabbed his chest and crushed his heart into powder. Blaine's eyes got misty-eyed.

"I'm sorry, Kurt", he said weakly, "I really am." Kurt couldn't hear any more. He walked away, breathing in deeply, reassuring himself that this was a horrible nightmare, and that Blaine, his Blaine, is still in Lima, and he would be visiting in 2 weeks, and they would have amazing 'I-missed-you' sex and they would go out to the glories of New York and celebrate his class presidential win and their ability to overcome the obstacles of a long-distance relationship. He would apologize for being so busy lately, and he would dedicate the entire evening to the beautiful boy he loved.

But this! There's no way this is happening right now. It has to be a sick joke. This man looked just like his Blaine, the same beautiful, earnest hazel eyes, the same dreamy voice, the same man. But, it couldn't be. He sat down at the fountain and gazed at his reflection. What did he do wrong?

"Kurt!" he heard 'Blaine' call him. He can't deal with this! He can't stare into the eyes of this impostor in his lover's body. Maybe if he runs away long enough, he'll wake up or snap out of it or something!

He ran until the other man's voice faded into the distance with the wind. He saw a subway station and ran down it frantically, hoping to whatever the hell was in the sky that Blaine gave up. He snuck onto the subway when it landed and caught his breath. He rested his head against the window, silently muttering to himself that 'this wasn't happening, this wasn't real. There's no way this could be reality.' When the train got to its destination, he jumped off, nearly tripping over his Doc Martens, and sprinted to his apartment.

He skipped the steps and slammed the door behind him, hyperventilating. He was sweaty, disgusting, and his stomach started turning. He quickly ran to the toilet and watched as the contents of his stomach emptied itself. He panted and rested his forehead on the edge of the seat, not thinking about the unsanitary conditions. He didn't know how long he sat there, but he could feel his conscious drifting away when he felt two firm hands lift his body off the ground. He leant his head on the broad shoulder and let the darkness take him. Hopefully, things would be back to normal when he woke up.

Kurt opened his eyes and groaned when he saw that it was 3:30 in the morning. He willed himself to go back to dreamland, but apparently the world was against him today. He'd hardly gotten any sleep at all this week, and his head hurt like a bitch. He stiffly sat up and slipped his house shoes on. He froze when he heard soft breathing behind him. Oh God, did Rachel sneak into his room again? No, this breathing was too deep to be Rachel. Finn, maybe? After the awkward night before, he wouldn't be surprised. It's not like he and Finn hadn't shared a bed before. The dunderhead would sneak into his bed at the dead of night when there were thunderstorms. He shook his head fondly, and turned around to gaze affectionately at his stepbrother, but caught his breath, his body going cold.

Unless Finn got a face transplant, this certainly wasn't his stepbrother. And looking at the dark curls, that meant that what happened last night was real, and not just a horrible figment of imagination. Blaine was here, and he had cheated on Kurt.

He stumbled out of the room, careful not to look at the other boy, in case he lost control of his emotions. 3:30 in the morning was really not the correct time for a mental breakdown. He sat down in the chair outside his room, subconsciously hoping that Blaine would wake up and soothe him and reassure him that he was kidding, and that it was just a cruel prank that some jerks dared him to do.

It was probably around nine in the morning now. Kurt couldn't bring himself to care about the bags that were definitely under his eyes. He saw a small brunette, but instantly relaxed when he noticed that it was female. Rachel yawned and jumped when she noticed him.

"You scared me," she gasped, holding her hand on her heart in a dramatic fashion.

"Sorry," he said, his voice sounding dull even to him. Rachel gave him a glance that was a mix between confusion and sympathy.

"Have you been up all night?" she asked, her voice unnaturally soft.

"Not all night," he protested weakly. She gave him a pointed look.

"Kurt," she stressed, "I'm worried about you. Isabelle's been working you to death, you've barely been eating because you've been so busy, and don't think I didn't catch you falling asleep during our Streisand marathon the other day."

Kurt quickly changed the subject. "So, you're up early. What's the occasion?" Rachel narrowed her eyes, and he knew that later they'd be discussing how important his health was as it was important for the vocal chords if he ever wanted to get onto Broadway in the future, but at the moment, he was just grateful that she let the subject go for right now. As much as he loved her, he was too tired to handle one of her rants.

