Dawg Daze of Summer

It was one of those glorious summer mornings in Shiloh; cicadas were buzzing in the trees, pondskaters were skating across ponds, and Lyle the insurance weasel was harassing another potential customer.

Standing with Lyle in front of the town hall was an old man with a long white beard who was dressed in a white robe. "See? This paper? Sign it. You won't regret it. My boss? He'll be happy." The old man replied, "I am most regretful, dear weasel, that I am unable to sign your paper."

"What? Kidding? You got to be. You pulling my leg? BUSTING MY CHOPS?" The old man had almost fell over after Lyle shouted at him. "Dear weasel, please mind your shouting, 'tis only ten hours into the day!" He went behind Lyle and pointed past the town gate. "Do you see yonder wicket-gate?" "No. Sorry. Can't see. Gate, huh?"

"Well then, get thou closer!" The old man kicked Lyle in the rump and sent him flying in the air. As he soared through the wild blue yonder, he smashed into Gulliver's Porpoise 5000 and then fell down to the world below. Inside, Gulliver panicked as his ship lost altitude; he tried regaining control of the vessel to no avail. "Oh snorbits!" he cursed. "That funny-headed creature just fixed the Porpoise last week!" His UFO then fell on a New Mexico highway, crushing a limousine full of drug company representatives and thus destroying the FDA as we know it.

Anyway, back in Shiloh, it was time for the monthly meeting of the Shiloh Poetry Club. This month the club voted to hold the meeting in Jorus' mansion, seeing as how the last meeting, which was held in a Laundromat, met with disaster. But nothing could top the time in March's meeting when everyone went to The Roost and Puckhed (His parents named him that because his eyes are big and round like hockey pucks), Jorus' cousin from Kentucky, drank too much coffee, dressed up like Elvis and began singing the King's greatest hits.

Most of the town's residents had spent the night in the mansion because they claimed didn't want to miss a minute of the poetry (It was just an excuse so they could mooch off of Jorus).

The animals had gathered around Tahiri, the hot babe that Puckhed had goo-goo eyes for, and had been reciting the poems they had written.

And as I think about my mop,

Most people think I'm over the top!

The animals applauded. "That was wonderful, Gladys." Said Tahiri.

"Can I go next?" said Elmer. "Elmer, You idiot! You've already told us your poem four times!" growled Gaston. "Remember? The one about the barbecued ribs with BBQ sauce that was so hot it was psychedelic?" "Oh yeah, I forgot." Said Elmer. He licked his left hand, which was covered in BBQ sauce, his pupils dilated and he pointed at the wall. "Look! I see Moroni! He's got the golden plates in his hands!"

Jorus, who was wearing a flame shirt and had recently dyed his hair red, looked at the steps leading upstairs and a look of horror was frozen on his face. "Uh, morning Puckhed?" Puckhed descended the stairs, wearing only a smile.

"Mornin', Jor!" said Puckhed. The Poetry Club looked at Jorus' cousin in horror. Victoria threw up the Turkish coffee she had sponged-off of Jorus. "Oh, hi everybody!"

Tahiri was the first to break the silence. "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" hollered the brunette. "DON'T YOU THINK YOU CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE LAST MONTH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS KEEP ON-"

"Y'know," said Puckhed, "You look really purdy when you shout."

"Why, thank you." Said Tahiri, blushing.

"I've got a poem I wrote just last night." Said Puckhed. "It goes somethin' like this:

I met a little lady who was purdy darn fine,

I wanted to tell her how I felt, that she should be mine,

But then I stabbed the little darlin',

And fed her to a marlin.

I stabbed the lady with a knife,

And ended the little missy's life.

Then I sold my soul to E-Bay for lots of money,

Just 'cause I thought it was funny.

And who would have guessed that Cars went down as the greatest film in history?

To me, that's just a mystery."

Crickets chirped in the background. "Well, it's certainly better than that poem he made about the man named Enis." Said Samson.

"Yes, Puckhed," said Tahiri sarcastically. "That was a very wonderful poem. Now go put some clothes on."

Puckhed ran off to find some clothes. "Jorus?" asked Tahiri. "Could you please explain why your stupid cousin lives with us?"

"He's afraid that the Batboy from the supermarket tabloids and the guy on the oatmeal box are out to get him, he's paranoid that fast food restaurants are going to conquer the world and he thinks the ghosts of all US presidents who are dead are members of the Illuminati and are planning to take over North America. Plus he thinks this crazy old guy from a defunct TV show is trying to kill him because he became a Lutheran."

"Weird!" shouted everyone in the room.

Meanwhile outside, Wendell the wandering walrus had wandered into Shiloh and was starving. "So hungry. Muh-must eat food!" he wailed.

