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Hidden Feelings

Part I

Warrior: Friend

The first early rays of sunlight rose up over the small camp. The embers of last night's warm fire was still glowing, but the coziness and heat had long since given way to chilled early morning air. Three forms huddled in skins and bedrolls around the circle of the fire, clinging to the last moments of warmth they could indulge in before rising to pack for the day's journey.

One of the forms stirred, and from it emerged a head full of long dark hair that concealed a pair of pale blue eyes. Shivering and pulling the cover tightly around her tall frame, Xena rose to her feet and stumbled over to the dying fire. Picking up some dry twigs and throwing them on top of the fading coals, she then picked up a stick and teased the fire back to life. Feeling renewed warmth returning to her chilled body, she leaned back against a log and reveled in the quiet of a new dawn.

As she sat, wrapping her arms around her knees and resting her head on them, her thoughts turned to the events of the day before, and particularly what transpired between her two companions. It had all been so crazy... the whole thing with Cupid, Draco, Gabrielle, and Joxer. "Imagine me and DRACO! By the Gods, how ridiculous!" she thought. It's true they had a history together as warlords and fought together many times in the past, and Draco had been interested in her as more than a fellow warlord. But as for her own feelings, they had been strictly business where he was concerned.

True, it was funny to think of the mismatch of herself and Draco, but the other mismatch that came from this Cupid incident, the one of Gabrielle and Joxer, was the one that troubled her the most. She had traveled with Gabrielle for a few years now and had shared many adventures, and many personal times, both good and bad. Gabrielle was like the sister she had never had, and she loved her dearly, thanking the gods every day for her friendship.

Joxer had became an important part of her life, too. When they had first met him, he was somewhat of a nuisance, and there were times when she wanted to, and did, punch him for being so bumbling. But Joxer the Mighty was persistant, and in time she saw what was inside the funny warrior wannabe. He was a man of goodness and a pure heart, a true, honest friend. He had proven it to her time after time. Under that clumsy exterior and that goofy hat was a good man, a man that would give his life for her and Gabrielle. He was also a man who would never hurt them. His heart was full of goodness and love, a rare man, these days.

Xena had known many men. Too many, by some peoples standards maybe, but it was her life and part of who she was. Strange, though, out of all the men she had encountered in her life only two stood out as truly good and decent. That was Hercules and Joxer. Who could have ever imagined that Joxer would share equal billing with Hercules in her mind as one of the men she valued most in her life? Yet he did. Joxer was special.

Yes, these two forms still sleeping peacefully by the fire, Gabrielle and Joxer, were the most important people in her life, and the thought of losing either of them was one that she couldn't bear. That is what made this thing with Cupid so hard. Gabrielle had been under the influence of Cupids arrow; but Joxer, poor Joxer, to him it was very real.

Xena shuddered at the image of Joxer's face and the hurt that was in his eyes, when Gabrielle laughed at the idea of the two of them in love. Joxer had been in love with Gabrielle from the moment they first met and had dreamed of them being together one day as more than friends. His hopes had soared to the sky when he thought Gabby had finally fallen in love with him. "Oh, Gabrielle, sometimes you can be so dense!" Xena whispered to herself. Didn't she realize what she could have? Does'nt she know how lucky she is to have a man like that love her? "The fool!"

Xena felt anger at Gabrielle's disregard for Joxer's feelings. She remembered how she had caressed his shoulder, to show him she felt his hurt, also. She remembered the other feelings, too, the ones that had her confused now. How she had wanted to hold him close to her and make his hurt go away, how she had wanted to kiss his tears away! "What is happening to me? This is Joxer, a friend- no, more than a friend, a brother! Why am I feeling this way?"

Rustling sounds from the other side of the fire brought her out of her thoughts. "Morning, Xena!" Joxer rose from his bundle of furs, and smiled. He looked refreshed, but the sadness from the night before still lingered on his boyishly handsome face.

"Boy, that fire sure looks good! What's for breakfast?"

"Breakfast? Don't ask me, the cook is still sleeping. But I suppose I could see if there is any fish in that creek."

"Ok, you check out the fish and I'll find some more wood. That creek looks cold. Have fun!" Joxer chuckled and walked towards the woods.

"You know it wouldn't hurt you to fish sometimes, Joxer!" Xena yelled after him, as she stood up and adjusted the blanket around her and headed toward the icy water's edge. It was good to see him smile. Maybe this thing with Gabrielle would not leave too many scars after all.

