"Say what you want. I look fabulous." Ling Tong smirked and fiddled with his new scarf. "Hey, hey, Ning, what do you think?"
Gan Ning frowned, still in a bathrobe because his design had not come out yet despite being an extremely popular character. "…I don't know… You look like the San Francisco gay clubbing scene got dumped into a 70's Disco club…"
"…Hey Ning, look, it unzips to my balls-"
"OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR NEW DESIGN," Gan Ning shouted and jumped on him to test the zipper.
Meanwhile, some people were less enthusiastic about the changes.
"I got more clothes. But I look like this. Is that sad or what?" Zhu Rong sighed.
"At least you're in the game," Fu Xi muttered.
"I remember a time when I could go outside on a windy day without freezing to death," Sun Shang-Xiang sighed sadly, her eyes shining with nostalgia.
"Derp," said Liu Chan.
"When I could run through brush and fire without coming out a double amputee…"
"Herp," said Liu Chan.
"Can't you even get the order right? It's herp then derp!" Xiao Qiao. "God, I wish I could actually do something that matters so I don't have to spend all afternoon looking at internet memes!"
"Well look on the bright side- now that your sister's back, you might get to do something. You know, since you're the Two Qiaos married to the young lords and obviously nothing on your own," Ding Feng snorted. "Reminds me of a poem-"
"Oh my God who's that? Why's there a Jamaican guy here?" Da Qiao screamed in terror.
"Oh, just because I have cornrows and bling all of a sudden I'm Jamaican? Do you have any idea how politically incorrect and racist that is-"
"If you're talking about politically incorrect and racist you have to mention me," Meng Huo said. "…I get the feeling I'm a parody of something…"
"A parody? A parody? Well that's better than never hitting puberty," Jiang Wei snapped.
"Look at the minority groups of South China! Do any of them dress like this? Any of them? No!" Meng Huo continued. "I'm willing to bet that some of them even dress better than the mainland population!"
"Be quiet- oh my God Gan Ning get off of Ling Tong!" Lu Meng cried, hurrying over to try to pull the humping men apart before suddenly being accosted by a random stranger.
"Ezio, where have you been, my wagon's been stuck for ages-"
"I'M NOT EZIO!"
Everyone sighed and discreetly turned away.
"Yeah, chakrams… Along with five billion other people. Don't I feel special. At least no one's going to call me a cheap ho anymore," Sun Shang-Xiang continued, not that anyone was listening anyways because as a woman any sentence not referring to her husband was clearly hot gas.
"Even with Zhou Yu's design, we have a situation on our hands," Sun Quan hissed to his sister.
"What?"
"Jin."
"What about them?"
"They're getting more prettyboys than us! And that's the only reason people play Wu!"
"But guy-wise, we're probably going to bare more navel than all the women in the game combined," Lu Xun said serenely. "I mean look at me. I'm jailbait-"
"And I am obviously a Lord of the Rings elf. Fangirls love that," Zhou Yu said serenely. "Sun Ce, did you not notice how well we match? We totally clash with our wives' designs so much any self-respecting graphic artist would gouge his eyes out with a tablet pen. But you and me next to each other look great." Smiling, he took Sun Ce's arms. "I'm glad they didn't change you that much. I can still feel your biceps-"
"OH MY GOD I GOT A WIMPLE!" Sima Yi screamed.
"Oh Jin. Well, it's the Knights of the Round table, and they need a lovely princess lady after all… I guess that's you, Sima Yi…"
"Then that means I get to be Merlin?" Guo Huai said curiously.
"In that dress? Definitely Morgan le Fey."
"I want to be the Green Knight," Wang Yuanji said.
"Sorry. Your eyes are smaller than your head. You can't be important."
"I hope I get to kill a lot of people," Cai Yan said. "I mean look at me. I am the only woman in this entire game who actually contributed something! I'm actually the only one recorded to be talented and influential. I'm actually the most important woman in this cast. I mean, look! Yue Ying's not actually real, Lady Wang isn't known for anything other than being a woman, the Qiao sisters were a political marriage and Da Qiao probably remarried, by the way. Oh, you can toss any conceptions of romance aside, and by the way we have no idea if they ever even had children… By the way, I should know something about remarrying, you know. Oh, Sun Shang-Xiang too… But certainly not post DW5, I mean."
"Why are you telling us this?" Ding Feng asked, rubbing his cornrows.
"Because I realized there are a lot of idiots out there who are extremely misinformed about women during our era," she replied smugly. "And I love destroying their fantasies one, by, one-"
"Okay, is this you or some sort of puppeteer talking?"
