Unlike most fanfiction, this one's lay-out is similair to that of
an episode script. I figured it would be a bit more fun this way
as the reader can picture it to be an actual episode.
* This is mere fictitious fun and not a real P.A transcript from Disney, it is
a simple creation by an un-original fan (i.e me) of the show.
All P.A characters are owned by Disney *blah blah blah, trademark, copyright,
purple monkey* and were only used for this story for amusement, and
have not been demeaned in any freakishly, inhumane way.
Crunch-Pod Deuce
(Milo is tucked in his bed; Pepper Ann is fluffing one of his pillows)
Milo: P.A it's 8 p.m. I'm not even tired.
Pepper Ann: Well you know Milo, those helpful Crunch-Pod
Karma spirits won't infiltrate your house with positive
confidence building dreams unless you're asleep nice and early.
(She leans toward Milo and points to his ceiling)
Why, they may be on the roof as we speak.
Milo (sitting up) : Look, you are getting too...
Pepper Ann (forcing him to lie down): You know good little
Crunch-Pod players get magic winner dust as a reward for
being so loyal and respectful to Crunch-Pod.
Milo (interested) : Oh? What happens to bad little Crunch-Pod players?
Pepper Ann (threateningly) : They shave their eyebrows
and use their bodies as human shields against rabid clowns.
(Milo sighs and gets out of bed, he is still in his day clothes)
Milo: Look P.A, you don't have to be so wierd about this.
I know being a participant in the International Crunch-Pod
Tournament is a big step for me but you don't have to be
all "Beauty Pageant Mom" on me.
Pepper Ann (a bit gloomy) : I'm sorry Milo, I guess I am still
feeling bad from that past experience when I nearly
destroyed our friendship with my sassy dynamics. I never
want to unknowingly steal another human's spotlight again.
Milo (understanding) : Don't sweat it! That happened a long
time ago, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over bad
experiences. All that worrying causes cankers ya know.
Pepper Ann (a bit oblivious): If it makes it easier I
won't even bring a single quarter to Brain Dead! Would
ten feet be a good distance away from you as you play?
Milo : Pepper Ann, haven't you been listening?
I really do not care about winning this, I just see it
as a great honour to even be in the Internationals.
(He puts his hand over his heart)
Competing against fellow Crunch-Pod freaks from around the
world is plenty of an endorphic rush, and that is a great reward.
Pepper Ann (smiling) : Yeah... (she reverses to being forceful)
Okay! Get in bed champ! ( she tries to push Milo into bed)
Milo (annoyed) : P.A, don't make me call my mom...
Pepper Ann (promptly) : See you tomorrow! (she zips out of
Milo's room)
New Scene: It's after school and swarms of students are
advancing toward Brain Dead. A radio announcement plays in
the background as the students stampede.
Announcer: Hey kids! If you're up for some fun, or an excuse
not to make dinner, Hazelnut is honoured to be the location of
this year's International Crunch-Pod Tournament. Come on down to
Brain Dead to see players from around the world. This will be
Hazelnut's Milo Kamalani's first time participating in this special
event. Will he be the first American to win this greatly respected
tournament? That would be nice, seeing as my compulsive gambling
addiction has made me bet my house on this thing. Well, best of luck
to you Milo!
(Close up on running students)
Lamar: You think Milo could win?
Some guy : Don't know. But he should at least get into the finals.
(People enter Brain Dead. Milo is playing against a Japanese girl
while Dieter is hovering behind them.)
Dieter (hyper-happy) : Go racy Milo, the Crunch-Pod Wizard!
(Dieter looks to his right and suddenly runs off,
Pepper Ann pursues him with a net.)
(The match is no real surprise; Milo beats the girl without
a problem.)
Japanese girl (a bit teary) : Mageta...watashida!
Subtitles - [ I lost!]
Milo (giving a respectful bow): Thank you for being my challenger
Takeko, you were a great opponent.
Japanese girl (cheering up) : Domo! Makotono Senshino!
(she returns the bow)
Subtitles - [ Thanks! You're a true player!]
(Pepper Ann runs up to Milo as the girl skips off)
Pepper Ann: Woo! Here comes hurricane Milo! (she slaps Milo
on the back lightly) Keep this streak up and you'll be in the
finals next week! (she imitates some hurricane "noises")
Swish! Foooosh! Splash! Destroy 90 homes on Florida's coast!
(the Arcade guy blows a whistle, he begins to speak through
a megaphone)
Arcade guy: Okay! Break time! The Tournament will continue
in 30 minutes! Players may still practice on machines
at this time; and when I find out which one of you little twits
keyed my Lincoln your going to be looking for a new place
to loiter your sorry moneyless selves!
(Milo and P.A suddenly turn their heads as they hear a
familiar voice.)
Dieter (hyper-happy) : Milo Milo! You have skill!
Strike the weak, play to kill! Way to great to take a tie!
Show no mercy, make them cry! You're the player with real class!
Roll your sleeves and kick some -
(Pepper Ann runs up to Dieter and punches him hard
in the back.)
Pepper Ann : Will you stop that!
Dieter: Yaaaaah!
Milo (rolls his eyes) : Oh come on P.A everyone and their
grandma knows what rhymes with 'class'. You shouldn't get
so offended, I mean, we are twelve.
Dieter : Why did you hit me?
Pepper Ann : He's too squirrelly.
Dieter (getting irritated) : Why did you hit me?!
Pepper Ann (challenging) : Where's your brain?
Dieter: I asked you first!
Pepper Ann : I had to sedate you from your wild display
of embarrassing insanity, people are trying to play here.
Dieter (a bit forlorn) : You didn't have to hit me so hard...
Pepper Ann (feeling guilty) : Aw...come on, I didn't
hit you. I... I lightly touched you with a closed fist.
(Dieter glares at her)
Pepper Ann (changing the subject) : Woa, Look at that spread!
(she indicates a table with lots of food) Refreshments! Woo!
(she grabs Dieter and Milo's arms and runs toward the table)
Pepper Ann: This is convenient. I'm glad I didn't trouble myself
from robbing Moose's change from her desk; she really puts up
a fight you know! (she practically rips a loaf of bread in half
with her hands, she is in mid bite when she hears crying. All
three watch a boy running away from a crowded Crunch-Pod machine)
Boy (sobbing): Oh why... she just had to humiliate me in
front of my parents, and on my barmitzvah, to!
(cries louder)
(the parents follow)
Kid's dad: My god son! What kind of stunt was that?
Girl's Voice: Alright! Next! Need challenger! Now!
(the crowd is reluctant)
(Milo, P.A and Dieter move their heads a bit and finally
see a tough yet lanky looking girl with long, scruffy, brown
hair and dressed in jean shorts and a white shirt that says
"Fierce Kitty")
Milo: Woa... Who's the Courtney Love?
Dieter: That's Shawndelle McKnight, the Vicious
Canadian Diva; she has won the International Championship
three times in a row! (He eats some stuff on a toothpick)
Hey this is lobster. (he eats more)
Milo (crosses his arms, interested): Hmm, really?
Pepper Ann (just finishing some cake): That good huh? (she
watches Shawndelle's playing with curiosity)
Dieter : They say she was raised by hard working parents
that wanted a latch key child instead of a responsibility,
However, one day she took to the deep Manitoba forests in her
backyard with only a tv and a portable Crunch-Pod game.
(We fade to see Shawndelle bounding from a house with a tv
in her arms and a handheld game in her teeth. She is then
seen playing Crunch-Pod without blinking in a dirty little
shack. Dieter still narrates)
Dieter: She lived and breathed games and she robbed electronic
shops in the dead of the night whenever she could. She rarely
came in contact with people for she had acquired the feral
behaviour of nature's animals.
(Shawndelle runs from two approaching people, snarling)
Dieter: And if people persisted to help her become a part
of normal society, she had nature help her battle to keep
her anti-social freedom.
