Brittany Doesn't Understand
"Hey babe!" Santana grins as she comes up behind Brittany to place a sloppy, wet kiss on her cheek.
Brittany wipes it of in a disgusted manner, but then grins herself and pulls Santana in for a long lingering kiss on the lips.
"Get a room!" some jock from down the hall shouts, and Brittany can feel Santana flinch. She represses her sigh. She knows it was hard for Santana to finally go public with their relationship, but she was trying really hard not to break under social pressure and Brittany largely appreciated the effort.
Santana linked their hands (all fingers now since that was allowed) as she led Brittany to the choir room. She tried to ignore Artie's glare which was burning a whole in her back. Oddly enough, after she had gotten together with Brittany she began to feel a lot more guilty for what she had done.
Artie just skulked around nowadays looking lonely, angry, or depressed. Only a month ago Santana had been the same way and she could not enjoy his pain (which was something Santana did a lot with other people's pain).
The two sat down next to Kurt and Mercedes who began to excitedly gab about Nationals with Brittany. Santana was, of course, welcome to the conversation but she chose to just sit there, and enjoy the feel of Brittany's hand in hers.
Mine, mine, mine, mine… was all that kept playing over in her head. And the more she thought about it the tighter her grip became; she would never let Brittany go. There was nothing, she wouldn't do, for her girlfriend.
-2 months later-
While the rest of the school seemed to have gotten bored of the new development, Santana wasn't bored at all. Everyday with Brittany was like being born again; the sun shined the brightest it ever did, the rain was as loud as it ever was, the air tasted as fresh and sweet in her mouth as it did the day she took her first breath. (This was all, of course, something she could never iterate because it was so disgustingly sappy).
Brittany, on the other hand, received their relationship a bit differently. Since she had always known she loved Santana, them publicly announcing their relationship was just something that happened. She expected it to happen. And now that it did, she fell into that comfortable pattern of waking up to Santana's texts, kissing her in the hallways, holding hands whenever they were together…she felt secure.
Santana was the hardest fish for her to catch in the sea, and after trying so long she was exhausted. She was comfortable just knowing that Santana was her girlfriend now (just in case anyone asked).
Still she knew Santana was uncomfortable with the looks and whispers. At one point someone had taken to posting mean notes on her locker every morning. They never stopped, Brittany just got to them before Santana did. It required a bit of effort but the smile on Santana's face every morning was worth it.
Other than the general amount of bullying and harassment that the Glee Club received, things had never been better for them. Santana was even becoming nicer to people (since all the burden had been lifted off her shoulder the moment Brittany said "yes"). She sang The Reason in Glee Club and even Rachel clapped although she was still a bit resentful for all of the bullying Santana had done to her in the past.
Things could never be better.
-Nationals-
"WE WON!" Santana screamed, and even though there were 11 other Gleeks around Brittany screaming as well, she heard Santana's voice above the rest. She picked up her girlfriend, and kissed her passionately, never ever wanting to set her down.
Santana and Brittany went around hugging everyone, even Rachel (whom again, felt animosity towards Santana, but was too excited to care). The after party was amazing, walking into school with a trophy was amazing, and in bed that night, Santana was a m a z i n g.
-Summer-
Was it the heat? Was Brittany's skin not tough enough to resist the burn? Everything Santana did, or didn't do now jabbed Brittany in the side like a thorn.
It had been their six-month-a-versary and Santana completely forgot. Brittany called up Kurt (who was an expert on these sorts of things) and asked him if a good girlfriend should remember her six-month-a-versary.
"Of course, Britt," he reasoned, "but it is Santana, so don't take it personally."
Ouch. Was this what everyone made Santana out to be? Unreliable? Careless? Brittany denied it as hard as she could, but ended up crying around 10 at night when Santana still hadn't called.
She slowly dragged herself upstair and went to sleep in misery.
In the morning she woke up, considerably warmer than before and checked to see that she didn't wear sweatpants to sleep again.
To the contrary. Currently wrapped around her were Santana's tan arms, her face nuzzled into Brittany's neck. Brittany immediately spotted a rainbow of irises in a vase on her dresser, next to a box of takeout from Breadstix, and an envelope stuck to her mirror.
She quietly separated herself from Santana, and made a beeline for the card.
Dear Brittany,
I'm sorry I'm so late. I'm even writing this card late, or else I wouldn't have been saying I'm sorry. I know this is important to you, it's important to me too, and I wish I had remembered a hell of a lot earlier, just know that no matter how many mistakes I make, no matter how many events I forget…my love for you will always remain. You are the most important person to me in this whole friggin universe, and I will not let my carelessness get in the way of what we have.
So, you know I like to write, and I'm sorry I don't show you a lot of my stuff it's just a little too personal. But I'm hoping that I can share more with you in the future because I know one day we'll be living together, with matching rings and maybe a couple kids, just to prove to the world how in love we are. But for now, you can at least read this poem, and hopefully you'll understand a little better just how much I do love you.