Cai Yan shrugged. "I don't know. But if you're an angry Chinese girl angry at stuff you're bound to love me. Who knows, perhaps someday we'll actually see women who mattered… Women who controlled state affairs, offered military advice, interceded on death penalties, or just killed people… Lady Wu, Sun Ce's unnamed aunt, Guo Nuwang, so many others. Instead we get some weird slut who never existed and- …Oh, am I ranting? Anyways, I hope that I am the start of women who were important-"
Sun Ce rolled his eyes. "Wait, you're saying we should have women who did stuff? Who the hell are you kidding?"
Cai Yan turned around furiously. "I am just saying that perhaps most of the female characters here are not even good choices-"
"Okay. Okay. Calm down, chickie. No one cares." Sun Ce grinned. "I mean, my own mother worked in Wu's government and military and kept Sun Quan under control so that he didn't alienate his most important allies, and my aunt gave me advice that led to victory, but you don't see her running around here! Come on! Who cares? As long as they can prance around in a bikini with a high squeaky voice why should any of us care that they either didn't exist or didn't even matter?"
"I hate you," Cai Yan said politely.
"Look, women are in this game for one reason: fans. Not Chinese history scholars because they're poor as shit anyways and can't afford the game. But really. Do you think that anyone out there actually cares about women who did important things? Oh, look, here's an answer, no!"
"I hate you so much," Cai Yan replied politely.
"I have two eyes!" Xiahou Dun screamed. "Is this a miracle? Is this the- oh. Damn," he muttered upon seeing that appearances could change across a game.
"Xiahou Dun you have a mohawk. Below that, nothing matters…. Oh, I look the same as always. Dangerous- …what the hell did I get Liu Bei's haircut?" Cao Cao exclaimed, fingering his long dangling bangs. "They gave me his old haircut? SOMEONE SHALL PERISH FOR THIS."
"Did no one notice that I am probably missing a nipple?" Zhang He asked breezily.
Everyone stared.
Zhang He motioned to his chest. "I have a stupendous outfit. I have makeup, beauty, and I think I might have gotten Zhen Ji's old face mold… But I'm missing something important. In an anatomically correct male, I think a certain something would show… But apparently Koei does not like-"
"MINE ARE MISSING TOO!" Dian Wei suddenly screamed, reaching for his chest. "Oh my God my nipples are gone!"
"After Dynasty Warriors 5 Gan Ning's bare chest sent fangirls (and Ling Tong) into a raving hothouse fever of orgasms, Koei has decided to remove nipples from the game," Zhuge Liang announced. "However, to compensate for it, Koei shall also remove pants from randomly designated characters. Oh. And we shall also have armpits in this game."
"It's b-breezy in h-here," Deng Ai muttered.
"And other characters got their pre-DW6 designs back. Mostly, at least," Zhuge Liang continued. "Ma Chao, Huang Zhong, I'm talking mainly to you two because you're the best examples of having a bipolar schizophrenic design time. I mean… They apparently thought that making some characters really modern and some characters really traditional would equal a perfect balance?"
"Yeah, why's there a bunch of random white Templar knights here anyways?"
"That's Jin."
"Oh great, they're having Europeans here now."
"No, they're not European, they're just really, really white- I mean moreso than bright blonde Gan Ning even-"
"I don't mind the European, but isn't it said that I have to be in a bikini and have a hideously high-pitched voice actor just to matter?" Bao asked.
"Is someone talking?" Taishi Ci asked.
"I wouldn't know. Your helmet is just too big I can't pay attention to anything else," Sun Ce said. "I don't think so."
"Hey! I'm right here!"
"Ooo Ning, that's good!"
"Gan Ning, Ling Tong, stop- Oh not you too Altair!"
"Oh my God it's like I don't even exist!" Bao cried in despair.
"Tee-hee, look, I'm so happy! Xiao Qiao exclaimed.
Everyone looked and covered their eyes.
"Oh thank God, I needed a barf bag! Flying to Istanbul to get my armor was just too much!" Zhuge Dan exclaimed, running over to the supposed barf bag.
Everyone looked away as Xiao Qiao screamed.
"Can't we just go over to some big discussion board or a forum to sort this out?" Yue Ying sighed. "…And… Can I you know, have a last name this time?"
"What's the point of posting about it? I mean it's just a bunch of ego-boosting for a random kid to go 'oh look, I have an opinion and boy is it legit,' and for everyone else to not read the post. Rather, let's talk about it in a fanfic so that people might be fooled into barely skimming it over," Zhuge Liang said sagely. "And you don't need a last name. You're a woman."
I love gratuitous mental vomit. If you're reading this I sure hope that you skimmed, because even I wouldn't read this whole thing.