The Summer I Chose Me

Chapter 1

"Make sure to carry a little bit a cash with you at all times, not all of the places you will go will accept your credit card." My mother said, she was the adventurer in my family.

She would always go on trips alone and leave me and my brother Steven behind with our dad. As we got older we just started to stay home alone instead. The last place she went was Turkey right after Susannah died. Susannah is my mom's best friend. She calls her Beck – her maiden name that mom refused to let go of after she married Mr. Fisher.

My mom was the ultimate feminist. She took a lot of care to help me prepare for my first trip out of the country. She made sure I had enough Euros, appropriate clothing, enough socks, snacks, and points of interest noted. She thought of anything and everything that would make me have the best time. I loved her for it.

"I will." I assured her. I looked down to my fanny-pack fastened around my waist and made sure I could still see the folded up money in the bottom of my pack.

I could think of a few people that would make fun of my fanny-pack, my brother Steven - of course would never let me live it down, Jeremiah who would call me a dork, and my oldest friend Taylor – who would have heart attack at my fashion faux pau, and, of course, Conrad, who would make me feel like a little kid for it. At that point, I did have all of the cash that she had sent me with. Only because I hadn't gotten to our residence yet for me to stash some away.

"Have an amazing time bean, and make sure you stay with Anika as often as you can. It is always better to stay in groups, at least until you know your way around." Mom advised. I could tell she was both nervous and excited for me considering her calm and strong tone. I thought about the irony of her words too, I mean, she went to Turkey all alone, at least, I think she was alone. She kept that part of her life private.

"I will mom. I promise." I said.

As I have been getting older I have learned to value my mom in a way that I never had before. After me and Jeremiah's almost wedding a year ago (Susannah's second son), I was glad to have her to lean on. It had been a mess. Between Conrad's confession to the amount of money and stress we put on Mr. Fisher I was morbidly uncomfortable around them all. I had been worried about having to be around Mr. Fisher and Jere for a bit after that, only because of all the hype that our wedding had caused, it was embarrassing. I didn't have to worry about Conrad. Conrad went back to California where he attended school. I hadn't seen Conrad since my old bedroom at the summer house when he gave me away to his little brother. Who I didn't end up marrying.

The aftermath of the canceled wedding was one of those times where you just needed to be a shut in with your family for a while, and that was exactly what I did. Just to feel completely stable again. To feel like an effortless little girl again. I was a grown adult who really needed her mommy. I went back home with my mom that day (the day of the almost-wedding) and we spent the rest of the summer in easy comradery, spending time the way we used to when we spent time with Susannah. We watched all of Susannah's favorite movies the rest of that summer, we planted all the flowers in our flowerbed that she loved, and we went to art galleries together. It was the summer we truly bonded and for that time with my mom I was forever grateful.

The funny thing is that Susannah always told me that my mother was amazing and I was lucky to have her. Now, after everything, after my mom was right about not getting married at eighteen almost nineteen. At the time of the engagement, she was so mad and distraught over the idea. I moved out for a bit out of defiance. She told me she wasn't going to come, but she came to support me anyways even though it was all for nothing and my heart swelled for her.

"Good. Well, I will let you go now. I will see you soon, and thank you for calling me to let me know you landed." She said sounding distracted on the other end of the phone.

"Okay, mom. You're welcome, love you." I said as I turned to make sure my rolling bag was still beside me where I left it.

"Love you too Belly."

After I hung up the phone, I did a little freeze-frame hop in the air. I was finally in Spain! I was finally becoming a cultured, independent woman.

Anika was still by the poster of a woman licking an ice cream cone with sprinkles for lipstick. It was a very colorful ad and it had sweets on it so it made me immediately want something sweet.

"Hey did you get ahold of your mom?" Anika asked pulling the brim of her baseball cap down.

"Yes." I said almost bouncing with excitement that we were finally here. I had worked all summer at my old waitressing job at Behrs. They were really happy to see me at the end of last summer when I went home after the canceled wedding, and they were happy to know that no other future possibility of a wedding would keep me from coming back the next summer - this past one.