"I have to go to Lima," she said in a clipped tone, her jaw clenched. Kurt immediately felt a pang of sympathy for his idiot brother. A pissed off Rachel Berry was not a pleasant experience. He figured that out firsthand when he was in the bathroom too long and he accidentally interrupted her nightly ritual, and God, they really were way too much alike.

"Does this have to do with Finn?" he asked, feigning nonchalance. She pinched the bridge of her nose, a habit she must've picked up after living with him, and okay, this was starting to get creepy.

"I have to go before I miss my flight," she brushed off the topic. "Please eat something and get some sleep while you're at it."

He chuckled weakly. "I can't make any promises." She smiled sadly, and kissed his temple tenderly.

"I'll call you when I get in Lima, okay?" she whispered. He nodded, and didn't process her leaving except for the sound of the door sliding shut behind her. Three years ago, he never would've fathomed the idea of becoming friends with Rachel Barbra Berry. Now, he could never be more thankful that she had taken that first step in their friendship and asked to sing a duet with him. That was the first time he ever admitted to himself that he was becoming fond of her diva tendencies and over the top personality.

His inner blessing of his best friend became halted when he heard a cough and saw Blaine make his way through the curtains, dark curls frizzed out and greasy. The other man froze, eyes widened in horror.

"Kurt-", he started, but stepped back at Kurt's steely gaze. But Kurt just looked at his nose, his mouth, his hair, anywhere but his eyes, afraid of what he'd find there.

Blaine sighed, "Kurt, please look at me." Kurt felt a pang in his chest, but his face remained surprisingly expressionless.

"No," he replied simply.

"Kurt, I promise you that what happened with Eli was a mistake," he said urgently, and almost desperately.

"Eli?! Is that his name now?" he sneered. "Lovely! Because knowing that you cheated on me with a complete stranger makes me feel so much better." He felt a dark sense of satisfaction when Blaine flinched at his harsh tone. He looked so uncomfortable. Good, he should be.

"You were too busy to even talk to me anymore! I thought you were moving on without me!" Blaine said defensively.

"'Then you talk to me if you're unhappy! But don't cheat on me!'" Kurt yelled. "I seem to remember you telling me the exact same thing last year!" Blaine shifted nervously, looking away in embarrassment.

"Maybe I was a bit hypocritical," Blaine said softly.

"That's an understatement," Kurt said snidely, "You slut-shamed me in front of the Glee Club."

"I can't be perfect all the time, Kurt," Blaine huffed. Kurt narrowed his eyes.

"Well, neither can I, but for some reason you expect me to play the dutiful, loyal boyfriend while you do what the hell you want."

"You make it sound like I was constantly cheating on you," Blaine said disbelievingly.

"Um, remember Sebastian?"

"I wasn't interested in him!"

"You could've fooled me. You certainly didn't discourage him from constantly hitting on you or making me feel like crap."

"Okay, since we're apparently being honest, I'm not gonna lie," he said earnestly. " I was flattered when Sebastian showed interest in me, but it had nothing to do with you. It had to do with my own insecurities. I'd always been told that I was disgusting and wrong, and he was the first person besides you who ever made me feel attractive. As for him making you feel like crap, I didn't know about that, but I'm sorry anyway. Even though that wasn't technically my fault, I feel responsible for not paying enough attention." His voice faded out and Kurt regarded him silently.

"But," Blaine continued, moving towards him, "I really do love you." Kurt flinched away from his touch, and saw hurt flash across the other man's hazel depths.

"But not enough," he whispered bitterly. Blaine didn't reply, so Kurt got braver.

"Can I ask you something?" he started in a tone that left no room for arguments, not that Blaine would anyway. Blaine nodded. "Why did you send me to New York?"

"You belonged there," Blaine mumbled.

"Did you just send me out of pity? Because I was so pathetic and miserable that you felt bad for me?" Kurt interrogated.

"No," Blaine said firmly, his eyes regaining a slight spark, "I sent you because I love you. Seeing you lose the brightness that made me fall for you in the first place killed me inside. As much as I loved seeing you every day, there's no way I could ever be happy when you were so depressed."

