Story: When Everything Changed
Summary: Something inside begins to protest her actions causing Bellatrix to question herself and those around her. How will her world as she knows it be affected? BL/HG
Rated: M
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything. I am merely borrowing the characters to play my own little game with them.
A/N 1: Italics are a flashback. Also ** before a new paragraph after a break indicates a scene change. While xx means skipping further into that scene. I just wanted to clarify. Please let me know if these symbols aren't showing up.
A/N 2: Though I have edited this more than once I am sure there are still mistakes. This is unbetaed and all mistakes are mine.
A/N 3: Not the original. Revised and Reposted.
_
Bellatrix's POV
In the beginning the Dark Lord needed to recruit a devoted servant; a person who was lacking emotion. There could not be anything that would cause them to back down. When I left Hogwarts a little less naive, but still eager, I joined his ranks just as my family before me.
I was his most loyal servant; until that night. That night was the beginning of the end.
**
I attempted to look up at the sky but was overwhelmed by a sense of foreboding as the mist engulfed me and bit at my skin.
Rushing to keep up with Narcissa I kept telling her to come back. Not to do what she was so hell bent on doing. If the Dark Lord found out he would be furious. He was already highly disappointed with her family.
Out of loyalty for my Master I followed her. Not out of love for my sister. Never. It had been a long time, too long, since I felt anything worth feeling. She must obey him. His word was law.
Finding myself inside the house of a hook nosed, greasy haired main my disdain for him increased.
Severus Snape.
Fellow Death Eater.
Spy.
I was bewildered to why Cissy would take such great lengths to disobey the Dark Lord. I kept reminding her she should be proud.
When I came to Snape I believed that the Dark Lord must be mistaken. Somehow he was wrong about this man. Dumbledore's man. And I let Snape know of my distrust as it laced my every word.
I could read nothing in those hard, dark eyes creating a sensation of unease in the pit of my stomach, and fueling my suspicions.
When I stood over them as they made an Unbreakable Vow it happened.
Snape sneered up at me, challenging me to question his faith now. He could, no doubt, see the disbelief in my expression. However, my reaction was not due to his actions instead to something within myself. My heart had stirred. With a fracture to the icy organ I had felt the impossible: a hint of sympathy.
**
I continued to carry on with my heartless deeds. Going from being a sadist to caring. I have yet to discover what happened that night.
I continued to pretend that nothing inside of me was changing. When my nephew came home on vacations he was acquiring a gray tinge to his features and losing; though the stress was getting to him he remained proud of the orders he was given. He held his head high, and he tried. I continued to remind him that he had been given the chance to prove himself and that he could not fail.
Stories of how easy killing was fell from my lips; my words were coated in the excitement of pain etched into innocent faces. I assured him his first kill would leave him craving more.
However, I wasn't certain that was the case anymore. Something had touched me, and I was untouchable by all that was good. Or at least that is what I thought. Suddenly the pain I lived to cause disgusted me. The thought of it caused my stomach to turn, my skin to burn in guilt, and a lump within my throat.
Still I denied it. Bellatrix Lestrange did possess emotions. Then the night came that erased any inkling of doubt I had about my morphing feelings.
**
"What is this? What has happened Cissy?" I asked as I glided into the room while putting on an air of chilling confidence. "But surely this is the Mudblood girl?" The word was bitter and filthy as it left my mouth. The vile that I was starting to hate. My belief in blood status was diminishing when it came to the young. The defenseless. I could not control the change. It had taken possession of me and I had to do as it said. Just as the Dark Lord had done to me years ago. He made me change. He made me hate. Torture. Enjoy and believe. "This is Granger?"
Nobody knew what was happening. Even if they suspected something I refused to allow them to question me.
I could see the horror and loathing in those chocolaty depths. I wanted it to stop, but it wouldn't. Not now that Bellatrix Lestrange had entered the room.
