The Get Arthur Laid Agency
A/N: Yet another oneshot... or perhaps not. Perhaps I will add more chapters to this as demand and inspiration strikes me. Either way, I do hope you enjoy this story told in e-mails. If you have any trouble with identifying who is who based on humans names, then just let me know in a review or PM. I tried my best to pick common names from their countries, but even then, it can be ambiguous!
Summary: "I must say, though, that the new lawyer, Jones, has done some good. It would seem that Arthur is paying quite a bit of attention to that delectable little ass." "Dude, are you saying that we replace that un-awesome stick with someone's awesome dick?" "I hereby declare us The Get Arthur Laid Agency! Let's move!" A story in e-mail.
Pairings: USUK alongside other side-pairings.
Warnings: Lovino's mouth, innuendos, UST, just downright talking about sex
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: AHEM
Date: October 11, 2013 9:57 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Mr. Bonnefoy,
Would you like to give me a reason as to why there is an idiotic, loud, obnoxious, and stupidly tall blonde man standing outside my office? If he is a new hire, it is your job to direct him to his proper office, not mine. I would very much appreciate it if you would kindly stop sending people up to my office whenever you're too busy molesting some poor client in the nearest storage room closet to bother actually doing your job!
Also, I hope that you ordered those supplies that I asked you to get a month ago. I'm getting tired of our staff handing me reports that are un-stapled! It makes a terrible mess on my desk, not to mention the fact that with all of these loose papers everywhere, there is no room for me to place down my teacup in the morning.
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Subject: RE: AHEM
Date: October 11, 2013 9:59 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Ohonhonhon, Angleterre! Don't you know? That is our firm's new lawyer, Alfred Jones! He is quite delicious looking, no? His ass is so nice, it makes me just want to grab it every day of the week...
But I digress. You will get your ridiculous office supplies soon. That is, about as soon as I am done ordering some nice razors for you. After all, we cannot have you speaking to Mr. Jones with those hideous caterpillars on your face, non?
Bons baisers,
Francis
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: RE: AHEM
Date: October 11, 2013 10:02 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
You stupid frog,
My eyebrows are perfectly normal! You're just jealous because Uni likes my eyebrows and not yours! Besides, at least all of my eyebrow hair didn't go to my head! Who wants those bloody tresses anyways? They make you look like a woman, honestly!
Eat shit,
Arthur
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Subject: About that stick up Eyebrows' ass...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:11 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
My friends,
I am afraid to say that our poor little Arthur is even more pissy than normal. He attacked my hair today, you two! My hair! No man dared to covet my hair so much that they would fly into an angry rage over its beauty before! It truly wounded me, the way his jealousy seeped from his very core. If it were not for the fact that I feared the effect smoke would have on my beautiful skin, I would go and see if his eyebrows were on fire.
I must say, though, that the new lawyer, Jones, has done some good. It would seem that Arthur is paying quite a bit of attention to that delectable little ass. Did you see him in the employee lounge today, talking with Matthieu? The way our little Angleterre's eyes burned with jealousy as he watched nearly made my heart burst with sympathy for him.
So I propose a plan, my dear friends. It is a truly brilliant one that only one of my beauty will ever come up with. You see, the plan is very simple. Using every resource we have at our disposal, we replace the stick up Angleterre's ass with something much more satisfying!
Bons baisers,
Francis
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: About that stick up Eyebrows' ass...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:13 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Dude,
Are you saying that we replace that un-awesome stick with someone's awesome dick?
The Awesome Me
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Subject: RE: RE: About that stick up Eyebrows' ass...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:15 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
But of course! How else would we get the stick out of his sweet little ass?
Bons baisers,
Francis
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: About that stick up Eyebrows' ass...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:17 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Ooh! What a great idea, amigo!
How about we get Elizabeta to help us? She is an expert on match-making! After all, she helped myself and Lovi get together. She can surely get Jones and Kirkland together, easily. It would be nice if there is someone to keep Arthur busy, so that he doesn't keep challenging me to play Battleship with him!
Con carino,
Toni
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: About that stick up Eyebrows' ass...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:19 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo),Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Gilbert, mon ami, that is your area. I am afraid that I have hit on Elizabeta one too many times. Roderich is always on the watch nowadays, and I would love for him to not completely screw over the company's finances again.