We headed for the front of the airport where taxis were positioned to pick up passengers. It didn't take us long to get to our residence. It didn't take long because the both of us were looking out the window the whole time internally and externally freaking out.

"This is immeasurably better than campus. I bet everybody else is already wishing for something fun to do." I said gloating over all of our classmates.

"Yeah, let them have their lame parties, we will be in Barcelona for the time being," Anika said with a shimmy.

I giggled and so she started giggling. Our taxi driver clearly didn't speak English and he kept looking back at us in the rearview mirror wondering what in the heck we were giggling about.

Anika was the one that told me she didn't think he could understand. So with her being much better with Spanish than me, asked him how much longer to our destination?

He told her five more minutes, which I was able to understand, but Anika informed me anyways. I was lucky to have her with me, she spoke so fluently that I didn't think we would have much trouble getting around. Now me without her... yeah, that would be a problem. My problem.

We arrived at the place we would be staying. It was a two story stucco building with beautifully decorated tile work up on the walkway and with ferns and flowers all over the front porch. The second floor had a covered balcony that had blooms of plants hanging from it's ceiling as well.

"Oh! It's my two Chiquitas!" A little plump lady came bursting out the front doors smiling from ear to ear. She was adorable. She had a long side braid that cascaded past her shoulder. She looked into her late fifties.

"Hello, I am Estella, like all the stars in the heavens," She said with a very thick and adorable accent.

"I teach you a little Spanish and you teach Estella more English." She said while bringing us both into a big bear hug and kissing each of us on the cheek.

Anika looked over at me like, "What in the world?" She wasn't one that enjoyed a lot of touching. As for me, I didn't mind. Her friendliness reminded me of Susannah. I knew Susannah would've loved her.

"Oh, you girls are very beautiful!" She said touching my new short hair that I had cut on a whim because of the hot temperatures in Spain. I thought of both Conrad and Jeremiah when I did it. They both made comments that I should never cut my hair. I felt sort of liberated when I did it. It was like I had cut my ties with them when I did it. I was my own person now and I didn't need either Fisher boy as mine to be happy. When I mentioned that thought to my mom she was proud, I could tell.

Estella took us around the city, we rode the bus all over to see the sights, which I knew me and Anika would take special trips ourselves so that we could really absorb everything.

As we rode around the boisterous city we learned that Estella was a widow and she had one son named Fernando who lived south of the city doing laboring work. Estella wished that he would come and run his father's business, but he said he didn't want to be stuck inside all of the time. Estella said that one day he will take it over and be thankful for it, but for now, her nephew Carlos was running the shop, since her husband passed away three years ago.

"He needs to give me Nietos!" She shouted and began to laugh as we walked up the path to the house.

We both laughed along with her. She was so welcoming and easy to be around. It was not going to be hard to feel at home in her house. Anika and I had the bedroom on the top level and a bathroom. We also had the front balcony to sit at night to watch people pass by on scooters and listen to the music that played in the streets. The house was just as one would expect on the inside. Reddish-glossed tiled floors all throughout the main floor and wooden plank flooring on the small upper level. There were circular archways between each room and the staircase banister had this wooden handcrafted design that could not be mimicked easily.

"This is amazing," Anika said looking over at me.

"It really is." I agreed.

That night we explored the neighborhood. We followed the smell of something spicy and wonderful and came into view of a little hole in the wall restaurant not even a half a mile away from Estella's. The name of the hole was called Sopresa meaning, surprise – and it was, it was the only restaurant within miles on our side of the city and it was hidden in a little corner. There were a lot of people stuffed into the confines of the tiny place. We squeezed in and saw a spot in the corner at the bar. We had a drink to celebrate the night in our new little spot Sopresa in Spain.

We have been in Barcelona one month today and it has been one of the best times of my life. It was October and it was still hot here. I loved the summertime so I didn't think I would mind not having that fall-ish feeling. I started to feel forlorn when thinking of how I would miss the smell of dried leaves falling off of the trees and bonfires off of campus. I would also miss the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks, but I was in Spain so I couldn't really complain too much.