(We see a bunch of people running away screaming as they are
pursued by giant woodland animals à la Princess Mononoke,
Shawndelle is even dressed like San)
Shawndelle: Hiyaaaah!
Milo (skeptical: Oh come on Dieter as if that would happen!
Pepper Ann : Shhh, Milo this is getting good. Keep on going
Dieter, I wanna hear more about Hermit Girl.
Milo (sighs) : I told you not to give him that movie!
Dieter (clears throat) : With solitude and electronic friendship
at her side, she lived peacefully. Until three years ago, she attained
the great desire of defeating other humans in electronic combat.
She left the safety of her home and headed out to become the best.
(Shawndelle has her arms raised in victory in a cloudy pose
with defeated players at her feet in collapsed poses)
Dieter: Addicted to winning like an, um, addiction she
kept playing throughout the world; no one has of yet
seen her loose a game.
(Shawndelle is looking at a sunrise from a large cliff, with
a real determined look on her face)
(We go back to reality)
Milo (laughs) : Come on, those are just rumors, she
can't be that crazy.
Pepper Ann (munching some peanuts) : Guess you'll find out
when you play her Milo.
Dieter (eating a bunch of crackers) : She does have the temper.
(Shawndelle goes catty to some poor sap.)
Shawndelle: You too easy! You suck! You suckity-suck-suck!
(Milo then looks down at the depleting table of food, he
notices a card. It reads: Reserved For Shawndelle
McKnight and Guests With Invitation)
Milo (worried) : Um...P.A? (He tries to show her the card)
(Pepper Ann obliviously opens a can of Chill-Ade, Dieter
swipes the nuts from her)
Pepper Ann: What? You want a sip Milo?
( A huge club in the shape of a joystick smashes down on the table,
Pepper Ann and Dieter scream, Shawndelle McKnight holds the
club threateningly to them, glaring madly)
Shawndelle (Yelling) : You! Why you take my food? You are no
tournament player, I see no invitation!
Pepper Ann (whispering to Dieter) : You were not kidding about
her being isolated, she talks like a neanderthal and smells
like a sewage plant.
Shawndelle (pointing her club at P.A) : Hey! I hear you!
And that no smell of sewage, it Heaven from The Gap!
(The international players and school students have
gathered around to watch the ruckus)
Shawndelle (furious) : Three time champion deserve food on break!
You no help by eating it! What you going to do about it, eh?
Maybe I should club you like disobedient seals, that be okay
punishment for trouble makers.
(Pepper Ann and Dieter cower. Milo approaches Shawndelle)
Milo : Hey, they didn't mean to do this. It's kind of their friendly
way of saying, "Hey, let's welcome our visitors by eating their food."
(Shawndelle gracefully swings the club like a baton, she is glaring
viciously at Milo. Pepper Ann steps between them)
Pepper Ann (somewhat uneasy) : Hey Shawndelle, we are all
intelligent people here, what say we solve this ourselves without the
violence hmm? I admit we were inconsiderate the way we ate nearly
all your food so I'll tell you what ... um... (she thinks for a
few seconds, the game machines spark an idea) How about a
simple game? No one gets hurt and we can have a bit of fun,
if I win, we can put this whole food thing behind us, if you win ...
Shawndelle (interrupting) : Take me to nice sunny spot. Look ,
(She shows her pale white arm) I pale as Englishman. Want
nice UV causing colour.
Pepper Ann (happily) : I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Shawndelle (cracking her knuckles) : I never lose.
Milo (low voice) : You think you can beat her?
Pepper Ann : I doubt it, just talking to her has me believe
that her attention span is identical to Cissy's; she'll forget
everything that happened here in a second due to the flashing lights
of the game. (P.A smiles) Win or lose, I'll be fine.
Milo (awed) : Smooth.
(The girls begin to play)
Aussie guy player (to a French guy player) : Five yank dollars
says this match will be as mickey mouse as a Renault.
French player (insulted) : Hmph! Gros Malin!
Subtitles - Wise guy!
(Several minutes go by as the girls continue to play, a double
K.O is then the result. As the scores appear, Pepper Ann has
beaten Shawndelle by fifty points. The crowd gasps with
great surprise)
French player : Elle gange d'un but!
Subtitles - She won by a goal!
Pepper Ann (seeing that she has won): Cool!
(Shawndelle is stupefied that she has lost, she stares at P.A,
she approaches her and narrows her eyes. She places one hand on
P.A's face softly, Shawndelle then leans in and gives P.A
a small kiss on her cheek bone)
(All the international players gasp frightfully as they see this)
A Jamaican female player (mournfully) : Oh why did she have to win...
Milo (confused) : Wha?
Arcade guy (megaphone) : Okay! Break is over! The tournament
will resume in two minutes!
(P.A is very confused; she touches the cheek that was kissed.
Shawndelle still stares at her)
Dieter (screaming) : OH NO!!!!!
(Dieter runs toward P.A and grabs her arm, he runs out of Brain
Dead with P.A trying to keep up)
Dieter : You have to run and hide Pepper Ann! Find the best
hiding places you know of!
Pepper Ann : What? Why? Hey, it was not a real...
Dieter : You have just been given the Kiss of Shame!
Pepper Ann : Kiss of Shame?!
(as they run Dieter screeches to a halt in front of Freezy Pleasy's,
he deliberates for a second before dragging Pepper Ann inside)
Pepper Ann : Woa!
(They are sitting down at a booth discussing the recent events
over ice cream)
Dieter : Canadians have very big prides, Pepper Ann, when a
complete stranger defeats them it is very dishonouring; they
would rather accept death then face such a humiliation.
Pepper Ann : I see this has to do with the Kiss of Shame, right?
Dieter : Ya! If a Crunch-Pod player feels she has been inhumanely
disgraced she is allowed to give an opponent the Kiss of Shame,
which means that she will plague trouble and misfortune onto that
opponent until her pride has been mended.
Pepper Ann : It's not as if I won the Tournament or something.
Dieter : It doesn't matter, if they feel threatened, they
may do so whenever they play.
Pepper Ann (angrily) : Why did you even let me play then?!
Dieter (defensivley) : I thought you would lose!
Pepper Ann : This is so stupid. How do you even know this?
Dieter (getting up from his seat) : Be very cautious
Pepper Ann, just be sure to Ausschau der Ärger. (he leaves).
(Pepper Ann's reflection appears on the table)
Reflection : Well it doesn't hurt to be extra wary.
Pepper Ann : Oh come on! Those were just dumb nerd legends!
Reflection : But you love nerd legends!
Pepper Ann : She was probably being overly friendly. I heard
Canadians were known to be like that.
Reflection : She looked really mad.
Pepper Ann (angrily) Hey...
Reflection : What? I'm just said...
Pepper Ann (calling out) Dieter you big freeloader! You left
me the bill again! (she runs out the shop in hot pursuit)
Ice Cream dude (to P.A) : Hey, Hey! (defeated) Aw not again,
if only I cared. (He takes a big handful of money from
one of the cash registers and walks away.)
(New scene: Pepper Ann comes home, Steve leaps in her arms)
Pepper Ann : Hey Steve, what's wrong buddy?
Lydia (from the kitchen) : Welcome home Peppie! Come on in the
kitchen, you have a visitor!
(Steve leaps out of P.A's arms and bolts upstairs)
Pepper Ann : Maybe its Milo, probably wants to hear the story.
(P.A enters the kitchen, she screams as she sees Shawndelle
McKnight sitting on a stool drinking a cup of tea. Moose is
watching her anxiously.)
Lydia (tiredly) : Oh Peppie, its lasagna there's not a thing
in here you don't like! (She sticks it in the oven) Honestly,
you would think I was making swill with the sound of your
unexpected screams.
(Shawndelle gets up from her seat and approaches P.A)
Pepper Ann (wary) : How did you know I lived here?
