A/N: Yay a new fanfiction! And a crackfic no less! YAY!! Ahem, so, uh… Well, this idea came to me just before I fell asleep after having been awake for 24 hours. Go figure, eh? Anyways, please keep in mind that I really didn't put much thought into writing this, but hey, that's what makes a good crackfic, a good crackfic, ne? Or maybe not. Eh, whatever, I guess it's at least good for a laugh!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to KH or KHII, and especially not Romeo and Juliet or any other play or what-have-you mentioned in this story. And nor do I know much besides what everyone else knows about Romeo and Juliet, either, so I just sort of improvised xD So please don't take any of this seriously, for it's not meant to be serious whatsoever, mmkay?
One Night at the Theater…
A KH/KHII Crackfic
Sora, Kairi, and Riku entered the theater hoping for a delightful night of fine art. Kairi adored Shakespeare so and had always wanted to see a showing of Romeo and Juliet. All right, so she really only wanted to go as an attempt to get Sora to get it through his stiff-FFX-Basilisk-head-looking-spiky-haired skull that she wanted romance. Like, you know, the kind where he's NOT acting like a lovestruck 5-year-old.
Riku was in it for the love scenes, of course. Hey, he didn't have a girlfriend so what else was he supposed to do? Therefore he also wanted to sneak backstage and get Juliet's number, because Riku thought she looked pretty hot on the posters he'd seen.
However, little did they know who really starred in the show…
They entered the theater and walked to their seats. The stage looked lovely, all perfectly set up and everything in place.
But wait, wasn't a CURTAIN supposed to be there…?
"Gee, I wonder where did the curtain go…?" Kairi asked, being ever so… "EVER SO" at that moment.
A few moments later, a man in a long black cloak with really spiky red hair swung across the stage on the curtain and landed with a thud into the wall.
"Hey, wait a minute, isn't that…!!!" Sora said with his eyes bulging out of his head.
"OH MY GOD IT'S AXEL! OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGG!!" Kairi was being a bit of an annoying preppy girl, so much so that even Sora wanted to kill her at that moment.
Axel regained his balance… somewhat anyway, and staggered over to his podium.
"Solike, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show! I'll be your narrator tonight, and my name is Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?" he introduced in his usual… type way.
-Pig Oinks - (Because, you know, crickets are a bit too normal for this, ne?)
"Okay, good." He cleared his throat and situated himself at the podium. He read over his lines and became very confused. He didn't know what the hell it meant, let alone how to pronounce all them there fancy words!
"Okay, like, whateverrrrr! We all know who Romeo and Juliet are, right? So, like, okay, let's just get to the part everyone remembers the most and get it over with!" With that, Axel began the demise of what was once a beautiful and classic play.
Sora, Riku, and Kairi sat in the audience with their mouths wide open, jaws hitting their laps and their eyes bulging out of their heads.
Why, this isn't Shakespeare! It's blasphemy!
And to add insult to injury, some really ugly-looking thing appeared on what was supposed to be Juliet's balcony. This thing was not only ugly, but incredibly nauseating. So nauseating, in fact, that Sora threw his popcorn up on the floor at the very sight of this thing.
Kairi now needed new shoes. And a new boyfriend.
So now, this thing that which made everyone incredibly sick, almost like influenza only a lot more contagious, began to speak.
This was Juliet.
Riku's eyes twitched and he immediately covered his mouth in absolute disgust. He certainly did not want that thing's phone number!
"XEMNAS! XEMNAS, WHERE THE HELL ART THOU, XEMNAS?! ER, I MEAN, ROMEO!"
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Kairi, Sora, and Riku all shouted simultaneously. Xemnas was Romeo. Axel was the narrator. And Juliet was none other than the butch straight woman/ugly gay man, Xigbar.
After about 10 minutes, Xemnas ran out on stage. "OH JULIET, JULI--" Xemnas then tripped and fell on a bump in the rug that someone carelessly laid out on the floor.
(Enter stage left, Xaldin the set designer.)
He landed on his face and laid there for about 5 minutes, whining like a baby about how his nose job was ruined now. Hmm… maybe he'd be perfect for that role in Cyrano de Bergerac!
Ahem. Anyways, he stood up and looked up at his repulsive Juliet. He stood in his Romeo stance, which was one leg up on a rock, one arm out, and a hand on his heart. And a really gay-looking model face plastered onto his head.
"WHAT LIGHT HIT YONDER WINDOW BREAKS!?" Xigbar shouted, to then find a baseball had been thrown through the window of his stage bedroom.
Hmm… who threw it, I wonder?
(Enter stage… top! None other than Demyx hung from the ceiling dressed in some god awful outfit and an ugly blonde wig. What the hell is this…?!)
Xemnas cleared his throat, "It is the yeast, and Juliet is the butter!" and screwed up his lines.
The stage got quiet and a certain shrewish woman dressed in man's attire began to tap her foot with impatience.
Axel had been standing there at the podium watching the show as if he were in the audience, leaning on his arm and resting his chin on his hand.
"AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the unpleasant crossdressing woman had her hands on her hips and stomped her foot angrily.