Bons baisers,
Francis
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: A favor
Date: October 11, 2013 10:21 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
The awesome me needs to ask you a favor, Lizzie.
See, there's this new guy at the company and Artie's got the hots for him. He keeps on denying it and shit, though, so that's where you come in. We need to get that un-awesome stick out of the guy's ass, so mind doing your matching stuff? You won't regret it, I promise.
The Awesome Me
From: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Subject: Hey dudes!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:22 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland), Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang), Hetalia Inc./Management/north_europe_lion (Berwald Oxenstierna), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/princess_waffles (Emma Peeters), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/marry_me_brother (Naytala Arlovskya), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/mochi_master (Eduard von Bock), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/eyebrow_curse (Li Xiao Chun), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Finances/piano_man (Roderich Edelstein), Hetalia Inc./Finances/blimey_koalas (Jett Irwin), Hetalia Inc./Finances/neutral_4ever (Vash Zwingli), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/wheres_my_mummy (Gupta Muhammad Hassan), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/my_stomach_hurts (Toris Laurinaitis), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/trollpal (Lukas Bondevik), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/notavamp (Vlad Dracul), Hetalia Inc./Production/become_one (Ivan Braginski), Hetalia Inc./Production/napping_cat (Herakles Karpusi), Hetalia Inc./Production/king_of_scandinavia (Bertram Densen), Hetalia Inc./Production/sweet_rose (Xiao Mei), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pact_of_steel (Tino Väinämöinen), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Operations/totally_fab (Feliks Łukasiewicz), Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo), Hetalia Inc./Operations/masked_marauder (Sadik Adnan), Hetalia Inc./Intern/i_am_a_man (Peter Kirkland), Hetalia Inc./Intern/flowering_beauty (Michelle Sechelle), Hetalia Inc./Intern/hidden_genius (Raivis Galante), Hetalia Inc./Intern/brother_knows_best (Erika Banzer), Hetalia Inc./Security/land_of_tulips (Abel Van Roy), Hetalia Inc./Security/captain_puffin (Emil Steilsson), Hetalia Inc./Security/robocop_rulez (Diem-Trang Truong), Hetalia Inc./Research/back_pains211 (Katsuya Braginski), Hetalia Inc./Research/eat_my_cigar (Carlos Machado), Hetalia Inc./Administration/roma_vargas (Roma Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Administration/alexander_braun (Alexander Braun)
Hey dudes!
I just wanted to let you all know what a big honor it is being hired to work for your company! It's totally cool! And all of you guys seem to be really nice people.
Anyways, so hi. I'm Alfred F. Jones, your new lawyer. I'm here to make sure that none of you guys are selling your bodies or anything behind your bosses' back, or else you'll all be in big trouble and I'll have to do boring paperwork to get you guys out of that mess. XP See that smiley? It's a tongue sticking out!
I like hamburgers and comic books and superheroes and shakes. I also like listening to just about any music, except classical music. That's so boring! D: The last time I listened to classical music, I fell asleep while driving. Don't worry, the guy and I both made it out alive. Not so much for my car, though. :P
So yeah, I really look forward to meeting you guys! I already met like, three of ya! Shout out to Francis and that one guy at the coffee station! And especially to my good pal, Arthur! Artie, you're the best and your eyebrows are awesome. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, that accent is awesome.
From,
THE HERO!
PS. Is it me, or is half the world working here? Seriously, I'm like 99.99999999999% sure that there is at least one person from every country working here. How do you guys do it? Is our boss like some kind of really creepy dude who collects us like dolls and plans to one day turn us into his own private clothes hangers!? I don't wanna be a clothes hanger, man! D:
PPS. I didn't forget anyone in my email, did I?
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: RE: A favor
Date: October 11, 2013 10:24 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
OMG!
Did you see that email he sent out!? And the way he called Arthur out on it, too! Of course I will assist you in getting him together with Jones! It will provide me with excellent pictures and will make the office so much more lively!
Of course, my services don't come without a price.
You know what I want.
Liz
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Subject: ?
Date: October 11, 2013 10:26 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Production/napping_cat (Herakles Karpusi)
Umm...
What's this welcome email I keep hearing everyone talk about?
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: RE: A favor
Date: October 11, 2013 10:26 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Attached: Youbitch
There. There's the pic of me and Mattie on our last date.
We expect results soon! And don't you show it to anyone! We can't have my awesome reputation going down the drain, you know!