Shawndelle (sweetly) : Just bring you bouncy Canadian souvenir.
(she gives P.A a small rubber ball with the Canadian flag on it)
It bounce high. Now I need to go back to hotel.
(she waves politely to Lydia) Thank you for tea mother of
Pepper Ann, all the best eh? (she leaves)
Lydia : What a sweet girl, a bit demented but sweet none the less;
especially that adorable Canadian accent!
Pepper Ann (perplexed) : Uh, yeah.
(Pepper Ann is going up to her room)
Pepper Ann (optimistic) : Heh, she was probably showing that
there were no hard feelings. (she tosses the ball and catches it)
(Pepper Ann enters her room and screams. Her mirror is covered
with a message in black marker)
Message - Dys bee last day pryde smyl on u
(New scene : Its the next day at school. P.A and
Nicky are outside doing stretching exercises for gym)
Nicky (surprised) : Shawndelle McKnight?!
Pepper Ann : You know her?
Nicky : No but her family is known to be globally respected
mathematicians. It is interesting that a person from such
gene perfect parents could become so primitive; or perhaps
she developed a traumatizing inferiority complex that distanced
herself from her gifted family and encouraged her to pursue
her own dreams.
(They begin to do laps with the rest of the class)
Pepper Ann : I am agreeing with the answer all doctors in this
country go to to solve the problem of overly active kids;
she has ADD and needs a prescription of Ritalin.
Nicky : On a kinder note, did you hear Milo made it to
the finals?
Pepper Ann : Really? Why didn't I hear....
(Pepper Ann screams as she is hoisted from the ground, she is
dangling upside down from the highest branch of a tree from
a length of rope)
Nicky : Pepper Ann!
(the class murmurs nervously as they watch Pepper Ann dangle
in the tree)
Pepper Ann : Please, someone, get me down!
(a squirrel scampers toward P.A and suddenly crawls
through one of her shirt sleeves, chittering casually)
Pepper Ann : Oh, Fuzzy, no! Out, out!
(P.A freaks as she tries to get the squirrel out by twisting
and flailing making the rope sway more)
Noah (pointing) : Oh no! She's gonna fall!
(The class then sees P.A's gym shirt fall, the squirrel
struggles out of it and scurries away. The class
looks up the tree, gasps erupt)
(New scene: P.A and Milo are in Mr. Finky's class)
Pepper Ann (hiding her face) : They just had to rub it in
by calling it a "Pearson Encore".
Milo : You think Shawndelle had anything to do with it?
Pepper Ann : Definitely. I'm gonna have to stay alert.
Even sleep with one eye open if I have to.
Milo (shuddering) : I'd hate to be up against her, she
advanced to the finals as well, it's not going to be pretty.
Pepper Ann : Say, how come you did not tell me about you
qualifying for the finals?
Milo : I don't know, it sort of slipped my mind. I guess
I'm freaking over that crazy girl too much.
Mr. Finky : Alright cats, we're gonna finish up on the
resume set-up. Nothin' says "Hire me" like a clean and
informative resume.
(He plugs in the overhead projector and turns off the lights)
Mr. Finky : The trick is to supply your references like
a honest hard worker, or lie really, really well.
(he turns on the projector, instead of a sample resume
it is a note from Pepper Ann to Milo envisioned to the
whole class)
Note - MILO CAN YOU ASK NICKY IF I LEFT ONE OF MY UNDIES
AT HER HOUSE THE LAST TIME I SLEPT OVER? AND HAS EVERYONE
FORGOT ABOUT BATHING? I'VE BEEN SMELLING NOTHING BUT B.O,
B.O AND A HELPING OF B.O ALL DAY. (HINT HINT: CISSY AND
MR. FINKY) I THINK IT'S CLOUDING MY JUDGEMENT WITH ITS
RANKNESS. SICK!
- P.A
P.S - YOU THINK CRAIG WOULD ASK ME TO GO OUT WITH HIM TO
A HOCKEY GAME?
(snickers are heard around the whole class, Cissy sinks
into her seat)
Pepper Ann (to Milo) : What are you trying to do?
Milo (shocked) : I swear I didn't do anything! It was in my book,
I have no idea how it got up there!
Mr. Finky (crying) : I...I only forgot to put some on today!
Only one day! It was just one day! (He runs off sobbing)
Pepper Ann (putting a hand over her eyes) : Oh its gonna
get worse. I just know it!
(Multiple scenes depicting Shawndelle's terror throughout the
week for P.A is merciless:
-Shawndelle dumping a full ashtray onto P.A and Nicky's pizza
at Greasy and Cheesy's.
-One of P.A's training bras is at the top of the school flagpole
-Shawndelle pushing P.A into some mud, P.A walking through
the halls with a huge brown smear on her rear with people
whispering and glancing as she walks off
-Shawndelle is walking swiftly past some lockers in search
of P.A, after a few seconds P.A emerges from a locker and
runs the opposite way
-A locker inspection is taking place. Mr. Clapper approaches
P.A's locker as it opens Mr. Clapper's mouth drops open
as he sees an empty bottle of rye and a stack of some
suggestive magazines. P.A tries to explain. She is then
seen sitting sadly waiting to be seen by Hickey. Vera
takes a peek at some of the pin-ups in the magazines.)
New Scene : P.A is in her science class, she's rummaging
through her bag
Pepper Ann (stressed) : Oh come on, please be here...
(she looks up just in time to see Shawndelle zip past
the classroom, P.A bolts out of her desk and goes after her)
Pepper Ann (angrily) : Shawndelle!
(Shawndelle stops walking and stares. P.A catches up to her.)
Pepper Ann (pleadingly) : Look, this is getting way to nuts.
Do whatever you want to make even more of a hyper dork
out of me, but please, PLEASE! Let me have that essay back,
its worth twenty percent of my mark and I'd really, really
like to complete this class with a decent mark without Carter
increasing my inferiority complex toward my future.
(Shawndelle seems to show some compassion, however; she
steps to a door that says "Boys Locker Room" and opens
it. She tosses the essay inside.)
Shawndelle : Go and get it.
Pepper Ann (confidently) : Ha, Nice try! I know for a fact
that there is no gym classes during this time! (she points
a mocking finger in Shawndelle's face) Yes! In your face!
(P.A confidently strides into the locker room, two seconds
of silence are followed by male screams of terror and embarrassment)
Shawndelle : Wrestling tryouts early by one day! Now who the
certain one eh? So in your face! (she walks off)
New Scene : P.A, Nicky and Milo are walking the hallways.
Many guys are glaring at P.A as she passes.
Some dude (mortified) : You sick pervert.
Another guy (hurt) : Have you no pride?
Nameless guy (spiteful) : Its so like girls, they're all
the same!
Pepper Ann : I can say that these six days will be added
to the book under "Consecutive Days of Unnecessary Embarrassment"
chapter of my life. (satirical) How about she finish it all off by
ripping my heart out and putting it in a bird-feeder huh?
At least I wouldn't suffer as much.
Nicky : Her grudge against you is frightening Pepper Ann,
I think you should really consider telling someone about her.
(Two girls walk by the trio)
Girl 1 : No way am I buying today's lunch. Way too weird.
Girl 2 : Fish sticks a la Steve? What's the Steve anyway?
(Pepper Ann freezes)
Pepper Ann and Nicky (unision) : No!
Milo : Alright fishsticks! (realizes what was said) Oh horror!
Pepper Ann (panicky) : She is crazy!
(All three bolt to the cafeteria, P.A plows through the doors)
Pepper Ann (yelling) : NOOOOOOOOO!
(People at their tables turn and stare at P.A)
Pepper Ann (in near tears) : Shawndelle! Spare Steve, oh for
the love of God, spare my cat!
(Shawndelle appears behind the cafeteria serving station)
Shawndelle : You too late! I about to add it to first batch!