When I mentioned my sadness about the pumpkin latte to Anika she laughed at me and told me that she had seen a couple of Starbucks around and was surprised that I didn't.

"What?" I shouted angrily – I was not angry at anyone in particular, but maybe just to the invisible energy that all annoying things came from.

"Hey, don't get your hopes up. I have heard bad reviews about the locations here." She said typing away on her laptop.

"I don't care, take me to one first thing in the morning." I said, now completely happy that I wouldn't miss out on a fall tradition.

It turns out there is no pumpkin spice latte in October in Spain. They just have the regular year round menu. I sobbed a little on the inside.

One day after class I came back home, it was bizarre to call this place home, but for now, that is what it was. I went to my laptop to check my email to see if anything had come from my mother. There was an email from Jeremiah, which surprised me. We hadn't talked much in the last year.

Belly,

How is Spain? I bet it is awesome, I missed seeing you and your mom at the summer house this summer. I was sitting in my business class this afternoon, not paying attention – of course ;-) and I was thinking about how weird it was that it was the first summer without you and your my om there. Steve came for a week, which I am sure you know. He hung out with me and Clay. Do you remember him? Yeah, the total tool, but he brings free beer, which I am totally okay with. Steve said you cut your hair. I told him I would have to see it to believe it. You promised me a little over a year ago you would never cut it. But it is okay if you did. Not that you need my okay. I am sure you don't look like a dweeb... kidding! I went to my mom's grave this past weekend when I went home for my dad's birthday. It is crazy that it has been four years since we have seen her.

Anyways, I hope you are having an amazing time. I can't believe this is my senior year. Dad is excited about me joining the company next year, can't say that I am not. I can't wait to start making money of my own.

Get back to me when you can! Love you Bells!

Jere.

I was surprised to hear from him but glad all the same. He has always been a constant in my life for so long, well up until recently if we are considering the span of my twenty-one years. He has always understood me without me having to put much effort into it, and for a good chunk of my life, he was more than a friend and confidant.

Jeremiah,

It is late here and I know that it is mid-day or something around there for you. I am good! Yeah, I stayed in town to work so that I could save up for this trip. Mom went to Vegas and I think she visited Conrad in California since she has never been there before. It was weird for me too. I was expecting you to come drag me out ofBehrsand find a reason to go to Cousins with you. Maybe a turtle needed saving or something, but nope – nada. I did cut my hair. It looks different, but I like it. I'll attach a picture of me and Anika in front of theMuseu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya. Yeah, I am cultured now – Take it in. Good luck in your senior year, and yeah. You should start paying attention in class for that paycheck! – Not kidding!

I will talk to you soon.

Belly

I attached a photo and pressed send. I didn't want to send him a photo of just me in front of something. I don't know it made me shy and I didn't want to seem like I was bragging or trying to make him regret anything – like losing me or us breaking up. I didn't regret anything we had between us because it was real. Even though it just wasn't meant to be. I received an email back a few minutes later from him, I didn't open the email because I had to go to bed. I sent my mom a quick email. She would be here in a week and I couldn't wait to see her. After all my nightly routines were finished I snuggled into my twin bed next to Anika's and fell asleep right away.

Two weeks later I received a medium sized package. I hadn't ordered anything and I wondered if my mom had sent me something that maybe I had forgotten, although I had no clue what it could be. Estella saw me using a knife in the kitchen to open the box. She was nosy and wondering what I had received from the United States.

"What is in there Chiquita?" She asked hovering close. She always called me and Anika "Chiquita" which made me always think of bananas. Anika and I called each other chiquita banana all the time after we noticed that was what she was going to call us. I first observed the mailing label on the box and saw that it was addressed from California. I only knew one person in California.

"Oh my gosh." I said looking up at Estella. She perked up at my response.

"What is it?" She asked with a panicked expression like someone I loved died or something. Her chubby hand clung to her chest as if her heart was giving out.

"No, no it's not bad." I explained to her. She released her chest as dramatically as she clutched it and let out a relieved moan.

