"Was I out of order then?"

"No. But you have to go home. Go home"

I am speechless.

I cannot believe what has just happened. Everything I have been wishing for in the last 12 months becoming a reality. A reality that was so right and yet so very wrong.

This evening had started off in a rather different manner to where it had ended...

As I walked out of the Dev's I was hit by the cool December air. I was panicked. He had informed me that Peter had been in and taken a bottle of vodka. I knew he was struggling given the date. A year since the tram ripped through the street and all of our lives. I already knew that he was worried about making his speech in front of everybody, he felt guilty that Ashley had died whilst he had survived. He felt that he was unworthy and this scared me. I couldn't live without him in my life, no matter what capacity he was in, or not in my life.

As I reached the front door of the bookies flat I noticed it was slightly ajar. I knew Leanne would be busy working at the Bistro, that was clearly her main priority. Her and her bit on the side. I couldn't believe that she treated such a kind, gentle, loving man with such little respect. If Peter was mine I would make sure he knew just how amazing he was every hour of every day. I don't understand why he puts up with her. Lowering himself to her level. But I pushed that out of my mind. For now. I had to make sure that Peter was ok and be there for him in his hour of need as he was for me.

I anxiously make my way up the stairs of the flat. A flat that I had been into on so many occasions. However, I didn't know what sight I would face at the top. I wasn't even sure if he would be there and if he was what state of mind he would be in. With each step I climbed my heart was beating faster and faster. I wasn't scared of Peter, I never could be but after Frank I was extra cautious around everybody.

I slowly pushed the inner door open. My heart had been beating out of my chest but I was met by a warming sight as I turned into the flat. I was overjoyed to see him there, I could tell he'd been drinking but seeing that he was safe was the most important thing to me.

I had been taken aback by the manner in which he spoke to me. I could sense the agitation in his voice. He was in a very fragile state and I didn't want to make that worse so I tried to be reasonable with him and get him to see the cold hard truth but I should have known it was useless. There's no talking to him when he's drunk. The more I tried the more frustrated he became until he got to the point of yelling at me to "get out."

Although I would not show this to him by this point I was becoming quite unnerved. The last time that I had been in a confrontational situation with a man he had raped me. Not that Peter would ever do that it still sends shivers down my spine at the thought of upsetting him whilst he's angry. With that I turned on my heel and left him. As awful as I felt leaving him alone in this state there was no arguing with him, what could I do?

I made my way back down the stairs as slowly as possible, hoping he would call my name and ask me back in and ask for the help that he so desperately needed but as I reached the bottom step I knew my luck was out. I slowly dropped my feet to the last step and took one last glance up towards the flat resisting the urge deep within my heart to run back up those stairs, hold him in my arms, tell him everything would be ok and that I would never let him go.

I couldn't believe half an hour later when he stumbled through my front door. After the way we had left things before I wasn't expecting to see him until tomorrow when he would be riddled with guilt over the way he had behaved, grovelling and I would forgive him of course after all I'd put him through I couldn't begrudge him a bit of moping.

This whole evening had been spent discussing Peter and what had got him to today. I learnt so much more about him than what he had previously let on. The lucid state in which he was in meant there was no holding back his deepest darkest memories. The saddest moment came when he told me that "if Ashley would have lived instead of me this world would be a much better place."

To think that barely two months ago it was me with those thoughts. Thoughts of how much better the world would be without me but now I realise what I have to live for and I needed Peter to realise that. I was being selfish but he pulled me up from rock bottom, without him I wouldn't be here and I couldn't imagine a life with him not in it.

Within the hour that we had been sat on my sofa talking about our lives Peter had almost sobered himself up, aided by the coffee I had been pouring down his neck. A far cry from the drink of his choice but now was my turn to look after him.

Finally he was almost in a state for facing Leanne but he needed to freshen himself up to hide all evidence of his evening drowning his sorrows and I agreed on his idea, offering a spare toothbrush that I kept on the side in case I had unexpected visitors.

Whilst he was in the shower in took 10 minutes for myself to process all of the things he had opened up to me tonight. I knew he had been through more than I was aware of but now I admired him more that I did before if that was possible. He had been dragged down more times than me and he was still just about standing strong. This gave me the strength to know that maybe I could do it after all. I also thought deeply about the moment his gentle hands had held my face. The softness of his hand had melted my not-so stone heart. As his face edged ever closer to mine I longed to lean into his lips. In that moment we had both wanted the same thing but for now I had to be the strong one. I knew he was drunk so I know I shouldn't read anything into it...

As he walked out of the shower he looked much fresher and the sparkle was starting to reappear within his deep brown eyes eyes. A sparkle that made me go weak at the knees, a sparkle that I wished I could wake up to every morning, a sparkle that didn't belong to me.

With that I helped him into his jacket. We were stood so close yet there was a void between us. A void that couldn't be filled with words. I knew this was wrong so I settled for a hug, but this was more than just a hug. It was a soft embrace. He held onto me and I never wanted to let him go. As we began to pull apart he continued to hold me close.

As stared into each other's eyes, these looks communicating more than our words ever could. He again moved his face towards me and this time I couldn't stop it. How could I stop something that felt so natural? There was nothing forced about this. I closed my eyes and felt the silk feeling of his lips brush against mine.

Our kiss only last for a mere couple of seconds but in that time everything slowed down. All I could focus on was that his lips were against mine, moving in such a loving gentle manner, a kiss initiated by him.

This wasn't the first kiss we had shared. The last one had been a few months ago, before I had flown to Rome with Frank. A trip that would change everything. That kiss hadn't been gentle, it was desperate and needy before it had come to an abrupt end.

This kiss was so very different. I could feel the love radiating from his lips. I savoured every moment of it but it was over as quickly as it had begun. With that I told him to leave. I was trying to do the right thing. All of my past relationships had gone wrong when there were too many people involved. As much as I loved Peter I couldn't do that, not to him but more importantly not to myself. After everything this year I need to look after myself and with that he was gone.

I was alone again in this flat with nothing but might have beens.