Because I can't get these two out of my head. Again, any mistakes are mine.
"He's stable."
Everyone in the waiting room lets out a collective sigh. I let out the breath that I didn't know I had been holding. I feel a tight squeeze on my left hand. I turn to Holly.
"Thank God," she says, her eyes shining.
"I know."
"Okay, officers," Frank continues, "we know he's out of the woods now, so let's go home, clean up, and get some rest alright? We need to get back out on the streets for our man down."
There's a lot of bumbling and clattering as the officers all slowly rise as one and start shuffling out. I remain seated. Holly doesn't move. Her hand's still in mine. It's warm and I like the way her hand fits in mine.
I lean back into the waiting chair and hang my head back. I close my eyes. I'm so exhausted that I don't even know how to put it into words. You know that feeling when your heart's so heavy and yet your mind's completely blank at the same time? Yeah, that feeling.
"Hey."
I open my eyes and see Holly smiling at me.
"I don't think that's the most comfortable position to be sleeping in."
"I know. I just…need a moment."
"Okay then," Holly leans back against her chair and mimics my position, "a moment it is."
Her hand's still in mine. I know I should still be worried for Chloe. And I am. But at the same time, my thoughts are on the woman next to me. She fought her way into the fort walls I built. I thought I closed them off forever. Especially after Nick left me. Again. For the second time.
But I'm really glad she's here. It's like a breath of fresh air having a friend outside of 15 Division. Don't get me wrong, I live for my job. I mean, how could I not? Being a Peck kind of requires a complete wholesomely unhealthy dedication to law enforcement. And because of that, my entire social life for the past years always existed within the division.
Then Holly came along. She changed the game. A game changer. You ever meet somebody and maybe you don't know it at first, but you start to realize that it's different with them? They make you feel things that you didn't know you could feel. They make you want to vomit at the same time they make you want to jump for glee.
"PECK!" My eyes snap open and I jump up from my seat, dropping Holly's hand in the process. Frank's walking towards me.
"Yes sir?"
"Go home. I don't want you here in this room anymore. Swarek's stable and there's nothing we can do for Price but wait to see what the doctors say. Go. Home."
Frank eyes Holly, who's still sitting in her seat. "Make sure she gets home, doctor."
"You got it."
Frank turns away from us and back to the doctor who's still standing by the counter.
"Well, you heard him. I'm supposed to get you home." Holly stands and stretches her arms. As she stretches, I try not to look at the skin that shows from underneath her shirt.
"Alright then, get me home."
"Yes, officer."
I follow her out the door and into the cold air.
"Geezus, it's freezing." I shiver and stick my hands into my jacket pockets.
"You're cold?" Holly whips her head around. "you're the one wearing a thick fur jacket and here I am wearing the only jacket I could find in the living room because I was in such a rush to get here after your phone call!"
"God, sorry," I roll my eyes, "next time, don't come then!"
"Oh, no I'll still come. You'll just need to find a way to compensate for it."
I know she's flirting with me. And I like it. And I want to do something back. I run up from behind her.
"Hey!" I grab her hand. "How about this?" I stick her hand into my pocket along with mine. Her hand really is freezing. Oops.
"Better."
She leads me to her car. We have to let go of our hands again. I think I really like her hand. And it makes me wonder—if I like touching her hand this much, then—nope, not gonna go there. Not yet anyway.
We clamber into her car. Which is also freezing.
"God dammit Holly, crank that heater up."
"A little demanding aren't we?" She smiles as she reaches for the heater knob.
"Shut up." I slump down in the car seat. "Just take me home."
We drive in silence. And I don't mind at all. There's a lot of things that I don't mind at all about being with Holly. Which is strange, because I usually mind a LOT of things about everybody, whether it be their breathing, their smell, or the way they talk. But I don't think Holly's popped up on that radar yet.
She drives with one hand. Her left hand, I note, as I glance over. Her right hand is completely free. It's just lying there. Before I know it, I'm reaching for it again. I can't help it. I take her hand and bring it onto my lap. And I stare at our hands together. Holly doesn't resist at all. In fact, I don't think she reacted at all. Except maybe a slight twitch in her mouth. That mouth thing she does.
I link my fingers through hers. I've always felt like there were different levels of hand holding. It's one thing to just be holding hands with palm to palm, but no fingers entwined. That's like friendly level. Then there's the linked fingers. That's a whole other level. It's intimate. It's like telling the other person that you are okay with letting them through your barriers.
I barely even let Chris or Nick hold my hand, if at all. It seems completely unnecessary. I mean, if my hands are cold, I can just stick them in my own pocket. And who KNOWS where other people's hands have been. All the germs that could exist on somebody else's hand because you KNOW that rarely anybody washes their hands the right way—you know, for a full twenty seconds with soap and warm water. Even if I knew their hands were clean, their hands were always rough. It always made me feel smaller than I actually am. It's nice to feel protected. But with Holly, I feel equal. I feel that we are one and the same.
