o. prologue

All of us hurt people, unintentionally or not. We break hearts, hurt feelings, shatter dreams.
Most of the time, we don't mean—or realize—it.
Five times Rukia hurt someone.
Five times she didn't realize it.

i. kaien

Kaien never told her—and she'll never know: he's dead, twice over—but it hurt that it felt like she couldn't—or wouldn't—trust him.
The day he found her beneath a tree, a sad, lost expression on her face.

'Hey! What's with the puppy dog eyes?'
'Eek!'
'Seems like you say eek every time you see me…it kind of hurts my feelings…here. This is for you. Drink up!'
She was silent.
'Knowing you…you probably won't tell me what's bothering you. But don't forget…as long as you're in this company…I'm your friend for life.'

He never found out what she might have said afterwards.
And she never told him what was wrong.
And that hurt him even more than the sword she eventually put through his heart.

ii. byakuya

He was a cold, heartless bastard. That much he knew. Ukitake told him as much.
But that didn't mean he didn't care for Rukia. After all, she was his sister, by blood or not.
And she was his last link to Hisana.
And so the day of her execution, when he was in so much turmoil, what hurt him the most was the shock he saw in her eyes when he came.
The way she stammered his name.
Had he been that cruel?
And he had turned from her, not wanting to see the gentle forgiveness in her eyes.
How could she forgive him?

'Thank you, brother.'

Those three words nearly tore him apart.
After all he put her through, she still thanked him.
Still called him brother. (He never told her how much that simple fact meant to him.)
That shock hurt so much.

Some days, he thank Ichigo Kurosaki, for being what he couldn't be.
For saving her.
Other days, he loathes him for it.
For forcing him to live with those eyes, those eyes that once held so much shock.
For forcing him to remember how he failed.

But he would never tell her how much it hurt—even more than the blade he would eventually take for her.

iii. renji

Have you ever just stopped talking to someone—stopped seeing them, stopped thinking about them, and suddenly it's forty years later and you can hardly remember why it happened?
That's how Renji feels. Only, he can remember perfectly how it happened.
Every moment of that day is engraved in his memory.

They grew up together, from the day she rescued them from a merchant.
They stayed together, even when all of their friends were gone.
They learned together, at the academy—learned to protect. (And to kill.)
And it only took one moment, a few words, to tear them apart.

'They said…I'm to be adopted into the Kuchiki family.'
'That…that's great! Think of all the food you'll get to eat. You'll never go hungry again! Man, I'm so jealous…'
'I…see…'

And he stood there as she walked past him, walked out of his life, out of his heart.

And forty years later, when he stood outside her cell, he reflected on how much she'd changed.
Not physically, for there wasn't much growing to be done when you were dead.
But it was in her eyes that held so much. Sadness, regret…age.

'I…see…'

Two simple words tore so much apart. Cut his heart in two.
Such a passive rejection, yet it hurt so much.

Because that was the day she stopped being Rukia (his Rukia), and became Rukia Kuchiki.
It was the day he stopped knowing her. (For forty years.)

Even now, the rift between them has not healed.

It still hurts, like only shame and rejection can.

iv. ichigo

Rukia changed Ichigo's whole world. She helped him become a soul reaper, gave him the power to protect his family, his friends—everyone.

She was condemned for it.

He fought for her. He fought everyone who stood in his way—captains, vice captains.
Her brother.
He learned bankai, learned to fight with Zangetsu.
Learned the pain of not knowing your zanpaktô.
But all of this pain was overshadowed by her words.

'Y-You fool! Why did you come back?!'
'W-What?!'
'You should realize by now, you can't beat my brother! He'll kill you for sure! Go away, I don't want your help. I've made my peace with death!'

I've made my peace with death.
Had she already forgotten everything they'd been through together?
Did she want to leave them behind?

He remembers want she said the night when she left, when she left him bleeding on the ground.

'Take one step…move one inch from there…try coming after me…and I…will never forgive you!'

Did she really want to die?

He'd been through so much for her, so much pain and frustration, but that was overshadowed by eleven simple words.

'I don't want your help. I've made my peace with death!'

Eleven words hurt so much more than all the wounds he'd ever taken.
All the blood he'd ever bled.
All the tears he'd ever shed.

More even than the knowledge of how very close he'd come to losing her.

v. herself

Rukia has hurt many people over the years. Her family. Her friends. The people she loves.
In her eyes, everyone she meets in eventually killed, wounded, hurt.
But the person she hurt the most, through all of this, was herself.

For years and years after Kaien's death, she blamed herself. She left her guilt and shame and pain build inside of her.

If only she had stopped him.
If only she had helped him.
If only she hadn't run away.

For years after her adoption, she believed the cruel words and harsh whispers of the elders, of her classmates.

'You were adopted because you look like the Lord's late wife. Do not forget that.'
'The things they do for noble families.'
'She's their new pet, huh?'
'They have no idea how hard we worked to get here.'

For years she withered under her brother's cold gaze, his harsh criticisms, blank dismissals.
She believed she was unworthy. And she only her herself further.

For years she locked her memories of Renji away, believing it to be for the best.
The next time she spoke to him, forty years later, she was in a cell, he her guard.
She had no idea how to speak to him.
And she realized she had only hurt herself by locking her emotions away.

For months she watched Ichigo—torturous, long months.
His resemblance to Kaien was more than just looks.

His words.
His determination.
His honor.

Every time she caught herself comparing him to Kaien, she stopped herself.
Because she knew that she was only hurting herself.

When Aizen tore the hôgyoku from her chest, he took not only that cursed marble, but her heart.
Her hope.
Because now she knew—if she couldn't even save herself from hurt, how could she stop herself from hurting others?

When she fell to the earth atop Sôkyoku hill, it was not from pain, from weariness, from injury.
It was from emptiness.

When she did not struggle in Aizen's grasp, even as Ichimaru's Shinsô shot towards her, it was not from lack of energy.
It was from lack of will.

All her life, she'd been nothing.

In Rukongai, she was just another street urchin, fighting to survive.
In the academy, she was just another student, learning how to kill.
In the 13th Company, she was just another noble brat, who was stuck up and got special priveleges. (In their eyes.)
Just another average officer. Nothing special.

She was just a tool to be used by Urahara to hide his mistake.

Just another pawn on Aizen's chessboard.

vi. in the end

In the end, things came full circle, back to the beginning.
In the aftermath of her battle with Aaroniero, she reflected.
And she realized.

Her whole life had been a cycle of hurt and regret.
All she did was hurt people.
All she did was hurt herself.

And in the end, what hurt the most was that she would never get to say good-bye.
And never say, 'I'm sorry.'

(For hurting all of you.)

Author's Note: We had a session at writers club where we had to just write and not stop, about anything we wanted, and this was what came out--an idea that had been in my head for quite a while, but I never got around to writing.
This was written several months ago, actually, an then the papers spent those months in my backpack, fading and getting more tatty by the day, until I finally dragged them out during study hall and typed it up. And now I'm posting it.
Some of the quotes are not exact, being from memory, but others are directly from the manga. I do not own Bleach in any way, shape, or form.
Still working on my other stories, or attempting to.
Keep an eye out for Sparks, the long anticipated sequel to Ceasing. (I reread the reviews and revised the plotlines of the sequels a bit.)

--Erin