Katharine Narcissus Gardner was having a bad day. She had a huge zit on the end of her nose, a bad hair day, and a stupid stalker.
Travis Xenophon Stoll was having an equally sucky day. His brother, Connor, had hid his clothes, so he was stuck wearing a pair of boxers and that's it, his younger half-sister Sally had stolen his collection of whipped cream, and he had an ex-girlfriend out for revenge.
Katharine prefers to be called Katie.
Travis would brutally murder whoever knew his middle name.
You may be more familiar with their more common names, Katie Gardner and Travis Stoll. Possibly their 'couple name', Tratie. And just because one Aphrodite camper gave them a couple name does not mean they were actually a couple; some people had given Nico Di Angelo (goth creeper with severe hatred of Huntresses of Artemis) and Thalia Grace (punk Huntress of Artemis and sworn virgin) a couple name.
Anyway, Katie Gardner and Travis Stoll were having a bad day.
Travis was condemned to walk around in a pair of pink boxers all day. I mean, who would do that to their own brother?
Well, I did, but that's not the point.
And the Aphrodite girls would not grant Katie the beauty products necessary for the removal of the giant zit and the bad hair day.
Who was more angry-Travis, because I kidnapped all the spare clothing in the Hermes cabin, except for Lucy Heiger's princess dress (which is too small for her and she's six), or Katie, for massive problems that any normal teen has to deal with?
Travis, duh.
Hey, it's Drew. I kicked Connor off here because so Travis had to prance around in his boxers all day. Big deal. He does that normally. Clearly, Connor has never dealt with the problems of a woman.
Not to mention, she was being stalked. As every daughter of Aphrodite knows, stalking is not something to be taken lightly.
Not even if the person's hot.
Okay, maybe if he's, like, Edward Cullen-hot, but other than that, no way.
But back to Katie's stalker. It was not Travis Stoll-thank Aphrodite, because he and Katie are so cute together and he's not nearly Edward Cullen-hot. It was actually that dude from the Hephaestus cabin, Christopher Wiggin, who isn't even as cute as Jacob.
Katie's cute, but doesn't really merit a stalker. It shows how desperate Chris was.
But back to the story. We wouldn't give her the beauty products because we thought that since Travis wasn't looking that great, they would fall madly in love. And we were right.
But for the first part of our story: Travis had run across the archery field and was now being shot at. He was chasing Connor, who was being an idiot. As usual.
Drew exaggerates. Most of the Apollo kids were trying to shoot around him, the Ares kids were actually trying to hit him, the Demeter kids weren't even shooting, and us Hermes kids were actually in a battle with the Apollo kids and were trying to hit them (we kind of suck at archery).
And I'm not an idiot.
Yes, you are.
Okay, I'm an idio-WAIT A SECOND! You just charmspoke me!
I have no idea what you're talking about. And neither do you.
I have absolutely no idea what you're talki-STOP DOING THAT!
Doing what?
Charmspeaking me! We made a rule, see?
I, Drew Li, do solemnly promise and swear on the River Styx that I will not charmspeak Connor Ignatius Stoll in any way during the writing of this happenstance. I didn't write this.
How'd you know? I mean, yes you did.
No I didn't: Four things: 1-I don't know your middle name, 2-I would never use the word 'happenstance' in a sentence, 3-my I's have a much more symmetrical heart on top, and 4-Lucy Heiger signed her name on the back of it. I may be Aphrodite's child, but I'm not stupid.
Last time I ever trust Heiger with a forgery. Rule number one: never sign the back of a forgery. Rule number two, don't make up middle names for your clients!
What is your middle name?
Chlorophyll.
Connor, chlorophyll is what plants use to make food from sunlight. I don't think that's what you mean.
Oh yeah…chlorine, maybe?
A poisonous gas?
No, wait, I know this…Chanel, maybe?
Like the designer?
Never mind…wait, I got it!
What?
Christopher.
It took you that long to remember Christopher?
I'm not used to hearing my middle name, not like Travis. Honestly, every minute of every day when we were at home, "TRAVIS XENOPHON STOLL! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING AN EYE ON YOUR BROTHER! TRAVIS XENOPHON STOLL, CLEAN UP THIS MESS!" All the time, it was like the soundtrack of my childhood.
We should get back on topic. Why was Travis chasing you again?
I promised him a map to his clothes.
Where did this phony map lead?
Girl's bathroom.
Figures.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. It's very you.
Last time you said that, all my clothes were two sizes too small for, like, a month. Speaking of the golden mango incident, what was that permanent makeup all over my brother?
Sharpie.
No, seriously.
