Disclaimer: I do not own Bones, or any of its characters.
A/N This takes place sometime after Brennan tells Booth she wishes he wouldn't let her hug him when she gets scared in 02x11 Judas on a Pole. Probably the evening of the day they go out to celebrate Zack getting his doctorate.
She'd hugged him without even realising it was going to happen. That alone unnerved her enough. She was Doctor Temperance Brennan; the world's best forensic anthropologist and a best-selling author. She understood many things, but above all, she could usually pride herself on being the only person to truly understand her mind. Doing things that were not in her nature (such as allowing people to see her emotions) set her on edge.
More and more, she noticed herself hugging Booth whenever she got scared of something, and, as she'd previously told him, she really wished he wouldn't let her do it. Yet, each time he held her with the same tender embrace with the right amount of reassurance and support mixed with an almost hidden hint of intimacy. It didn't seem to matter how afraid she was, like even when she was facing the prospect of her brother's death, this seemed to sooth her. While she was far from aroused by it, letting herself collapse into him without fear of hitting the ground, smelling his scent, rocking to his heartbeat and sharing his body heat all seemed to ground her in a way she had never known before. Time almost seemed to slow down enough to give her space to breathe and reassess the situation. She knew that this was obviously impossible but she could not find the words to explain, in realistic terms how it felt to be like this with Seeley Booth. Although he had promised that if he ever got spooked he would ask the same of her she was not so sure. In truth, she found it difficult to imagine Booth ever feeling that way anymore. She figured being a sniper would make him immune to that. Emotionally, she could feel herself starting allow herself to depend on him which was why the hugging had to stop.
All through Brennan's life, as soon as she let people close enough and allowed herself to form attachments they all faded away. First her parents, then brother and not to mention the few men who had managed to elevate themselves to more than just the friends she would call when she felt the need for sexual release. Her team at the Jeffersonian had become the most permanent group to share her life since her folks abandoned her, but at least she knew they would not do the same. They needed her, to have a job, to learn and to live. Booth, however, was an exception. He was employed by the FBI and could ask to be assigned a new partner whenever he wanted. He did not need her, and she couldn't let him think she felt otherwise.
From the end of the sofa where he had fallen asleep eating take away he stirred moved his head slightly so that it flopped onto her shoulder. Their last case had drained them both so much both mentally and physically that she decided it would be best to let him rest. After all, as the case had involved her very own criminal family; she knew that her nights would be far from peaceful for weeks to come. Despite herself, she let her head nest on top of his and breathed in deeply. As much as it would have once pained her to say this about anyone, she had been glad that it was Booth working this case with her. He had fulfilled his duty as an agent while keeping her thoughts and feelings at the front of his mind. There were few who would have managed this is his position, and, she imagined, few who would have actually understood her thoughts as well as he had done.
"Oh, sorry, Bones. I didn't mean to fall asleep on you there." Brennan jumped. She had too lost in thought to notice that Booth had woken up. He wrenched himself up into a sitting position. "Sorry if I gave you a dead arm too."
"Booth, if meant by that that you hope you did not cut off the blood flow to my arm then you didn't. You were not there long enough and have a very light head."
"Is that good or bad? Actually Bones, don't answer that. himself up into a sitting position.
"Booth, if meant by that that you hope you did not cut off the blood flow to my arm then you didn't. You were not there long enough and have a very light head."
"Is that good or bad? Actually Bones, don't answer that. You'd only start speaking squint that I don't understand." Brennan's infectious giggle filled the room as she offered Booth a bottle of beer.
"You know," she said, popping the cap "I just wanted to thank you for all the help you've given me while we've been working together Booth, especially on this last case. I...I'm glad you're my partner."
The agent placed his hand supporting hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you're mine too, Bones. I like working with you. We're a team. You're good at the brain stuff and I'm the people person. That means I look out for you, Bones. I meant it when I said I'm your gun. I'll protect you. I'd protect you just as much even if you did carry a weapon because I care about you. I'm more reliable than them too. My aim's second-to-none, I only shoot with intent and I double as a shield. I don't ever want to fail you or let you down by accident." He shifted in his seat to turn to face her now. "And if that means that you come to me for a hug when you're scared or even me need me close to help you sleep then that's what I'm going to do, Bones."
Brennan smiled shyly and looked away from her friend. Here he was trying to nice, but she had to make him understand. "But you shouldn't do that, Booth. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to us." The last word caught in her throat as she turned to look at him. Next, the awkward questions would come and she would have to answer it now. Still, she owed him that much at least.