If love is all we have,
then all I have is you,
and all I want is this,
every single time we kiss,
I feel butterflies take flight,
inside my stomach and my chest,
and I know for only you,
I will try my very best.
I will try to make you happy,
and I will love you every day,
I'll love you past all reason,
I'll love you through forever,
and ever and ever and ever,
I just love you,
okay?
xoxo San 3
Tears were leaking out of Brittany's eyes, and she hugged her sides, trying to regain her composure. Suddenly smaller hands where on top of hers, and Santana was kissing the back of Brittany's neck, and her shoulder blades, and arms…
"Did you like it," she inquired softly, her lips hovering over Brittany's skin.
Brittany turned around and kissed Santana with as much love and passion she could muster. She tried to put everything she was too stupid (but not really stupid) to say into that kiss. Her arms encircled Santana's neck and she brought them even closer together, her tears now dripping down Santana's nose as she tried to kiss Santana into oblivion.
When they finally broke apart, gasping for air, Santana smiled shyly and said, "Happy Anniversary Baby."
-Senior Year-
Brittana started Senior Year strong, now being the oldest class in the school they had some power over the underclassmen, regardless they're being in Glee.
In fact they had been nominated for class couple and Brittany was overly-ecstatic to share the news. Santana chuckled and kissed Brittany on the cheek as her girlfriend continued to squeal with excitement.
"Oh my gosh, San!" she screamed, "we could SOOO win, we're the cutest couple on Earth!"
"Damn straight," Santana affirmed with a nod.
Later on that day, things went south. Santana was greeted with a slushy facial outside her Physics class and was in shock, since it had been nearly a year since her last. Bullying had marginally decreased in McKinnely and she not about to get used to this again.
Storming off to the bathroom she skipped first period entirely, even after she was clean, just to sit and contemplate exactly who she was.
Looking the mirror she easily defined herself as Santana Lopez. Even as she was still reeling from the attack she still wore her signature smirk (it seemed to be permanently plastered onto her face).
Looking a little south she saw a girl with major insecurities, as her enlarged chest reminded her painfully of the day she got her surgery.
She had to look away for a moment.
Looking back she saw a hickey on her collarbone, and a flush on her cheeks from her and Britt's quickie this morning. She looked into her own eyes and saw a mix of anguish and love.
Anguish because she was just publicly humiliated. Because coming out was still the hardest thing she's had to deal with, and continue to deal with. Because nobody in this school really likes her, and it's kind of her fault. Because even though high school's been a bitch it's going to be over soon and she will miss it.
Love, because her love for Brittany never leaves for a second. It's always burning behind her eyes, like a flame that never dies.
"San," a voice calls quietly from the doorway.
Santana ushers Brittany in and the blonde quickly wraps her in a hug, "I'm so sorry" she whispers into Santana's hair.
"Don't," Santana murmurs, "it's not your fault or mine. I'm okay." She's clearly not okay.
Brittany stared at their reflection in the mirror. She didn't see the happy smiling couple she always imagined them to be. They looked pained, desperate, so in love…
"You don't always have to be strong, you know," Brittany mutters quietly, "it's okay to break down."
"It's not okay," Santana argues harshly, "I just need to get used to the fact that people will always be like this. I need to cut my losses. I need to be strong…for you," she adds quietly.
Brittany sighs, "I just need to know that you're mine. Happy or upset, broken or fixed. I don't need you to be strong all the time, I just need you to be with me, no matter what."
"I'll always be with you."
-Graduation-
Santana sits by Artie's chair in Glee club, his thumb stroking the back of her hand, the two smiling shy, contented smiles.
Brittany sits, heartbroken, in the back of the room, shamelessly crying in front of the whole Glee Club.
The tension is so palpable Mercedes is finding it hard to breathe so she finally shouts, "Okay, what the hell happened here?" Kurt glares at her for lack of tact, but Santana whips her head around, and instead of slapping Mercedes, tells the incredible story that is their breakup:
~flashback~
"Hey Britt-Britt," Santana chirps as she comes up behind Brittany at her locker. Brittany won't turn around.
"Brittany," Santana says, a bit more firm and the blonde whips around, her hair slapping Santana in the face.
"What!" the taller girl snaps, in a very un-Brittany-like manner.
"What's wrong with you?"
"You!"
It sounds like a slap. Santana backs down a bit, allowing Brittany space to breathe, and hopefully calm down.
"What did I do, B?" Santana asks quietly.
"It's what you didn't do Santana, like always," Brittany says, rolling her eyes.
"What do you mean, like always?" Santana snaps back.
"When was our last date, San?" Brittany asks impatiently.
"Um, last night. Didn't I bring Chinese, and we watched Dirty Dancing in your basement?"