The looks that used to make me laugh, that gave me a sense of power, now caused ice to seep into my bones.
The monster inside of me that used to feed off the emotions in her eyes rose halfheartedly.
As the conversation continued I joined in when my heartless opinion was needed to fill the void. I let out hollow laughs when they were appropriate, but inside I was banging against the bars of my cage. I longed to take the girl away from the evil that weighed down the air surrounding us. But I couldn't. I was fighting a battle that only I knew about; between what I had known for so long, and what was suddenly making itself present. And the person I used to be couldn't hold her ground.
It was necessary I continued to remain loyal to my Master. I needed people to believe I was still trust worthy. It was a matter of my survival. However, it was even more important that I maintained the security of the darkness that I had lived in for so long. I would rather be murdered by the Dark Lord than feel the weight of my actions. My heart would not listen to my pleas as everyday more of me slipped away into nothingness. Everything I was no longer held meaning.
"Wait," I let my tone roll out as sharp and commanding. The person they knew, I knew, was still in the room. Somewhere. "All except…except for the Mudblood." I forced the last word out in order to remain convincing. They could not know that I cared. Lucius Malfoy would like nothing more than to turn me in to the Dark Lord as a traitor.
The others turn their backs to me; assured I would do my job. I was the one who tortured, because I was the only one that didn't suffer from that pesky thing referred to as guilt.
Fear flooded those young eyes and hints of anticipation danced across her features. Right away I knew she had felt pain, but not the kind of pain she was about to experience. For once I didn't want to be the one to create that first memory. "Where did you get this sword?" My voice was sharp as it carried throughout the room.
"We found it," she replied. Her tone was laced with venom and defiance, but I could see the tears in her eyes.
"Liar! Crucio!" For the first time I was afraid to cast this Unforgivable Curse. Yet, it was second nature as the stream of red shot out of my wand and hit her chest. She screamed when the magic touched her. I could feel my eyes widen as her she stopped screaming and looked up at me with disbelief. The spell hadn't affected her. I began to breathe again; I hadn't realized I had stopped doing so.
Glancing at the others I ascertained that they were too busy with their conversation to watch me torture Granger. Wordlessly I sent the curse at her again. I watched her tense, but before it even hit her I knew it would have the same affect. She let out a muffled scream while her eyes remained locked with mine. I nodded at her and understanding flashed through her eyes, but was quickly replaced by bewilderment.
"I will ask you again. Where did you get the sword?" I raised my voice even more as I called upon my previous self to make my actions believable.
I began to worry that she wouldn't play along. That Granger would give me away to gain her and her friends an escape. My concerns were eased as she sent me a wink before putting on a pain filled mask. "We found it-we found it-PLEASE!"
"You are lying, filthy Mudblood, and I know it! You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell me the truth, tell the truth!" With a regretful flick of my wand she screamed on cue. "What else did you take? What else have you got? Tell me the truth or I shall run you through with this knife!"
Moving closer to her I gazed into her eyes as I ran the steel across her skin watching for signs that I was applying too much pressure; I only wanted to apply enough to make blood trickle. I attempted to comfort her with light touches. For the first time I could feel eyes on my back. She glanced over my shoulder and then began to scream. I gave her a grateful squeeze.
I could hear the Weasley boy yelling for Granger downstairs and I pitied him. Pity!
"What else did you take, what else? ANSWER ME! CRUCIO!" I barely wanted to anymore. When I first learned of our guests in the manor part of me had still wanted to inflict pain. I believed I could still enjoy it. But my eyes landed on the innocent, scared girl waiting to be brought within an inch of life, and I knew that whatever battle I had been waging inside myself, I had momentarily lost.
I struggled to remain convincing as I kept up the interrogation. I felt relieved when I had a reason to shift my attention from the girl.
They brought me the Goblin as I requested and now all eyes were on us. Waiting for answers. Waiting to see if they were about to suffer for something that mostly likely had been set into motion long before it was discovered. I felt less with the creature, but I still felt. I shouldn't have. I should have been cold and indifferent. More than that since I spent fourteen years in Azkaban.