I hadn't heard from Conrad since the day of the almost-wedding. I can still remember as fresh and exactly in my mind the way it felt when his lips pressed against my forehead. I remember panicking and mourning over the fact that I would never hear from him or see him again. Not that it would have ever been true. I decided to be calm as I carefully opened the box and surgically removed two flaps revealing an envelope over the top of the hidden wrapped contents.

"Chiquita?" Estella said, wanting to know what it was. Banana, I thought after the fact. I smiled to myself.

"It's from a ... old friend." I said hoping she would let me read it without interruptions. With her finally knowing, at least, who it was from, she left the kitchen and went into the back garden. I smiled to myself as I opened the letter.

["Dear Belly,

Firstly – I don't even know if I should be writing you, if this is allowed. I hope it's allowed. I hope you don't throw this away without even opening the box – because if you do, you'll miss out on something very important. Okay, fine, something that was once very important. To you.

I went over to your house to fix your moms computer. I went into your room to use the printer and I saw Junior Mint sitting on the bookshelf, looking pathetic. Remember him? Polar bear, wears glasses and a very stylish scarf?"] –I giggled at his description of Junior Mint.–["I won him for you at the ring toss? Do you remember how you used to go over the ring toss and just stare at the polar bears because you wanted one so bad? I probably spent about thirty or forty bucks trying to win you that damn bear.

Apparently, he misses you irrespective of the fact that you left him behind."] – Irrespective? Okay Encyclopedia boy, I thought and rolled my eyes with a smile spread clear across my face. – ["He feels lost without you. I'm serious, that's what he told me. Pathetic, right?

So here he is. Be nice to him, will you?

Conrad] – Excerpt from: WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE SUMMER- BY JENNY HAN

I traced my fingers across his signature at the bottom and re-read the letter three times before pulling Junior Mint out of the box and holding him against my chest. I just smiled and smiled that day. I knew Conrad was talking about his feelings about me through Junior Mint. He was lost without me. Ten-year-old Belly would be doing cartwheels across the beach at a declaration like that from Conrad Fisher. But now I was twenty-one year old Isabel Conklin and I wasn't about to just fold and let Conrad off that easy. I ran upstairs to put Junior Mint on my bed and put Conrad's handwritten letter to me in my secret hiding spot where I hide cash and my passport.

I was predictably ecstatic to see my mother when Estella and I picked her up from the airport in Estella's son's work truck. My mom agreed that Estella reminded her of Susannah as well. We ventured all over the city in her five-day stay. She even did some touring of her own when I was in class at the university. We took a billion photos.

I made sure to take pictures in front of a bronzed pig in front of one of the restaurants in the city. I held up a sign from my notebook that said, Steven written in a thick sharpy marker with an arrow pointing towards the pig. I knew he'd respect it and hate it at the same time. I made sure mom held my fanny-pack when I took the picture. I wasn't going to give him the pleasure of laughing at it instead of me laughing at him.

The only thing that stunk about Barcelona was how fast the days seemed to fly by when you were there. It was just that amazing. My mom left just as quickly as she arrived and I missed her so much when she left.

One night about a few days later I was determined to find some sour patch kids. I walked a few blocks around the city until I came across a convenience-like store that I had never been in. They did not have sour patch kids, but I bought some off-brand Twizzlers to tide me over. They ended up tasting nothing like Twizzlers and more like sticks of garbage, so I threw them in a trash can on the sidewalk where they belonged. I walked down a cobbled street I reset to my original goal, determined in my search for Sour Patch Kids. I found that I had taken a wrong turn and had no clue where I was. I doubled back and must've gone left instead of right and thinking about it now I actually was half a block from the convenience store I was just in. I sort of panicked and then ran back the other direction until I saw the clerk from the fake Twizzler store smoking a cigar outside on the sidewalk. Let's just say that was the last time I would go wandering around by myself.

I told my mom about it in an email that night. She responded back immediately the next scolding me for not having Anika with me. Anika was spending a lot of time with Estella's nephew Carlos. She really liked him. I told mom that too so she would forget that I went back on the buddy system.