He wandered into a playground filled with small children. His stomach rumbled and a little rabbit girl bumped into him. "Sorry, mister. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"FOOD!" Wendell grabbed the rabbit and threw her into his mouth. "Muh-must eat MORE!"

At the Town Gate, Booker and Copper were playing multiplayer Halo and were fragging each other.

After Copper blew up Booker's character, he typed: "I pwned joo! IR L33T!"

Booker's character respawned. "Sif! IR L33T! I Th1nxzor…."

A scream distracted them from their game. "It sounds as if a citizen is imperiled!" cried Copper. "We, uh, must go then, I th1nxzor, I mean, I think…." Said Booker.

Wendell was ready to eat another child when a voice proclaimed, "Get your hands off that toddler, you vile fiend!" Wendell turned around and saw Copper and Booker standing nearby him.

The gate guards marched towards Wendell as the Superman March played in the background. That was when Wendell decided to jump on them.

"OH GOD!" screamed Copper. "WE'RE BEING CRUSHED BY A 2000-POUND WALRUS!"

"THIS COULD BE THE END!" screamed Booker.

Booker had blacked out and now stood in what looked like an ancient Greek temple. Standing before him was a bear dressed in a white robe. He looked like the crazy bear that destroyed Tom Nook's PTM machine a while back.

What was his name again? Snitches? Slithches?

"Stitches," said the bear. "How did you know what I was thinking?" asked Booker. "By achieving mastery of Crockerism before my death, I have become one with the Cosmic Pie and have all knowledge of the universe. Plus I get to make out with the Pie Fairy for all eternity."

"How are me and my partner going to get out from under this walrus?"

"Use the Pie, Booker, use the Pie."

"USE THE PIE!" cried Booker as he lifted Wendell off of himself and Copper. The walrus rolled away, Copper was amazed.

"How did you do that?"

"I 'used the Pie', I think…"

Booker heard the voice of Stitches in his head. If you wish to learn more of the Cosmic Pie, go to your local library. Or I could just visit you in a dream, but that's more trouble. Whatever I've got go, the Pie Fairy is calling!

Elmer sat in his house, licking his hand again. "Hm, it doesn't seem to be working- YOW!" His eyes widened and he spaced out.

He saw red and yellow spiraling in front of him while acid rock played in the background along with sitar music and he also swore he could see Jesus standing in front of him and then he saw green and blue patterns swirling while he approached Mars and prepared to be the first animal to set foot in Chicago while eating a Chicago stuffed pizza then he jumped off of the Eiffel Tower only to land in a moral cesspool where he could see the inglorious end of both the Democratic and Republican parties then he was captured by a bubble that carried him into the heavens where he found himself in the middle of a Star Wars space dogfight and just as he was going to be shot by the Death Star Mario saved him and carried him to a mountain and then Mario transformed into Freddy Krueger who looked like he was ready to kill Elmer until an anvil with all the sins of mankind ascribed upon it fell on his head and killed him and then Elmer felt so high he felt he could crack the Da Vinci Code and DO THAT TWISTED THING HE DOES AND WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH HIS MIND!

Then the hallucination and the extremely long paragraph ended.

"Dude," said Elmer.

"Arrrh! I tell ye!" complained Kapp'n into his cell phone. "'Tis not me year!" Kapp'n had pulled over on a highway due to the fact that a weasel had fallen from the sky and rudely decided to land on the hood of his car. "First me cab gets stolen 'n' smashed by that stupid bear, then I get pulled over 'cause me tum was so full of rum and now this scum-suckin' weasel falls on me cab!"

"We'll get you towed to a repair shop as soon as we can," said the guy on the phone.

Lyle pulled himself off of Kapp'n's cab and immediately ran over to him. Blood was coming out of his mouth and nose, but he didn't seem to notice or much less care. He pulled papers out of his briefcase and began harassing the cabbie. "Hey. You. Turtle. Want some insurance? Yeah. Sure you do. Come on. Sign. This paper."

"Insurance? Why would a road-farin' sailor like meself need insurance?"

"You know. Protection. Stuff like that."

Lyle spent the nest thirty minutes pestering Kapp'n until the salty turtle pulled a blunderbuss from inside his cab on the weasel. "Shut yer blowhole, captive! Ye be ridin' on the SS Kapp'n now!" Lyle dropped his briefcase and held up his hands. "Now, dance!" Lyle began to dance and Kapp'n pondered aloud, "Y'know, once I be gettin' back to civilization I think I'll make a play…"

He whipped out a bottle of rum from his coat pocket and poured it into his mouth. He wiped his mouth, flexed his right arm and the image of a barrel of rum appeared. "I'm stronger than ever 'cause I drinks me rum, I don't even care if it makes me dumb!"