Milo (seething) : You monster!
Nicky : This is not Shanghai you psycho!
Shawndelle (smiling evilly) : Best part is you get to watch!
(P.A gasps as Shawndelle kneels to pick something up,
suspenseful seconds tick by; people at tables stop to
watch as well)
Shawndelle (triumphantly) : Your pride be crushed like you
crush mine, Pepper Ann!
(Shawndelle suddenly brings up a litter box with "Steve"
printed on it, she is dumping the sandy clumps into
the fish sticks)
Milo (just screamin') : NOOOOOO!
Pepper Ann (after some silence) : Okay, I'm glad my cat's
fine but that is still really gross.
(Mortification spreads throughout the cafeteria as they
witness this insanity. Shawndelle walks toward Pepper Ann)
Shawndelle : This not the end of punishment, expect
greater misfortune in your future.
(Milo steps between Shawndelle and P.A)
Milo (Yelling) : Alright, that's enough! Your childish
grudge stops here Shawndelle! I'm sick of you getting my
friend into trouble and making her feel like garbage!
AND I am very upset that you wasted ten pounds of
fish sticks! Your reign of terror ends now! So she beat
you at a dumb game that's no excuse to act like some
spiteful Amazon woman, stalking her and relishing in
her misery! You're just a big, intimidating badger-lady!
(Shawndelle then leans in and gives Milo a kiss on
his cheek bone. Confused murmurs go through the cafeteria)
Pepper Ann (hushed) : The Kiss of Shame!
Milo (glaring) : Fine! I accept your dumb warning! But let
me tell you something missy, when I beat you during the
finals tomorrow your gonna be cryin' back to Canada regretting
you ever used your destructive lips on another player!
Shawndelle : I see you at tournament, tomorrow, emotional fool.
(she stalks off swiftly; everyone inside the cafeteria begins
to talk with perplex ion)
(New Scene: A spinning school newspaper appears, as it stops
it reads:
Milo Challenges Insane Canadian Chick In Fit Of Rage
- Crunch-Pod Finals Will Have Sparks Flying
(It shows a b&w picture of an angry Milo playing Crunch-Pod)
(Another spinning newspaper appears, as it stops it reads:
Milo Defends Friend In Fit Of Rage - Its Time That She
Lay Off Of Pepper Ann
(shows pictures of a snarling Milo and Pepper Ann looking
quite surprised)
(Yet another spinning newspaper appears, it stops, reads:
Milo Eats Bowl Of Soup In Fit Of Rage - "Hey, It's Just Soup,
I Like It," Milo States.
(shows a picture of Milo furiously eating a bowl of soup)
New Scene : Brain Dead. Everyone, including the defeated
international players, are waiting for the final match to
begin. Arcade guy approaches; he raises a hand for silence
before speaking into a megaphone.
Arcade Guy : Our two finalists Milo Kamalani and Shawndelle
McKnight of Canada will now begin. I ask for complete silence
and cooperation from the spectators for this match please.
(To Milo and Shawndelle, removing the megaphone from his face)
You may begin the carnage, I mean, game.
Shawndelle (coolly to Milo) : You already have one foot in grave.
Milo : We'll see about that.
(They plunk their quarters in unison and begin to play)
Nicky (quietly) : Wow. This is crazy.
Pepper Ann (her back is to the match) : Oh why did he have
to stick up for me? Something bad's gonna happen I
just know it! Oh, I can see the bloodshed, Milo's gonna
share my curse and we'll be forever outcasts eating from
society's landfills and Taco Bell.
Nicky : Milo is your friend Pepper Ann, he couldn't stand
seeing you being in such unnecessary turmoil. But to be
honest I think the fish stick fatalities just put him over
the edge a little too far.
(Milo is growling loudly as he plays)
Some tough guy : Now THIS is a fight!
(Milo and Shawndelle are playing madly, two hours have already
ticked by. The crowd gets a bit smaller as the play longer.
Another hour flies by, Arcade guy looks at his watch, many
people are sitting down to watch the game. One more hour
drifts away, Milo is dangerously close to being beaten)
Shawndelle (calmly) : Goodbye.
(she taps some buttons; all seems lost)
Milo (yelling defiantly) : Crunch this you callous female!
(he twitches the joystick swiftly and pounds some buttons,
a double K.O is the result)
Pink Eye Pete (amazed) : Its over! It's finally over!
(everyone jerks awake to the reality and lean in to see
who is the victor, they stare and wait for the scores
to tally - both ten digit scores are exactly the same)
Nicky : That cannot be, it's impossible!
Lamar : No way! After all that?
Milo (sighing tiredly, he turns to Shawndelle) : That was
an intense game, I'm kinda glad a draw resulted this. We...
Shawndelle : NO! There is no such thing as tie in Crunch-Pod
in book! Rematch!
(the crowd murmurs in disgust and reluctance)
Milo : Come on Shawndelle, let's just leave it this way.
Shawndelle (furious) : I except no tie! They're are either
winner or loser! Tie is what you do to make knots. Rematch!
Milo : Hey, I'm not playing another game! We're both tired,
it has been decided, lets just go on home.
(Shawndelle removes her joystick club from nowhere)
Shawndelle : Stubborn fool! You except rematch or you
welcome death!
(she leaps at Milo, club raised)
Pepper Ann (scared) : Milo!
Male Voice : Shawndelle Kathleen McKnight!
(Everyone turns their heads to see a man in a dirty suit
approach, Shawndelle freezes as she is millimeters from
clubbing Milo)
Shawndelle (confused) : Father?
Mr. McKnight : Oh for God's sake girl! (he snatches the club
from her hands) Don't you realize how long I have been chasing
you from one part of the world to another for you to give up
this silly game and finally come home?
Shawndelle : I can't go home till I be great champion.
Mr. McKnight : You listen to me now, all this video game
nonsense is going to stop right now! I thought I was
encouraging your interests when you took up this hobby
but the only thing those demon machines succeeded in
were stealing five years of my daughter's life!
(he wipes tears from his eyes)
Shawndelle (coldly) : You're weak tears are embarrassing me.
Mr. McKnight : Well now that I have finally caught up with
you you're coming home with me; back to Churchill. (he
quickly slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Shawndelle's arm
and his own)
Shawndelle (defiantly) : We see 'bout that!
Mr. McKnight : I am also going to register you for school!
Education will clense this corruption!
Shawndelle (trying to struggle away) : No! No! School is
for the weak!
Mr. McKnight (to the whole crowd) : I'm very sorry of all the
trouble we have caused here, my regrets are indescribable
but sincere.
(Mr. McKnight begins to drag Shawndelle with him to the door)
Mr. McKnight : And to be sure the healing prevails,
I'm putting you under strict house arrest; including
regular supervision and a 24-hour tracking device installed
to your leg.
Pink Eye Pete : Like Oprah?
Mr. McKnight : Yes, but for different reasons.
(Shawndelle struggles through the door way, she turns
her head and faces the crowd)
Shawndelle : I come back! You see! I get my rematch!
I make you sorry you ever were born Milo and Pepper Ann!
(her dad finally drags her away)
(An awkward silence fills Brain Dead)
Arcade guy (megaphone) : Due to the totally screwed up nature
of this match the judges declare Milo Kamalani to be the winner.
(Everyone whoops and cheers, Milo is given a small silver
trophy in the shape of a game machine)
Nicky : So Milo, has nearly five hours of playing steered
you a way from Crunch-Pod?
Milo : Well, maybe until tomorrow.
Pepper Ann : Let's just head straight home and look
forward to a hopefully sane day tomorrow.
(the crowd begins to leave for their homes, Arcade guy is
looking a bit angry as he looks at his watch)
Arcade Guy : Lousy kids, they made me miss Dark Angel;
she looked so sad in that last episode. She just needs
some human love.
Pink Eye Pete (passing by) : Dude, get cable.