Axel glanced down at her, and then double-taked as he remembered that it was his turn to speak.
"Uhhh… solike, Romeo and Juliet uhh… meet again and uh… a baseball flew through the window and Romeo wants to make bread and butter. Yeah."
Axel then went back to his prior state to watch the show, only to be kneed in the groin by the same damn shrew that had been antagonizing him for the past five minutes.
Axel fell to the floor in excruciating pain.
"DAMMIT AXEL, WHY IS IT YOU CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME MY CUE!" The woman appeared to be Larxene, only… she was to play Juliet's FATHER.
But wait, who's Juliet's mother then…?
Demyx then ran onto the stage, stepping on Axel, knocking Larxene over, and pushing Xemnas down into the ground again. Xemnas' nose job had now been a total waste of time, and all in under 30 minutes!
"OH, JUUUUUUULIEEEEEEEEEET! IT IS YOUR MAMA SPEAKING AND I WANT YOU TO STOP SPEAKING TO ROMEO AND GO AND COOK YOUR DADDY UP SOME BACON LIKE I ASKED YOU TO!" Demyx… could not act. AT. ALL.
Xigbar's face fell, for he took this all as reality and not just a play. He loved wearing dresses and standing on balconies shouting stupid things almost as much as he loved Xemnas.
Er. Forget you read that.
Larxene entered the stage, pounding her feet incredibly hard on the floor. "DAMMIT, DEMYX, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO ENTER THE STAGE TOGETH--" Larxene then fell through a weak spot she broke open on the floor and landed in the basement with the screenwriters of the next play, The Taming of the Shrew. Go figure that one out!
Demyx looked down at the hole to see nothing but darkness. His bottom lip stuck out and began to quiver whilst his eyes began to resemble that of a desloate anime character, watering with despair and sparkling like sapphires.
"LARXEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEEEEE!!" Demyx then jumped down into the hole and landed with a loud thud into a really dark room. Demyx was afraid of the dark, and he began to scream. But no one could hear the sound…
Axel's eyebrows raised almost all the way up to his hairline and he looked out to the audience. "Mmkay then! So I guess Juliet's parents died in a horrible construction accident! So now, like, um…" Axel put a hand to his chin in deep thought.
He then raised a hand and his eyes widened in consort with an evil smirk that seemed to signify an idea, "I've got it! Xemnas-Mansex--I MEAN ROMEO, climbs up to Juliet's balcony and, uh…"
So much for deep thought.
Axel, being the thoughtless drone he was, just sort of stood there with a string of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. With that, Xemnas found himself confused. He just did what he was told, and so he climbed up to the balcony and--
Haha, did you really think it'd be that easy?
Xemnas looked up to the balcony and began to cry. He was afraid of heights. What was he to do now!?
"BUT… BUT… JULIEEEET, WHY CAN'T YOU COME DOWN HEEEEEEEERRRRRRE?!!!?!?!?"
Yeah, YEAH! Why couldn't Juliet just go down there?! What made her think she was so SPECIAL that she couldn't climb down herself?!
Wait, what the heck am I saying?!
Xigbar's lip stuck out so far that he could almost have used it as a staircase to get down, "But… XEMNAS I WANT YOU TO COME UP HEEEEEEEEEERRRRE!!!!!!"
The bickering of the two ensued for about ten minutes.
Sora was asleep, Kairi was in shock, and Riku was looking around through the audience to see if he could possibly find any cute girls he could hit on on the way out.
The rest of the audience were too busy either laughing or crying to care that they wasted money on this irreverence of a Shakespeare play!
Suddenly a banana flew onstage and knocked Xemnas out. Who threw this but Xaldin, who'd been plotting to destroy Xemnas in his brilliant plan to take control of Organization XIII!
Wait, we're not supposed to know about that so…
Xaldin was to play the part of one of Romeo's friends, but uh… This writer is incredibly lazy and stupid and can't remember the spelling of the names, so he's merely just one of Romeo's friends!
The other of Romeo's friends, played by Marluxia, got the zipper stuck on his cloak and is still in his dressing room crying too much to come out because he can't get out of his cloak and into his costume. Because, ladies and gentlemen, Marluxia is a moron.
So, anyways, where were we? Xaldin threw a banana at Xemnas and knocked him out. So then Xaldin, being the understudy for Romeo, took his Romeo stance and began to recite his own lines to Xigbar.
"Xigbar, Xigbar, how I love you so! More than fried onions and asparagus galore! You're my love muffin, I do hope you know, and that is why now I'm going to kill you with my… uh… spear... Oh!"
Xaldin couldn't write. Xaldin couldn't act. Xaldin was just like the rest of them, a moron and that's a fact.
Xigbar let out a loud shriek as he saw Xaldin's spear in hand. His wig and dress fell off as he ran away from the balcony, completely forgetting that there were stairs that led backstage.
"OWOOFDAMNOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWBOOMCRYSOBOWWWWWWWWWWW!!"