During me and Ankia's time in Spain, we met a girl named Clara who we had a class with at the University. She was a classic beauty. Long black hair down to her waist. It had the perfect amount of body and she had the prettiest of olive skin. She had the fire that a Spaniard woman should have. She always talked about her failed relationships and what she would do to them if they came near her again, "I will scratch his eyes out!" She would say in the prettiest accent. Every guy back at our college would drool over her, but she was not to be trifled with. No American boy could handle her spirit.

She had two older sisters who were as equally feisty and they would fight all of the time so she would come stay at our place since she still lived with her whole family. It gave her space.

"You would not believe what Therese did to my new blouse, remember I just bought it, and she wore it." She said more, but she started talking in Spanish quickly and things got lost in translation until I heard, "puta" and then knew she was still talking about her sisters.

About two weeks later I was trying to work on a paper while Clara was telling me about the newest man in her life. She always had the most passionate exchanges with men, both good and bad. I was either mesmerized by her stories or scared for the well-being of the boy. Anika entered on the subject of alleyway sex and stopped dead in her tracks, in her hand was a package.

"Whatcha got there?" I asked.

Before I could see the contents of the box my heart already knew who it was for and from.

"It's for you from Conrad," Anika said grinning from ear to ear."

"Let's see," I said reaching for the box. I used my key to the house to open the box. I always had my keys on my wrist with a spiral keychain. It was the gushy kind that was fun to play with when we were just sitting around.

"What is that?" Clara asked leaving the public relations story behind. If I am even allowed to call it that.

"It's from Conrad." I say with a smile.

"Who is – "Clara started, But Anika shushed her and said I would explain.

Again, another letter was sitting neatly above the wrapped package in the box.

[ Dear Belly,

This is weird, writing to you like this. I think the last time I wrote someone an actual letter was a thank-you card to my grandma. For graduation money, I think. My mom was big on thank-you cards. Oh, by the way, you're welcome for Junior Mint. Laur told me you said thanks. Geez, I was hoping for a thank-you card, but I guess we can't all be as polite as me. Haha.]Yeah very funny, I thought smiling wryly.I mentally stuck my tongue out at him. [I should be working on bio-chem, but I'd rather be talking to you. Laurel says your Spanish is getting better. She told me you got lost the other day trying to hunt down a pack of Sour Patch Kids? Really? You're too grown-up for Junior Mint but not for Sour Patch Kids, huh? Here's the biggest bag I could find. It's economy sized. The next time I see you, I'm sure you'll be toothless. But happy. I really do hope you're happy.

Conrad] – Excerpt from WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE SUMMER – JENNY HAN

He wanted me to be happy. Conrad I am very happy, I thought. I was beyond excited to open my present in the box this time. It really was the biggest bag of Sour Patch Kids I had ever seen. I let Anika read the letter.

"Wow, he is the sweetest guy in the world." She declared. Anika met Conrad at the almost-wedding, I could tell then she thought he was a great guy, sophisticated, he had his crap together! I remember her telling me.

"Try telling that to Taylor," I said laughing and opening the bag of sour patch kids with Junior Mint on my lap. I stuffed a hand full into my mouth.

"Now tell me who this Conrad is?" Clara asked. I loved the way his name sounded in her accent. She made him sound like a prince or something.

"Oh, he is Belly's epic love," Anika said smiling and picking up Junior Mint for a twirl around the room.

"He is the first boy I have ever loved. He is the son of my mom's best friend Susannah. I think I may have mentioned her to you before. Me and Conrad grew up together." I said. I didn't talk about the Fisher boys much anymore. I spent a lot of time obsessing over each of them. It was now the era of Isabel.

"You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend Isabel?" She scolded. She also wagged her finger. Clara was a very passionate girl and he loved juicy love stories.

"I don't have a boyfriend! He is just a friend." I said defending myself.

"No, you said you loved him." She corrected.

"I do love him, it is just really complicated. Besides, I am just focusing on myself right now." I said folding up the sweet letter.

"Ha! Belly knows complicated, she almost married his brother." Anika laughed. She had her arms crossed, peeking over at me with a smirk.

I gave Anika a look. What a traitor. She just winked.