End
an episode script. I figured it would be a bit more fun this way
as the reader can picture it to be an actual episode.
* This is mere fictitious fun and not a real P.A transcript from Disney, it is
a simple creation by an un-original fan (i.e me) of the show.
All P.A characters are owned by Disney *blah blah blah, trademark, copyright,
purple monkey* and were only used for this story for amusement, and
have not been demeaned in any freakishly, inhumane way.
Crunch-Pod Deuce
(Milo is tucked in his bed; Pepper Ann is fluffing one of his pillows)
Milo: P.A it's 8 p.m. I'm not even tired.
Pepper Ann: Well you know Milo, those helpful Crunch-Pod
Karma spirits won't infiltrate your house with positive
confidence building dreams unless you're asleep nice and early.
(She leans toward Milo and points to his ceiling)
Why, they may be on the roof as we speak.
Milo (sitting up) : Look, you are getting too...
Pepper Ann (forcing him to lie down): You know good little
Crunch-Pod players get magic winner dust as a reward for
being so loyal and respectful to Crunch-Pod.
Milo (interested) : Oh? What happens to bad little Crunch-Pod players?
Pepper Ann (threateningly) : They shave their eyebrows
and use their bodies as human shields against rabid clowns.
(Milo sighs and gets out of bed, he is still in his day clothes)
Milo: Look P.A, you don't have to be so wierd about this.
I know being a participant in the International Crunch-Pod
Tournament is a big step for me but you don't have to be
all "Beauty Pageant Mom" on me.
Pepper Ann (a bit gloomy) : I'm sorry Milo, I guess I am still
feeling bad from that past experience when I nearly
destroyed our friendship with my sassy dynamics. I never
want to unknowingly steal another human's spotlight again.
Milo (understanding) : Don't sweat it! That happened a long
time ago, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over bad
experiences. All that worrying causes cankers ya know.
Pepper Ann (a bit oblivious): If it makes it easier I
won't even bring a single quarter to Brain Dead! Would
ten feet be a good distance away from you as you play?
Milo : Pepper Ann, haven't you been listening?
I really do not care about winning this, I just see it
as a great honour to even be in the Internationals.
(He puts his hand over his heart)
Competing against fellow Crunch-Pod freaks from around the
world is plenty of an endorphic rush, and that is a great reward.
Pepper Ann (smiling) : Yeah... (she reverses to being forceful)
Okay! Get in bed champ! ( she tries to push Milo into bed)
Milo (annoyed) : P.A, don't make me call my mom...
Pepper Ann (promptly) : See you tomorrow! (she zips out of
Milo's room)
New Scene: It's after school and swarms of students are
advancing toward Brain Dead. A radio announcement plays in
the background as the students stampede.
Announcer: Hey kids! If you're up for some fun, or an excuse
not to make dinner, Hazelnut is honoured to be the location of
this year's International Crunch-Pod Tournament. Come on down to
Brain Dead to see players from around the world. This will be
Hazelnut's Milo Kamalani's first time participating in this special
event. Will he be the first American to win this greatly respected
tournament? That would be nice, seeing as my compulsive gambling
addiction has made me bet my house on this thing. Well, best of luck
to you Milo!
(Close up on running students)
Lamar: You think Milo could win?
Some guy : Don't know. But he should at least get into the finals.
(People enter Brain Dead. Milo is playing against a Japanese girl
while Dieter is hovering behind them.)
Dieter (hyper-happy) : Go racy Milo, the Crunch-Pod Wizard!
(Dieter looks to his right and suddenly runs off,
Pepper Ann pursues him with a net.)
(The match is no real surprise; Milo beats the girl without
a problem.)
Japanese girl (a bit teary) : Mageta...watashida!
Subtitles - [ I lost!]
Milo (giving a respectful bow): Thank you for being my challenger
Takeko, you were a great opponent.
Japanese girl (cheering up) : Domo! Makotono Senshino!
(she returns the bow)
Subtitles - [ Thanks! You're a true player!]
(Pepper Ann runs up to Milo as the girl skips off)
Pepper Ann: Woo! Here comes hurricane Milo! (she slaps Milo
on the back lightly) Keep this streak up and you'll be in the
finals next week! (she imitates some hurricane "noises")
Swish! Foooosh! Splash! Destroy 90 homes on Florida's coast!
(the Arcade guy blows a whistle, he begins to speak through
a megaphone)
Arcade guy: Okay! Break time! The Tournament will continue
in 30 minutes! Players may still practice on machines
at this time; and when I find out which one of you little twits
keyed my Lincoln your going to be looking for a new place
to loiter your sorry moneyless selves!
(Milo and P.A suddenly turn their heads as they hear a
familiar voice.)
Dieter (hyper-happy) : Milo Milo! You have skill!
Strike the weak, play to kill! Way to great to take a tie!
Show no mercy, make them cry! You're the player with real class!
Roll your sleeves and kick some -
(Pepper Ann runs up to Dieter and punches him hard
in the back.)
Pepper Ann : Will you stop that!
Dieter: Yaaaaah!
Milo (rolls his eyes) : Oh come on P.A everyone and their
grandma knows what rhymes with 'class'. You shouldn't get
so offended, I mean, we are twelve.
Dieter : Why did you hit me?
Pepper Ann : He's too squirrelly.
Dieter (getting irritated) : Why did you hit me?!
Pepper Ann (challenging) : Where's your brain?
Dieter: I asked you first!
Pepper Ann : I had to sedate you from your wild display
of embarrassing insanity, people are trying to play here.
Dieter (a bit forlorn) : You didn't have to hit me so hard...
Pepper Ann (feeling guilty) : Aw...come on, I didn't
hit you. I... I lightly touched you with a closed fist.
(Dieter glares at her)
Pepper Ann (changing the subject) : Woa, Look at that spread!
(she indicates a table with lots of food) Refreshments! Woo!
(she grabs Dieter and Milo's arms and runs toward the table)
Pepper Ann: This is convenient. I'm glad I didn't trouble myself
from robbing Moose's change from her desk; she really puts up
a fight you know! (she practically rips a loaf of bread in half
with her hands, she is in mid bite when she hears crying. All
three watch a boy running away from a crowded Crunch-Pod machine)
Boy (sobbing): Oh why... she just had to humiliate me in
front of my parents, and on my barmitzvah, to!
(cries louder)
(the parents follow)
Kid's dad: My god son! What kind of stunt was that?
Girl's Voice: Alright! Next! Need challenger! Now!
(the crowd is reluctant)
(Milo, P.A and Dieter move their heads a bit and finally
see a tough yet lanky looking girl with long, scruffy, brown
hair and dressed in jean shorts and a white shirt that says
"Fierce Kitty")
Milo: Woa... Who's the Courtney Love?
Dieter: That's Shawndelle McKnight, the Vicious
Canadian Diva; she has won the International Championship
three times in a row! (He eats some stuff on a toothpick)
Hey this is lobster. (he eats more)
Milo (crosses his arms, interested): Hmm, really?
Pepper Ann (just finishing some cake): That good huh? (she
watches Shawndelle's playing with curiosity)
Dieter : They say she was raised by hard working parents
that wanted a latch key child instead of a responsibility,
However, one day she took to the deep Manitoba forests in her
backyard with only a tv and a portable Crunch-Pod game.
(We fade to see Shawndelle bounding from a house with a tv
in her arms and a handheld game in her teeth. She is then
seen playing Crunch-Pod without blinking in a dirty little
shack. Dieter still narrates)
Dieter: She lived and breathed games and she robbed electronic
shops in the dead of the night whenever she could. She rarely
came in contact with people for she had acquired the feral
behaviour of nature's animals.
(Shawndelle runs from two approaching people, snarling)
Dieter: And if people persisted to help her become a part
of normal society, she had nature help her battle to keep
her anti-social freedom.
