A good soldier
Spoilers to 5x16, Dark side of the moon.
All the Angels in Heaven learn to follow orders without question. God is always good, and God is infallible. His ways may not be clear to us, but they are always perfect. All Angels learn that the orders from our superiors are all given in support of God's perfect will. To disobey is sin and in direct opposition to God's will.
A good soldier of Heaven does not question his or her superiors. A good soldier is NEVER to question God. A good soldier carries out his or her orders with efficiency. Their faith is unshakable; their love for God is pure and abiding.
I, like all Angels, was a good soldier. I always carried out my orders to best of my ability, doing everything in my power to please God. My faith was unshakable.
Or so I thought.
Humans were always difficult for me to fully understand. They behaved in ways that made no practical sense to me. I supposed that I would be different if I did not have my Grace, but their careful denial of all that is good and holy was beyond my comprehension. But God loved them so, and I wanted to please God. So I was a good soldier for Heaven.
And then I met Dean Winchester. Through my encounters with the Winchester brothers, I have learned that my Angel brethren do not always get their orders from God. In fact, sometimes their actions had no basis in God's will at all.
Suddenly, I could no longer trust my orders, my superiors. The highest orders of Angels were manipulating God's precious humans to serve their own ends, and I could not be a good soldier, anymore. If I could not be a good soldier, I needed to be a good servant of God.
So I helped the Winchesters when I could, earning a banishment from Heaven. Though such an event was once my worst fear, I had to believe that the only righteous course would be to correct the actions made by my Angel brethren. I had to believe that God's will was guiding me. It was what I prayed for, after all. Being a good servant of God was more important than being a good soldier. If Heaven was not following God's will, then so be it.
Though I wasn't used to having opinions about humans or thoughts about them at all, everything in my being told me that they didn't deserve the lot they'd been given. I didn't know much, but I FELT that I was supposed to be helping them, trying to find God to help correct all of the mistakes made by the Garrison.
And now I am to understand that God's will is for us to stop trying so hard. For us to let the Garrison do what it will. All that I prayed for, all that I believed, and yet, I wasn't even a good servant anymore.
Not a good servant of God, not a good soldier, not even a full Angel anymore.
All I am, it seems, is a shaken sinner.