"You call that a date?"
Santana frowned, "Enlighten me then; what's a date to you?"
"Flowers, a dinner someplace besides Breadstix. A day in the park, or the zoo…
Brittany struggled with her words, "Listen, I love you San but you really suck at romance."
Santana was really angry now but she tried to keep it in check, "Why should all of that matter to you! You know I love you. I text you that every morning, and every night. Why do I have to make some big spectacle just for you to feel special?"
Brittany tried to hold her angry face but it eventually morphed into tears, "I'm sorry."
Santana didn't hesitate to embrace Brittany even though they were previously fighting.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she keep sobbing but Santana shushed her.
"What is this really about, B?"
Brittany bit her lip, "Well Tina was telling me about all this stuff Mike does for her and she said she really thinks he loves her, and I was confused. I mean, you don't do all that stuff so does it mean you don't love me?"
Before Santana could interrupt Brittany placed a finger on her lip and continued, "But then I remembered that card, and all those texts, and how much I love just eating Chinese and watching movies with you and I knew that our love was just as real as theirs. But then I felt something different. I felt…tired."
Now Santana looked confused. Brittany threw her arms up in frustration, "I mean, I feel like I'm working too hard. I always have to comfort you whenever you hear the slightest bit of gossip surrounding us, and I always have to remember all our special dates, and I'm always buying you little gifts and asking you about your day and you rarely do any of that for me. I know you love me San, but I feel like I'm carrying all the weight of this relationship."
Santana wanted to argue so badly, but the guilt washed over here liked a giant Tsunami. She silently agreed to be a better girlfriend from then on, and continued to hold Brittany as she cried out all her sorrows.
But after that it only got worse. Santana asked how Brittany's day went, and bought her gifts, which steadily improved their relationship for a good two weeks but then it flatlined.
Brittany became accustomed to the attention. She got bored. Santana persisted, trying to meet all of Brittany's requests but being romantic wasn't about being in love anymore. It was a show, and Santana felt faker than her implants.
Around Valentines Day they had another big blowout. Brittany was yelling at Santana for not planning anything and Santana was yelling at Brittany for caring so much.
"You know what Britt, I think you just don't understand!" Santana finally screamed. They were in her room, her parents were gone, and all hell had broke loose.
"What do you mean?" Brittany yelled back.
"I mean if this is all you care about, this fruity, showy stuff then you simply don't care enough. I care enough to remind you that I love you, every second of the day because I don't ever want you to forget. Even when we're fighting I forgive you the moment I get angry just 'cause I know I'll never have anyone better than you. All day you're the first thing in my mind, but I know I'm not the first thing on yours. While we're together maybe, but then you go off with your other friends, and I'm okay to share except that they brainwash you. Telling you I'm no good just 'cause I don't put on a show for Valentines Day?"
"It's fucking Valentines Day Santana, you can't tell me you actually thought I'd be expecting nothing!"
"Of course not!" Santana screeched, "I did plan something for us, but you didn't even give me the chance to show you!"
Brittany was silenced a bit.
Santana took this time to simmer down a bit, "I'm sorry. I just, I get the feeling that you don't love me as much as I love you. I appreciate all that you do for me, but I don't need all the presents, and surprise dates to know that I love you. So why do you need all those things from me? I'm willing to give, but I just want to know why."
Brittany had no answer.
Santana grabbed her hand, and walked her to the park. She took her to the dock by the big lake in the center, and revealed the little loveboat she had waiting. It was in the shape of two swans, their necks arched into a heart, patiently bobbing in the water.
They got in silently and floated off as the man released the rope and the driver (pedaler) pedaled out into the lake.
"I love you so much," Santana whispered, and Brittany's heart broke a little.
Brittany knew what was wrong, and it was not Santana's incompetence. It was the fact that Santana was right; Brittany just didn't love her as much. She tried to blame their relationship troubles in the fact that Santana wasn't the type to spoil her but Brittany was not a material girl.
She was simply overwhelmed by the love and dedication Santana felt for her. She knew she was unable to match it. She felt guilt beyond all guilt and her way of coping was to put it all on Santana. She had no idea being in a relationship with her could be this hard…
"San," she whispered croakily, and Santana faced her with tears streaming down her cheeks, as she knew what was coming…
~end of flashback~
Brittany was now bawling in the back, and Artie's grip on Santana's hand tightened. The Glee Club was officially silenced.
"Come on San," Artie whispered, and she sat down on his lap, as they rolled out of the choir room. On their way they bumped into Mr. Shue, who was too shocked by the new relationship to realize they were skipping Glee.
"It gets better," Artie mumbled between kisses.
"I love you," Santana said in response, and her heart clenched, waiting for the knife.
"I love you too," he said heatedly, holding her like she was the only thing worth loving on this earth.
Her heart settled finally.