Five Times Lee Regrets His Choice
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'That's the sound that a heart makes when a heart breaks ...'
He's thanking the gods right now - the gods he's not sure even exist. Dee is willing to forgive him and take him back and he can hardly believe it's true.
As their hands close around each other's and their foreheads touch he steals a glance down at the bar ... she's there ... with him. Their eyes meet and he sees - for the first time - the extent of her sorrow.
It hits him like an arrow through the heart.
She laughs loudly at something he says and he wonders if that's the sound of her heart breaking.
Or his.
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The smile has left your eyes ...'
Things were getting easier. Slowly, one small step at a time, but they were steadily improving. Their working relationship was nearly back where it once was ... before New Caprica. She even teased him on occasion, just like she used to.
They didn't hang out alone anymore ... that would have been too dangerous. They were both only too aware that solitude gave rise to the feelings they both kept long buried ... that needed to stay buried.
Sometimes they played triad with the other pilots, she sitting across from him at the table, just like they used to.
She plays to win as she always has, and usually does. She laughs as she clears the table ... yet again, and rakes her winnings in.
He hungers for her gaze ... her smile is the only prize he needs. But when their eyes meet all he sees is cold indifference and he knows this time it's truly too late. He's lost her.
For keeps.
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'In the middle of the night ...'
He comes to wakefulness slowly ... languidly ... feeling her body pressed against his. It is warm in contrast to the coolness of the air tickling his naked body.
"Mmm, Kara," he murmurs, feeling utter contentment like a sated, sleepy kitten.
He puts his arms around her ... and the illusion is broken. Her body isn't the soft, curvy one he'd expected to find, and her hair isn't the golden cloud of softness his fingers were now tangled in.
The only thing he can do is thank the gods - if they exist- that she's deeply asleep and didn't hear him call out another woman's name. Her name.
Again.
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'The winner takes it all ...'
He knows he should be happy. He's made the right decision ... the smart decision ...
He still loves Kara - and always will - but she has the ability to take his heart and cut it into little pieces, leaving him feeling like there's nothing left of him.
He knows that turning her away has hurt her more deeply than he intended to - both of them seem to be masters at hurting each other - but for once he has to look to his own interests first.
He knows that neither of them lose by his decision - he gets Dee, a faithful and loving wife, and she gets Sam, a faithful and loving husband ... win-win all around right?
So why is it when he looks in the mirror he only sees one thing ...
A loser.
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'Forgiven, not forgotten ...'
She's been gone three weeks now. Three weeks ... no one knows where she went, or if she's even alive still. It's like Caprica all over again ... and he swore to himself after that incident that he'd never lose her again without making sure she knew how he felt.
He's a shadow of his former self and he knows it. So does Dee. He can see the knowledge in her eyes every time they meet his.
She's competing with a ghost.
He wasn't sure he'd ever forgive her for what she did to him, despite their subsequent affair, but now that she's gone he realizes he had to forgive her - he still loves her and always will.
She may be gone from their lives forever now.
But she's not forgotten.
fin
Song credit:
"That's the sound that a heart makes when a heart breaks" - Rik Emmett
"The smile has left your eyes" - Asia
"In the middle of the night" - Triumph
"The winner takes it all" - Abba
"Forgiven, not forgotten" - The Corrs