Suddenly there came a loud crack from the cellar. Apparition. No wizard could do that without a wand. Therefore, it must have been a magical creature. Everyone except me strained their ears for more noise. Finally they decided to send Wormtail down to check on the prisoners.
The goblin reassured us the sword was a fake. I could have cared less, but acted as if it was a great relief.
I knew what was next. I had to do it. "And now," I said struggling to sound pleased. "We call the Dark Lord."
His presence was no longer welcomed in this house. He was destroying my sister's family. He was commanding me to do things my weakened heart could no longer deal with. Still I called him. Telling myself that this feeling thing was temporary and soon enough I would be back to my insane, heartless self. Once again I would be the Dark Lord's most loyal servant, which, was all that I wanted.
Painfully my next words came out. "And I think we can disperse of the Mudblood. Greyback, take her if you want her." I caught sight of Granger. Paralyzed with fear. Trapped by the ropes connected to my wand. I could see the ease I had created be replaced by the realization that I would not save her; that saving her was never my intention. I wanted her to know I would not let it happen, could not let it happen, but I had no way of communicating without her without people noticing.
Thankfully the Weasley boy charged into the room providing a distraction. Saving me from acting upon something I didn't believe in.
Or did I?
In the confusion that followed Potter and Weasely's entrance I lost my wand. That was my last concern. I grabbed the Granger and when I was certain nobody was looking I whispered in her ear. "Close your eyes and pretend to be unconscious."
"Why?" Her voice was raspy. "Why should I believe you after you almost fed me to Greyback?"
"Just do it before I change my mind." Reluctantly but quickly she followed my instructions.
As I held the knife to her throat I felt myself shaking. I should have been confident and furious. I propped Granger up with my leg and yelled, "STOP OR SHE DIES!" The commotion came to a halt. I decided there and then that I was going to allow these kids to escape. No matter the repercussions. If I had to lead them out of the house myself I would.
In that moment all that mattered was their safety; even if I had to return them to the cellar they would be safe. This would give me time to persuade that Dark Lord that we were wrong. I would examine the reason behind my actions later. "Drop your wands," I whispered to hold their attention. "Drop them or we'll see exactly how filthy her blood is!" I subtly gave her arm a squeeze. "I said drop them!"
And they did.
Putting on a maniac smile I said, "Good. Draco, pick them up! The Dark Lord is coming Harry Potter! Your death approaches." I was already searching for a way to mess up Potter's face again so that I could 'regretfully' tell my master we were uncertain of the boy's identity, and the wand did not match the description he had given us.
I could sense a new presence in the room as I told Cissy to tie the teenage boys up. A crunching noise came from above me. Looking up the chandelier had come unhooked from the ceiling. I let out a scream and dived out of the way trying to take the Granger with me.
The chandelier had already smashed down on top of her before I realized what she had done. She had remained beneath the chandelier to create the effect of me pushing her away.
To save me?
I moved closer to the shadows as Granger and Weasley disappeared. I spoke when appropriate, but I was not paying attention to what was leaving my lips. Trusting my brain to create the waste it had been for years. I was too busy trying to grasp the fact that I had just assisted in the escape of the Golden Trio: our number one enemies.
When it was Potter's turn to escape I felt I could no longer stand back. Realizing I still had the knife in my hand I threw it in his general direction. I hit Dobby, but Potter escaped.
I knew the punishment would be worth it. Because I deserved it.
Still my brain reminded me that seven innocent people just escaped a horrible fate.
**
I knocked and waited as relief washed over me that the anonymous message had worked. Worry instantly replaced my relief. What if I changed back as quickly as the initial change? Would I regret coming here? Would I even be given a moment to speak once my identity was revealed? I assured myself I would because of who I was visiting. It had been a while since I walked down those halls and stood in front of that particular door. I imagined it would look different. I have recently realized things constantly change. Yet, everything appeared to be the same: at Hogwarts.