(We see a bunch of people running away screaming as they are
pursued by giant woodland animals à la Princess Mononoke,
Shawndelle is even dressed like San)
Shawndelle: Hiyaaaah!
Milo (skeptical: Oh come on Dieter as if that would happen!
Pepper Ann : Shhh, Milo this is getting good. Keep on going
Dieter, I wanna hear more about Hermit Girl.
Milo (sighs) : I told you not to give him that movie!
Dieter (clears throat) : With solitude and electronic friendship
at her side, she lived peacefully. Until three years ago, she attained
the great desire of defeating other humans in electronic combat.
She left the safety of her home and headed out to become the best.
(Shawndelle has her arms raised in victory in a cloudy pose
with defeated players at her feet in collapsed poses)
Dieter: Addicted to winning like an, um, addiction she
kept playing throughout the world; no one has of yet
seen her loose a game.
(Shawndelle is looking at a sunrise from a large cliff, with
a real determined look on her face)
(We go back to reality)
Milo (laughs) : Come on, those are just rumors, she
can't be that crazy.
Pepper Ann (munching some peanuts) : Guess you'll find out
when you play her Milo.
Dieter (eating a bunch of crackers) : She does have the temper.
(Shawndelle goes catty to some poor sap.)
Shawndelle: You too easy! You suck! You suckity-suck-suck!
(Milo then looks down at the depleting table of food, he
notices a card. It reads: Reserved For Shawndelle
McKnight and Guests With Invitation)
Milo (worried) : Um...P.A? (He tries to show her the card)
(Pepper Ann obliviously opens a can of Chill-Ade, Dieter
swipes the nuts from her)
Pepper Ann: What? You want a sip Milo?
( A huge club in the shape of a joystick smashes down on the table,
Pepper Ann and Dieter scream, Shawndelle McKnight holds the
club threateningly to them, glaring madly)
Shawndelle (Yelling) : You! Why you take my food? You are no
tournament player, I see no invitation!
Pepper Ann (whispering to Dieter) : You were not kidding about
her being isolated, she talks like a neanderthal and smells
like a sewage plant.
Shawndelle (pointing her club at P.A) : Hey! I hear you!
And that no smell of sewage, it Heaven from The Gap!
(The international players and school students have
gathered around to watch the ruckus)
Shawndelle (furious) : Three time champion deserve food on break!
You no help by eating it! What you going to do about it, eh?
Maybe I should club you like disobedient seals, that be okay
punishment for trouble makers.
(Pepper Ann and Dieter cower. Milo approaches Shawndelle)
Milo : Hey, they didn't mean to do this. It's kind of their friendly
way of saying, "Hey, let's welcome our visitors by eating their food."
(Shawndelle gracefully swings the club like a baton, she is glaring
viciously at Milo. Pepper Ann steps between them)
Pepper Ann (somewhat uneasy) : Hey Shawndelle, we are all
intelligent people here, what say we solve this ourselves without the
violence hmm? I admit we were inconsiderate the way we ate nearly
all your food so I'll tell you what ... um... (she thinks for a
few seconds, the game machines spark an idea) How about a
simple game? No one gets hurt and we can have a bit of fun,
if I win, we can put this whole food thing behind us, if you win ...
Shawndelle (interrupting) : Take me to nice sunny spot. Look ,
(She shows her pale white arm) I pale as Englishman. Want
nice UV causing colour.
Pepper Ann (happily) : I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Shawndelle (cracking her knuckles) : I never lose.
Milo (low voice) : You think you can beat her?
Pepper Ann : I doubt it, just talking to her has me believe
that her attention span is identical to Cissy's; she'll forget
everything that happened here in a second due to the flashing lights
of the game. (P.A smiles) Win or lose, I'll be fine.
Milo (awed) : Smooth.
(The girls begin to play)
Aussie guy player (to a French guy player) : Five yank dollars
says this match will be as mickey mouse as a Renault.
French player (insulted) : Hmph! Gros Malin!
Subtitles - Wise guy!
(Several minutes go by as the girls continue to play, a double
K.O is then the result. As the scores appear, Pepper Ann has
beaten Shawndelle by fifty points. The crowd gasps with
great surprise)
French player : Elle gange d'un but!
Subtitles - She won by a goal!
Pepper Ann (seeing that she has won): Cool!
(Shawndelle is stupefied that she has lost, she stares at P.A,
she approaches her and narrows her eyes. She places one hand on
P.A's face softly, Shawndelle then leans in and gives P.A
a small kiss on her cheek bone)
(All the international players gasp frightfully as they see this)
A Jamaican female player (mournfully) : Oh why did she have to win...
Milo (confused) : Wha?
Arcade guy (megaphone) : Okay! Break is over! The tournament
will resume in two minutes!
(P.A is very confused; she touches the cheek that was kissed.
Shawndelle still stares at her)
Dieter (screaming) : OH NO!!!!!
(Dieter runs toward P.A and grabs her arm, he runs out of Brain
Dead with P.A trying to keep up)
Dieter : You have to run and hide Pepper Ann! Find the best
hiding places you know of!
Pepper Ann : What? Why? Hey, it was not a real...
Dieter : You have just been given the Kiss of Shame!
Pepper Ann : Kiss of Shame?!
(as they run Dieter screeches to a halt in front of Freezy Pleasy's,
he deliberates for a second before dragging Pepper Ann inside)
Pepper Ann : Woa!
(They are sitting down at a booth discussing the recent events
over ice cream)
Dieter : Canadians have very big prides, Pepper Ann, when a
complete stranger defeats them it is very dishonouring; they
would rather accept death then face such a humiliation.
Pepper Ann : I see this has to do with the Kiss of Shame, right?
Dieter : Ya! If a Crunch-Pod player feels she has been inhumanely
disgraced she is allowed to give an opponent the Kiss of Shame,
which means that she will plague trouble and misfortune onto that
opponent until her pride has been mended.
Pepper Ann : It's not as if I won the Tournament or something.
Dieter : It doesn't matter, if they feel threatened, they
may do so whenever they play.
Pepper Ann (angrily) : Why did you even let me play then?!
Dieter (defensivley) : I thought you would lose!
Pepper Ann : This is so stupid. How do you even know this?
Dieter (getting up from his seat) : Be very cautious
Pepper Ann, just be sure to Ausschau der Ärger. (he leaves).
(Pepper Ann's reflection appears on the table)
Reflection : Well it doesn't hurt to be extra wary.
Pepper Ann : Oh come on! Those were just dumb nerd legends!
Reflection : But you love nerd legends!
Pepper Ann : She was probably being overly friendly. I heard
Canadians were known to be like that.
Reflection : She looked really mad.
Pepper Ann (angrily) Hey...
Reflection : What? I'm just said...
Pepper Ann (calling out) Dieter you big freeloader! You left
me the bill again! (she runs out the shop in hot pursuit)
Ice Cream dude (to P.A) : Hey, Hey! (defeated) Aw not again,
if only I cared. (He takes a big handful of money from
one of the cash registers and walks away.)
(New scene: Pepper Ann comes home, Steve leaps in her arms)
Pepper Ann : Hey Steve, what's wrong buddy?
Lydia (from the kitchen) : Welcome home Peppie! Come on in the
kitchen, you have a visitor!
(Steve leaps out of P.A's arms and bolts upstairs)
Pepper Ann : Maybe its Milo, probably wants to hear the story.
(P.A enters the kitchen, she screams as she sees Shawndelle
McKnight sitting on a stool drinking a cup of tea. Moose is
watching her anxiously.)
Lydia (tiredly) : Oh Peppie, its lasagna there's not a thing
in here you don't like! (She sticks it in the oven) Honestly,
you would think I was making swill with the sound of your
unexpected screams.
(Shawndelle gets up from her seat and approaches P.A)
Pepper Ann (wary) : How did you know I lived here?