Kurt let that process for a few seconds, muddling it around. He just couldn't wrap his head around this. It made absolutely no sense.

"Then why did you do this to me?" he asked hoarsely. Blaine's eyes were shiny with wetness, and his breathing became a bit labored.

"I don't know. Because I'm stupid? Because I let my insecurities and fear take over my mind and ruin the best thing that ever happened to me? Because I was thinking with my dick? Because I'm a horrible hypocritical idiot who doesn't deserve you?" He was breathing heavily, a few lone tears sliding down his smooth cheek. Normally, Kurt wouldn't have allowed Blaine to bring himself down like this, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything in the other man's defense. He couldn't even bring himself to feel pity for him. The man in front of him was an empty shell of what had once made him so great.

"So, does this mean we're breaking up?" Blaine spoke up.

"I don't know. I feel like I don't even know you anymore," he whispered. He took a deep breath. " All I know is that you're not the same person I fell in love with. I want my boyfriend back, the one who gave me a promise ring, and said he'd never hurt me."

"He's right here," Blaine croaked.
Kurt shook his head.

"I think you should leave," he said lowly.

"Kurt-"

"Please," he begged. He could feel Blaine's eyes on him but he refused to meet them.
He heard a soft, defeated "okay" before looking up and watching Blaine's back leave through the doorway. He took a few deep breaths and sunk down on the couch, burying his face in the soft cushions and letting out a long muffled scream.

When Rachel called to let him know she was in Lima, Kurt was still in his pajamas, on his bed with Blaine's question still ringing in his head.

'So, does this mean we're breaking up?'

At the time, Kurt had desperately wanted to say 'Yes! We're done!', but he had given almost 2 years of his life to this man. Could he really just cut him out of his life? He stared down at the candy wrapper ring in the palm of his hand. He still remembered the day Blaine gave it to him.

"But what are you promising?" Kurt asked breathlessly. Blaine gave him a sweet smile.
"To always love you. To answer your phone calls no matter what I'm doing, to bake you cookies at least twice a year, and to kiss you wherever and whenever I want. But mostly, it's just to remind you how perfectly imperfect you are."

'To always love you', 'to always love you', 'to always love you'. That one phrase rang in his ear relentlessly. But how much can you love someone when you're so willing to cheat on him?

'You are the love of my life, Kurt.' Didn't that mean that he would never choose someone else? He almost wished it had been Sebastian. That would've been less insulting. At least the smarmy bastard was right about one thing. He, apparently, wasn't enough. Just one time, he wished that he wouldn't be second-rate to everyone else.

He twirled the fragile ring between his long fingers. He should throw it away. It's nothing but empty promises and painful memories. But he can't. No matter how much he doesn't want to, he still loves Blaine. No matter how much he wants to hate him for disappointing him like everybody else, he can't.

He thinks he should let Blaine fester for a while. He never actually made their current status very clear. But that's not fair to Blaine, or to himself. He has a job now, which he happens to love. He doesn't have time to mope over tragic love stories. He's an adult now, and he can't live in silly romantic fantasies anymore.

He got out his phone and typed out an abrupt text. He stared at it for a good 30 minutes, slowly building up the courage to send it. He wondered if he should call instead, but decided that Blaine didn't deserve that much courtesy. Besides that, he didn't think he'd be able to hold it together if he heard the other mans voice. His thumb lie on his keypad waiting for sudden movements. This text would change his life forever and he may end up falling apart with regret. But there wasn't time for that.

'No regrets, just love'.

He can't think about that. He forcefully shut his eyes, willing that hateful song out of his head. When he sighed through his nose and looked at his phone, he saw that his thumb had shifted.
The message had been sent, it's contents glaring at him from the screen. Such a simple life-changing two words.

'Its over.'

A/N~ This is why I don't write angst. :P

So, can you guess who carried poor unconscious Kurt to bed? Because I'm telling you right now that it wasn't Blaine. ;) Let's not forget who's smaller in this relationship. You really think Blaine could carry Kurt without any help?

I'd like to thank Bablefisk for helping me reread this before I posted. :D You should definitely read her stories! She brings a whole new outlook to canon Glee scenes!

Review, please! :D