The Awesome Me
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: A favor
Date: October 11, 2013 10:28 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Don't worry, Gil. You will definitely get your results. With luck, it will be today!
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: Let's get moving!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:29 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boonies (Im Yong Soo), Hetalia Inc./Intern/flowering_beauty (Michelle Sechelle)
Attached: DATASS, DOSEBERRIES
Guys,
We have another mission on our hands. We will need everything we got, because Arthur's way too tsundere. I already have absolute proof that Jones is a potential cure to Arthur's lack of getting laid. (see attached)
Feli, you're cooking today, right? Make sure you serve a boatload of bananas and sausages alongside the pasta. And scrap the macarons for dessert, serve popsicles instead. I have good evidence that the American can't resist cherry popsicles. Don't know why he'd want to fill his hot body with those (they'll get rid of his six-pack, which he no doubt has!), but we can work that to our advantage.
Im, you'll need to set the thermostat to hot, and I mean hot. Alfred looks like the type to start unbuttoning when it gets too much. Let's let Arthur drool over those delectable abs in addition to that butt. Also, make sure that nothing goes wrong in either of their offices for today. We don't want the two of them moving offices if something goes wrong. If you are a good assistant, I will send those pictures of Yao I took at the beach party. Yes, the one you missed because Yao gave you the wrong date to it.
Michelle, I will need you to act as the jealousy activator. Do everything you can to get Arthur riled up. Jones is already known to eat strawberries like there's no tomorrow. (see second attached) Why not unbutton your blouse a bit, lean over his desk, and offer him more berries? Make sure it is in full view of Kirkland. Don't worry about getting fired or anything; I have Human Resources under my thumb.
Kiku, your job is the most important. I need you to start talking to the both of them. I know for a fact that you're close friends with Arthur and have already made friends with Alfred. Make sure you drop hints! I don't think Jones needs anymore encouragement. I mean, he was eating STRAWBERRIES for pete's sake! It's Arthur that needs a little bit more of a push. Do this in the name of yaoi hotness!
I hereby declare us The Get Arthur Laid Agency! Let's move!
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Subject: Umm...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:32 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas)
What is this email from our new firm lawyer that everyone keeps talking about?
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:32 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Do you think I have clearance to fire an intern for indecent behavior with our lawyer?
Regards,
Arthur
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Subject: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:32 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Arthur-san,
I do not believe you are cleared for firing. After all, as far as I am aware, she was merely offering Alfred-san more strawberries.
Okarada o taisetsu ni.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:35 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Did merely offering him strawberries truly amount to leaning over his desk, with her blouse slightly un-buttoned, giving him a look that would rival Francis' expressions!?
No, I think not!
I firmly believe that our lawyer should keep in contact with strictly those who are of his gender while on the job. It will keep him from being overly distracted by work. Besides, I heard Roma was going to implement a no dating rule anyways. I have to say that I agree with him. There is nothing worse for a company than a company full of intimate relationships that, once ended, will upset the balance of the company.
Regards,
Arthur
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:37 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Arthur-san,
I wish to respectfully point out that if this dating rule were to be implemented, you would be unable to ask Alfred-san out for drinks.
Okarada o taisetsu ni.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:39 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Why in all the bloody world would I ever ask Alfred out for drinks? He's not my type at all! He is too obnoxious, idiotic, loud, crass, rude, and all around disgusting. I saw him consuming hamburgers just now, and it's not even time for lunch! No, I have zero intention of asking him out for drinks, and even if I did, he obviously does not swing this way. I have seen him flirting with the women in office.
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:40 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Arthur-san,
Do you mean to say that you saw Alfred-san speaking with Diem-Trang about Robocop and nothing more? Or do you mean to say that conversation he had with Katsuya-chan about his adventure at a gay bar when she asked if he was single?
Okarada o taisetsu ni.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: My god...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:41 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
... Get back to work, Kiku.
Regards,
Arthur
From: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Subject: DUDE!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:47 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Hey Artie!
I finally finished up with all that paperwork you assigned me. Man, I didn't know that being the lawyer for this place also meant I had to do some secretary shit too. XP But yeah, it's all finished because a hero always finishes his job fast!