When the door opened I pushed past her. Holding my cloak tightly not to revel myself until I chose to. My hood shadowed my face and I knew she could not decipher who it was as she peered directly into my eyes without knowing.
I needed help. I could no longer live on the dark side for reasons I could not comprehend. Not after that girl. Not after Draco. Not after that night.
She closed the door, and I stared at her from beneath the darkness. Her face was brave and stoic.
She had a presence that demanded silence and control. How thrilled would she be to know that I had at first copied and then transformed that demeanor into one of my own? Causing me to rise in the ranks of the Death Eaters. Gaining me respect. How proud would she be?
It had crushed me to know that she wouldn't be. There was no way she could be.
I removed my cloak and strolled across the room draping it on the chair behind her desk. As I had known, horror spread across her face. However, when she spoke her voice radiated with the confidence and control I remembered. "Mrs. Lestrange."
"Professor McGonagall." I turned my back to her to put her at ease. To allow her to feel in control. I wanted someone else to be in control for once. I could no longer handle the position.
I tried to catch a glimpse of what was going on behind the blackness of the windows. Instead I was forced face what I did not want to: my own reflection.
My appearance repulsed me. I was different but not in a good way. Azkaban had changed me. Life had changed me. However, there was a hint of warmth in my cold eyes that had escaped them so long ago. It was gone before I had even set foot in this building my first year. I turned around to face Professor McGonagall and discovered her wand was out and pointed straight at my heart. For a moment fear stirred within me, because the most powerful witch of the wizarding world had her wand aimed at my chest. However, instead of backing away I chuckled. To my ears it was a bitter sound.
I placed my borrowed wand on the desk and moved toward her. Professor McGonagall's eyes never left me as I circled her before stopping in front of her. Slowly I placed my hand on hers and lowered her wand. "I'm not here to hurt you."
"I don't believe that."
"You need to."
She clenched her jaw, "You need to leave my office before certain people are informed of your whereabouts."
"No." My hand tightened around hers. Our faces were inches apart as I attempted to convey why I was there through my eyes. Praying she would be able to see it. "I need you to remember, Professor."
Professor McGonagall squared her shoulders, "There is not a single day I have forgotten. However, that changes nothing and you need to leave."
"You have to listen to me."
"Get. Out."
"Listen to me!" My other hand wrapped around her wrist and I pulled her closer to me. "I have information for you. You need me."
"I certainly do not need you, Madame Lestrange."
"Bellatrix. Call me Bellatrix." My eyes fled from hers and wandered the room. I took a deep breath, "You might believe you don't need me, but I need you." My eyes found her widened ones again. "I need you," I repeated in a whisper. Dropping her wrist I backed away. "But obviously that no longer means anything to you. So I will go."
"Don't." Her hand on my arm caused me to flinch and she withdrew. "Against my better judgment I want to know what you have to say." I nodded. "However, before you begin let us move into my living quarters. It is rather chilly out here."
She motioned for me to sit, but I waited until she was perched on the edge of the couch before I decided to sit on the table in front of it.
I noticed her glance at her wand and then reluctantly to a spot on the table beside to me. "Keep it close. I understand." She raised an eyebrow and nodded at me, her shoulders slouched: just barely, but I saw it.
I surveyed my previous Professor in her tartan night gown. Her hair was grayer than I remembered and life was starting to leave lines on her face. "I know what I have to say will sound ridiculous, but I promise I am being honest." I felt like a teenager again as her eyes searched me.
Even with the fire roaring and the faint smell of parchment hanging in the air I felt unsettled. Shifting I forced myself to meet Professor McGonagall's wary eyes.