Shawndelle (sweetly) : Just bring you bouncy Canadian souvenir.
(she gives P.A a small rubber ball with the Canadian flag on it)
It bounce high. Now I need to go back to hotel.
(she waves politely to Lydia) Thank you for tea mother of
Pepper Ann, all the best eh? (she leaves)
Lydia : What a sweet girl, a bit demented but sweet none the less;
especially that adorable Canadian accent!
Pepper Ann (perplexed) : Uh, yeah.
(Pepper Ann is going up to her room)
Pepper Ann (optimistic) : Heh, she was probably showing that
there were no hard feelings. (she tosses the ball and catches it)
(Pepper Ann enters her room and screams. Her mirror is covered
with a message in black marker)
Message - Dys bee last day pryde smyl on u
(New scene : Its the next day at school. P.A and
Nicky are outside doing stretching exercises for gym)
Nicky (surprised) : Shawndelle McKnight?!
Pepper Ann : You know her?
Nicky : No but her family is known to be globally respected
mathematicians. It is interesting that a person from such
gene perfect parents could become so primitive; or perhaps
she developed a traumatizing inferiority complex that distanced
herself from her gifted family and encouraged her to pursue
her own dreams.
(They begin to do laps with the rest of the class)
Pepper Ann : I am agreeing with the answer all doctors in this
country go to to solve the problem of overly active kids;
she has ADD and needs a prescription of Ritalin.
Nicky : On a kinder note, did you hear Milo made it to
the finals?
Pepper Ann : Really? Why didn't I hear....
(Pepper Ann screams as she is hoisted from the ground, she is
dangling upside down from the highest branch of a tree from
a length of rope)
Nicky : Pepper Ann!
(the class murmurs nervously as they watch Pepper Ann dangle
in the tree)
Pepper Ann : Please, someone, get me down!
(a squirrel scampers toward P.A and suddenly crawls
through one of her shirt sleeves, chittering casually)
Pepper Ann : Oh, Fuzzy, no! Out, out!
(P.A freaks as she tries to get the squirrel out by twisting
and flailing making the rope sway more)
Noah (pointing) : Oh no! She's gonna fall!
(The class then sees P.A's gym shirt fall, the squirrel
struggles out of it and scurries away. The class
looks up the tree, gasps erupt)
(New scene: P.A and Milo are in Mr. Finky's class)
Pepper Ann (hiding her face) : They just had to rub it in
by calling it a "Pearson Encore".
Milo : You think Shawndelle had anything to do with it?
Pepper Ann : Definitely. I'm gonna have to stay alert.
Even sleep with one eye open if I have to.
Milo (shuddering) : I'd hate to be up against her, she
advanced to the finals as well, it's not going to be pretty.
Pepper Ann : Say, how come you did not tell me about you
qualifying for the finals?
Milo : I don't know, it sort of slipped my mind. I guess
I'm freaking over that crazy girl too much.
Mr. Finky : Alright cats, we're gonna finish up on the
resume set-up. Nothin' says "Hire me" like a clean and
informative resume.
(He plugs in the overhead projector and turns off the lights)
Mr. Finky : The trick is to supply your references like
a honest hard worker, or lie really, really well.
(he turns on the projector, instead of a sample resume
it is a note from Pepper Ann to Milo envisioned to the
whole class)
Note - MILO CAN YOU ASK NICKY IF I LEFT ONE OF MY UNDIES
AT HER HOUSE THE LAST TIME I SLEPT OVER? AND HAS EVERYONE
FORGOT ABOUT BATHING? I'VE BEEN SMELLING NOTHING BUT B.O,
B.O AND A HELPING OF B.O ALL DAY. (HINT HINT: CISSY AND
MR. FINKY) I THINK IT'S CLOUDING MY JUDGEMENT WITH ITS
RANKNESS. SICK!
- P.A
P.S - YOU THINK CRAIG WOULD ASK ME TO GO OUT WITH HIM TO
A HOCKEY GAME?
(snickers are heard around the whole class, Cissy sinks
into her seat)
Pepper Ann (to Milo) : What are you trying to do?
Milo (shocked) : I swear I didn't do anything! It was in my book,
I have no idea how it got up there!
Mr. Finky (crying) : I...I only forgot to put some on today!
Only one day! It was just one day! (He runs off sobbing)
Pepper Ann (putting a hand over her eyes) : Oh its gonna
get worse. I just know it!
(Multiple scenes depicting Shawndelle's terror throughout the
week for P.A is merciless:
-Shawndelle dumping a full ashtray onto P.A and Nicky's pizza
at Greasy and Cheesy's.
-One of P.A's training bras is at the top of the school flagpole
-Shawndelle pushing P.A into some mud, P.A walking through
the halls with a huge brown smear on her rear with people
whispering and glancing as she walks off
-Shawndelle is walking swiftly past some lockers in search
of P.A, after a few seconds P.A emerges from a locker and
runs the opposite way
-A locker inspection is taking place. Mr. Clapper approaches
P.A's locker as it opens Mr. Clapper's mouth drops open
as he sees an empty bottle of rye and a stack of some
suggestive magazines. P.A tries to explain. She is then
seen sitting sadly waiting to be seen by Hickey. Vera
takes a peek at some of the pin-ups in the magazines.)
New Scene : P.A is in her science class, she's rummaging
through her bag
Pepper Ann (stressed) : Oh come on, please be here...
(she looks up just in time to see Shawndelle zip past
the classroom, P.A bolts out of her desk and goes after her)
Pepper Ann (angrily) : Shawndelle!
(Shawndelle stops walking and stares. P.A catches up to her.)
Pepper Ann (pleadingly) : Look, this is getting way to nuts.
Do whatever you want to make even more of a hyper dork
out of me, but please, PLEASE! Let me have that essay back,
its worth twenty percent of my mark and I'd really, really
like to complete this class with a decent mark without Carter
increasing my inferiority complex toward my future.
(Shawndelle seems to show some compassion, however; she
steps to a door that says "Boys Locker Room" and opens
it. She tosses the essay inside.)
Shawndelle : Go and get it.
Pepper Ann (confidently) : Ha, Nice try! I know for a fact
that there is no gym classes during this time! (she points
a mocking finger in Shawndelle's face) Yes! In your face!
(P.A confidently strides into the locker room, two seconds
of silence are followed by male screams of terror and embarrassment)
Shawndelle : Wrestling tryouts early by one day! Now who the
certain one eh? So in your face! (she walks off)
New Scene : P.A, Nicky and Milo are walking the hallways.
Many guys are glaring at P.A as she passes.
Some dude (mortified) : You sick pervert.
Another guy (hurt) : Have you no pride?
Nameless guy (spiteful) : Its so like girls, they're all
the same!
Pepper Ann : I can say that these six days will be added
to the book under "Consecutive Days of Unnecessary Embarrassment"
chapter of my life. (satirical) How about she finish it all off by
ripping my heart out and putting it in a bird-feeder huh?
At least I wouldn't suffer as much.
Nicky : Her grudge against you is frightening Pepper Ann,
I think you should really consider telling someone about her.
(Two girls walk by the trio)
Girl 1 : No way am I buying today's lunch. Way too weird.
Girl 2 : Fish sticks a la Steve? What's the Steve anyway?
(Pepper Ann freezes)
Pepper Ann and Nicky (unision) : No!
Milo : Alright fishsticks! (realizes what was said) Oh horror!
Pepper Ann (panicky) : She is crazy!
(All three bolt to the cafeteria, P.A plows through the doors)
Pepper Ann (yelling) : NOOOOOOOOO!
(People at their tables turn and stare at P.A)
Pepper Ann (in near tears) : Shawndelle! Spare Steve, oh for
the love of God, spare my cat!
(Shawndelle appears behind the cafeteria serving station)
Shawndelle : You too late! I about to add it to first batch!