Xaldin took this opportunity to run backstage and seize Xigbar. "I'MA GONNA GETCHA, XIGBARRRRRRR!!!!" You could hear them screaming backstage.
The screaming woke Sora up, prompting him to ask what was going on and why Xemnas was laying in the middle of the stage and where Xigbar went and why his wig was on Xemnas' face.
Kairi was no longer in shock and had been laughing the entire time, and was laughing too hard to explain anything to Sora. Riku, on the other hand, had disappeared. He found a really cute girl and ran off to get her number. 'Cause, you know, Riku's smooth like that.
Xigbar then ran onstage, wearing a pink bra and panties. Sora's eye began to twitch in horror of this sight. He couldn't help but run off to the bathroom to puke. It was just. Too. HORRIFYING.
"XALDIN, PLEASE, I'M… I'M… PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Xigbar pleaded as he stood against the wall of the tower of the balcony of… of… SOMETHING.
Xaldin held up his spear to Xigbar's throat with a threateningly evil grin on his face. "Oh, how I love it when you beg. But I think I'm going to kill you anyway." The spear drew closer to Xigbar's throat, and Xigbar gulped in faer.
"But… but WHY?!" Xigbar cried. Like, literally, he CRIED.
Xaldin thought for a moment.
"Because I feel like it." Xaldin became engulfed in a homicidal rage, furious with power, and intoxicated with… the scent of flowers…?
Oh, who cares!
Before Xaldin could proceed with his dirty deed, he was burnt to a crisp by a random flurry of flames.
Axel stood at the podium, leaning on his arm with a finger pointed in Xaldin's direction, and he was yawning.
"AXEL! WHY'D YOU KILL XALDIN?!" Xemnas shouted from the ground. Yeah, he woke up. Dammit.
Axel shrugged. "He gets on my nerves." He said simply, just before drifting off back into a deep sleep.
Xigbar ran offstage franticly, as he couldn't handle the sight of dead, burned up bodies. He was against cremation.
Sora returned to his seat a few moments after that, and he came back to a hysterical Kairi. And Riku was still gone… Maybe he was doing more than just getting a phone number…?
Hmm… Huh? Oh, right. Uh…!!!
Oh, yeah! Saix then made his debut on the stage, by… dusting Juliet's balcony? It seemed he was her maid. Not a very good one, though, considering he was only pushing the dust down onto Xemnas' head.
As a result, Xemnas began to fall into a sneezing frenzy.
"AH--AH--AH--ACHOO!! Oh… GOD! ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Xemnas then fell into the hole that Larxene and Demyx had fallen into a few scenes before. Right into a room full of roses, which he was SEVERELY allergic to.
His sneezing could be heard for all of 30 seconds. What happened to him after that? We may never know…
Saix looked down into the hole from the balcony and felt a cloud of despondence fall over him. It was no lie, he loved Xemnas. And with that, he took a flying, suicidal leap into the hole all the way from the balcony.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU, XEMNAAAAAAAAASSSS!!" His final words lingered on forever. Or at least a few seconds.
So, now every cast member had been eliminated with the exception of Axel, who had more or less just enjoyed the show, and took no advantage to the fact that he could've made the actors do whatever he told them to do.
But then again, he would've made them do what they ended up doing anyway.
So now Axel was left with an audience full of an array of emotions. Some cried until they laughed, some laughed until they wet themselves, and some just wet themselves. And they were all scarred for life.
Axel stood proudly now and took in a deep breath.
"So, uh. That's the show, folks! Hope you, like, enjoyed it!" with that, Axel walked offstage in an anticlimactic manner.
………………………
Then he slipped on a banana peel and was sent flying backwards and down into the mysterious hole in the ground.
After all, he IS a member of the cast!!
The audience then made their leave. Kairi had stopped laughing, although Sora was still confused. As usual. But, in any case, they made their leave as well.
Kairi and Sora walked back home, only for Sora to remember one small detail…
"Hey, Kairi, where's Riku?" Sora asked. Kairi looked around, and then shrugged.
-----------------------------
"Oh, but come ON! Just give me your number! PLEEEEEEEEASE?!" Riku was at the mercy of an incredibly beautiful woman whose number he wanted.
"But, Riku, what would your friends think?" The heavenly creature then turned around and peeled off her mask to reveal…
VEXEN!!
Riku's eyes popped out of his head and his jaw dropped just before he screamed bloody murder and passed out.
This left Vexen cackling his evil cackle of torment and DOOM! Or something of that nature. But then Vexen spontaneously combusted and Riku was left passed out in an abandoned alleyway with nothing but a small alley cat as his company.
THE END
END CREDITS
CAST
Juliet - Xigbar
Romeo - Xemnas
Juliet's mother/Moron-that-threw-the-baseball - Demyx
Juliet's father - Larxene
Set designer/Romeo's friend whose-name-I-can't-spell #1 - Xaldin
Romeo's friend whose-name-I-can't-spell #2 - Marluxia
Juliet's maid - Saix
Narrator - Axel
Mysterious Woman - Vexen
A/N: This was fun to write, but I don't know if I'm ever going to go through with one of these ideas again xDD