So anyways, I was wondering... what's with everyone and teasing you? I seriously swear to god, Francis stopped by your office like a million times today, and it ain't even lunch yet! Is there something going on between you two that the hero should know about? ;)
Anyways, hope you're doing great, despite all the boring ass paperwork. I seriously can't believe there's so much paperwork in this place. I already hate it and I'm just a lawyer! I can't imagine what it's like being you! D: But yeah, if you ever get too bored, I installed all of these awesome video games on my computer. You can come over and play anytime!
And your accent is still freaking awesome,
THE HERO!
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: DUDE!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:49 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Mr. Jones,
I would greatly appreciate it if you actually did your job, rather than use your emails to bother members of our staff. Our company is all about efficiency, and in order to be efficient, all members must be working diligently. I would also appreciate it if you referred to me by my proper name, not "Artie". It is a rather disrespectful nickname.
Also, there is nothing going on between myself and that idiotic frog. Last I checked, he was seeing some poor intern girl. He should not be flirting with anyone at this company, least of all me. He is merely too dense to understand that concept.
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Subject: Hello...?
Date: October 11, 2013 10:50 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Gil, is there a glitch in the system or something? No one's replying to any of my emails! And apparently, our new lawyer sent out a massive email and I'm the only one that didn't get it.
From: Hetalia Inc./Intern/i_am_a_man (Peter Kirkland)
Subject: You jerk!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:52 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Jerk cousin!
Dad told you to give me a job! And I wanted to be in management, dammit! I don't want to be some lowly intern! No one recognizes me as a future boss like this! I want your job. Switch with me right now, or I'm telling my mom!
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: You jerk!
Date: October 11, 2013 10:53 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Intern/i_am_a_man (Peter Kirkland)
Peter,
Your parents told me to give you a job, despite the fact that we were completely full on internships. You must understand, brat, that you are not yet of age to take on any of the jobs we have to offer. I had to pull numerous strings just to get you a bloody internship, and all you have to do is thank me. But do you? No. Of course not.
Keep your complaints to yourself and do try to behave. It is only through my intervention that you have let to be dismissed. However, continue this behavior and there is nothing I will be able to do to prevent that from happening.
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland, aka YOUR BLOODY BOSS
From: Hetalia Inc./Intern/i_am_a_man (Peter Kirkland)
Subject: Promotion
Date: October 11, 2013 10:55 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Yao, can you give me my jerk cousin's job? I can run the company just fine! In fact, I'll be way better than him! That'll show my jerk cousin who's boss! He can't boss me around just because he's older and uglier!
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Subject: Soo...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:56 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo)
Was it you that told Arthur's cousin to email me? How many times to I have to tell you to watch that boy? Now he's spamming my inbox and I can't find any emails that might actually be important! I demand him to be blocked now!
Also, kindly change your username. I have told you time and time again that I am male! There is no evidence of me being female whatsoever! Therefore, I definitely lack breasts. Stop using such a crude email name!
Finally, why is it so hot in here? No matter how many time I change the thermostat, it doesn't work. I tried contacting IT, but they don't respond. If this is your doing, I promise you that you will regret it very much!
From: Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo)
Subject: RE: Soo...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:58 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Show me your breasts, then we'll talk.
- Yao's Boobs are MIIIIIINE!
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Subject: RE: RE: Soo...
Date: October 11, 2013 10:59 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo)
I DON'T HAVE BREASTS!
From: Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Soo...
Date: October 11, 2013 11:01 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
YES YOU DO! YOU SHOW THEM TO IVAN ALL THE TIME!
From: Hetalia Inc./Production/become_one (Ivan Braginski)
Subject: Don't worry...
Date: October 11, 2013 11:03 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Don't worry. Mother Russia took care of the stupid idiot face.
Now, become one?
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Subject: RE: Don't worry...
Date: October 11, 2013 11:05 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Production/become_one (Ivan Braginski)
I thought I blocked you! How did you get past it!?
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:11 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda), Hetalia Inc./Intern/flowering_beauty (Michelle Sechelle), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Im Yong Soo was just beaten up by Braginski! I don't know why he was, but I have a bad feeling that it had something to do with Yao's non-existant breasts!
Our operation is in jeopardy! What remains of The Get Arthur Laid Agency must pool our resources ASAP! It is up to us to get that stick out of Arthur's ass, pronto!
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas)
Subject: Bastardo!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:12 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo)
You bastard, it's fucking hot in here. Somehow, I know this is all your damn fault. Fucking fix it before I melt, tomato bastard!