Five hours later, the sun was setting and poor Lyle was still dancing at blunderbuss-point.

"Why. Are. You. Doing. This? Trying to make me mad? BUST MY CHOPS?"

"Nay, I just be a crazy ol' sea hag. Plus I forgot me Prozac in me other pants."

Yes, it was going to be a long night.

The next day, Jorus was wandering through Shiloh pulling weeds. He then came to the beach and heard steel drums playing and smelled the unquestionable aroma of pot and wet fur. Standing on outcropping near the ocean was Pascal, dressed in flood pants and a beige knit hat. He was staring out at the sea probably thinking the thoughts that lonely shoreman thought.

Jorus walked up to the philosophical otter and he turned around. "Living on the land, maaaann, it's not so bad. You know, kill a little here, drag your victims under the water, it's all good."

Jorus knew this guy could be weird, really weird. "Can I… can I give you some wisdom, maaaann?"

"Sure," said Jorus. "Enlighten me."

Pascal closed his eyes and then a lightbulb appeared above his head. He nodded as he spoke.

"You will go on a long journey, maaann. To the medicine chest, to get some Maalox after you get Montezuma's Revenge from eating too many burritos."

Pascal was getting ready to do his signature backflip when Jorus interrupted him. "Hey, isn't this the part where give me a cool souvenir?

"Oh yeah. Here you go, maaan!" He threw something at him and jumped into the water.

Jorus picked up the object, a T-shirt with 'I went to LA, almost got gunned down and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt' written on it. He rolled up the shirt, stuck it in his pockets and went home, pondering the bizarre thing Pascal had said.

As he was approaching his house, Jorus collapsed from intense pain in his stomach. "Oh no! It's Montezuma's Revenge!" he cried. "Oh crap," called a voice from the house's roof. Jorus looked up and saw Puckhed, who was now dressed in coveralls, standing on his roof holding a BB rifle. "Sorry cuz, I thought you were that darn oatmeal guy." Jorus pulled himself up and pulled the BB out of his abdomen, thankfully the BB hadn't penetrated his stomach. "Puckhed, why are you up there?"

"I wanted to climb up here so I could see the world…. Plus I grabbed my BB rifle 'cause it was the only way I could get rid of the Jehovah's Witnesses! So what's goin' on?"

"Nothing much," said Jorus. "I just went to the beach and met that weird otter Pascal!"

"Hey, speaking of weird," said Puckhed, "Have you heard this rumor about Goose?"

"No," said Jorus. "What's up?"

"Well, Victoria came by earlier today and told me what she saw. Apparently, Goose has been havin' an affair with Gladys' mop-friend Moppina for a few weeks!"

"Gladys is going to be heartbroken!" sobbed Jorus as sad, soap opera-ish music began to play. Just then, a record screeched in the background. "Wait a minute! How can he have an affair with a mop? That's insane!"

"I don't know," said Puckhed shrugging. "Try delvin' into the twisted mind of the author!"

"Oh, Moppina," moaned Goose. He sat on the floor of his house kissing and smelling the mop.

"You're so ripe with disinfectant, I could kiss you! You have such an attractive lemon-lime scent with a small hint of pine floor cleaner. Oh, let's run away, dear. Let's go far away from Gladys and then we can be married! Just image, us together, rooster and mop…"

"FOOOOOOD!" bellowed a voice outside. A giant blue walrus smashed through the walls of Goose's house with a starved look on his face.

"Suh-so hungry! Muh-must eat something!" Wendell, who had escaped from Copper and Booker the day before, was back and hungrier than ever. "AHHGHH!" Goose screamed and threw Moppina at Wendell. "Defend me, dear!" Wendell, who was tired of animal flesh, gladly ate the mop whole.

"NO! MY LOVELY MOPPINA!" cried Goose as he ran out of his house. Wendell lumbered out of the house only to feel a kick to the head. "THAT'S FOR KILLING MY BEST FRIEND, FATSO!" Gladys knocked Wendell down and began to beat the living crap out of him. After he was knocked out, Wendell was escorted to the Town Gate, where he was arrested. A trial was held the same day and Wendell was acquitted of manslaughter and third degree mopslaughter and returned to his life as a vagrant painter. Goose and Gladys put aside their grudges and cried tears of sorrow for Moppina, tears that would wash away the shame of men and would hopefully cancel 24 once and for all.

The next day, Jorus was watching his favorite game show, Triparody!

"The question for 10,000 Bells," began the host, "Is: What is the capital of Bahrain?"

A few seconds past and a fat guy bellowed: "MICHAEL JACKSON!"

A buzzer sounded and the audience sighed in disappointment. A few more seconds past and a woman answered: "Northern Ireland!" The buzzer sounded again.