Returning from the creek with a string of small but easily caught trout, Xena was thankful to see that Gabrielle had finally gotten up and was tending the fire. A nice pile of wood was stacked next to the fire pit as Joxer was busying himself packing up his things. This was something that she needed to get busy doing herself. The morning was already getting old and they had a long journey ahead of them to the Amazon village, a walk of at least three days.

It was time for the annual tribal counsel meeting and Gabrielle needed to fulfill her responsibility as Princess and overseer of the meeting in Ephiny's place. Since Ephiny had given birth to Xenon, her time was spent in the Centaur village as much as her own village. After Phantes was killed, she had inherited his responsibilities to the Centaurs, since she was his wife. She was now torn between the Amazons and the Centaurs, but at least their union had brought some peace between the two villages.

After everyone had eaten their fill of the trout and camp had been packed, it was time to leave for the village.

Xena noticed a different air between her companions this morning. The usual joking and teasing between them was not there this time. Joxer kept his distance from Gabrielle and had not even looked up from his meal while she chattered like nothing at all was wrong. "Gabrielle...how can you be so blind! Gods, can't you see how much you have hurt him?" There it was again, that same feeling of anger at Gabrielle that she had been feeling since last night, and the same sudden urge to take Joxer in her arms and comfort him. "What is happining to me?" Xena kicked the dirt under her foot and headed towards Argo.

The day had been tiresome and uneventful as well as unnervingly quiet, except for the few outbursts of idle chatter from Gabrielle. Still the tension in their midst was undeniable. Joxer had chosen to walk several paces behind them by himself for most of the day. Xena cast looks back at him several times and was saddened by the lost, lonely look on his face. Argo was tiring so they stopped at a shady grove of apple trees. Here, they rested while Argo grazed. After emptying the waterskin, Xena went to the saddlebags to get the other one and bring it to Joxer, who was sitting alone under a large oak tree. He continued to stay as far away from Gabrielle as he could. "Hey, you look like you could use some of this," Xena spoke softly.

"You got anything stronger?" Smiling, Joxer took the waterskin and drank deeply from it. Wiping his mouth, he looked up at Xena, "I've been thinking about this trip. I don't think it would be a good idea for me to join you two there. Besides, I need some time to myself, to sort things out in my mind. So I won't be leaving with you when we're done here. I'm going to go back to Thebes for awhile. I haven't seen my family in a long time. They probably think I'm dead by now!" He looked down at the ground and twirled a blade of grass between his fingers.

"I understand, Joxer. Sometimes we all just need to be alone to think. I hope you find your family to be well. I'm sure they will be overjoyed to see you again." Xena reached out to him and ran her hand lovingly down his arm giving his hand an understanding squeeze. Joxer got up, hugged her and started down the opposite direction of the trail. Looking back, he said, "I'll miss you guys, stay out of trouble now, ok!"

Xena watched him walk away and suddenly felt a rush of sadness overcome her. "This was wrong! He should not feel so alone and unwelcome with them" She wanted to run after him and stop him from going..."What, again? Come on Xena, get a grip!"

Gabrielle came up and poked her in the ribs, startling her out of her thoughts. "Hey, where's Joxer going? Isn't he coming with us?"

"No...he's going home to visit his family. He's got some things on his mind.."

"Oh, well, I did notice that he was awfully quiet today. Well, come on! We'd better get a move on if we want to get there before the meeting starts."

They traveled on for the rest of the afternoon, but Xena could not stop worrying about Joxer. "He looked so depressed when he left us earlier. Is he going to be able to deal with this rejection? The road to Thebes is a dangerous one. Is he going to be alert to the danger or will his thoughts make him careless? What if something happens to him?"

Xena stopped Argo in her tracks. "Gabrielle, I can't go with you to the village. There's something I have to do and you know how I hate crowds anyway. Don't worry, when I get done I will come back and meet up with you in a couple of weeks, ok?"

"Xena? What do you have to do that is so important that you just jump up and take off now?"

" I can't talk about it now, Gabrielle; but trust me, it is very important." With that Xena turned Argo around and kicked her into a gallop. Looking back at Gabrielle, she called out, "I will see you in two weeks! Be careful, and tell the Amazons hello for me!"

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders and shook her head in confusion, as she continued on down the trail.

"I've got to catch up with Joxer!" Xena thought to herself. "He doesn't need to be alone now. What kind of friend would I be if I left him to deal with this by himself?" Xena urged Argo on, knowing that it would soon be dark and Joxer would have too much of a lead on her by morning. She had to find him now!