Milo (seething) : You monster!
Nicky : This is not Shanghai you psycho!
Shawndelle (smiling evilly) : Best part is you get to watch!
(P.A gasps as Shawndelle kneels to pick something up,
suspenseful seconds tick by; people at tables stop to
watch as well)
Shawndelle (triumphantly) : Your pride be crushed like you
crush mine, Pepper Ann!
(Shawndelle suddenly brings up a litter box with "Steve"
printed on it, she is dumping the sandy clumps into
the fish sticks)
Milo (just screamin') : NOOOOOO!
Pepper Ann (after some silence) : Okay, I'm glad my cat's
fine but that is still really gross.
(Mortification spreads throughout the cafeteria as they
witness this insanity. Shawndelle walks toward Pepper Ann)
Shawndelle : This not the end of punishment, expect
greater misfortune in your future.
(Milo steps between Shawndelle and P.A)
Milo (Yelling) : Alright, that's enough! Your childish
grudge stops here Shawndelle! I'm sick of you getting my
friend into trouble and making her feel like garbage!
AND I am very upset that you wasted ten pounds of
fish sticks! Your reign of terror ends now! So she beat
you at a dumb game that's no excuse to act like some
spiteful Amazon woman, stalking her and relishing in
her misery! You're just a big, intimidating badger-lady!
(Shawndelle then leans in and gives Milo a kiss on
his cheek bone. Confused murmurs go through the cafeteria)
Pepper Ann (hushed) : The Kiss of Shame!
Milo (glaring) : Fine! I accept your dumb warning! But let
me tell you something missy, when I beat you during the
finals tomorrow your gonna be cryin' back to Canada regretting
you ever used your destructive lips on another player!
Shawndelle : I see you at tournament, tomorrow, emotional fool.
(she stalks off swiftly; everyone inside the cafeteria begins
to talk with perplex ion)
(New Scene: A spinning school newspaper appears, as it stops
it reads:
Milo Challenges Insane Canadian Chick In Fit Of Rage
- Crunch-Pod Finals Will Have Sparks Flying
(It shows a b&w picture of an angry Milo playing Crunch-Pod)
(Another spinning newspaper appears, as it stops it reads:
Milo Defends Friend In Fit Of Rage - Its Time That She
Lay Off Of Pepper Ann
(shows pictures of a snarling Milo and Pepper Ann looking
quite surprised)
(Yet another spinning newspaper appears, it stops, reads:
Milo Eats Bowl Of Soup In Fit Of Rage - "Hey, It's Just Soup,
I Like It," Milo States.
(shows a picture of Milo furiously eating a bowl of soup)
New Scene : Brain Dead. Everyone, including the defeated
international players, are waiting for the final match to
begin. Arcade guy approaches; he raises a hand for silence
before speaking into a megaphone.
Arcade Guy : Our two finalists Milo Kamalani and Shawndelle
McKnight of Canada will now begin. I ask for complete silence
and cooperation from the spectators for this match please.
(To Milo and Shawndelle, removing the megaphone from his face)
You may begin the carnage, I mean, game.
Shawndelle (coolly to Milo) : You already have one foot in grave.
Milo : We'll see about that.
(They plunk their quarters in unison and begin to play)
Nicky (quietly) : Wow. This is crazy.
Pepper Ann (her back is to the match) : Oh why did he have
to stick up for me? Something bad's gonna happen I
just know it! Oh, I can see the bloodshed, Milo's gonna
share my curse and we'll be forever outcasts eating from
society's landfills and Taco Bell.
Nicky : Milo is your friend Pepper Ann, he couldn't stand
seeing you being in such unnecessary turmoil. But to be
honest I think the fish stick fatalities just put him over
the edge a little too far.
(Milo is growling loudly as he plays)
Some tough guy : Now THIS is a fight!
(Milo and Shawndelle are playing madly, two hours have already
ticked by. The crowd gets a bit smaller as the play longer.
Another hour flies by, Arcade guy looks at his watch, many
people are sitting down to watch the game. One more hour
drifts away, Milo is dangerously close to being beaten)
Shawndelle (calmly) : Goodbye.
(she taps some buttons; all seems lost)
Milo (yelling defiantly) : Crunch this you callous female!
(he twitches the joystick swiftly and pounds some buttons,
a double K.O is the result)
Pink Eye Pete (amazed) : Its over! It's finally over!
(everyone jerks awake to the reality and lean in to see
who is the victor, they stare and wait for the scores
to tally - both ten digit scores are exactly the same)
Nicky : That cannot be, it's impossible!
Lamar : No way! After all that?
Milo (sighing tiredly, he turns to Shawndelle) : That was
an intense game, I'm kinda glad a draw resulted this. We...
Shawndelle : NO! There is no such thing as tie in Crunch-Pod
in book! Rematch!
(the crowd murmurs in disgust and reluctance)
Milo : Come on Shawndelle, let's just leave it this way.
Shawndelle (furious) : I except no tie! They're are either
winner or loser! Tie is what you do to make knots. Rematch!
Milo : Hey, I'm not playing another game! We're both tired,
it has been decided, lets just go on home.
(Shawndelle removes her joystick club from nowhere)
Shawndelle : Stubborn fool! You except rematch or you
welcome death!
(she leaps at Milo, club raised)
Pepper Ann (scared) : Milo!
Male Voice : Shawndelle Kathleen McKnight!
(Everyone turns their heads to see a man in a dirty suit
approach, Shawndelle freezes as she is millimeters from
clubbing Milo)
Shawndelle (confused) : Father?
Mr. McKnight : Oh for God's sake girl! (he snatches the club
from her hands) Don't you realize how long I have been chasing
you from one part of the world to another for you to give up
this silly game and finally come home?
Shawndelle : I can't go home till I be great champion.
Mr. McKnight : You listen to me now, all this video game
nonsense is going to stop right now! I thought I was
encouraging your interests when you took up this hobby
but the only thing those demon machines succeeded in
were stealing five years of my daughter's life!
(he wipes tears from his eyes)
Shawndelle (coldly) : You're weak tears are embarrassing me.
Mr. McKnight : Well now that I have finally caught up with
you you're coming home with me; back to Churchill. (he
quickly slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Shawndelle's arm
and his own)
Shawndelle (defiantly) : We see 'bout that!
Mr. McKnight : I am also going to register you for school!
Education will clense this corruption!
Shawndelle (trying to struggle away) : No! No! School is
for the weak!
Mr. McKnight (to the whole crowd) : I'm very sorry of all the
trouble we have caused here, my regrets are indescribable
but sincere.
(Mr. McKnight begins to drag Shawndelle with him to the door)
Mr. McKnight : And to be sure the healing prevails,
I'm putting you under strict house arrest; including
regular supervision and a 24-hour tracking device installed
to your leg.
Pink Eye Pete : Like Oprah?
Mr. McKnight : Yes, but for different reasons.
(Shawndelle struggles through the door way, she turns
her head and faces the crowd)
Shawndelle : I come back! You see! I get my rematch!
I make you sorry you ever were born Milo and Pepper Ann!
(her dad finally drags her away)
(An awkward silence fills Brain Dead)
Arcade guy (megaphone) : Due to the totally screwed up nature
of this match the judges declare Milo Kamalani to be the winner.
(Everyone whoops and cheers, Milo is given a small silver
trophy in the shape of a game machine)
Nicky : So Milo, has nearly five hours of playing steered
you a way from Crunch-Pod?
Milo : Well, maybe until tomorrow.
Pepper Ann : Let's just head straight home and look
forward to a hopefully sane day tomorrow.
(the crowd begins to leave for their homes, Arcade guy is
looking a bit angry as he looks at his watch)
Arcade Guy : Lousy kids, they made me miss Dark Angel;
she looked so sad in that last episode. She just needs
some human love.
Pink Eye Pete (passing by) : Dude, get cable.
End