"Oh my god Isabel you have got to be kidding me, I had no idea you were a little ramera?" She said calling me a harlot. Clara made sure to teach me all of the bad words. Anika laughed because she knew too.

"So you see why it is complicated," I said opening the letter again. He wants a thank-you card. I smile at how he remains so much himself in just a letter.

"Why did you not marry the brother?" She asked.

"Because Conrad told me he was in love with me the night before our wedding. I told Jeremiah, his brother, and things got bad. Conrad said he didn't want me to marry Jeremiah and Jere didn't like that I still loved Conrad as well as him, I mean who would? I would have married Jeremiah that day if he would have been okay with it. He sort of forced it to be over by saying what needed to be said. He did me a favor that day. No, he did us both a favor that day. Neither one of us would have been good at being married. We were too immature." I said as summarizing as best I could. After having an almost solid two years it was easy to examine it now, it was so far away. I remember sitting in my bedroom wishing for the day that it felt like a distant memory.

"Then why were you with the brother anyways?" She asked eyeing my candy. I looked over at her eyeing her for eyeing my candy/present. I'm glad she didn't notice because I have been working on not being such a little baby about things. But people are who they are. I instinctively am this way. That's what happens when you have an older brother, its fight instinct and sometimes flight. If he is coming toward you with the wrath of the titans you run for the hills. Yeah, I always knew when to bail. I think I am hard with change because I am such a grudge holder when it comes to people who change. I realize now that it is why me and Taylor struggled to remain best friends through the adolescence stage of our friendship. I just couldn't stand her boy craziness when I wasn't on her level yet. She had changed. I am starting to accept that everything and everyone does.

"I loved Jere too, he was my first kiss. Now remember, I grew up with these boys, their mom was like a second mom to me. Jeremiah was my best friend too, you know?" I said trying to paint a brief picture of my complicated history. It was difficult to be brief about it. Summers into summers of memories can't be told in a few short minutes.

"So let me get his straight. Conrad told you he loved you after you agreed to marry his brother? The night before your wedding? That is messed up Isabel. You need to be careful with your heart. Don't write him back. If he made you wait to hear that he loved you before the night of your wedding than he needs a taste of his own medicine. He doesn't know what you are doing here. It is probably driving him loco." She said.

She was the master relationship manipulator. But I didn't want to do that to Conrad. Hadn't we played games long enough? Hadn't hiding our true feelings put us in this place to begin with? I was an adult now, I was no longer a silly teenaged girl will a crush. I was an adult that had to make rational life choices and playing with a boys feelings was not one of my priorities. Conrad would call me out on it anyways.

I re-read the letter a few more times and put it with the other.

"Are you going to write him back?" Anika asked.

"It is sweet of him, but not just yet. I am not really sure what to say to him other than, "hey how are you doing?"A lot of stuff has happened and I don't know where we go from here." I explained sticking my hand down in the bag, popping a little gummy kid into my mouth and chewing on the soury-sweetness. Clara finally put her hand in the back and got a small handful of them and smiled at me like a mean little bully kid.

"Yeah you two do have a little bit of a complicated past. Speaking of complicated, Carlos has invited me to go to a matador event, but he invited his friend Benito and wants me to talk you into coming on the date." Anika said smiling sweetly.

"What about me?" Clara asked offended.

"Because you dated his cousin who tells him you are crazy." Anika always gave people the truth, but she did it in a way that took the blow away. Clara rolled her eyes, saying whatever with an eye roll.

"Benito? Is he nice?" I asked.

"Yeah, he is nice and really cute," She said feeling hopeful for a yes.

"Well let me check my calendar." I pulled out my planner for effect and said, "Well it looks like I don't have plans." And I laughed at myself and she laughed too.

"He really is cute, you guys might hit it off," She said smiling and wiggling her eyebrows which reminded me of Taylor.

"It will be fun to have a new friend," I emphasized the word friend.

"Yeah it will be," Anika said with a wink that made me uncomfortable. Wasn't she just cheering for Conrad?

That is all for now, SheSwann

* I will try to post a new chapter every Sunday night! Thank you to those who read! *