Sharpie. Even we Aphrodites have to sometimes shell out for that really big, every-single-sharpie-color-I'll-ever-need-and-who-invented-yellow-sharpies-anyway-cuz-they're-nearly-as-pointless-as-Connor Sharpie pack.
I think I was just insulted. And we got off-topic again.
Oops. So, anyway, Travis just football-tackled you amidst volleys of arrows. How did you two avoid the arrows?
We didn't. I got Sally to replace them with rubber ones. You know, after the football-tackling incident, nothing really happened at the archery field, unless you count Clarisse decking Will Solace, which, although it is always fun to watch, really has no point in our story.
So now our story moves to the volleyball court.
I thought it was the canoe lake.
No, that one comes after lunch.
Right. So, the volleyball court. Travis and I are kicking the butts of Sherman and Mark Williams in beach volleyball. Mark hits the volleyball way out and I send Travis to go get it. And what does he do?
Eavesdrop on Katie threatening Mitchell?
Yep. Here's how the conversation went (at least the part that Travis heard): I'll be Mitchell, you be Katie.
Okay. Hand it over!
H-hand what over?
The foundation, idiot!
What foundation?
The one I saw you carrying. The one that's my shade! GIVE IT!
Travis: Katie?
Hi, Travis! (she drops Mitchell, who runs)
Travis: What was that all about?
You know, something stupid. Well, gotta go, bye!
Travis: Bye…
End scene. All in all, an awkward conversation.
Yeah, why'd she leave?
Because she didn't want Travis to see her all gross. Duh.
Not my fault you girls speak a different language. How are we supposed to know that 'How do I look in this?' means 'Does this make me look fat?' and 'help me raise my low self-esteem!' and 'If you don't say great, I will make your life a living Hades!'
It's not like you should insult them! It's logic, girls are insecure and it's your job as a guy to help them have better self-esteem.
I did not sign up for this. So, after Katie leaves, Travis comes back with the ball, and we end up schooling the Williams twins.
No, Venus and Serena could beat you while wearing straightjackets.
Venus and Serena aren't twins.
Sorry. So, end of volleyball court scene. Cue Sword-fighting arena.
No, the forges.
Oh, yeah. The forges.
Where Leo Valdez nearly mauls Travis for stealing his pants.
Why was Valdez not wearing pants?
Harley David bet him twenty bucks he couldn't forge a sword in boxers. So Leo took off the pants (showing off his rather attractive St. Patty's Day boxers), and began to forge.
And then Travis grabbed the jeans and ran.
That is, until he ran into Katie, who wanted to find some sort of distraction robot. Again with the awkward conversations. Wanna act this one out, too?
Sure. I'll be Katie.
I'm Travis, then. You begin.
Oh, h-hi Travis. Wait, why are you carrying that pair of pants?
I need them.
For-oh. Never mind. I see.
Yeah…can you move, please?
Sorry.
Thanks, and, by the way, Katie…
Yeah?
I don't think you need foundation.
End scene. Next part involves Leo finding out that Travis stole his pants, Travis being attacked by a large hammer and chisel, Katie running, and Travis getting the biggest wedgie of his life.
How do you know that?
It's on the Post-It note that we have the notes of what happened where. Right under 'Katie sprints to the bathroom to check out the zit situation'.
Oh, yeah…
Did Leo win the twenty bucks?
Of course not. Harley and I stole the sword.
Why am I not surprised?
It's me. So now, we go to the girl's bathroom.
Ew. Why is Travis in there?
Where do you think Sally stored the whipped-cream collection?
Okay, then. Travis sneaks into the girl's room, where he encounters Katie, who is staring into the mirror, trying to do something with her hair.
And now for a little story of our childhood. So, we grew up in what was commonly referred to as a small town in Kansas called Tonganoxie. When I was six, the population was 2,700 people. There weren't a lot of friends there, so Travis's best friend, BFFL if you will, was a girl named Elise. She was kind of a tomboy, but not totally. She had a doll and stuff. Well, Tonganoxie is in the middle of nowhere. There's not so much to do there, so Travis hung around with Elise a lot. As a result, he learned to braid. End story.
Travis can braid?
Normal, French, and fishtail. He learned the last one from Sally.
That's hot.
What? That's girly, is what it is!
I think it's sexy.
You're crazy.
So Travis is the one who braided Katie's hair. It looked so great
And then, right after Travis finishes, Sally comes in, disturbing the cutesy moment, taking all the whipped cream and hiding it somewhere secret.
It's under your bed, isn't it?
No! Not anymore, at least.
Yeah, Travis got it-
STOP! No plot leaks!
Sor-ry!
I can't believe you just used sarcasm on paper.
Psh. It's a talent.
Whatever. So, sword-fighting arena?
Yep. Where Katie and Sally duke it out for the whipped cream. It's so sweet!
