Hey guys, so I was going to write this for Hiatus-Monday but I've been really swamped lately with finals coming up and I just recently had a death in the family so my personal life is a little all over the place. It's random, nonsensical and unedited so if you spot errors just let me know and maybe tell me nicely because I like honey over vinegar. For those waiting for Glass Slipper: I know it's REALLY late and it's mostly written but like I said, things have been all over the place lately so you'll get it before the week is out, I promise.
Please review and as always, you can follow me on twitter at vatrask
Enjoy 3
It had been a long day. The case had been draining, dealing with a distant Castle had been draining, avoiding Gates' satisfied smirks was draining – her entire day was just draining and she was ready to relax and let all of her negative emotions just drain out of her. Solution: Bubble bath, a giant glass of wine and a book that reminded her of the complicatedly uncomplicated days; Heat Wave. Step one, strip down to a robe and find the biggest wine glass in the apartment. The titled floor was cool under her toes, soothing to her usually heeled soles, matching the entirely too cool environment of the empty apartment. She always came home to an empty home and while she had considered briefly – for an extensive period of time – about getting a pet of some sort, she realized that misery didn't love company quite that much. So Kate was home alone; again – as she always was – preparing for a quiet night at home as though she were actually excited about spending it alone instead of in the arms of
No one, she reassured herself; she's not thinking about that certain mystery writer who took up residence in her heart and locked the door behind him with the only copy of the key. Sometimes she cursed her heart for not making a spare key because on nights like this, the lock twisted and ached until she couldn't stand it any longer and drowned her sorrows in wine. Which is exactly what she was doing now; nice Katie, she scolded herself, you can't solve your problems with alcohol. That's exactly how things used to be. And compared to now – baring the last few weeks – the past sucked. Now her dad was sober, happy – talking to her – and she was lighter than in the past as well. That's because you were shot and you lost weight during physio. She slapped away the sarcastic pessimist that liked to pop its ugly little head out every once in a while and focused on the obvious answer.
"It's Castle." She jumped from the fridge, nearly hitting her head on the open cupboard, as she heard an all too familiar voice that sent a shiver up her spine.
"Mom?" She slowly turned to see Johanna Beckett smirking at her from her position sitting on the ceramic island as though she had always been there. With one leg crossed over the other and a messy bun on top of her head, she looked like she did the last time Kate saw her – before the crime scene; before everything. It had been ten years but she had memorized every last detail of her mother's face so that every time she closed her eyes, she would see her smiling or laughing instead of simply dead. It helped for when her days got really bad. "I shouldn't be seeing you yet; I haven't even opened the bottle yet." She released a breathy laugh – the kind Castle would have described as casually nervous.
"See, you're thinking about him right now." Her voice was angelic to Kate's ears but it didn't have the same effect, knowing that this figure before her wasn't really her mother.
Instead she scoffed, returning to her quest to find the biggest bowl for her wine as possible. "You sound like Lanie."
"I like that girl; she talks sense."
Kate rolled her eyes "mom, not that I don't appreciate it but why are you here? I'm no closer to finding your killer so-"
"No I'm not here about that." Johanna smiled gently, her legs swinging lazily in the same place she had left them. "I came to see what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong mom." She shook her head, avoiding eye contact because even in death, her mother could see right through her and only one of them could be transparent.
But Johanna Beckett was not one to be ignored so she pursed her lips and raised her eyebrow and Kate couldn't believe her suspects had survived that look when she interrogated them. "Darling I wouldn't be here if nothing were wrong."
Kate sighed, pausing in her quest find a fishbowl to pour her scotch into. "What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me why you aren't with Castle."
Closing her eyes and heaving a long, heavy breath, she grabbed a medium glass and pulled a pre-opened bottle of red wine from her fridge. "Because he's probably out with that blonde bimbo right now."
Whoa, Beckett, was that bitterness in her voice? Johanna smirked. "I meant, why aren't you with him in a general sense but we'll get back to that snappy tone later."
Choosing to ignore the latter half of her mother's remark, Kate placed the bottle and glass on the table beside her mother's legs and poured more than a generous amount – the confidence or possibly the insanity, was spilling over the edge. "For the same reason that I'm not with him right now;" she shrugged "he's not with me."
"Well it's not for lack of trying." Johanna mumbled, causing her daughter do a spit-take and choke on her insanity – or was it confidence?
"What?"
"Oh come on sweetie the man has been in love with you for a long time – long before he told you out loud – and not only are you ignoring those feelings that you know he has for you, but you're trampling all over them."
"How am I trampling all over them?" She mocked her, her head shaking in sarcasm.
Johanna scoffed. "Come on Katie, it's been eleven months since the incident and you still haven't even acknowledged that anything happened."
She gaped at her mother "I'm-"
"You're what; dealing with things?" She winced at Johanna's scrutinizing tone and only nodded in response. "What the hell does that even mean?"
"It means…" she searched her vocabulary for the right form of crap to make her excuse seem legitimate.
As she thought, Johanna calmed, her expression softening to a comforting but sad smile. "You don't even know do you?"
And she had her answer. "I'm waiting to find your killer."
"Kate," Johanna tisked "if you keep going like this, he may as well be your killer, too."
Kate paled. "What?"
"You of all people should know that life isn't permanent; you can't keep putting off the things you want for the things you think you need."