"I have done horrible things to many people; including you, and for that I am sorry. I didn't deserve your kindness. I don't deserve the time you are giving me now but I appreciate it. The reason I came to you tonight is," I lowered my voice to a whisper, "I do not think I can continue serving the Dark Lord. In exchange for your help I have information for you regarding Harry Potter and the Dark Lord."
"What exactly is it that you want from me?"
"A way out." Silence descended upon us. It was heavy: filled with unanswered questions and memories.
"Why have you come to me? Why should I help you?"
I knew this would not be easy, but I was taken aback by the fact that she even had to ask those questions. "This must seem like a crazy plan to get closer to the Order to you."
"I have to admit, it's rather odd." I felt a smile tug at the corners of my lips. I almost missed how something in Professor McGonagall's eyes shift.
Leaning in closer to her I grabbed her hand. She glanced down at my hand over hers, but did not pull away. I took comfort in the fact that if Professor McGonagall had wanted to kill me she would have already, as I formed the words that need to come out in my mind. "I'm not Bellatrix Lestrange anymore. Not the one that has terrorized this world for almost 30 years. I wish I still was, but I'm not. My word does not mean much, and not many people would testify to my good deeds. There is one person… I need you to believe me. Please." I can fell decades' worth of unshed tears welling in my eyes due to the fact that I might have lost the one person I ever cared about: and there was nobody to blame but myself.
"Bellatrix, please look at me." She squeezed my hand giving me the courage to face her with tears in my eyes. "Why did you come to me?"
"You are in the Order." I stared into her eyes not wanting to acknowledge what I needed to say. I could tell she was waiting for more of an explanation. "I respect you." The corners of her lips twitched.
"I know that's not all."
"I had hoped you would remember who I used to be."
"You said there is already someone who would testify to the change in your behavior." I nodded as I continued to fight back the tears building in my eyes. I was having a hard time breathing around the lump in my throat. I could sense that Professor McGonagall knew what was going on inside of me, but chose to remain silent. Yet, I could feel her support and I tightened my grip on her hand as the first tears began to fall.
"Hermione Granger."
The expression on her face changed immediately. "Hermione! Is she all right? What happened?"
I told her everything about the events of the night three days before. Absolutely everything: the battle that was going through my mind, how I tried to help the teenagers without being detected. By the time I had finished I was up and standing in front of the fire. Tears streamed down my face as I forced my shoulders to remain steady and my sobs silent.
I could sense her presence behind me. She placed her hand on my arm and I quickly wiped the tears from my face, but it was pointless because they instantly returned. "Bella, look at me." My heart jumped at her words. I followed her request.
As her finger grazed my cheek I flinched. "I'm not going to hurt you." Her fingers were warm as she caught my tears. My eyes locked with hers as I allowed her to search them to find what she was looking for. "I'm not going to hurt you," she repeated. "And I know you will not hurt me. What can I do to help you?"
I leaned into her touch and smiled. Not the meaningless smile I was accustomed to, but a genuine smile.
**
Battling the two teenage girls was a simple task. I had cornered the young Weasley girl when her friend jumped in. Granger joining us wasn't part of the plan, and though the girls put up a good fight I did not have to use much energy to ensure my safety. This wouldn't have been the case if Granger was putting her all into the duel because she was exceptionally skilled witch.
I fought the urge to tell Granger what was going on as her ever-changing brown eyes focused solely on me. Silently I could here he constant question. She wanted to know why I was doing this. And I wanted her to know.
I examined their every move closely looking for a place to use the killing curse. When I cast the spell I aimed it past the red headed girl's shoulder.
The shrieks of her mother were right on cue. "NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH! OUT OF MY WAY!"
We both acted as if we were dueling to kill. The heat of our harmless spells caused the floor to crackle beneath us.
Molly sent a spell at me. A green light aimed just at the right place. I moved my arm slightly and allowed it to hit me. The spell suspended me in the air before dropping me to the ground.
That is how I now find myself with a new beginning. On the floor pretending to be dead as Harry Potter conquers the Dark Lord.