Whipped cream is, usually. Except this one time, when Travis dared me to eat an entire can of whipped cream that had expired about a year previously. I was barfing for a week!
No, how Katie fights Sally for said whipped cream.
You're strange.
Can we do another role-play?
I'm not gonna be a girl.
Don't make me charmspeak you!
Fine! But I'm Sally.
Okay. You begin.
Gardner.
Hartung.
I have an idea. When I win this sword-fight, you can be my slave for a day. If you win, you can…
Have the whipped cream you stole from Travis.
Aw, how sweet. The wittle Katie-Watie thinks that she's gonna impress her Twavvy-Wavvy with her sword skills.
Trust me, I'll win.
End scene?
Unless you want to recount all of the snarky insults. So, Katie wins, and then (anonymously) puts all of the cans of whipped cream back on Travis's bed.
Shall I say it?
What?
'Aww, how cute! They're helping each other and it's soooo adorable!'
I find it very, very weird that you used both four o's and four exclamation points.
I find it very, very weird that we're working together.
I get that. So, canoe lake?
Mess hall. Canoe lake comes after, as you reminded me.
It's time for lunch already?
Yeah. In which Katie delivers a pair of pants to Travis (the pants in question had come from Jerry Solomon, who, despite being a ginger, looks freakishly like Travis, especially in the waist area).
Jerry's hot.
So not what I was going for.
He has the sexy ginger hair.
Sexy ginger WHAT? Gingers have no soul! How can they be attractive?
The sexiest dudes have no soul. And I just love the hair. It is so rich and lush and oh, I can't get over that hair!
You scare me sometimes, you know that?
Whatever. Can we head over to the canoe lake?
Wait, what happens there?
Travis pretends to be Katie's boyfriend to get rid of Christopher Wiggin.
Oh that's so cute-NOT!
Oh yeah, you hate romance and all things cute.
I just think they should have had a sexy make out session and been done with it at the archery range.
Whatever. You don't know anything about romance.
Tell that to my girlfriend.
Lyli James doesn't count because she's practically a man.
Hey, don't insult my girlfriend!
She's such a tomboy; she hasn't worn a skirt since her first birthday.
So? I think pants make her legs look sexy.
Whatever. Roleplay?
We don't have someone to be Christopher.
Fine. I'll be Christopher. And to distinguish, I'll only use capital letters for his voice.
Okay. You start.
KATIE, YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND I ARE MEANT TO BE.
Actually, Chris, I really don't think-
COME ON, BABY, DON'T DENY IT. YOU'RE ALL OVER ME.
I'm really-
SO, FIREWORKS?
She's going with me.
WHAT?
Well, I hope, at least. Connor and Lyli haven't been dating long enough for me to ask. Do you have to ask your girlfriend to the fireworks, or is it implied?
Ask your girlfriend?
Really?
YOU TWO ARE DATING?
Of course we are. Right, Katie?
We are?
So, if you could stop pestering my girlfriend, it'd be much appreciated.
FINE. BUT YOU HURT HER AND I WILL KILL YOU, STOLL.
Dude, I could whip your butt in a straightjacket. Now can you go, you're bugging my girlfriend?
(CHRISTOPHER LEAVES)
Travis, what was that all about? I'm not your girlfriend.
Wiggin doesn't know that. Besides, you really looked like you wanted to run.
I never pegged you as a knight in shining armor.
Really, I was one last Halloween.
I wasn't here last Halloween.
Oh.
I should go.
Yeah, I should too.
Bye!
Bye.
End scene.
That was awkward. When do they make out?
Next scene, right? When Travis shakes Kylie Winton.
When Katie shakes Kylie Winton.
I can't take another roleplay. Let's just summarize this one.
You just don't want to be Kylie, do you?
She really bugs me. She's a total slut!
Coming from you?
What? Apollo should have drowned her when she popped out of her mom's-
Nobody wants to read that, Drew. Although I do agree that spermicide may have done the world a great favor.
Or a condom. Any sort of birth control would have been nice.
Yeah, but we're so off topic, it's not even funny.
Okay. This takes place at the one, the only…
Beach.
I set up the greatest set-up ever and all you can say is 'Beach.'? Not even an exclamation point? What's wrong with you?
I don't do build-up. So it starts with Kylie whining.
Tra-vis! Why did you break up with me? We were perfect together!
I thought we weren't roleplaying.
Sorry, but she did say that.
Do you want to roleplay?
No!
Well then, so Travis is trying to let her down. (We just didn't fit, Kylie)
And Kylie is protesting.(We don't fit? Of course we fit!)
And we're still totally roleplaying. Travis tries to tell her why they can't get back together (which is: I hate your guts and hope you die in a hole)
And Katie walks in and says that he can't. (Back off, witch, and get away from my boyfriend.)