"Think I need?" Her voice was barely a whisper now, sitting beside her mother, running her finger around the rim of the glass.
"You found justice for me two years ago; the rest of this is just an excuse to avoid moving on. And I know that it's terrifying to wake up one day and find that the thing that you think defined your life isn't there anymore but that's the wonderful thing about life: you can find new things to define the wonderful woman you are – because not one thing can claim to be Kate Beckett."
Kate was silent for a long moment, staring down at her fingernails, picking at the skin there; her heart pounding out of her chest. She knew that her mother was right – of course she knew; it was her imagination haunting her waking state – but she was feeling more than a little lost. "What am I supposed do then?"
"Let the wound heal." Her words were precise and gentle "you can't keep reliving that pain over and over; you have to let yourself move on."
Tears pricked her eyes "how am I supposed to do that?"
"You don't have to do it over night," she insisted "but you have to start."
Kate crossed her arms, heaving a long breath, her eyes darting to the window. Her voice was shaking with the sobs she hadn't yet released "I have to know what happened to you."
"Kate," her voice was so gentle it was barely a whisper "Kate, look at me." She did. "You know what happened to me; I died protecting the ones I love and the victims I defended – as I lived. Can that be enough for now?"
She bit her lip and rolled her eyes, rocking in her chair; she laughed "you know the answer, you're in my head."
"Regardless" she smirked "you should say it out loud."
Her reply was instantaneous "no; it's not enough." She threw her hands up, standing from the stool to pace before her mother "I can't just bury this and forget about all the people who died protecting this secret. Raglan, Lockwood" she chocked "Montgomery."
"Sweetie" Kate looked at her mom, taking deep, controlling breaths to calm her nerves "I'm not asking you to forget them, I'm just asking you to not let them take over your life; let someone in."
"Like who; like Castle?" She spit "the guy tonguing some twenty-year old skank as we speak on some mid-life crisis?"
"No," Johanna spoke carefully, her voice steady "I mean someone like Rick Castle; the guy who's been by your side from the very beginning, in some way or another, waiting for you to figure out that the two of you are meant to be together."
Kate shook her head, her face twisting in disgust "he didn't always love me."
"But he was always there even when you didn't want him." She leaned against the counter, watching her mother scold her from the great beyond, knowing that she was right. "He held your hand – comforted and supported you – through everything that's happened these past four years and the only reason he's pulling away now is because you weren't holding his."
"How am I supposed to tell him how I feel?"
Johanna finally smiled genuinely; sweetly and gently but the joy reached her eyes this time "that is the easy part sweetie, you walk up to his door and you tell him. Straight out; no beating around the bush, no distractions – no thinking – just tell him."
Finally Kate released the breath she was holding and laughed on the air "alright." She cleared her throat; regaining the courage she had spit out "alright tomorrow I'll-"
"No," Her mother cut her off "right now."
"Right now?"
"Right now," Johanna confirmed, hoping to rile her daughter's spirits "like you said, he's probably tonguing some twenty-year-old so he'll be up."
Instantly her thoughts dove a little too below the belt. "Mom!" She exclaimed but Johanna simply rolled her eyes.
"You know what I mean; now march over to that boy's loft and tell him you love him too"
Kate nodded vigorously, her body buzzing with anticipation "Yes, I'm going to go over to Rick's apartment, knock on his door and…" she suddenly looked over to the kitchen island to find it empty with the air refreshingly warm and smelling like lilies. Not wanting to lose her momentum and reminding herself that she had plenty of time to say goodbye, she slipped her feet into a pair of beige flats and ran out the door
The door looked much more daunting when she didn't have her heels on. Or maybe it the reason for standing in front of the door that made her breath come faster and her pulse beat from every pore of her body. Either way, her knock was staccato and quite; it was no surprise that it was several agonizing minutes before she finally heard feet shuffling towards the door and the lock being turned.
"Beckett?" His eyes were bloodshot, his hair mussed and his pajama pants and shirt were entirely too open to keep her from distraction. But there was one message that she received loud and clear: he had been asleep. He wasn't up as her ghost mother had predicted. "What's up?" He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, squinting at the mild light in the hallway and observed the anxious figure before him, biting her lip like it may come off any moment. It was only then that he observed her completely. "And why are you only wearing a robe?" She instantly looked down at herself and would have blushed if she wasn't already flushed from nervousness. "Kate, what's wrong?"
She looked up at his concerned but tired expression "I…" The words left her in a breath "I…"
He was entirely too serious now. "Kate?"
Her lips were on his in the next breath, her arms coming up to his neck, pulling him down to her level and keeping him against her until he responded. He tripped briefly, caught by the surprise of her embrace but it only took a moment for the tingling sensation of finally took over and he pulled her up by her waist so she was barely touching the ground; floating.
Several hours, a long conversation and many kisses later, Kate was curled up at Rick's side, sitting on the couch watching yet another cheesier infomercial about a useless kitchen product. Knowing that she had to be up in the next few hours so she could go home and put actual clothes on, she allowed herself to relax into his side and perhaps finally get just a little bit of sleep. Rick, still baffled by the events which suddenly brought them here, tucked her closer to him until he felt her entire side pressed into him. "Castle," he hummed in response "I think my mom would have loved you."