"What are you talking about?" It was more than just a question. It was heartfelt, even Temperance and her basic social skills could figure that much. His strong brow had furrowed and the question had reached his eyes. Over the last few years, he had managed to get her to open up which he considered an achievement. It was very clear that, although she was strong and independent, inside she was largely broken. What worried him was that his gut told him he had only just begun to scratch the surface. Even if they had missed their chance to be, he wanted nothing more than to fix the woman that he had come to consider is best friend. She deserved that at least. Someone should have done it long ago. People had clearly let her down. He prayed for her to be freed from her hurt sometimes, but he knew better than to tell her that.
She swallowed hard, "You shouldn't do that Booth, because if you do it too much, you might have to leave my life, like all the others. I let my own family got too close and ran from me. Then they came back and hurt me again. People I let in Booth, they don't stay. I don't think they can. That's why I don't hug them much, and why, when I do, I stay very rigid with my muscles tense so I can stop them if they try..." she trailed off and started running her thumb over her bottle top.
"But with you, Booth it's different." She carried on suddenly, her voice more confident now," I try and keep a grip on you, but I just can't. You're too free already. The second you hug me all my tension is freed and I don't think about anything else. Hugging you is like a reprieve from life and it's so nice. No one wants me to figure something out, to write a book or talk science. You don't expect me to talk or try and come to terms with these feelings; you just want me to exist. You're the only person to expect that of me and, as pleasing as that is, I can't risk losing you Booth; as a partner and as a friend." She met his gaze o show him that she was being serious.
Silently, Booth put down his drink and turned in his seat to face her square in the face "You listen here, Bones and you better listen good. There are people in your life that love you, I mean love you like you were their blood family. You and your squints and me, we are a family. We are your family. We are not going to run from you, you should know that. It hurts that you don't trust to stay because we will, and we'll all protect each other to the death and even after when it comes to finding the cause, Bones. We're in this for the long haul, so the least you can do is let us be.
"I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to the idea of me sticking around. I know that's hard for you to deal with and I'll help you with that. To want human contact, physical or not, is human nature. You're a forensic anthropologist, so you already know that. You just need to accept that when it comes to relationships and other people the same rules apply to you, too.
"Just like there are different kinds of family Bones, there are different kinds of hugs. Hugs are not just for upset people. Hugs SAY so many things. They say 'I love you', they say 'sorry'. They say 'I'm here for you' and they say 'thank you'.
!Sometimes, it's nice just to be hugged for no apparent reason other than that they are nice, you know? When was the last time you did that, Bones; hugged someone just because you wanted to, or let them do that for you?"
Brennan cleared her throat slightly and wiped the beginnings of a tear from her eye "I'm not sure I've ever done that." She admitted her voice barely a whisper. She dropped her head in a way that made her look almost ashamed.
"It's not too late to start ether." He turned back to his original sitting position, with his back resting on the back of the sofa and one arm stretched over it. "Let me hug you, Bones. Let me show you what I mean."
Slowly, she shifted into the crook of his arm and rested his head of her shoulder. "See Bones, this hug may seem like something you would do in a couple, but I'm giving it to you as a friend – you can tell because I'm not touching you anywhere else – like your shoulder – and you're not hugging me back, either."
She giggled "That I understand that Booth. If I was with you, then you would have more contact with me, and I with you, because that too, is human instinct. Human instincts I understand very well. In fact, I dare say that if you were doing it because you found me attractive, I should think your hand would be somewhere else right now," she giggled, grinning impishly.
"Hey! I'm not like that Bones! Even in that situation! I'm a gentleman."
"Human instinct, Booth" she teased and lifted her head slightly to drink. He mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'whatever', but Brennan was too busy chuckling at her own joke to care.
For a while, they sat in complete silence. Booth decided he should give her some time to comprehend what he had said. He hated having to say it, knowing that it would have probably upset her, but it had been something she had needed to hear for a long time that no one had dared tell her. He just hoped that she took note of what e had said. After all, he had meant what he said about her lack of trust in them not to stay in her life hurting him and the rest of the team, even if they did understand her reasons. Sweets would have probably been proud. Right now, he couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.
"Hey, Bones, you okay?" he asked eventually to no reply. He looked over at her to see if she was too lost inside her overly-large brain to hear him and found, that, in spite of everything that had happened in the last week, she had managed to fall asleep.