"I swear," complained Jorus. "Where do they get these people? Everybody knows it's Manama!" Then for no apparent reason, he sensed a guy in Australia just got hit in the head with his own boomerang.

"This is insane!" Jorus screamed.

"Hey cuz, come quick!" shouted Puckhed as he ran into the house. "It looks like Tom Nook and Resetti are gettin' into a big fight!"

"Okay, I'll come, I've got nothing else better to do…"

Standing in front of Nookington's and the Able Sisters' was Nook and Resetti. Most of the town had gathered around to see what would happen.

"I'm telling you," said Tom. "I haven't been resetting! Where do you get these ideas from, hm?"

"Don't gimme that!" complained Resetti. "I know you've been resettin', Nook! Every time somebody resets, this microchip in my neck fries my brain and plays the theme song from The Office. THAT'S ENOUGH TO ANNOY ANYONE!"

"It's not me!" shouted Nook.

"You're gonna hafta learn the consequences for resetin', Nook! Here, if you're really tellin' the truth, write on this piece of paper 'RESETTI IS KEWL!' "

He tossed the raccoon a piece of paper. Nook wrote down what the mole wanted and gave it back to him.

"Yeah, uh-huh, I see…" thought the mole out loud as he studied the page. "HEY BUDDY! YOUR K LOOKS LIKE AN L!" He began waving his pickax around and shouting. "I'M TIRED OF FOOLIN' WITH YOU, NOOK! THAT DOES IT! I'M GONNA CRAWL UP YOUR BUTT, TUNNEL TO YOUR BRAIN, CUT IT INTO PIECES, DRY 'EM UP AND SELL 'EM AS LAXATIVES!"

Nook defiantly crossed his arms. "Just try me, big nose."

"WHO'RE CALLIN' BIG NOSE?"

Resetti jumped out of his hole and got ready to axe Nook when something smacked into him and made him fall to the ground. "WHO THREW THAT?"

"I be the one that threw that!" Everybody looked and saw Kapp'n standing near the lake. The object that Kapp'n threw was a briefcase, which lay next to the downed mole. "Hey," said Jorus. "Isn't that Lyle's briefcase?"

"'Aye, 'tis be Lyle's."

"Where is that loveable con man?" asked Tahiri.

"He be right here!" Kapp'n pulled something out of his pocket, a skull wearing square glasses. "Is that Lyle?" asked Gaston. "I can see the pits of hell!" Elmer blithered incoherently nearby.

"Um, yeah. It's me. Lyle," said the skull. "What you think. New look. Like it? Not? Too bad."

"It be Lyle," said Kapp'n. "Sure, I might've been eatin' off all his flesh and cuttin' his head off, but then I used Voodoo magic to bring his skull back to life!"

"This is getting so bizarre! Yes?" screamed Tom Nook.

Kapp'n pulled out his blunderbuss and threatened everyone. "Ye all be dancin' in me musical tonight! And if ye don't feel like dancin', ye'll be dancin' on the plank!"

That night, everyone in Shiloh performed Kapp'n's musical on a prop pirate ship. Everyone was forced to dress as pirates.

Up in the crow's nest, Timmy and Tommy sang, "Yo ho ho, we dance to and fro… fro!"

Everyone then sung, "Dance all ye men up above and down below!" "I can't stop dancin' on the ocean blue!" sang Jorus. "You'd better not stop dancin', 'cause Kapp'n might shoot you!" replied Copper.

Thirty minutes into the song, blaring fast-paced fiddle music came from the cargo hold accompanied by flutes. Jumping from the hold was Kapp'n, dressed like a pirate with his hands on his hips. "'Aye, ye be dancin' wrong, mateys! Ya dance like this!" He began to Riverdance and led them to do the same. Everyone looked screwy at each other, but danced anyway.

After three hours of dancing to Riverdance, Texas Two-step, Disco, Jitterbug, Heart-Attack Dance and Techno, the play finally broke up. Kapp'n sat in his taxi and shouted out to everyone, "Arhh! That was fun! See ye another time! Or feel the bite of me sharks!" he popped some Prozac into his mouth, fired a round from his gun out of the driver's window and drove off, laughing insanely.

"Hey. Kapp'n." said Lyle sitting in the passenger seat. "Where are we going?" "We be goin' wherever the antidepressant leads me.." responded Kapp'n, putting his hands behind his head.

"Uh. I think you should. Put your hands. Back on. The wheel."

" 'Nay, me wee skull, me cab be on auto-Kapp'n!"

The taxi smashed into a house. "So much for your Auto-Kapp'n."

" 'Aye."

AND THUS, THE INSANITY ENDS