She did not say witch, but we have to censor parts of this to make it more appropriate for the younger kids. Meaning Chiron will kick our a-butts if we pass this around and there are words 'deemed inappropriate for the younger demographic'. So then, Kylie cusses out Katie, which we cannot repeat, otherwise I get left on top of Thalia's pine tree for 36 hours with nothing but a dull, rusty dagger and a can of Red Bull.
Weird punishments, no?
I know. I was once sentenced to spending the day under Clarisse's bunk. I nearly died.
Okay, so then Kylie yells, screams, and Katie and Travis pretend to be boyfriend-girlfriend.
To really seal the deal, Travis and Katie kiss.
It was so cute! Kylie was screaming how do they even know they're dating, anyway, and Travis leans over and plants a smacker right on Katie's lips.
I personally found it positively disgusting, perhaps because it's my older brother performing the PDA. That was a lot of Ps in that sentence.
Which you did on purpose.
That's preposterous!
Shut up. Then as Kylie leaves, screaming, and I contemplate drowning her in a pool of Clarisse's sweat, Katie realizes something. (If she and Christopher start spreading around that we're dating, we're kind of screwed.)
And then Travis says (and yeah, it is cliché, gag-inducing, trite, and boring. I didn't want to have to say this, but still), 'Well then, I guess we just have to start dating.' There, I said it. Happy now?
It was sooooo cute! And then they kiss and OH MY APHRODITE I just wanna cry from the cuteness of it all!
I just wanna gag from the cuteness of it all.
So, the story is done. Katie's problems (which nobody cares about cuz oh wait, we've all been there.) have been resolved. Connor Christopher Stoll, if you ever cut in while I'm writing again, I will light your hand on fire and make you eat it.
Sorry. By the way, you seem really angry. You aren't on…it, are you?
No, Connor, I'm not PMS-ing.
Oh, okay, good. And because she didn't say it, all of Travis's important problems have been resolved.
What important problems?
You know, the lack of whipped cream, the whiny ex-girlfriend, the lack of clothing…the parts of the story that actually demonstrate the adaptiveness of the spirit or whatever my third-grade teacher was talking about with the Little House in the Big Woods.
Like Katie didn't have to adapt.
She didn't. Travis, on the other hand, had to avoid Chiron all day or risk being tied to the stomach of a Pegasus all day for indecent exposure.
Travis was at Archery.
After setting off a bomb in the Big House to make sure he wasn't there!
Whatever. It's not like you could ever understand what it's like to be stalked like that.
I was stalked or nearly a year and a half by that one Dionysus girl before she died.
Oh.
Can we end yet? Lyli and I have a date.
Whatever. Sure.
THE END! Can I go?
Yeah, let's go. I made a date with Will for the canoe lake for about…ten minutes ago. Bye.
So long!
Auf Wiedersehen!
Au revoir!
Sayanara!
Farewell!
TTFN!
Zai Jian!
What?
It's Chinese, you imbecile.
Oh, you're calling me the imbecile? You didn't finish the fourth grade!
Your 'textbook' is People magazine!
You think farts are hilarious!
You think nothing is hilarious!
You don't know anything about pop culture!
You know nothing about culture!
You-wow, we're off-topic.
Oh yeah…huh. Weren't we supposed to be leaving?
Yep.
Fail.
No kidding.
So, let's actually go this time.
Where's the fun in that?
Don't you have a date?
Not like Solace is actually hot.
Fair. But I do have a date.
So? You're always late.
True. But what do we even have to talk about?
Life. The universe. Everything.
No…you didn't. That's impossible. You can't have…
What?
You've read one of the single geekiest books. Ever.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Yeah. And you thought I was just another Aphrodite Moron.
I did. And I have never been more impressed. Wait…What is the average wing velocity of a swallow?
African or European?
I may actually like you, Li. May.
Well, what can I say? Besides, I have to go.
Fair. Live long and prosper.
And may the force be with you.
We are so off-topic again. Let's just end it with this:
The story happened about a month ago, and Travis and Katie are still going strong. The camp chose us for no other reason than I, as Travis's brother, knew his side of the story and stuff.
I was chosen because I look awfully sexy in a bikini.
So, that ends it.
I'm a little bit sad, now. We spent a while on this. Why do you think I don't want it to end?
If it makes you feel better, and so I can go on my date, I'll steal a cake for you while I'm out. Then I will use my mad pastry bag skills to write 'Happy End of Story Day, Drew!'
I would appreciate it.
Fine. Can I go now?
Yeah.
Wicked.
This is the end. The actual end. No going back now. No last minute edits.
Just end it already!
End. Happy?