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo)
Subject: RE: Bastardo!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:14 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas)
Aw, Lovi! You contacted me while at work with a love e-mail! How romantic of you!
I'm afraid that I can't lower the thermostat for you. This is in the name of goodness, after all! Don't worry, though! After work today, I will treat you with lots of tomato treats and churros, just for you! You're so cute in this heat, anyways! Your cheeks are all flushed and your face looks just like a little tomato! So cute!
Te amo!
Toni
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas)
Subject: No subject
Date: October 11, 2013 11:15 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Bro, you better be fucking serving something cold today! It's hot as fuck and like Hell I'm going to let that tomato bastard see me shirtless at work. And if you and that potato bastard plan to fuck in the storage room closet later, don't bother. It's too damn hot to fuck in this office anyways.
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Subject: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:17 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
Ludwig, Ludwig!
Can you go to the market and get lots of bananas and popsicles today? Lizzie said that they'll help Arthur be less cranky! If you go get them, I promise that you will get lots and lots of wurst, your favorite!
XOXOXOXOXO
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:18 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Feli,
Your bananas and popsicles are already waiting for you in the kitchen. The bananas are on the counter, next to the tomatoes, garlic, and other fixings necessary for you to create your sauce. Your popsicles are in the freezer, just above the frozen sausages and just below the leftover Belgian waffles. Your choices of pasta to use are bow-tie, spaghetti noodles, and rigatoni.
I will meet you in the kitchen.
- Ludwig
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Subject: RE: RE: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:20 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
No hugs and kisses for me? :(
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:21 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Feli, we are going to see each other in about ten minutes. Is that really necessary?
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:22 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
:((((((((
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Favor!
Date: October 11, 2013 11:25 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas)
Very well...
Feliciano Vargas, you are the light of my life. I am fully aware that we are childhood friends, always together through thick and thin. Though we separated before reaching high school, my joy knew no bounds when I found out that you too worked for this company. If words could express how much I have come to care for you over the past few years, they would still not be enough. I love you, Feliciano Vargas, and I hope that our future together would continue to be wonderful.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: DID YOU SEE THAT!?
Date: October 11, 2013 13:14 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
DID YOU SEE THAT!?
The way Jones ate that banana!?
It was just...
SO HOT!
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Subject: RE: DID YOU SEE THAT!?
Date: October 11, 2013 13:16 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary)
Hai.
I hope that means our plan is succeeding. Jones was looking at Arthur-san, in addition to... looking that banana. I am quite sure that the extra attention he gave to that banana made Arthur-san very envious. The way he stormed away from the lunch table with a red face said a lot as well.
Okarada o taisetsu ni.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: Thermostat Issues
Date: October 11, 2013 13:18 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Mr. Beilschmidt,
Is it not your job to fix things when they break? Our thermostat has been haywire for a long while and has caused our office to become quite hot! As your boss, I order you to look into this problem immediately. Many of our employees have been indecently unbuttoning their shirts in an attempt to ward off the heat!
Sincerely,
Arthur Kirkland
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: Thermostat Issues
Date: October 11, 2013 13:20 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Chill the fuck out, Eyebrows. I'm looking into it.
The Awesome Me
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: Hey Birdie...
Date: October 11, 2013 13:23 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Take off your shirt and meet me in the storage room closet, stat. I want to see you in all your awesome beauty. All of this heat in the office is making me horny as fuck. We can do some awesome cuddling later too.
The Awesome Me
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Subject: RE: Hey Birdie...
Date: October 11, 2013 13:25 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Techology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Gil, shouldn't you be doing your job and doing something about the thermostat? Besides, we almost got caught the last time we did something like that. Can't you wait until we get home? It's less than four hours until we're done for the day, after all!
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: RE: Hey Birdie...
Date: October 11, 2013 13:28 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Birdie, please! Don't do this to me! I just want to be able to hold you, at least...
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Hey Birdie...
Date: October 11, 2013 13:30 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Closet, shirt off, with beer.
You have five minutes.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: Help...
Date: October 11, 2013 13:40 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Kiku, I'm suffering.
It's so bloody hot in this office and NO ONE in IT is doing anything to fix it! Calling upon Operations fixed nothing as well, because the entire bloody department went to go see Im Yong Soo in the hospital! (What the Hell did he do to get that injured? I'm pretty sure his injuries were inflicted with a pipe of some sort, but...)