Especially with her being a doctor, she would definitely wash her hands the right way. She has to because of all the forensic work she does. And even if she didn't, I mused, I don't think I would REALLY mind that much. I might carry a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer for backup though.
We pull up at the curb of the apartment.
"Well…" Holly starts, "here we are."
"Yup." I say, not making a move to get out of the car. I'm still looking at our hands together. I think I may have a new obsession.
"Gail."
"Yeah."
"I'm gonna need my hand back at some point. These are really important hands you know. They save people on a daily basis." I can practically just hear her mouth turning up on one side.
"Fine." I throw her hand back. "Who wants your hand anyway?" I'm half joking, but it still kinda hurts. I make a move to unlock the door.
"Gail."
"Holly."
"You need rest. And I'm not about to get in the way of that. You call me tomorrow and we'll meet up. That's not an option, by the way. You call me, or I'll break your legs."
"Break my legs? I never took you to be a violent person. I called you tonight. What makes you think I wouldn't call again?"
"Because you're a cat." And I know she's got a point. I want to run. But I don't. I like her hand. I should tell her.
"But I like your hand." And I immediately realize how she could interpret that wrongly.
"Well, it'll be here waiting to pick up your phone call tomorrow," she replies gently. Just kidding. Maybe her mind isn't in the gutter like mine is.
I finally look up at Holly. She's waiting for me to say something.
"Deal." I climb out of the car and don't look back.
She doesn't drive off until I actually open the apartment door. It's dark inside. I guess Chris and Dov are in their own rooms. I don't think anybody is in the mood to apartment socialize tonight. I head straight to mine without turning on any lights. I enter my room and feel along the wall for the light switch.
I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to worry anymore about Swarek or Chloe. As much of a negative person I may seem, I actually don't want to be focusing on the negative all the time. And right now, I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to think about the one person who makes me want to run and stay all at the same time.
It's not like the thought of being with a woman never crossed my mind. Men are such dirty creatures sometimes it makes me want to try something else. Besides, why can't we just love whoever we want to, whoever happens to come along, regardless of what parts they may have in their pants?
When Holly kissed me at the wedding, I couldn't think of anything to say in response. Her lips tasted sweet. After my mind finally cleared itself of the fog, my first thought was: it was too short. Way too short.
After that, when Oliver asked me to take the lab report to forensics after Christian's kidnapping, I jumped at the opportunity. I swallowed my excitement and simply nodded.
At the time, I couldn't wait to see Holly. She was exciting and new. But at the same time, I was scared. But I didn't care. I just wanted to see her again. Walking into the lab, every step seemed too fast. And suddenly I wondered if it would seem strange that out of all the officers, I was the one who was sent to the lab. But all those thoughts went straight out my head as soon as I saw her. She made my heart expand at the same time she made my heart tighten.
Then I had to grab her and kiss her in the interrogation room. Seeing her all flustered made me realize that she might care about me more than she had let on. And of course it didn't help that she didn't really understand what a police officer's job entails. She just kept talking and I couldn't handle all the words. I might have a lot of words in my own brain, but I can't stand it when other people just blabber on and on. So I kissed her to shut her up. And because I wanted to see what it would be like. And because I felt cheated by the coatroom kiss.
I'm not having a gay panic attack. I know that won't happen. I told the truth to the therapist when I told her I wasn't switching teams. I'm on my own team, and we play for both sides, I decide. And it just so happens that Holly's on the other side that I haven't tried playing for before.
I finish getting ready for bed and climb under the blankets. I feel guilty. Here I am lying in my own bed, under my warm blankets, while two officers are in the hospital, unconscious. But there's nothing I can do for them, right? I can't think and make them better with healing powers.
In some cheesy way though, I think Holly heals me. I snort aloud at the thought. It's like a constant battle sometimes, in my head. I want to be normal and be able to express my feelings, but sometimes it's hard to even express my feelings to myself. I think I have to be able to do that first before I can even begin to have a healthy relationship with anybody.
But it is true. I think she does. She's the type of person who takes your cares and helps you carry them. She won't complain. And she's the type to make you laugh. And she'll make you try new things that you don't want to, just to make fun of you. And she's the type to poke right back at you when you snarl.
No more for tonight. It's been a long day. I turn over on my back and look up to the darkness. Lifting my hands up above my face, I link them together. They're equal, of course. I like that idea. Being equals. Being the same.
The alarm blares and I jolt awake. I roll over and hit a button on the alarm clock next to me. Immediately, I realize it's the next day. Which means I can call Holly now. Or rather, that I'm supposed to call Holly. Per her orders, of course.
I blindly reach for my phone on the dresser without getting out of bed. Scrolling down the contacts list, I find Holly's name and hit the screen with my thumb.
Ring.
Ring.
"Hello?"
A/N: Eh, don't know if I want to continue, what do you guys think?