What's even worse is the indecency. Everyone, from the interns to the managers, are unbuttoning their shirts. I have seen Francis nearly bloody get naked! It is such a disgusting and lewd way to attempt to escape the heat! If Roma or Alexander saw any of us doing this, our arses would be done for sure!
And Alfred... dear God, Alfred. Did you see him at lunch, with that banana? Was it really necessary to eat it in such a way? I can barely close my eyes without imagining him with that damn banana! He was licking it, Kiku. Bloody licking it. And it wasn't just an "ice-cream lick" either! It was a bloody "I'm pretending this is a bloody dick" lick, with a swirling tongue and everything!
I think God is against me today. From my desk right now, I can confirm that he has a fantastic six-pack. The things look so damn firm! He's probably worked out for hours to achieve such a feat, especially with the amount of disgusting hamburgers he consumes.
Even worse is the fact that, after talking with him for a bit at lunch, he's shown me that he's marginally intelligent as well. Why didn't anyone tell me that he was a bloody Harvard Law graduate!? Why couldn't Human Resources just hire some woman or someone not attractive from some other school!? No, Human Resources decides to torment me by sending a tall, attractive, intelligent, and even witty blonde my way.
I suppose you can grasp now that I may find him... decent. But that does not mean a thing! I can certainly handle working with him quite well. All I have to do is not think of him and bananas...
Fuck, there's a party downstairs. I feel so horrid. Kill me now, please. I know you still have that ceremonial katana hanging up on your wall.
HELP ME,
Arthur
From: Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda)
Subject: Success
Date: October 11, 2013 13:45 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Arthur-san has just admitted to me his feelings for Alfred-san.
It is best that we back out now and hope that Alfred-san is as bold as he seems.
Okarada o taisetsu ni.
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love-not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Subject: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:30 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang), Hetalia Inc./Management/north_europe_lion (Berwald Oxenstierna), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/princess_waffles (Emma Peeters), Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/marry_me_brother (Naytala Arlovskya), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/mochi_master (Eduard von Bock), Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/eyebrow_curse (Li Xiao Chun), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein), Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/pasta4life (Feliciano Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Finances/piano_man (Roderich Edelstein), Hetalia Inc./Finances/blimey_koalas (Jett Irwin), Hetalia Inc./Finances/neutral_4ever (Vash Zwingli), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/wheres_my_mummy (Gupta Muhammad Hassan), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/my_stomach_hurts (Toris Laurinaitis), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/trollpal (Lukas Bondevik), Hetalia Inc./Logistics/notavamp (Vlad Dracul), Hetalia Inc./Production/become_one (Ivan Braginski), Hetalia Inc./Production/napping_cat (Herakles Karpusi), Hetalia Inc./Production/king_of_scandinavia (Bertram Densen), Hetalia Inc./Production/sweet_rose (Xiao Mei), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/otaku_samurai (Kiku Honda), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pact_of_steel (Tino Väinämöinen), Hetalia Inc./Marketing/pasta_bastard (Lovino Vargas), Hetalia Inc./Operations/totally_fab (Feliks Łukasiewicz), Hetalia Inc./Operations/all_hail_yaos_boobies (Im Yong Soo), Hetalia Inc./Operations/masked_marauder (Sadik Adnan), Hetalia Inc./Security/land_of_tulips (Abel Van Roy), Hetalia Inc./Security/captain_puffin (Emil Steilsson), Hetalia Inc./Security/robocop_rulez (Diem-Trang Truong), Hetalia Inc./Research/back_pains211 (Katsuya Braginski), Hetalia Inc./Research/eat_my_cigar (Carlos Machado), Hetalia Inc./Research/maple_hockey (Matthew Williams)
Mes amis,
Jones has just asked Kirkland out to dinner to great success. I am now beginning a betting pool that will go on until tomorrow, where we will be able to gain as much information from jones and Kirkalnd as possible. The parameters are as follows:
1. Who tops
2. Where they have it
3. Kinks involved
4. Drunk or not
5. Whether or not Jones is wearing underwear today
Please reply with your bets by the end of the work day (17:00 PM).
Bons baisers,
Francis
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/princess_waffles (Emma Peeters)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:32 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Unlimited waffles for one hour on Jones topping, in his car, no kinks, Arthur drunk, and Jones having worn underpants today.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/north_europe_lion (Berwald Oxenstierna)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:32 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Twenty dollars on switching, on a bed in a smelly hotel, with bondage, neither drunk, and Jones having worn underwear.
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/herr_stick (Ludwig Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:33 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Feliciano and I bet our Pasta with Wurst special recipe on Arthur topping in an alleyway with whipped cream and chocolate, both drunk, Jones wearing underpants.
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/shinatty_aru (Yao Wang)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:34 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
My block against Ivan for no sex whatsoever, but both still get drunk. Jones not wearing underpants.
From: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/marry_me_brother (Naytala Arlovsky)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:34 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
My engagement with my brother on Jones topping, no underwear, not drunk, in a tree, with knives.
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/mochi_master (Eduard von Bock)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:34 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
We at IT, except for Gilbert, bet $100 on Jones topping on a table while he is drunk and Arthur is sober. No kinks, no underwear.
From: Hetalia Inc./Information_Technology/awesome_five_meters (Gilbert Beilschmidt)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:35 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
20 bucks and a gallon of Birdie's maple syrup that Kirkland screws Jones while Jones is wearing a dress. They do it against the wall of an alley after Eyebrows discovers that Jones didn't wear underwear today and gets hammered.
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer_Service/armada_king (Antonio Fernandez Carriedo)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:35 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Lovi not cursing for a day and unlimited churros for a day on Arthur topping because Jones had no underwear! And they do drunk role-playing in a bedroom! Because it's so cute!
From: Hetalia Inc./Operations/masked_marauder (Sadik Adnan)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:37 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Me taking off my mask on sober sex, with foot-related kinks in a kitchen. Alfred tops because of his having underwear!
From: Hetalia Inc./Research/eat_my_cigar (Carlos Machado)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:37 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Marketing's betting my entire supply of cigars for this month and pictures of Katsuya in just a bra on drunk sex, switching, with Alfred having no underwear. Oh yeah, and we can't forget the bondage kink! All of this happens in an open field.
From: Hetalia Inc./Finances/piano_man (Roderich Edelstein)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:38 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
A newly composed song about the idiocies of this company, and Vash paying for drinks on no sex whatsoever. And never finding out whether or not Jones has underwear on.
From: Hetalia Inc./Customer)Service/frying_pan_warrior (Elizabeta Hedervary-Edelstein)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:39 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
My entire yaoi collection, and the patent of the "Get X Laid Agency" name on extremely hot, steamy sex while sober against a bathroom wall. No kinks, no underwear, no Arthur topping!
From: Hetalia Inc./Security/robocop_rulez (Diem-Trang Truong)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:40 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Security's offering everything we confiscated from workers in the past month on drunk sex, in a car, no kinks, no underwear, and switching.
From: Hetalia Inc./Production/become_one (Ivan Braginski)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:42 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
My entire fortune on all becoming one with me.
From: Hetalia Inc./Production/napping_cat (Herakles Karpusi)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:45 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Production team is betting naptime on no underwear, no lube, no being drunk, no Alfred topping, and all of that happening at the back of a bus.
From: Hetalia Inc./Logistics/wheres_my_mummy (Gupta Muhammad Hussan)
Subject: RE: Betting pool!
Date: October 11, 2013 16:47 PM
To: Hetalia Inc./Human_Resources/make_love_not_war (Francis Bonnefoy)
Logistics team is betting 500 on no sex because Arthur is a prude!
From: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Subject: ;)
Date: October 12, 2013 10:35 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Heyyyyy, babe. I can't stop thinking about last night. You were freaking amazing. :3 I can't wait to pound you into the keys again later tonight. Who knew sex on a piano would be so damn awesome? And that suit fetish of yours... I'll have to remember that tonight. ;)
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: ;)
Date: October 12, 2013 10:37 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Get back to work, Jones, or else I'll tell everyone you were wearing women's underwear. I have no idea where in hell you got the idea that it made your bloody arse more appealing, but let me assure you now that it didn't. A hot pink thong is NOT a turn on, let me tell you!
From: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
Subject: RE: RE: ;)
Date: October 12, 2013 10:39 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
That's not what you were saying last night, babe. ;)
From: Hetalia Inc./Management/flying_mint_gentleman (Arthur Kirkland)
Subject: RE: RE: RE: ;)
Date: October 12, 2013 10:39 AM
To: Hetalia Inc./Legal/cowboy_hero (Alfred Jones)
GET TO WORK, JONES!